When I was nine years old my dad sat me down to tell me that he wasn't my dad.
My biological father left mum when she found out she was pregnant with me.
It was around the same time in my life that I got molested down the bike track by a man
and because I was unconsciously rejecting Dad as my father and pushing him away I didn't
really know how to approach him and I wouldn't really have known how to approach him about
it anyway to talk to him about like hey a guy down at the bike track told me that he
can tell me how big my dick will be when I'm older if I let him put it on his hand and
play with it and stuff.
I don't know, there's no good way to explain that and I don't want to go into it because
I've never told anybody this shit but.. this is what I'm trying to do now.
So I was a straight A student.
I did really well in school.
I was school captain in primary school.
Never got in any trouble.
Was a really good kid.
Obviously that whole experience didn't effect me too much but it was always in the back
of my mind, it was really confusing because society is constantly talking about like child
molesters and terrible things and everybody's so afraid of all of that.
And with good reason I guess but like, you know, just from a kids perspective looking
around.
It's so bad if this happens to you and like this shouldn't happen and I'm there like it
happened to me and noone even fucking noticed.
Noone even talks to me about like what's going on.
I don't know.
And then.
So that was all sweet, like primary school was all sweet.
Pretty much I got through primary school really well.
But um, it was like around the end of primary school my parents split up so that gap between
me and Dad like got even bigger because like obviously Mum was really pissed off at him
and she was really vocal about that so I sort of like inherited all of the extra hate and
I already thought he was shitty for lying to me and treating me badly and stuff like
you know how kids rebel when they find out that their.. like when you've got a step dad
figure like no kid likes to have a step dad figure.
It's like you're not my dad and all that typical shit.
And it was just amplified.
So any hope that I had of talking to him about like the whole getting molested experience
and like trying to understand it a bit better like that was all gone.
And I couldn't talk to him about anything that was going on in my life because he just
wasn't around, cause he was gone.
But like we saw him on the every second weekend or something like that or every weekend, I
don't remember.
I started high school without a father figure or whatever which I'm sure like a lot of kids
have had to do but all of the kids from my primary school went to a different high school
on the other side of town, like every single one of them.
So I started high school with no friends.
And for anybody who can remember high school, high school is a fucking terrifying place
even if you do have a handful of good, close friends that you can trust.
So um.
I was like pretty quickly like targeted as like the loser kid.
And bullied and shit because I didn't have like a group.
So I started hanging out with like the kind of kids that don't fit in anywhere and that
was cool.
I had some friends.
But I sort of quickly figured out like if I stand up to the bullies and like fight them
then um, the kids that I'm hanging out with like respect me a lot more and they like support
me a lot more.
And it just felt good to stand up for the little guys and all of that so I started fighting
a lot.
Started getting in a lot of trouble.
Which drove more distance between me and my parents because they were like you're being
a little shit, breaking all the rules, why can't you just be normal, why can't you just
behave.
You were so good in primary school.
And all of that.
Still not really knowing anything that's going on in my head and they never really understood
how to talk to me about anything.
But it was good because I hanging out with like nerdy kids and stuff and my grades were
still going really well and I started getting interested in sport and once I started doing
sports and stuff, started like cross country running and stuff the like, jock kids and
stuff like I sorta assimilated into them and bridged the gaps and I had like a sense of,
like I fit in.
And that was nice.
And I had my life all planned out like I was gonna do really well in school and go to uni.
I can't remember what I was gonna do.
But like my life was so set.
I was one of those kids that I laugh at now who thought that they knew exactly what they
were going to do with their life.
And yea it was good.
It was still just all working out.
Which was great.
But then my parents got back together.
And they wanted a fresh start so they decided to move to Iluka which is a small town in
New South Wales with a population of about 2,000.
And I had to start all over again.
Went to a new high school.
And I was the loser kid again, the new kid.
Didn't have any friends.
And someone picked a fight with me pretty early on and I beat the shit out of him because
it worked for me before, people respected me for fighting before so why not now?
But the problem was this time the misfit kids that I was hanging out with were like scared
of it because they didn't know my values, they didn't know what I was about.
Like they just saw a guy beat the shit out of another kid.
So the kinds of people that I attracted to me this time were like the kind of people
that I used to stand up to for the weird kids at the old school.
So like I was becoming friends with like these assholes basically and they introduced me
to weed and wagging school and all of that stuff which I never wagged school before and
I never smoked weed before.
So that was all new to me.
But yea I was pissed off because I got put back a grade when I went to New South Wales
because their schooling, their grading system is different so I didn't give a shit about
the academic side of school at all and I was wagging heaps, smoking heaps of weed because
why not?
Like it felt way better than having to start over again.
And I just fucking didn't want to do that.
Pretty much the only subjects that I went to school for were art and drama.
And there was a girl in my drama class who I thought was really pretty and really cool,
like lots of energy, lot's of fun.
But everyone picked on her and like I didn't really know why.
She was like.
She was like the outcast for whatever reason.
And um, because I was the new kid and I was trying to like fit in as best I could I never
really challenged it, never really questioned it.
I just tried to avoid her...
And tried, like I was just contributing to the whole like her being left out because
I was just like I was trying to stay with the cool kids.
But I thought she was awesome and one weekend she came out and she'd just like stolen a
bike from somebody and she was just like really happy and energetic and crazy like she was
just really... like just doing all these crazy things and she was like, she brought so much
life to the weekend and it was like really fun and yea I thought this girl's great.
I'm gonna let her know that I think she's great because fuck everybody else.
But it was like the next week at school like she didn't come.
And somebody asked me did you hear that Krystina killed herself.
The way that the school dealt with that was basically tried to just make it disappear
as quickly as possible and not let it effect the kids too much and not talk about it too
much and just kinda like "a terrible thing has happened" at assembly and we just like
don't talk about it out of respect for her family and all that stuff and like tried to
make it go away and that was my first exposure to like real suicide.
Like I didn't, I'd never experienced anything that close to me before.
Like somebody is just gone now.
But again, like previous things that had happened to me in my life and all the shit that I'd
gone through and all the struggles that I was having like my parents, I don't think
my parents even know that one of my friends killed themselves.
And they never talked to me about it.
So I fucking hated them.
And I rebelled more, I wagged more, I smoked more weed and everything just went to shit.
There was a bunch of other reasons why everything was going to shit.
I just fucking hated everything.
And I wanted to fucking kill MYself.
Like I was just over it.
And there was one time where I tried to leave the house with a knife and I was just going
to go somewhere and just hack myself up.
Later I realised that whatever the instinct is or however your brain works that stops
you from hurting yourself like I can't do it like I'm one of those people who just can't
hurt myself.
Like I can't draw blood.
So that was off that table.
So I couldn't kill myself so that was really frustrating actually because I really wanted
to die like I feel like I would've been happier if I could've done it but like obviously it's
great that I couldn't because I'm still here.
And I had another mental breakdown one day after the knife incident where a teacher was
just being like a dick to me and he like broke me down so hard and he was like entertained
by it.
And I like just broke down and I just ran out of the school and I ran like 60 kilometres
like north.
And I was just the whole time just trying to think like how can I kill myself like is
there a way that I can kill myself.
I can't bring myself to cut myself and I can't like hang myself because I don't have any
rope.
Like I can't, I couldn't think of any way to do it.
Eventually like my dad found me running along the highway cause all the truck drivers were
on their radios like talking about the kid with the crazy coloured hair because I had
my hair dyed all crazy.
And yea I got picked up.
And that's still a funny story that the family talks about at like Christmas and shit because
they don't understand and nobody's ever bothered to ask like what I was going through and I
was actually punished for being an idiot.
For like getting in trouble at school and all that stuff.
I was always punished for getting in trouble at school and noone ever asked me why I was
getting in trouble at school or why I was rebelling or why I was pissed off.
It's just always like fucking I was always wrong.
And like I had so many friends that like their parents would always like they would always
support them 100% even, and they were the ones that were doing the bad shit and like
fucking up at school for no reason and like their parents would always like support them
and shit and my parents were always like if you're in trouble you must be fucking up,
you must be doing the wrong thing so you deserve whatever happens to you, you little shit.
And while I'm going through all this other stuff and having that coming from that direction
I had no direction where any like love was coming from.
There was nothing good so like my life was going to shit and like I had a girlfriend
finally and she was like the only good thing because she was the only one that like wanted
anything to do with me really so when she decided she was gonna, her parents were moving
to Brisbane and she was gonna drop out and get a job and stuff I was like ok I'll go
with you and like I did that.
And got a job and stuff and it was a really dysfunctional relationship.
It was like up and down, like break up get back together and I moved back in with my
parents and then I moved back in with her and then she moved back in with her parents
and then she told me it was over and she'd been cheating on me and everything was a fucking
mess and I was just like oh the first person that's ever cared about me in my life, like
helped me like be happy is fucking gone and she fucked me over and everybody just fucks
me over, noone gives a shit about me.
And I moved back, went back to my parents house and I wasn't there very long.
My mum was like a wine-o, she was drinking all the time and we'd always have arguments
and I can't remember what we argued about one day but she was fucking into me and she
just pushed me to the limits and then I was just like had a breakdown, I punched a hole
in the wall and I was like out in the backyard just screaming like fucking leave me alone
like fuck off, fuck off.
And she just like at the back door like yelling shit at me like stirring me up like she was
just like haha like I saw it as like her just being a fucking psycho like would you still
be stirring me up when I'm losing my mind.
I don't know what she was saying but she actually called up some other guys from in town and
they came over and they held me down while I was fucking crying my eyes out just like
saying fucking let me go like just leave me alone let me go.
It was just like it wouldn't end and then like they eventually sat me down and said
like this isn't ok the way you're behaving and stuff and like as usual like I'm the one
that's like wrong like noone cares about why I'm fucked up.
And um, Mum said like you better leave before your dad gets back because he's gonna kick
your ass and so I left.
Cause I was like I don't wanna deal with this yet I just need some time to fucking process
all this and like calm down because I'm just like at breaking point like constantly at
the moment I just need to leave and um my sister came with me actually and we went to
a friends house and stayed there the night and then the next day was Australia Day so
I put it off another day like seeing Dad and like trying to explain myself cause I figured
he wasn't gonna understand anyway he was gonna take Mum's side because he always supports
Mum because that's what partners do, they support each other.
And all that shit.
So yea we were at this thing with a bunch of people for Australia Day in town and Dad
came by and he saw like us and there was like this guy that was there that had slept with
my little sister who was like 15 at the time like about that age where you start experimenting
with that stuff and he put two and two together and thought like I must have been like, I
had something to do with that and like I was like encouraging that kind of behaviour or
whatever and like he just he had a mental breakdown and he was gonna beat the fuck out
of this guy for sleeping with my little sister and he was getting real fiery but there were
lots of people around so he ended up leaving and then he came back like an hour later in
the middle of town like dumped all of my shit in the car park in the dirt in front of everybody
and told me to leave so I fucking I left and went back up to Queensland back to Ipswich
my friend said that he would look after me for a bit but I ended up having to like couch
surf and sleep in my car and shit.
Eventually got a job as a labourer again um was pretty good money so I started renting
a shitty little room for $70 a week at my friends house downstairs with a concrete floor
and it was just a load of shit but I didn't care I didn't give a shit about myself I just
wanted to die every day I wanted to die but I couldn't do that to my little sister because
she was like my new reason to live like I promised her I was gonna be ok and shit before
I left and I kept that promise for a long time and it was really hard and I was hanging
out with all my old friends again and they'd found drugs and alcohol and they were partying
all the time and they were probably just as fucked up as I was in a lot of ways and they
definitely weren't helpful to my state like I didn't need to be drinking and partying
and spending all my money on drugs and alcohol.
I needed to like have some time out and get my shit together and figure out what I was
doing with my life.
I met this girl who was like the first girl that was really nice to me she didn't care
that I lived in a tiny little room with a concrete floor and stuff she didn't care that
I didn't have any possessions or anything and she basically started to like put my life
back together she was so good to me but the night that I met her it turned out like one
of the guys from our social circles had dated her in high school and there was like this
big thing everyone was drinking and then my best mate beat the absolute shit out of me
like beat me to within an inch of my life pretty much like I was on the ground just
like bouncing my head off the ground just pissing blood out of my face and then my other
friend.. "friend" um drove me up to the hospital and pushed me out the door and said you deserved
everything you got cunt because there was like this conspiracy that I was trying to
steal everybody's girlfriends or some shit and that was just more crap that I didn't
need.
I didn't go into the hospital.
I was just like started walking and I was just hoping that I'd just drop dead but obviously
I didn't went back home everyone's like where have you been all that shit noone cares man
who cares and um started dating that girl anyway despite everybody hating me and all
my friends turning their backs on me because again it was like somebody actually cares
about me and wants me to have a better life and she was like the best thing that ever
happened to me like I didn't deserve it I was the worst thing that ever happened to
her.
But then so I was like just getting my life back on track, she was helping me a lot and
then I was down at her house on the Gold Coast and Ipswich flooded and I lost like I didn't
have anything to lose but I lost a bunch of shit.
My friends got some of the stuff out and I just wanted to get out of there.
And like I didn't wanna be a burden on them so I left and I was going through like all
my friends and family calling them all up and being like oi can I come stay at your
place for a bit my house just flooded and everybody said no so I went to emergency accommodation
like everybody else with all their families and shit that were displaced but at least
the families had each other you know I was just there by myself and it felt shitty so
like the next day I got onto somebody down the Gold Coast who, great people, let me like
crash at theirs for a little while and I could tell I was a burden right away like I was
just they didn't have room for me there they had a bunch of kids and like they're just
like legends for letting me stay there even for a little while and like just as their
patience was like wearing thin like I got a job as a telemarketer out of the newspaper.
It was like a dodgy job selling like dodgy like betting software to pick the right horses
to bet on and shit really unethical and stuff and felt shitty but got that job and then
my car got towed by the council cause it ran out of rego and it was parked on the street
because obviously I didn't have a fucking house to park my car at so I no car so I was
catching the bus to work which was making me late every day and they hated me at that
job so I quit and I was able to finally get Centrelink because Centrelink had called me
a while before this and I had a mental breakdown on the phone to her because I was like my
parents won't say that I'm unfit to live at home like I can't, they won't say that I can't
live there so I can't get the money and they just did that because they didn't wanna look
bad on like government records like they couldn't look after me so I had a mental breakdown,
I cried on the phone.
This lady was like really nice and she sorted it all out like she called them up and said
like this is what needs to happen and then I actually was able to get Centrelink and
that was like a massive achievement to fucking be able to get Centrelink.
So like I had some kind of security in my life if everything was going to shit which
it always was.
So all that happened and a bunch of other shit happened I went through a bunch of shitty
jobs and then Centrelink put me through this agency called Adecco and probably shouldn't
say names of shit but um they were getting me like one or two days of work here and there
and like it was consistent and they would always get me some work and I was like as
long as I keep these guys happy I'll always have a job and that was important to me because
I'd been homeless twice and I just wanted security I just wanted enough money to keep
a roof over my head and food in the fridge or whatever so that was sick and then the
guy calls me up and he says there's a job going on Stradbroke Island for wastewater
treatment plant operator.
You've just gotta go to an interview against a bunch of other people and if you get it
it'll be six months on the council and maybe you'll go full time after and I was like sweet
this is exactly what I need this is the life changer I'm gonna get this job and then I'm
gonna be all set I'm gonna be fine I'm not gonna have to worry about anything ever again.
So I went to the interview and I was in the interview room with all the other guys like
the waiting room and I was telling them like they're like do you think you'll get the job
and I was like yea I'm definitely going to get the job there's nobody here who's more
qualified than me I've run so many waste water treatment facilities which was a load of shit
obviously and I basically psyched everyone out cause I was just like I'm having this
job and then I did the interview told them everything they wanted to hear got the job
was driving like an hour and a half to work every day and then catching the ferry over
but then I had to leave my great girlfriend who I said like helped me so much I didn't
leave her like I just said like I'm gonna move to Capalaba for a while so I can go to
work for the next six months and then we'll sort it out after that but um while I was
doing the Stradbroke Island job and I was away from her I didn't have anything good
in my life I was just miserable and I wanted to save up for like cameras and computers
and stuff so I could get back into film which I'd been doing the whole time like that was
one of the things that was like giving me purpose like making films.
So I started taking prescription pain killers because I realised that when I'm on prescription
pain killers nothing matters and I can do anything that anybody tells me to do at work
and I don't care and I can two minute noodles every night and save up all my money and not
go out and nothing matters I'm just numb.
And I was just gonna save up a bunch of money get all my computer software editing software
and cameras and I was gonna start making music videos for bands and stuff and that's what
I wanted to do so yea I became a drug addict and then at the end of that I didn't get the
full time job but I really made Adecco happy so I moved back to the coast and I moved in
with that girlfriend um and I had consistent work with Adecco but I was an absolute piece
of shit to her because I was a drug addict now and I started drinking again on top of
the prescription drugs and doing other drugs as well at parties and stuff and I was just
useless and I was cheating on her like all I was just useless.
And then I sorta started to I got off the prescription drugs for like a good year and
I was like trying to make myself a better person and stuff but like coming off the drugs
I was becoming more of an asshole to her and pushing her away more and anyway she ended
up realising that she had to do something for herself so she moved to Sydney to follow
her dreams and stuff and that was good it was like the first thing that she ever did
for herself in the whole relationship and she should do that and like I said she's the
best thing that ever happened to me and I was the worst thing that ever happened to
her so I just hope she's like having a half decent life now but this isn't about her it's
about all of the things that led me to start this project.
So this is like the fast version of everything I'm leaving heaps of details out but I think
these are the important parts I probably left out some important shit but oh well basically
my film career was actually going pretty well.
I was working with some pretty famous people and stuff and I decided to just focus on that
because like I'd sacrificed our relationship for it over and over again and I'd always
put film first and be out filming bands and doing drugs and partying and like socialising
and stuff trying to build up my like name in the industry or whatever which is a load
of shit it's just an excuse really I wasn't doing anything productive when I was out I
was I'd film a band and that would be like the one hour of productivity and then the
rest would just be me getting fucked up and being an asshole.
So there's all of that and the next sort of crucial point I guess was my mate Rob called
me up and he said he was DJing Lil Jon's after party and Lil Jon's like a pretty big international
musician or whatever so I was like we'll bring a bunch of cameras and we'll like get some
like invaluable footage that will like make us look really good on the internet and shit
and on social media or whatever but it was never gonna happen we were both drug addicts
and like I'd started taking drugs again after Ash left, I left that part out, the prescription
drugs and like when ever I go out to parties and stuff I'd just do what everyone else was
doing and I fucking hate this.
I hope somebody gets some value out of all of this because I hate it.
We just wrote ourselves off and forgot all about Lil Jon basically and there was a point
in the night where I was like I'd tried to overdose a bunch of times before and I'd just
woken up the next morning not dead and feeling like really shit and had to recover from that
and it sucked so I just took all of the drugs that I had on me at this party because I was
like I'm not waking up tomorrow this is I'm just gonna get really high and that's gonna
be the end and that's gonna be nice but it was like later on in the night I realised
I'm not gonna die I just had this sense like I'm not gonna die from this and I was outside
it was like 50 stories up in this like penthouse suite sorta thing and I just decided to jump
over the balcony and next thing I know Rob's got me by the shoulders and he's pulling me
back over the balcony throwing me on the ground and he's like what the fuck are you doing
and then all the guys that were like running the party or whatever have come out and the
guy that's like everything's in his name is like do you know how much trouble I'd get
in if you just killed yourself doing that stupid shit and they started beating the fuck
out of me and I was like brilliant.
Because I was I wanted to die.
As far as I was concerned I had just killed myself like that was the end I'd decided so
I was egging them on like come on then and they flogged the fuck out of me and Rob was
trying to drag me out of there, he was copping a hiding as well like from punches that weren't
connecting from all the drunk drugged up assholes and yea I don't exclude myself from the drunk
drugged up assholes either I was definitely fucked and as we were getting out the door
someone like king hit me in the back of the head and I was just like that's it lights
out and I lost consciousness and I thought I was that was it I was stoked didn't have
to deal with life anymore and in that last moment it was just bliss like I just remember
like thank God and then next minute I came to in an elevator and there was like nurse
like a lady that's saying she's a nurse and she takes me back to her room and cleans me
up and Rob takes me down to the lobby says like wait here I'll go get all our stuff and
I'll take us home but then some police come in and they're like asking me all these questions
like wanting to take me away or whatever I don't really know what they wanted I was so
out of it I was on so many drugs and like so concussed um but one of the girls that
was with me like made them go away like took me back to the elevator like "oh we're going
back up to our room" or some shit like that and then as the elevator was closing I just
felt so disgusting and just crap I just slipped out and I ran out of the lobby and just ran
all the way home I ripped the door off the hinges back door like climbed the back fence
ripped the door off the slider thing and just passed out and then next thing I know Rob's
pulling up with the girls and like he has all my things like he's a legend he like brought
my cameras and my keys and my wallet everything and I was just a terrible person at that whole
party and there's so much stuff that a lot of people could say about just how terrible
I am and I'm thinking about it all right now.
But yea that's when I realised after all of that, that like I've reached the point where
I had killed myself and I'd always said like I probably wouldn't really kill myself and
all that stuff and I dunno like I did.
And I realised I had to change and that's what I'm doing that's what I've done I haven't
it's been like over two years since that night and it's been over a year and a half since
I've taken prescription pain killers and I don't really drink anymore except like on
like special occasions which I know that people say that and then they drink like every weekend
but like I drink like maybe 12 times a year max I guess like once a month maybe at the
like probably not even that um and like I stumbled upon like self help and personal
development online and all that stuff and the rest is history this is where we are now
like um hopefully somewhere in all of that rambling is some kind of indication of why
this is important to me and why I'm definitely doing this and I'm going to make this documentary
I have this vision for this documentary and um all these people that I'm interviewing
and stuff I'm making films with them and it's all gonna come together and it's gonna make
something that's gonna impact a lot of people when it's finished.
It doesn't really matter if people aren't watching all of the raw content as it's being
uploaded now because when I'm finished with it all that's when it's gonna count.
And that's when I'm gonna be distributing it hard and making sure that everybody sees
it.
I don't know.
I hope that you guys see value in this I hope that you want to support this I hope that
I don't just sound like a fucking asshole loser who doesn't deserve people to give a
shit but I really wanna do something positive with my life and I really wanna not just keep
fucking up and just keep being such a toxic piece of shit that just like ruins all the
lives of the people around me I wanna contribute to everybody around me in a positive way I
want to help people be their best selves I don't want people to think that the way that
I've behaved in the past is good enough for their friendship like everybody deserves to
have a decent life and everybody deserves to be happy like everybody deserves to be
ok and not feel like they're not worth it because everybody has strengths and everybody
has great things about them but they just get drowned out in this sea of fucked up shit
that we go through when we're going through life and if you're one of the people that
hasn't gone through anything traumatic like I'm so happy for you but I hope that you can
support this too.
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