Hey folks, it's time for another Letters to an Asexual, this is number 58.
Today I'm going to answer a video request I received from an anonymous Tumblr user.
And this is what they wrote to me.
"Have you ever heard about asexuals not knowing the difference between wanting to actually
date and the societal pressure to date?
Maybe a video idea?
I feel like it's led me to do things I wouldn't have done otherwise.
And I always think back and struggle to understand if I was really interested in them to begin
with."
This is like, an excellent question because um, it actually becomes pretty nuanced, uh,
to tell the difference between what do I intrinsically want to do and what do the messages I'm receiving
in society make me think I want to do?
And sometimes those two things are not all that different.
But when we get to a point where we know enough about something like being aromantic to be
able to consider this is actually an option, then sometimes we can start to puzzle out
what really comes from us and what we're being conditioned to believe.
I'm gonna tell you a story about when I was a little kid.
Um, so, like a lot of y'all, uh, probably will recognize uh, this, uh, phenomenon: when
you're a weird kid, uh, sometimes you don't make friends all that easily.
In my case, it was probably mostly because I was a little bit shy and um, a little bit
nerdy, and I preferred to talk to adults or much older kids, and the kids who were my
own age, I had trouble relating to them or they scared me or they wanted to do things
that I didn't like or didn't understand, but I, I couldn't express to them very well uh,
what I didn't like about it, so ya know, I wasn't a popular kid, um, and I really didn't
hit my stride with finding ways to connect with other people that liked what I liked
and whose company I enjoyed until um, early high school, really.
So um, I felt like because there were these pressures to make friends and don't be lonely,
and this perception if you don't have many friends then it must be that you're lonely,
um, I thought "Oh, well, I must be lonely."
But it was really confusing as a kid because I don't really remember feeling lonely.
I remember feeling like I must be a disappointment.
I must be the laughingstock of the school.
I must be, like, a person that everybody wants to mock or everybody thinks is a reject.
And you know, that's a hurtful thing to internalize.
But when it came down to it, I didn't really sit around wishing I had somebody to pay attention
to.
I wanted to be reading or doing something else fun, and those were not things that I
chose to do because I was trying to drown out sorrows or trying to retreat from my problems.
It's just, I genuinely wanted to be doing those things.
And being social was pretty exhausting, really.
Um, and when I got a little older, it wasn't because I wasn't good at it, you know, I can,
I can connect with people pretty well these days, and you know, that started when I began
to understand how to connect with other people over what we had in common and uh, how to
give and take.
Um, and when I was able to connect with other people and make friends and had opportunities
to invite people over or be invited to things, I still found myself pretty exhausted by uh,
long periods of interaction or if there was a lot of large groups, a lot of noise, a lot
of effort put forth in uh, keeping up social interaction, you know, it turned out I was
just an introvert.
I preferred my solitude.
And um, even though I like individual people and sometimes can feel really fulfilled by
my relationships with other people, I just don't really crave company the way I think
extroverts do.
And in our society, you know, if you live by yourself, or you spend a lot of time alone,
that's practically synonymous with being pathetic.
Or it's synonymous with more outgoing people wanting to help you change that, as if it
must be something you'd want to change if you could, and that the only people who claim
that they don't wanna change that are just liars who wanna save face.
And I feel like, you know, going back into the subject that I was asked to talk about:
relationships are a lot like that.
We feel like if we are not in them, it's because we failed to be.
And um, on top of the fact that that's not true in some of our cases, um, I don't understand
what makes people want to mock people who want to be in relationships but can't be.
I mean, that's not nice.
Ah, why do you want to make fun of somebody who is already being taught that they're a
failure or being taught that uh, you know, their life, their, their, uh, choices, have
led them to something really unenviable?
What feels good about telling that person, "Ya know, you really suck at life"?
It's just, why would you want somebody to feel like that because of your words?
I'm sure it's already hard enough if that actually is how they feel.
But for me, um, I think because I went through that as a kid, and went through everybody
expecting me to wish I had more friends and I really didn't, I had already realized by
high school that, you know, I liked my individual friends but I didn't crave, just, random friendships,
I didn't wish I was in more friendships and have more uh, um, social interaction than
I did.
Um, so--I had been through that, I had already figured that out, about myself, so when it
came to the relationships question, I think it was an easy extension from that concept
to say "this is not something I intrinsically want to do."
Um, and I think I, for that reason, I was luckier than most in that most people absolutely
grow up being fed this idea that everybody connects with other people in a romantic way,
and everybody wants to be married, wants to form at least a relationship with another
person to have a household together, if not also have children, which is very common as
well, this idea that you do that because you're gonna be starting a family, and that's gonna
involve raising children together.
And I mean, things are changing somewhat with the idea of what an acceptable family is,
but there is still a pervasive belief in our society that being single is temporary if
you can help it.
And you don't even have to say anything between the word "single" and whatever you say next
for somebody who's talking to you to feel like they should apologize, "Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that," or they may immediately start giving you suggestions for where you can meet
people or asking if you've tried this, that, or the other, and it doesn't even occur to
them that maybe some of us are single because we want to be.
Uh, and that's disappointing, uh, to have that conversation with someone.
But even people who are a little nicer about it, I think that they still believe it's a
ruse.
I think a lot of them still think we're making it up because we don't wanna admit that we
wish we could find someone.
And at least in my case, ah, I've had so many situations where I had to be really mean to
people to get them to understand that I really did not wanna go there with them, and it wasn't
out of fear, it wasn't because I didn't like the person in a non-romantic way, it was because
I literally want to be single for my whole life.
And that is not an answer you're allowed to fill in on the scan-tron in your life as a
person this society.
Uh, so, I think that the only exception is people who are very dedicated to a craft or
a career, and again, it's perceived as you're doing this instead, you're this because you've
got to pour all of your tension into something that'll take your mind off how lonely you
are.
Um, and I absolutely agree with this anonymous person who sent me this Tumblr message, that
I have tried things that I wouldn't have tried if um, messages from media and from people
around me and from examples I see in society hadn't made me think this is something I need
to try, and um, relationships are just like a default.
People think of course you'd want to be in this specific kind of life arrangement.
And it doesn't even seem to occur to a lot of folks that there are other options.
Not just being single, but being in relationships that are not romantic, or um, raising a family
with people that you're not romantically involved with.
There's a lot of alternate options and I wish that we could hurry forward in the progression
of society's perceptions of relationships so that we could get to this point where all
kinds of different arrangements are seen as relatively equal, rather than okay, these
are these weird people's alternate version of the real thing, which is a cross-gender
partnership in which you get married and have children.
Um, so, um, let me look at this question again and see if I've covered, let's see, have I
heard about asexuals not knowing the difference between wanting to actually date and the societal
pressure to date.
Hah, I guess I have a little more to say about that.
Like I said in the beginning, it can be really nuanced to separate what do I feel from what
has society told me I'm supposed to be feeling.
Um, some of y'all who are asexual and/or aromantic, tell me if you've experienced this: Like,
you have a date with someone and you went on the date because they asked you out, and
it was their idea, and you thought, "eh, why not?
I have this opportunity to try this out, let's see if I like this.
Let's see if I like the person.
Let's see what it's all about."
And then you spend the experience wondering "Is this that thing I heard about in the movies?
Is this kissing supposed to feel good at this point?
Is it supposed to be this boring?
Or is it supposed to be this gross?"
Um, "Why don't I hear music from Heaven coming down?
Why don't I feel tingly?
Why don't I feel excited about this person?
Why do I just kinda want it to be over?"
Um, we're comparing our actual experience with what we've been told we're supposed to
experience.
And I think even if you're not asexual or aromantic or both, um, lots of people have
that experience, like "Oh wow, I've seen this in so many movies and now I'm doing it!"
But it's kinda like, for a lot of them it's like a fulfillment of that dream, they're
like "Now it's finally my turn!
And it was great!"
Whereas for us, a lot of the times, it's confusing, and it's disappointing.
And um, we then have to wonder, well, did I do something wrong so that I don't like
this?
Because everybody makes it seem like this is great, so was I judgmental, was I just
scared, was this the wrong person?
Was this the wrong gender?
Um, was I just not ready?
Will I be ready in a couple of years?
What should I do differently next time?
Maybe I should be more assertive.
Maybe I should be less assertive.
Uh, we second-guess ourselves a lot when it doesn't pan out how we're told it's supposed
to pan out.
And um, yeah, that can be um, it can be really disorienting, and if I can get this across
to some of the folks who watch my videos that are not asexual or aromantic themselves, how,
uh, I think a lot of people underestimate the power of these societal messages when
they do not fit you--how lost you can feel when your experience doesn't measure up.
Um, there is so much power in expectation.
And this goes all the way to, um, permanent relationships where you marry the person,
raise a family with them, like some aspects of that but you're kind of trapped with other
aspects of it that you never wanted, and you're forced to feel like, well, that's your problem,
you just are wrong, you feel wrong, and you can't talk to anyone about it, because those
feelings are shamed and minimized, and if you, if you feel romantically attracted to
someone but not sexually attracted to them, you're not supposed to talk about that, because
that would be rude, or that would be offensive to them, that would make them feel like they're
not attractive, it would make, that would make them feel like they're bad at sex, when
it's not really about them, a lot of times it's about how your orientation works.
But you're not allowed to say that, because then your love for them, which you do feel,
is called into question.
Um, for those of us who are aromantic, it's a little bit different, because a lot of us
avoid relationships, um, you know, we don't let ourselves get into romantic relationships
that last a long time because we feel wrong about it, but I mean, there are a lot of aromantic
people who have ended up in relationships that they feel like they can't leave because,
you know, those messages were very loud and they do care about the person, they just don't
feel about them the way that society led them to believe they would if they had a relationship
with them, and if they had other positive feelings about them.
Um, so it's really hard to describe to people who never had a problem with these messages
how pervasive and how powerful those messages are in uh, making us change the way we live
our lives.
When you get those "supposed-to's" that don't fit you, there is this alienation that comes
crashing down that just, it makes you feel like you can't talk to other people about
it, and it makes you feel like, ah, there's just something fundamentally wrong with who
you are.
This is why we need language.
This is why we need community.
This is why we need to have these conversations.
Because without them, we ARE very alone in ways we don't wanna be.
Even we wanna be alone.
If that makes sense.
So, with that, um, I encourage you to talk more about nuanced feelings that you feel.
Find out if other people are experiencing these things with regard to relationships
or sexual orientation.
Don't feel like this is something you can't share with someone, even if you feel like
it's gonna be an unpopular perspective.
Like, folks who have wanted to talk about, "Yeah, maybe because I'm autistic and I'm
asexual, then those two things, maybe they're more related than I thought they were," or
people who are transgender, I've heard some of them say, "I don't like to talk about that
I identified as asexual before my transition, and now that I've transitioned and I'm more
comfortable with who I am, I'm realizing that I do feel those attractions, and I feel like
I'm casting doubt on asexuality because it was a phase for me, and it was an element
of not really knowing myself or not being able to live my truth."
You know, these kinds of perspectives, lots of people are feeling them!
And if we don't talk about them, then we won't find out that lots of other people are going
through that, and it's totally a legitimate thing that you don't have to deal with by
yourself, and you don't have to feel like it's wrong or that you need to seek counseling
to get past it, because if it's part of who you are, why do you need to get rid of it?
So, um, as a person who wants to be single and has no romantic feelings toward other
people, and has no problem being alone, I mean, I wish I was alone more than I, more
than I am!
Um, but like, as a person who is in that situation, um, I still sometimes feel pressured from
outside, and um, I feel like people are still looking at me as if I failed to human properly.
And it's still, it is painful to be interpreted that way.
Um, and I'm glad that I have people to talk to about why it's completely fine to live
the way that I do.
Um, I'm not gonna say, like, oh, I crave validation for this, because that's not really what it
is, but um, those messages are drilled into you pretty early and pretty often, about what
your life is supposed to look like.
And uh, those of us who question some of the more fundamental aspects of human life, um,
we sometimes need help to be strong.
Because we certainly had a lot of "help" to be weak.
Um, to have our true feelings chipped away at and derided and questioned so that only
the strongest of us have felt like we're allowed to stand the way that we want to.
And um, those who are not given access to community, access to language, access to support,
a lot of them just end up getting swallowed up in uh, situations that do not let them
live their authentic lives, and we never hear about it because they don't feel free to speak.
I'd like to see a lot less of that happening in the future, and um, it all starts with
these conversations, so keep having them, guys.
All right, well, I've rambled long enough for this one.
I think I'll just end here and I'll see y'all next time, okay?
Bye!
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