this video has been in the back of my
head for longer than it should have been
and I think it's about time I talked
about it and explain why things are the
way they are if you're here just to see
what I look like just hold on a bit
longer I have really important things to
explain briefly the first few reasons I
don't show myself are because I don't
want people to have an opinion of my
content and who I am based on what I
look like we live in a society that
almost revolves around appearance people
can become famous just for their looks
people use appearances and excuse not to
like someone and fine if you don't like
me or what I do but if you're only
reason would be because you don't like
what I look like then what kind of
argument is that I'm very shy and prefer
to keep to myself I still want to have
privacy but there's a main reason and I
haven't told this story to anyone the
thing is I don't tell people my problems
because I feel like I can handle them on
my own and I don't want to drag people
into my messes I don't want to hurt
anyone and if you knowing i'm hurt hurt
to you and I don't want to tell you when
I'm hurting if that makes any sense at
all but here we go right it's not a
secret I don't think very highly of
myself I joke about it a lot and i'm
pretty open about it when i was young i
actually had a lot of confidence people
gave me compliments and said nice things
and i believe them and was proud of
myself but as I got older I began having
doubt I started thinking that people
were lying to me or they said things and
didn't really mean it words can't affect
you when you don't let them people say
that all the time but it's easy to
forget it goes the same way with
positive words as negative that led me
to telling myself I wasn't good enough
and i had to do better my standard
slowly started getting higher and higher
without me realizing how bad it was
getting by the end of high school I felt
like I wasn't good enough for anything
even though people would be telling me
wow you're doing so great you're so
talented I would say thank you not to be
rude but it was in one ear out the other
I didn't hear it I went to college with
the same mindset not feeling like I was
good enough for anything standards for
myself always getting higher and that's
the problem I push myself so hard to get
better at everything and I do improve
but it's still not in
for me the bar keeps getting higher
before I can grab it like climbing a
staircase where the top keeps getting
further away in the ball and chain
attached to your ankles getting heavier
and heavier but you keep trying
eventually this branched out to more
than just what I was doing it started
seeping into my self-image which wasn't
high in the first place either it wasn't
only telling me what I was doing wasn't
enough it started telling me I wasn't
enough and that's when I started wanting
to fix it I started eating less trying
to be happier with myself I'm naturally
very thin and I've never had issues with
weight before but it was like a switch
in my brain that all of a sudden that
wasn't good enough either it became all
I could think about my whole day
revolved around what I ate what it was
when I how many calories every detail I
wanted complete control I remember a
specific day all I let myself have was
half an apple and 10 Cheerios and I felt
happy about it look how in control i am
but i wasn't i was in this downward
spiral I built up fears and rules and my
head got foggy and fog year every day
lack of nourishment prevented me from
being able to think clearly and i was
making irrational decisions I was
telling myself this was what I had to do
to be happy of course it was extremely
painful starving myself eventually I
decided I would go the entire day eating
as close to nothing as possible then
eating a bunch at the end to stop the
pain followed by erasing it this whole
awful cycle went on for several months I
don't even remember anything else I was
doing in my life it all just became a
blur the only thing i can truly remember
looking back now was just being so tired
and cold and sad all the time i wasn't
able to see i was getting thinner and
thinner nothing was good enough my brain
didn't let me see how horrible it was
getting I don't know what happened but
eventually I was able to break through
and tell myself this wasn't what I
wanted I didn't want to live like this
anymore and i had to get better now
here's the thing people don't realize
eating disorders are the easy part the
rough part is breaking it you create
these fears and rules for so long that
when you want to escape the jail
you've built around yourself they beckon
you to stay and try to drag you back in
promising happiness and how they're only
here to protect you they let you feel
like you're the one in control when
you're not you're the puppet on strings
and when you try to cut yourself free
not only do you face your fears head-on
but you live them here's some
information about what happens to your
body when it's starving when it realizes
it's not getting enough food to create
energy for itself it starts slowing down
your metabolism which is the process of
converting calories into energy it slows
down in order to conserve the energy it
has left for important things like
keeping your heart pumping and your
organs working but the tricky part is
when you start refeeding it things don't
just go back to normal right away your
body doesn't trust that you'll keep
feeding it again and it starts storing
extra energy for the next starvation if
you don't realize what that means
basically it starts extra weight as
energy predicting it won't have food
again for a long time your metabolism is
still slow and you face the nightmare
that drove you to the disorder in the
first place it's not just in your head
anymore before I go any further I'd like
to say that I believe people can be
perfectly happy at any weight I'm not
saying these things in order to make
anyone feel ashamed because wait
shouldn't matter in general it's about
how you think of yourself and as long as
you're relatively healthy and take care
of yourself I believe that's the most
important thing but this isn't as simple
as just getting thinner there's so much
more to it I wish I could express you
how toxic your mind becomes while
dealing with something like this it's
not how your brain would normally
function when it's clear you know what
you're doing to yourself is wrong but
you just can't shake it it has a death
grip on you so I was attempting recovery
completely on my own I'll remind you I
didn't tell anyone in my life what I was
going through and it was indescribably
difficult I wouldn't wish it on anyone I
had to be the doctor and the patient I
kept saying this is what will make you
better you're on the right path but the
voice was still there you're a disgrace
look what you've done look what eating
is done to you this isn't what you want
come back to me I'm here for you I
didn't want to list
to it I kept telling myself everything
was fine I'm doing the right thing I
just have to give it time over and over
I wanted to believe it so badly but the
voice wouldn't go away it's always there
I didn't want anyone to see me I felt
like I was a disappointment to everyone
and didn't deserve to be in front of
people I could feel their judgment in my
head I didn't deserve food I was
unacceptable I never wanted to leave my
room and I probably wouldn't've but
there is one thing VidCon I already
planned to go before things got so bad
because you have to plan so far in
advance for it I didn't want to let
people down by breaking my promise to be
there and I wanted to see all my friends
and supporters but I was in such a
terrible state I didn't know what I was
going to do I was panicking I wasn't
ready I wasn't back to normal yet but I
was approaching so quickly and there
wasn't any time to go back I told myself
this was my punishment I did this to
myself so I put on a mask and pretended
to be fine I was trying to act like
myself so much that I wasn't even me
anymore I became a stranger to who I
actually am even though I was horribly
uncomfortable my weight was higher than
my average from starving myself my
Chiefs were swollen from making myself
throw up every day for so many months my
mind was telling me I was a letdown to
everyone my self-image and the steam was
at an all-time low I tried my hardest to
push through it every person i met the
voice inside me said you're such a
disappointment you aren't good enough
for them I felt like I could feel every
single person's discontent through their
embrace but I didn't let the mask flip
off and I kept truckin through I let
people take pictures but I really wish I
didn't it was the lowest I've ever felt
in my life and I felt like I was a lie
to everyone it was almost like I wasn't
even there I wasn't present it was just
a days after the convention was over I
was so mentally torn to shreds I wasn't
okay I felt like all the progress I was
trying to make to get better had just
been ripped down the voice was louder
than ever drowning out the one that was
telling me everything was going to be
okay I realized I
couldn't let people on YouTube see me
when I was in such a toxic horrible
state I message the person who was
taking a lot of video footage and asked
them if I could send to my face out I'm
not going to mention who this person is
because that detail doesn't add anything
to this story and I don't think it would
benefit anyone if I did they agreed so I
spent the afternoon editing their video
censoring my face I wasn't myself in the
video and I didn't want people to see
the mask I put on for myself when I
finished and sent it over a few hours
later they told me they changed their
mind and wanted to post the normal video
I was absolutely mortified and forced
myself to explain to them the main
reasons why I don't want to show myself
hoping that if they knew the story
behind it it would help them change
their mind again but it didn't I've had
disagreements with this person in the
past and from what I understand this
person is very adamant when they have
their mind on something so of me having
edited the video for them and explaining
the story behind it wasn't enough I came
to the conclusion i couldn't do anything
else to change their mind and let them
post it I thought I had experienced the
worst already but this destroyed me a
nightmare where hundreds of thousands of
people are wanting to see you and then
when they finally do it's at the lowest
darkest point of your life and they
don't even know it and you don't show
yourself people develop expectations I
don't know what those expectations are
and I feel like sometimes they don't
even know what they are but I believed
with all my heart I disappointed every
single one it's not just the fact I
wasn't where I wanted to be
appearance-wise so many people saw me
for the first time when I was at such an
awful point mentally and I felt so much
deeper into darkness I've ever been I
felt like I was drowning in my own
emotions every time i tried to get back
to the surface to breathe another way
would crash down on me and pull me right
back under again I started having even
darker thoughts and I knew I should have
been scared of them but I wasn't and
that's what scared me the voice was
echoing in my head all
completely muting out the other one
every day I just wanted to feel happy
again I wanted to wake up and
everything's just normal not one day
passed without me hating myself I
couldn't find a reason to get out of bed
I felt broken and that no one could fix
me black fog surrounded me everywhere I
went and I couldn't breathe that was so
stretched thin I was trying so hard to
swim but the waves kept coming each one
stronger than the last but I kept going
I don't know why there wasn't a reason
and I couldn't really find one I just
did and even though I didn't have a
reason for myself not to give up pushing
through everything I wanted to be there
for people I want to be able to be there
for people like me who felt like they
couldn't go to anyone and are drowning
and help them like how I wanted someone
to reach out and help me I want to exist
for other people I don't really care
about myself that may or may not be a
good thing to say I don't really know at
this point right now but i'll mention
one thing I've thought to myself that
helped me I consider myself a weak
person i can get knocked down relatively
easily and I knock myself down a lot too
we always talk about how is strong
someone is but I feel like it doesn't
have to matter how strong or weak you
are what matters is that you just keep
getting back up something could knock
down a weak person and not even affect a
strong person but it doesn't matter how
many times you're knocked down because
as long as you keep getting back up you
can keep going I don't want to live in
the past and I'm not here to feel sorry
for myself because I'm not one to do
that it doesn't get anyone anywhere the
past doesn't change it happened whether
you like it or not adapt and push
forward even if you feel like you don't
have a reason to use those feelings to
help push people who need it if you
can't help yourself help others then
eventually you might be able to learn
how to help yourself too if you're still
here I really appreciate it I can't
express how much it means to me that you
care enough to listen to what some
random person on the internet is saying
just telling their story I tried to keep
it as short as I could so it wasn't
boring I could write a novel about all
the things I felt during that time but
hopefully I got at least some points
across in the right way
me and I don't know what else to say
other than just thanks
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