I was starting out and I was gonna film a completely different video and then I
started talking about being stealth and got off topic so that... this is... this is a
different video now. This isn't the video I was originally going to record today
but here we are. Anyway, hi guys! I was having a conversation with
a friend the other day over facebook messenger during class and it was a
short conversation. It's really barely even a conversation, but it got me
thinking about how being in this new situation where I'm taking classes at
UNIGE where nobody knows me, and working at CERN where again nobody knows
me, I have the opportunity to be stealth for the first time in my life. And for
people who don't know, stealth is essentially just not disclosing your
trans identity to people and letting them assume you are a cis person. The
reason I have this opportunity now and I never had it before is because now that
I'm over a year on testosterone, it's a lot more likely that when I'm wearing
my binder people are going to assume I'm male.
I dress masculine, my shoulders have gotten much broader, my voice has
deepened, my jaw is more prominent, and I have a little bit of facial hair that
you can't see because I just shaved and people start to assume that I'm cis. This
is a really weird scenario for me. As a person who's generally very open and
very vocal about my identity, having people assume that I'm a cis man brings
up a lot of weird emotions that I'm not quite sure how to deal with. For one I
don't let them assume that for very long but also two it means I have people
coming up to me asking me: wait you're trans? I didn't... I didn't know that. I keep
my ID with my birth name hidden in my wallet or in a pocket somewhere nobody
has to see it, and nobody ever does see it. Nobody has to know my birth name.
Nobody has to know I'm trans. What do I do with this? Obviously I'm not the kind
of person who can live stealth for very long in a group of people that I'm
comfortable with. I met a girl in class last week, and I've already talked to her
about being trans, how I realized I'm trans, and we had this
whole conversation drunk after a party so that's kind of why it happened so
quickly. But it came up because these are things that I talk about. These are my
experiences and it's how I relate to the world. So I don't know if I could live
stealth. I don't know if I can ever do that. I don't think I would. And I know I talk
about trans things a lot on the internet, but I talk about them less in person. I
make a lot of jokes and references in regards to my being trans. I will say
things like "oh well I gotta stab myself this weekend I'll see you guys later"
in reference to my t-shot, or when people start to talk about gender roles
obviously I have a lot to say on the topic. And I make a lot of jokes about it.
In my experience it really helps people to understand what it's like to be trans.
And maybe understand isn't the right word, but it helps people cope with it
better when they're meeting someone who's trans for the first time. If you're
very light-hearted about it and very open, they listen. I actually have yet to
meet a person who gives me a lot of shit about it. People tend to have questions
if they've never met a trans person or never spoken to a trans person. But all
of my friends are very open and very accepting. I have a lot of cis friends now,
which is weird. I think that's the main part of it. The main point that makes
this so different for me and it gives me a lot to think about is because in
Boston all of my friends are queer. A lot of them are trans men. Some of them are
non-binary but here in Geneva I'm essentially surrounded by cisgender
heterosexual people. And that's not to say all of my friends here are straight.
They're not, and not all of my friends here are cis either, but for the most
part they are. And when I'm meeting somebody new through these friends, it's
most likely that they're going to be a straight cisgender person. So this is new
for me. I've always been in environments where I surround myself with queer
people and now that's not even a possibility.
Now my friends are straight, so people tend to assume I'm straight too... which is
weird because I'm very much not. I don't know. I don't know if there's really a
point to this or something in particular that I wanted to say except that I don't
know how to live stealth. Being stealth is definitely a weird feeling because
it's a new feeling for me. And I know that if I was in a work environment
where I wasn't confident in being out I could do that, but I don't think socially
I could ever do it. It's just not who I am. I'm very vocal.
I've definitely outed myself through accidentally making jokes way more often
than I have purposely intentionally outed myself in a way that I planned. I
really don't know what to say for this. So it is what it is? Maybe there will be
a time when I try to stay stealth and keep my identity to myself for safety
reasons, but I can't see myself doing it otherwise. A big part of what I'm
passionate about is being vocal about my identity and using that to help pave the
way for other people. And that's not to like stroke my own ego or anything. I
just want to do what I can to make other people's lives easier
I can recognize that being a white man puts me in a position of privilege in
comparison to trans people of color. If being vocal about my identity and
arguing with administrations over policies can help make someone else's
life easier then I'm gonna do it. Obviously I'm gonna
do it. So I kind of can't be stealth. At least not for long. Okay. It's good to
talk these things out with myself and a camera because it's not like
anyone's answering me or if I'm asking - I'm not asking questions this is just
me rambling and you listening I hope. So... yeah.
Okay. I have a date with a girl tonight so I should go. Bye
I'm sorry I'm so congested I sound awful right now
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