I'm fine.
CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
Do I look at the camera or at you?
-Look at me. -Oh yeah?
Nice.
-Shall we start? -We shall. Let's do it.
We're here today to talk about Noah.
I don't know the guy.
Noah?
I don't know who he is.
The guy that built the ark.
Oh, that Noah...
He has returned!
How was the first time you met him?
I...
It's been so long that I...
I don't really remember. I remember Moses. He was nice!
He was stong,
he had a big, bold beard.
He was hilarious!
But this special is about Noah.
Well...
Noah's Special.
Who would do that, right?
Well, Noah...
Noah...
What can I say about Noah?
He was...
Nice... Ok, I know what I'm gonna say.
You can cut here and we start over.
Ok.
Noah was a guy that, from the moment I saw him,
I knew he'd be special.
-Noah... -It's Myrrh resin!
It's just Myrrh.
God?
Oh, Lord, what an honor to have you here!
I need you, Noah.
I'll do anything for you, God!
Noah, I need you to build me
an iPhone X.
-A what? -An iPhone X.
If you don't know how, build an iPhone 7.
I flushed mine and I need a new one.
-What is that again? -An iPhone. A cellphone.
-I don't know what that is. -How don't you know?
What year is this?
Year?
No!
Fuck! I thought I was...
I came to the wrong time.
For fuck's sake! I had to talk to the singer priest.
-I don't know him. -I thought you'd help me in a sec.
-An iPhone would come in handy. -I'm sorry I can't help you.
It's my fault. I pressed the wrong number.
I'll do anything I can for you, Lord.
Anything within my reach.
Ok, to give this trip some meaning,
make me a shrimp bobó.
-A shrimp bobó without palm oil. -Bobó? I don't follow.
You guys here are so behind!
What do you eat? Wheat? Is that it?
What have you invented? What have you done?
Oh...
Whatever you want, God.
This clay ashtray was made by me.
Are you messing with me? An ashtray?
My son can do that.
Put in some effort. I'm God, I'm not your Secret Santa.
What can you do? What have you guys done here?
What do you have here? Boats?
-We do have boats! -Great! Noah, make me a boat.
-There you go. -Ok. What size, Lord?
-A big boat. -An ark, you'd say?
Yeah! An ark! A big one! An ark!
-For whom? -Oh, my God!
Can't you just build it? You want details?
Animals. A bunch of them!
-Me and my family too? -Whoever you want!
Everyone's invited!
I'm sinking that ship anyway!
So, build me the ark, ok?
-I'll be back. -Ok, dear God.
I miss Moses.
And how did he build it?
It ran smoothly.
You can say whatever you want about Noah.
You can same he's lame, he can't handle his business,
he's ugly, he drools,
he can't do math,
he has no motor skills,
he is a drunk, he sweats and smells...
But he's always willing to help you.
-Noah! -Hi, God!
Where's the ark you promised to finish a week ago?
We're kinda behind schedule but it'll be done by Friday.
No! There's a storm coming, man!
It's gonna be ok.
Can we postpone the storm to February?
I extended the deadline twice already.
It's really hard to make woodwork with all this humidity.
Oh God! I need this ark ready now, Noah!
We had so many holidays so we got a little behind.
What do you have ready? What's the plan?
-Can we have an estimate? -We have everything.
-We just have to... -Huh...
Put the wood together,
glue them or nail them, I'm not really sure,
coat it,
test it in water to see if it sinks.
If it doesn't, great. If it does, start over.
Little things. Final touches.
Can you do it by Friday?
You need to fit all animals in the world in the ark.
We need to discuss that.
Do you really need an elephant?
I do!
-Really? -It took me forever to create it!
Now you wanna drown it?
I didn't know you were so attached to it.
-I was thinking cats and dogs... -Don't you do that to me.
If you really like it, you could give it wings.
-What do you mean? -Make them fly.
You did that to pigeons and people hate those things.
A sailing raft is an alternative.
It's cheaper.
-My cousin can do it by tomorrow. -What's that?
Tell me this isn't MDF.
-What's the problem? -Are you using MDF on the ark?
MDF is fine. Trust me.
We can't have beavers or termites, though.
Noah, listen to me very carefully.
Let's have a serious talk.
When I first met you,
I asked you if you could build me an ark.
What did you say?
-Yes, we "does". -Right.
What did I tell you next?
-It's "we do". -Ok, but after that.
What did I ask you?
-Are you sure you can make it? -And what did you say?
"Yes!"
-So, can you? -Yes!
I'm a man of my word.
I don't know about the deadline, though.
If you wanna push it back...
You are ending the world, right? So, why does it matter?
-One more month... -No. You told me "Friday"!
I should get going.
-No, you're wrong. -It's the 3 o'clock sun.
-Where are you going? -I have business in town.
You're drinking with your buddies.
There's some leftover pasta.
-See you. -See me when? Tomorrow?
No. Tomorrow's Easter. Some other day.
Easter's not even a thing yet, moron!
For fuck's sake!
If Moses were to do it, the ark would still be standing.
-But I don't wanna comment. -How was the selection process?
It was chill.
Naamah was ahead of that project.
Noah's wife. I don't know what she saw in him.
We had a fling but...
I didn't let it go any further.
Don't shit where you eat.
Who made it in the ark?
Families, for the most part.
Noah's family was in charge of it.
They were very correct about the selection process.
Next!
Hey!
-What's your name? -I'm Ilma.
-How's it going? -Good, great.
Good afternoon! Good afternoon!
Nice, Ilma.
Why do you belong in the ark?
Ilma is a very lively person!
No one's gonna get depressed
since I'm always so energetic,
as I showed you walking in here.
I talk to everyone. I'm like this. This is me.
Wow...
-If you were an animal... -A beaver.
They're good team players.
Good thinking. Tell Noah about the beavers.
I think he forgot.
Do you have any special skills?
Sure, I'm a singer.
Another singer...
Will you sing for us?
-We'll call you, ok? -No!
The chorus is coming.
There's no need. We'll be in touch.
For the love of God!
I need this. I have a daughter to raise.
Teach her how to swim.
I'm a Saint Charles and Saint Claudio follower.
Talk to Saint Anthony! Jesus!
We already have St. Chaim, St. Thaddaeus and St. Cybelle.
Be safe... Next!
-How are you? -Hi! How are you?
-You're James, right? -Right.
I'm James, architect.
How much do you weigh?
Huh...
I can cut some weight if need be.
No! We like you the way you are!
Are you fast?
Huh... Fast?
-Why do you ask? -Run there so I can see.
Just so...
Good.
Run for your life. Like someone's chasing you.
Go!
Nice!
Good job!
Give me just a second.
Nice!
Are you a good fighter?
Fighter? No! I'm all about peace.
If I hyena tried to eat you alive, could you handle it?
I think so. I can handle a hyena.
What if it's a male and a female?
Two hyenas is too much! I couldn't handle it.
How long could you survive without a leg and an arm?
-Come again. -I was just thinking out loud.
James, you're in!
-Really? -We're excited to have you here.
Thank you, guys!
-Congrats! -Bye! Thank you!
We're so happy!
Tell Noah he can cut down eight food rations.
Next!
A-yo! What's up, bro?
'Sup? Excuse me!
-How are you? -I'm stoked, thank God!
-Who are you? -I'm Abdul.
-What do you do? -I rock standup shows, bro!
Catch!
You'll need it. Next!
I'm Pontius.
I vote "yes"!
Yes! Yes!
-What do you do, Pontius? -Nothing.
Great! We need useless people.
-No but... -Shut up!
Noah's 500 years old.
He won't even notice. We can repopulate Afrika.
Congrats! You made it!
Hey, hey, hey, thank God!
Wow!
Pop me like a...
Cherry.
I really, really, really want
get inside that.
Yes, exactly! Inside this Noah's ark.
Can I?
You have 10 seconds to convince me.
I have pilates.
Where there is God's power and we call his name,
he's there with us.
He doesn't judge my outfit,
my big honkers,
my way-too-small-skirt...
Sorry, I'll pull it down.
You see?
God doesn't judge me.
What matters is my heart.
According to the Bible, what's outside...
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
It's that old saying...
Only the Creator is perfect.
Lord, Holy Father, almighty and eternal God.
Creator of the heavens and all the earth.
My mom says, better to ask the way than go astray.
There's no way I'm not getting in this ark.
I'll make love again and again.
Again and again. Let's hop on it!
Very nicely! Off goes the love train!
I like her.
When it was ready, I had given up on the ark.
What was I gonna do with it?
But I felt sorry for Noah...
He was so nice! He coated it.
It was so cute when he picked all the animals.
He would corner the chicken,
and they'd come to him.
He was brutalized by the panthers.
Fuck! He was covered with pus. Scratches all over him.
He was all cut and bruised!
Poor thing! He was looking good, considering...
He forgot my unicorn. But I forgive him.
He is forgiven. He remembered animals I forgot about.
How was it when it started raining?
It was easy.
Moses... Oh, not Moses. I'm crazy.
It's Noah. The liquor has gone up to my head.
Noah was very strict.
There's that too.
He had no problem with that.
If it depended on me, people could get on board.
He didn't let them.
He did him.
Hi, Noah!
Hi, how are you? You're Obadiah, right?
I'm fine. Family trip?
-Sort of... -Do you need help? I'm free.
-I can give you a hand. -No, thanks, man.
I'm done here. Is everything ok with you?
-Awesome! -Nice!
Julia is finally better from pneumonia.
She's running around, playing...
We're happy because she has her whole life ahead of her.
-Right... -She struggled for a year.
The kids were starving,
my parents were recovering from the accident.
We now have a produce booth on the street market.
Things are falling into place, thank God!
Thanks to God indeed...
-Right... -God's been very kind to us.
Nothing but happiness from now on.
So nice to hear!
Good for you. Tell me something.
Do you have a sailing raft, a boat
some sort of floating device at home?
-A boat? -You have it, don't you?
Man, I'm afraid of water. I can't even swim.
My 12 kids can't swim. No one at my place does.
The kids like the ground, the earth.
-Where do I put the rabbit, Noah? -Downstairs. Shush!
Are you farming, Noah?
It's for the kid's biology class.
-They need to bring it an animal. -How cute!
-Yeah... -Look, man. It's raining.
I'll be heading home. I didn't tell you, Noah...
Clara is turning one today.
We have cake, candies, snacks, everything.
It's awesome, man! You could show up with your wife!
Take the rabbit. Maybe we can make a ragout.
Speak of the Devil!
-Don't say that. -I was talking about you to Noah.
-Yeah? -Yeah...
Everything ok, sweetie?
Uncle Noah, I love you.
When I grow up, I wanna be like you.
Grow up?
We can't wait for you to grow up
to become a woman that will make us so very proud!
For sure!
Babe, did you invite Noah
to be a godfather to this new blessing?
Rose is pregnant!
-Oh my God... -Noah, it's about to start!
Quit the chitchat!
-What is gonna start? -She's crazy! Did you drink?
-Oh, she's drunk... -I know how it works.
Don't you wanna come in? Come here!
No?
No, forget it. Silly me.
-I need to go. -Ok, go on.
Go! Get your things in order.
We'll be here in our shed, admiring your big boat.
My family and I will wait for the storm to go by.
Don't you worry. Come on, guys!
Don't you want to go to the summit of the mountain?
No! Not up there!
A lightning can strike you!
-I'll stay down here. It's safe. -No, it's not.
Let's sing to Uncle Noah just like we rehearsed.
Uncle Noah is a blessing for us.
Uncle Noah is an example we live by.
Uncle Noah, please, come back soon.
I'll miss you when we're apart but I'll keep you in our heart
You, come with me!
You stay here, ok? Good.
-Bye! -Bye!
Bye!
How's he doing these days?
I haven't seen him. We lost touch.
We never spoke again.
Isn't he in Heaven?
I don't know. I haven't been there.
He should be just fine. Moses is doing amazing!
We talk every day.
He is so much fun! I love that guy.
So, after the storm, you never spoke to Noah again?
There was no reason why. He built me an ark. That's it.
Can I have a bathroom break?
Are you goofing around? Silly you. Put it in here.
-Wow! -It fits perfectly.
-Don't do it, God! -How are you, guys?
-It wasn't his turn. -Noah, Noah...
-How are you? -How are you?
You did an awesome job with the ark!
Guys, this is God.
I want to congratulate you.
-I was surprised. -Thank you.
-Amazing! -It turned out great, huh?
I haven't even planned this. Suddenly...
You got it!
-It worked out. -Congrats!
-We have repopulated... -You were exceptional.
I was in disbelief.
I took him for an idiot but now...
So, let's work together again?
-Sure, let's do it! -For real?
-Whatever you want. -I want to start right away.
-Hit me. -I want a clementine.
-If you can... -A clementine?
Get it from the grocery store there.
Can you do it?
I'm craving it.
-Is that all? -Yeah...
I'm in the middle of a game here.
So, if you go now, squeeze the middle to see if it's sweet.
I like my slices hard.
Can I do it later?
-I'm in the middle of something. -I want it now.
It'll be in two hours.
See, the grocery store is two hours away from here.
It'd walk for two hours, get the clementine and walk back.
Craziness, huh?
I want it for today.
You can open your own grocery store here.
But I don't do that...
On your way back, if you could get me a glass of water.
I can't have just wine. I need water too.
Ok, is that it?
I should walk for 2h to the grocery store,
get you a glass of water and a clementine,
I want a ponkan, a mandarin orange.
Also, you could mop here.
I dropped some mango.
Mangoes are very oily, right?
I dropped on the floor.
The mango seed is still there.
If you wanna ask them something...
-They love to help. -They're nice.
They really are nice. These people here...
-They love to help. -You're the only one I trust.
-Ok. -You're the chosen one.
-They're nice too. -You've got my heart.
I like you. Let's do it?
Let's do it.
Also, bring me 13 one liter bottle worth of red wine.
-So, 13 bottles? -Yes, 13.
I'm throwing a party tomorrow. I need to stock up.
Awesome!
When is it?
-What? -The party.
I'll swing by.
Did I say "party"?
It's more like a gathering.
I see...
It's a small gathering.
I said "party", but it's just a family reunion.
Ok then.
You don't know anyone. You'd be bored.
-The guys play guitar... -I'm better off...
Relax, take it easy.
-Ok, so later... -Be on your way.
-Now? -Yes!
Go get the clementine.
I'll stay here, ok?
-I'm in the middle of a game. -I'll play for you.
-I'm in the middle of it. -Are you sure?
-Wait for me. -I can go out.
I'm going out in style.
I'm melding pretty nicely.
Give me the cards.
Tomorrow, the party is at 8:15 PM.
8:15 PM.
If you can, bring some snacks.
With the humidity, my hair gets all tangled up.
I think that's all.
Huh?
Done?
-We're done. -Yay!
-Thank you. -No, thank you!
When will it be aired?
On Christmas day.
Open TV?
No, it'll be on the internet.
Oh fuck...
-Ok then... -Yeah...
-It's for Porta dos Fundos. -I know them. They are funny.
They are still a thing, aren't they?
-Yeah. -Ok.
They were bought by Viacom, right?
-Mm-hmm. -They'll be done by next year.
So, let's get going.
-See you next time. -Well, I won't see you.
You'll be gone in a second.
Where's the guy that helps me to get up?
-I'll help you. -Will you?
-Yeah. -Come here.
Wow! I'm old!
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