- Hey, hey, my friend.
Welcome to this week's edition of Parenting A-Z.
I'm Kelly Bourne
and this week we're covering A is for Anxiety.
Tough topic.
A serious topic, a tough topic but a very important topic.
We're gonna dive into what it is, what causes it
and most importantly, what we can do,
how we can deal in the moment, helping our kids through
when they're experiencing those anxious feelings.
Plus I've got a free download for you
to help make things all a little bit easier.
So let's get right to it!
(upbeat music)
So the first thing I wanna say right off the top
is I guess a disclaimer of sorts.
Because like I said at the beginning,
anxiety is a massive topic.
I am not trying to send the message here
that I'm going to solve all your anxious issues
with this video.
My hope really is just to scratch the surface,
to peel back the layers of what anxiety is,
give you a little bit of insight as to what causes it,
so we can have that awareness
and then give you some really hands on strategies
and tips and tools to really help you deal in the moment.
Plus, I'll be covering when to know to seek help,
when to know that your kid's anxiety
is maybe a little bit out of the norm and when to get help.
So that being said, what is anxiety?
Anxiety is it can be called a number of things, right?
Fear, worry, nervousness.
The thing that's different about anxiety from fear
is that it's anticipatory.
It's when we start to get nervous
or we start to worry about something
that really hasn't happened yet.
It's like we're forecasting in our heads having trouble
or having drama and haven't we all been there?!
I feel like it's just part of the human experience
to experience a little bit of anxiety
because really, if you think about it, essentially,
us coming up from an evolutionary standpoint,
fear and worry quite literally kept us alive, right?
When we were worried about eating that weird mushroom
or if that saber-tooth tiger was lurking around the corner,
having that, having that awareness
and that negative bias, always looking for problems
and looking for things that could hurt us or endanger us,
that's how we got here.
That's how I'm sitting here right now
is that my ancestors were really good at that.
'Cause it enabled them to survive, to get through the day.
But the thing is society isn't like that anymore.
Well, depending on where you're watching me from.
I'm hoping you don't have those
life or death experiences on the daily.
But we haven't really caught up
from a neurobiological standpoint,
so now we're starting to get really anxious
and really nervous and really worried
about things that aren't necessarily life threatening
but we're still having that heightened stress response.
We experience that as adults
and our kids are really starting to experience it too,
that nervousness and that worry and that anticipation
of something bad happening.
That's essentially anxiety in a nutshell.
And when it comes to causes for anxiety,
because I think it's important to look at,
I'm so big on getting to the underlying reasons for things
there's a few different sources of anxiety.
The first really is genetics.
It's a trait you can absolutely inherit,
I can't even talk, sorry, guys!
Inherit down the lines of your family.
So if you have anxious parents or anxious grandparents,
it is something that definitely genes impact.
Another thing that can influence anxiety besides genetics
is experience. And this is where the whole nature, nurture
really goes hand-in-hand because if you have experience
dealing with a lot of family members
or people in your general circle who are anxious,
not only do you have the double whammy
of potentially having that genetic component
but you're also witnessing the anxiety,
you're witnessing the negative self-talk,
you're witnessing the nervousness and the worry so that,
you internalize that, our kids internalize that.
Another big one too is our thinking styles
because I know it's kind of cliche,
change your thoughts and you change your life,
but the thing is our thoughts and our beliefs
influence all of our behaviors.
That's where all of our behaviors stem from.
So our thinking styles really do matter.
So if we're starting to notice
that our kids are falling into a pattern
of really black and white thinking,
it either is or it isn't, that can influence anxiety.
If we notice our kids are ruminating
or if you even notice this in your own life,
yourself ruminating of forecasting these stories
and playing this tape of something that's gonna happen
or if this happens then this bad thing's gonna happen
and then everything's gonna be a disaster.
And really focusing and just allowing these thoughts
to invade taking a shower, cooking dinner
or driving your car, that's rumination.
That's a kind of thinking style
that absolutely can be worked on and changed
to help change those anxious thoughts
which then influence a change in behavior.
Another issue when it comes to anxiety
and one that's really not talked about a lot
and I get nervous even saying this
because again, it's like please don't shoot the messenger,
but if our kids have really been spoiled or overindulged
in the sense of we've taken care of all of their problems,
we have handled every challenge for them
or we've bulldozed challenges out of their way
or if they make a mistake or get into a pickle,
we are there to kinda deal with it, that can lead to anxiety
because then our kids haven't had the practice
of what it's like dealing with those situations.
They don't know what it's like to face those hurdles
because mom or dad or whoever has just taken care of it.
So then when they're in a situation
where they do have to face it head-on,
that can bring up a lot of stress and a lot of anxiety
related to that feeling of either being out of control
of the outcome or that unexpected feeling
of not knowing how to handle it
and feeling incapable or inferior
at facing the challenge head-on.
So again, that's something just to notice
if you've ever found yourself doing that for your kids.
And heck, I think we've all been there.
Because we want things to be easy for our kids, right?
I think that's a pretty universal feeling.
But sometimes allowing the struggle
and embracing the struggle with your kids,
that's the key there.
It's not sweeping it under the rug or doing it for them.
It's like, "Okay, buddy, yep, that was a big mistake
but what are we gonna do to work forward?"
and being willing to work with them
rather than just bulldozing all obstacles out of their way.
Another factor too that can cause anxiety
is if they experienced a really traumatic event
or a scary event.
We need to be aware of that
and also be aware that the event may not seem scary
or traumatic to us.
The only thing that matters is that it was scary
or traumatic in their eyes.
So just having an awareness
if you're noticing any change in behavior
following an incident at hockey
or something on the playground
or something that you thought was just
a part of day to day life
but for them, they took it really seriously
and for them, it was a scary event
or something that they're worrying about, just to notice.
Because that can be a big trigger for anxiety down the road.
So no matter the cause of your kid's anxiety,
whether it's influenced by genetics or environment
or a traumatic event or a negative thinking style
or maybe being overindulged,
there are some really great tools we can use.
It's never too late.
I guess that's my underlying message
is that it's not something you have to resign yourself to.
This is something that once you become aware of it,
there are absolutely steps you can take
to help your kids through it
so they're not dealing with this on the regular.
And so that if it is something
that they're really struggling with,
this extreme nervousness and worry,
you can help them and you can work with them
so life gets a little bit easier for them.
And one of the first steps to doing that
is accepting your kids where they are,
accepting their experience as being valid.
Because what can we do as parents?
Again, myself included, especially if we're feeling stressed
or we're late to go somewhere
or we think our kids are just being ridiculous?
We minimize it.
That's nothing to be worried about.
Why are you being so silly?
Oh my gosh, that was nothing.
That didn't bother any other kid,
why is it bothering you?
All of those things that we can say as parents --
and my goal here is not to make you feel bad
or put you down about that because heck, like I said,
I do that too --
It's just having that awareness,
that those knee jerk reactions can really,
not only does it not help our kid's anxiety
but it can also exacerbate things for them.
'Cause not only are they feeling stressed,
but now they feel like mom or dad
thinks I'm being ridiculous about it.
So that's the first step is just having that awareness.
Okay, so what can we do, right, what can we do?
Time to get into the nitty-gritty.
How can we deal?
And the first thing is just that mindset shift
from going from either dismissing
our kids' problems outright
or completely handling them for them
to facing our kid's problems with them, doing it together,
sending the message that you know what, you can handle this,
we can do this, you've gotta what it takes,
I'm gonna stand with you
and we're gonna work through this together.
So they know that you're gonna be there with them
and they have what it takes to face what's coming their way.
So they have you to lean on.
You're not gonna solve it all for them.
You're gonna go right through the middle there with them,
face it head-on, but they know that they have your support
and that's just practice.
That's practice for dealing with anxiety
and practice for dealing with difficult situations
and they'll get better and better and better
the more practice they have.
And then after you've sent the message that you know what,
I'm gonna help you through this, bud,
we're gonna do it together, we're gonna face this,
is helping them find ways to calm down.
To kind of offload that anxiety.
Because when our kids are up here,
like hanging off the chandelier,
it's not the greatest time for problem solving.
We're not actually biologically capable of it.
Our brains are tuned off,
that that problem solving, logical, rational,
reasoning side of our brain is offline.
So what we need to do is help them get that back online
through different calm down strategies
and this is the download I have available for you.
If you haven't grabbed it already,
The link is down below and it'll also give you access
to my whole parenting resource library.
So make sure you grab it.
It's a great one. You can stick it on your fridge.
This help and this coaching in helping them calm themselves
will be a skill that they will have
and carry with them throughout their life.
So on the download, I have different options
for helping teach your kids how to take deep breaths
because let's face it, saying "take a deep breath"
isn't always the most effective.
So for our little kids whether it's "smelling the pizza
and cooling it down" or another one my kids like
is "breathing in superheroes, exhaling villains"
I have a lot of other breathing options
on the cheat sheet on the download.
Or being creative, scribbling out their anxiety
or scribbling out or drawing a picture
of what they're afraid of.
Or calling a loved one or having a hug.
I have 12 different examples for you.
Just really helping them find their calm is huge
in dealing with anxiety. And then another option too,
if you find your kids are stuck in those thinking styles
we were talking about earlier
whether it's really black and white thinking
or they're ruminating,
they're making up all these stories about what's going wrong
and forecasting disaster,
is helping them work on changing those thinking styles.
And one of the biggest things you can do with your kids
is working with them to help externalize their feelings
and help externalize their problems.
So it's not labeling the kid
as having some sort of character trait of being anxious.
It's just something they're currently experiencing.
And one practical way to do that
is to ask "effects" questions.
So how does that effect you?
How does that feeling effect you?
How does that experience effect you?
Because it talks about it as being external
from their character trait.
I hope that makes sense.
If you have any more questions
about how to help your kids externalize their feelings
of anxiousness, the biggest thing is
rather than saying "I am anxious","I have anxious feelings."
If you can see the difference there,
that's so empowering to see.
It's not something they're resigned to.
It's not who they are.
It's just something they're experiencing.
And just having that distance
can really help offload some of those difficult feelings.
And then moving on from there,
if you've really maintained that focus
of trying to work with your kids through their problems,
helping them face things head-on,
if you have helped them externalize
their feelings of anxiety
and externalizing their problems and issues
as being something that they're experiencing
rather than something that's who they are,
if you've helped them with really practical
calm down strategies and things aren't improving
or you notice things are getting worse, it's so,
I cannot underline this enough,
it's so important to listen to your gut.
And if your "spidey senses" are tingling
and you're feeling like you know what,
this anxiety feels more than the norm,
this feels more than I am comfortable managing
on my own at home, please, please contact your doctor,
your medical healthcare professional to get that extra help.
Because there's tons of resources and assistance out there
in helping kids manage.
And if you're sitting there wondering,
is that me? Does that apply to my kid?
If you notice that your kid's anxiety
is impacting their ability to function,
if it's impacting their day to day life,
if they're starting to become extremely fearful,
if they are avoiding people or places or situations
that previously brought them joy or brought them comfort,
if it's impacting their physical health,
if you start noticing for older kids
that they're starting to experiment with alcohol or drugs,
those are all a big, big red flashing light.
Go see your doctor.
Go talk to your mental healthcare professional
because then they can provide you
with more one on one assistance and support
to help your family through these challenges.
Because anxiety isn't something
you have to resign yourself to.
There's absolutely ways to help you manage it.
Because like I said earlier,
it's not about eliminating anxiety
or pretending it doesn't exist.
It's about having those strategies
and those coping tools to manage it effectively,
to develop that courage to know that okay,
yeah, I'm in a really tough spot
but I have what it takes to get through it.
So I hope that helps, guys.
Of course, as always, if you,
like I said, this was an absolutely massive topic
to kick off this series but if you have any questions
or comments, concerns, leave them below.
If you're looking for more one-on-one support
and more in depth resources, of course, please, please
I always consider my invitation to you
to check us out over in the Parent 'Hood
where I have tons of other practical videos and resources
and things you can really sink your teeth into
as well as one on one support through office hours.
So I'll leave you to it, guys.
I really hope that helps.
If you haven't got your download yet, make sure you get it
and yeah, nice chatting with you
and I'll see you in the next video.
(upbeat music)
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