"It's weird how Ethel never seems to have the same body-type, like, in anything?
Like even within the comics?" "Yeah..."
"Like I've seen comics where she's bigger, I've seen comics where she's really scrawny,
and I've seen comics where she's like...muscle-bound Zarya."
*"Sugar, Sugar" by the Archie's plays*
"Hi!" "Hi everyone!
Welcome back to Tanner's Books and Beyond, here with my friend Lindsay."
"Hi!" And we're back with our Riverdale Recaps!" "Oh yes, this is Koda.
This episode we start off with Cheryl being interrogated."
"To the surprise of no one, she starts off by saying 'I'm not actually guilty of killing
Jason, I just lied."
"Yeah, so it turns out that she and Jason had planned to get Jason out of Riverdale
because he wanted to run away.
She got him over to the other side of the river, which I guess is the border between counties..."
"Yeah, she said Greendale side."
"Yeah, and then she was to make it look like the boat tipped over and he drowned."
"That's a theory that I have heard tossed around a lot in the past week, but I didn't
think it'd get confirmed so quickly."
"She also mentions that she heard a gunshot.
Of course they ask if there's anyone who could corroborate? Did anybody else know?
And she's like no, it was just us."
"But then shortly after Archie comes into the office and he's like 'oh hey I actually
did hear a gunshot because I was at Sweetwater river in the morning' and they're like 'what
where you doing out there in the morning?'
He's like '...writing songs...'" "'Was there anyone with you?'" "'...yeah!'" "'My dog!'"
"Lemme bring in my dog Vegas to corroborate!"
"You can always trust dog testimony!" "Yup."
"Betty confronts her mom about the article that she wrote about how Cheryl definitely
killed Jason, and she's like 'No there's actually a lot more to the story mom and also CHILL
for frick's sake!'"
"Ugh...I start to vomit inside my mouth whenever Alice Cooper shows up."
"So anyway, Betty decides to revitalize the school newspaper because it's been sitting
dormant for a while, and she ropes Jughead into it saying like 'you can write your article,
I'm just gonna y'know, do a bit of editing.'"
"While Jughead is going after Dilton Doiley (because he was the only other witness who
was out at the river that no one's really investigated yet), Betty gets a story involving
Veronica and Chuck Clayton."
"Chuck is the captain of the football team, the son of the coach, and -" "A fucking dick."
"And a fucking dick! Their entire date was just hanging out in the car at Pop's and making out."
"And then he gives her a 'sticky maple', which is basically just photoshopping maple syrup
on top of her in a selfie they took and posting it...but the intention is clear and it's really gross."
"Yeah, so everybody finds out and she - she drags Betty with her *laughing* into the boys' locker room!"
"Veronica bursts in like the fucking rage monster she is, Betty's just shielding her
eyes from everything like 'oh god there's More Penis than i Ever Imagined Existed!'"
"So they go up to Chuck to try and get him to take it down, of course he's like no, and
he and his goons intimidate them."
"Betty's like 'we can do a whole newspaper expose!' and Veronica's like 'we're gonna
slash their tires and go Full Dark No Stars!'
After that, Cheryl talks to Archie, she's being super flirty like 'Hey Archie, thank
you for helping me corroborate the gunshot in the morning.
I'll make any wish come true - *deadpan*except my body.'"
"He's like 'okay, I know that you're friends with' - he doesn't actually say it but she's
friends with Josie -" "He uses - Cheryl and Josie are apparently best friends - oh wait
no, first Archie gets grounded!
Gets grounded by his dad."
"Because his dad finds out that Archie went to the cops and didn't tell him anything -" "And
then he was working on songs, and apparently that was the thing that was the big issue."
"Yeah because Dad, like, only understands football and sports and MANLY things and this
songwriting stuff, it's not gonna go anywhere."
"Just let him be a DJ!"
"So anyway, dad grounds him with a 7:00 curfew, which if you think about it most schools are
out at about..." "3:30." "So that's like three and a half hours."
"But Archie still has to sneak out to get tutoring from the Pussycats."
"Because apparently they practice really late at night at school, which is weird.
Meanwhile, Betty rounds up a girls which unfortunately have been slutshamed by the football team."
"Including Ethel Muggs." "Yeah, poor Ethel. Also, Barb."
"Yeeeeeeee-"
"Apparently there's a book where they record their 'conquests', and even MORE
gross is that they also assign point values."
"Yeah, it's like...bonus points for doing the new girl!
Penalties for being a big girl!
And Ethel...Ethel's not even - well she's Shannon Purser, so she's a little curvey."
"Yeah, and like, Ethel didn't even do anything with Chuck!
They just - she helped him out with some homework, and she still got targeted.
That's how disgusting it is!"
"Well of course, and - they didn't say it, but it probably goes on the assumption that
Ethel who's the 'homely' girl, she would do Anything to get with a piece of ass like Chuck."
"Still utterly, utterly gross and disgusting.
Anyway they decide to break into the school and find this scorebook after Cheryl comes
along and is like 'y'know, cheerleading practice is starting in five minutes sluts, you better
get there' and they're like 'Cheryl you realize Jason's probably in on this' and she's like
'nooOO!'" "But yes." "Yes." "He got points for Polly. Polly Cooper." "Betty is super upset."
"She has...she begins to have a breakdown that lasts the rest of the episode."
"And possibly into next episode."
"Oh, but before we forget - Archie has his little tutoring session with the Pussycats
and they basically explain - it's a really good scene!
They point out the fact that they are an all black girl band, and the reason they call
themselves the Pussycats is because they have to claw their way to the top, whereas Archie
could just walk into any room and start playing and everyone will be cool with it, and they
point out that Josie's mom who's the mayor, she got a lot of hate because she's a black
woman becoming the mayor in small town America.
I feel like that's gonna be a bigger thing going forward, like maybe not in the rest
of the season but possibly in future seasons just delving into that."
"Um, Archie does help them out on one song, but I think it's on a fairly technical level."
"It's more like a producer thing than him writing the whole song."
"Yeah, it's more like how about this word instead of that word, or switch these two
lyrics around?"
"But it's him getting the foot in the door of the Pussycats' approval and Josie realizing
'okay, maybe he's not just a white boy who thinks he can pick up a guitar and do whatever
he wants, this guy actually has skills and he wants to work on them.
And he looks up to us!
He's watching the whole thing like *childlike glee* 'wow you guys are so great!'"
"They work on their song that they're gonna show off at the..."
"The taste of Riverdale!
Which seemed like just all the local restaurants giving out free samples in a community hall.
Jughead confronts Dilton, who is apparently not only a boyscout leader.
*laughs* Like, we were laughing at him being a boyscout leader in short-shorts in the pilot,
but no, he's a crazy survivalist who's teaching his Adventure Scouts that if they're not prepared
they will Die."
"He's super intense for a boy scout."
"I can't believe Dilton Doiley is Bear Grylls!"
"Eat raw dear!" *laughing* "In the next episode he's just gonna drink his own piss!
Jughead finds out from one of Dilton's scouts -" "That Dilton was showing them how to shoot
a gun and all that."
"So then Jug confronts Dilton at the Taste of Riverdale; Dilton's like 'I have to teach
them how to protect themselves the way this town is going!'" "It's like, cool your tits, Dilton."
"Also at the tasting gala, Fred and Hermione have a semi-flirt, then Grundy comes up, he's
asking her 'hey, does my son have any talent?'
And Grundy's like 'it would be a shame not to waste Archie's...talents." *giggling*
"Alice shows up, because - y'know who she reminds me of?
She reminds me of the mom from Black Swan."
"Oh my god, yes!"
"She shows up, sh kind of fucks around in everyone's business, confronts the Blossoms -"
"She's like 'hey Mrs. Blossom, can I get a quote for the paper?'
And Mrs. Blossom's like 'HERE'S YOUR QUOTE!' *boosh*" "Yeah, just straight-up bitch-slaps her.
And you thought teens were dramatic."
"Alice gets slapped, it's kind of like '*gasp* well, that was an interesting quote.
By the way Hermione your daughter's a slut...k bye!'
And while this tasting gala is going on we've got Betty, she like...seduced?
Chuck, and got him to come to Ethel's house, and she's like *flirty* 'oh Chuck, we're gonna
hang out and go crazy' and then Chuck gets there and Veronica is there, and she's like
'Me and Betty are sharing you tonight. Because."
"Also, Ethel's parents have a pool and a hot tub."
"Yeah, they're using Ethel's house as, like, the staging ground." "Yeah.
So they come out all sexy -" "Veronica comes out all sexy, Betty walks out looking like
Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction, she's like 'Betty's not here tonight so she sent me instead'.
Downhill from there!"
"They get Chuck into the hot tub, Betty puts something in his drink..."
"Muscle relaxant."
"Yeah, and then they got him cuffed to the sides of the hot tub." *nervous laughter*
"Then Betty starts cranking the heat."
"To basically boil him alive!"
"And while Betty and Veronica are doing this Ethel just kinda peaks her head through the door and she's like
*eyebrow waggling*.
Veronica's recording it, they're like 'ADMIT THAT THE BOOK IS REAL AND YOU GUYS KEPT SCORE!'
He's like "okay! Fine! I did it now let me go!'
Then Betty goes - she comes 100% -" "Unhinged."
"Shoving his head into the pool with her foot, pouring maple syrup on him -" "Calling him Jason!"
"Yeah, and she starts referring to herself as Polly, like 'Apologize for what you did to me Jason!
YOU BROKE ME JASON!"
"He's of course freaking out!"
"And Veronica's like 'Betty, I think you're - I'm having a concern!"
"She Finally stops.
So that fall out from all of this is -" "Betty decides to go with the expose instead of posting
the video and all that stuff."
"Betty and Veronica do get, like, a slap on the wrist."
"They get heck for it because they didn't go to Weatherbee, but Weatherbee cuts Chuck
and his goons from the football team, which apparently didn't involve Reggie or Moose?
Which makes sense with Moose I guess because..."
"Yeah, I'm surprised Reggie wasn't involved."
"Yeah, well, they probably don't wanna go too dark with Reggie because they might wanna
redeem him at some point?" "Yeah..."
"And I guess it's good that...like they bring up stuff like Steubenville and things like
that, but it's never actually said that there was any...like it was bad and it was shitty,
but stuff that, like, they can come back from if they're like 'hey we wanna bring Chuck
Clayton back and have him, like, realize the error of his ways and stuff like that.
Anyways, so Dilton and Betty and Jughead are talking at the end of the episode and Dilton
doesn't wanna get kicked out of the Adventure Scouts, and Dilton's like 'I saw something
that no one else did! And that was Ms. Grundy's car!'
Jughead's monologue goes 'well, normally I would've protected Archie, but I guess the
cat's out of the bag! Whoops! Oh darn, I'm sorry Archie, I guess we had to turn in your stat rapist."
"Stop deluding yourself about this relationship." "Oh geez." "Sometimes we have to hurt you to help you."
"Alright, so! *slap* Theory time!
I have three theories...two of them about Jason, and they are polar opposites.
So one of them is going by the patterns of Jason was a douchebag and he hurt Polly and
he stole her lipstick *cackles*" "He reminds me of Robert Pattinson when he played Edward in Twilight."
"Jason was leaving town because he was going to either kidnap Polly or kill Polly.
My other theory is that all the stuff about Jason being a douchebag is actually blown
way out of proportion.
It's either coming from the Blossoms saying that Polly ruined their son, or it's coming
from the Coopers saying that Jason ruined their daughter.
He was in the conquest book, but we really only saw him once, and it was with Polly,
and like I said before, the stuff that they did that got into the conquest book, someone
could realize the error of their ways and come back from after a lot of redemption.
So my other, polar opposite theory is that Jason was escaping so he could save Polly
from the house that she's in and get away because he feels guilt and he's worried that
she's in an even worse situation now." "Okay."
"And then Alice found him and killed him.
Both theories end with Alice finding and killing Jason."
"Yeah because Alice seems like the likeliest suspect."
"And then the third theory, which is just an overarching thing; like I said Dilton when
he's confronted by Jughead he says how 'I had to teach the scouts how to survive because
of the way this town is going'.
But, he clearly had that mindset before Jason's murder, so it's like - what does Dilton know
about this town?
Is there some kind of...which cult in the woods?
We cut them out last week, but we have a lot of theories that if Sabrina shows up this
series is just gonna go full Salem!
But for know...do you wanna do the sign off?" "Nah, you do it." "Okay.
So for now, that's what happened in a little town called Riverdale..."
*giggles* "You realize her name? Alice Cooper?"
"Yeah, I know.
The real one is much cooler and would be a much better mother."
*laughter*
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