thank you for your kind words I thank you for your prayers I thank you all so
much look for all your prayers for Applejack like Applejack is so low
hi thanks for clicking on Simply Tanika I am Tanika if you are new here welcome
hit that subscribe button let's hang out a while if you are returning welcome
back what's that fertility BAM we got to do
what let's get those babies ladies hey fam how are you today is Tuesday January
8th happy new year is that right yeah happy new year it is my first video of
2019 it's so crazy Oh although I've been chatting with you
guys so it feels like I've talked to you this year but I haven't been on camera
so I I'm going to try to make this brief the long short of it is I think you guys
know from the last video but it's officially at the end of my pregnancy or
my pregnancy is ending I guess I should say I don't know how to say it I'm I'm
not going to I'm just gonna say what I'm gonna say and then either it comes out
okay or not and Friday I went in and my HCG did not increase appropriately it
should have gotten to I think by 1100 by Friday and it did not it did increase
but not appropriately and so that is pretty much the beginning of the end I
opted to not do any sort of medical intervention I didn't want to do that
meaning the last time in 2017 when I had a miscarriage I did medication for it so
that it made my uterus contract and the contents of my pregnancy as they say or
expelled I was 10 weeks at that point so technically if we go by my last
menstrual period LMP I should be about seven weeks when that when I didn't go I
think it's since we put 7 weeks so you would expect
to already have been in the thousands at that point we had a little bit of a
leeway but as you heard or most of the conversation with doctors will promise
them and that the audio is not good but their stuff only it has it yes oh my god
can you see it oh my god Kocher
okay all right oh my god I'm gonna call the clinic and see if I can get in I'm
gonna see if I can get in today I was gonna wait till tomorrow but I have this
now so um it's 849 I'm gonna hop in the shower and just go over there and with
these tests I'm gonna take a picture this I don't I think this stays for 24
hours um oh my god other words Eddie this ain't what they said on there no
matter what color no matter how dark so dr. Lowell sent because it's got started
to go up he wants to have you repeat it still no all right thank you happy New
Year to you too Katrina had spotting on Christmas Eve on the 24
now I'm going to pray for what is it god grant me the strength to accept the
things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom
the wisdom to know the difference so I'm praying for strength right now
there wasn't a high expectation right everyone was saying cautiously
optimistic and so I knew what I was up against and so my goal was to enjoy
AppliTrack as much as I could and that those were my intentions I don't know
that it ended up that way this last weekend on Instagram I think I just like
I lost it and I was like I wish people would stop asking me how am I feeling
because I'm feeling too many things to text you about I mean as the short
answer too many things to DM you about which is how people are asking and then
my niece was like it's Apple Jacks time hanging around and nights and then no
cuz I was like I don't want to not be honest with her so I said no I said my
numbers are not increasing appropriately but given what I was going through at
the moment I thought it was crass to ask me is he still sticking around because
literally that's what I've been praying for him to stick around so it just
seemed like really blunt and I don't think she meant it that way I honestly
don't harbor any ill will toward I don't think she realized what she was saying I
hope to god she doesn't realize what she was saying it's just a hard thing it's
just a hard thing to keep answering it's a hard thing to have to answer because
if I said yes and then later said oh yeah
that day for the why didn't you tell me but that's the thing and I think it's
it's so interesting because the last time I had the miscarriage a lot of
people were upset with me because I didn't tell them immediately I didn't
tell them what was going on and I did what I felt was right for me at the time
and so now more people know because I have this YouTube channel I'm talking
about her people but I feel like it's backfiring because I thought before well
I didn't tell anyone cuz I knew it was a high risk and I was waiting and then I
thought oh my god I had to go through it all alone I could have liked sharing it
with someone but in the end I am going through it all alone because I feel like
a lot of like my I don't want to say that I am NOT going through it totally
alone because I know that a lot of you guys have supported me and I am so
grateful for that I know I'm on a delay so it's hard it's
hard for us to stay connected and so I think people are reaching out to me and
the DMSO feel a connection and to check in like genuinely concerned about how I
feel which I so tremendously appreciate and I don't want to sound like I don't
appreciate it and I don't want to something I'm not grateful because I'm
so incredibly grateful for all of us what I'm saying is to have to explain it
to people who don't get it over and over and over again is draining like some
people don't know what HCG is they don't know that it has to increase at a
certain rate they don't know you know someone was like oh oh but you're five
weeks or six weeks shouldn't you have a heartbeat
no because the HCG is not high enough and so it's just like that part it's a
little difficult that part is a little difficult but I'm gonna suck it up
because I've decided to be public with this I decided that I wanted to share my
story so this is the story I wanted to help others and so I think part of
helping is I'm not the only one who has family member seemed out understand
infertility I'm not the who has been remembers who don't know
about assisted reproductive technology right and so I can't be the only one
having to go through this explaining this to people in the middle of my own
crisis and so I don't have all the answers if you've been through it and
you have had to explain it to someone like how did you get through it and how
did you keep your sanity because I do feel like I'm losing a little bit of my
mind quite frankly I mean that I posted on Instagram like I am grumpy I'm tired
and bloated because and I'm angry I didn't say that in the post cuz I don't
want people to think I'm ungrateful and I didn't want to like I wanted to like
my numbers didn't increase opponents are great about that moment but it was like
feeling very much pregnant having all those kind of symptoms signs of
everything else and knowing it's not going to end in a baby and knowing I had
that fear and then I'm like I'm feeling guilty like did I speak it into
existence but I was trying to explain it to people as we went along because I
wanted to manage your expectations I don't know if that's right or not a
written retrospect I don't know if I should be worried about other people's
feelings at this moment other than part of it was to help inform help change the
conversation because there are women who have miscarriages one in four and this
is called like an early loss I don't even know I guess that's also a
miscarriage I'm not gonna call it a chemical pregnancy I hate that
expression um but I think I don't know I think there's like a medical term that
HCG doesn't get so high I don't know guys I don't know I'm not even gonna
like there's so many like articles right through my head I don't want to misstate
it early loss is what they're calling it medically which is a form of a
miscarriage and yeah yeah I made the decision to share this story publicly so
this is part of the story so that's it and I am grateful to all of you guys who
wished well who have said things like you deserve it I think we all deserve it
I think we've all worked hard for our babies and I hope that we all get them I
thank you for your kind words I thank you for your prayers I thank you all so
much look for all your prayers for Applejack like Applejack is so loved the
idea of the baby is so loved before ever coming into the world it just warms my
heart that you could see what I could see or you could believe in what
couldn't be seen in the same way that I did and so I thank you for that I thank
you for all of your prayers for me I thank you for all of your prize for
Applejack I haven't walked I think I said that I think I said that in the
other and I wasn't gonna walk I needed to take time off I had to go through
every three days of blood draws we went to five days and it was just very
stressful I didn't film at all I think I think when people are checking on you on
me they don't realize like how stressful that is to keep going for the blood
draws I'm waiting for the increase and then wanting an update and it's like
I've got to process my old feelings and so it's just like every time you know
it's crazy I was a crazy person I had a spreadsheet I knew what number we had to
hit each time and I was just holding my breath or waiting for the phone call to
come so you wake up that morning and you have this anticipation and so going
through the shower and the subway ride and the blood draw and going through all
that I don't want to say dread it wasn't dread because there was hope at the end
of those hope that it was gonna go up and hope that EJ was still gonna be with
me but it was anxiety ridden and I already have an anxiety disorder and so
going through that and then someone was like are you doing pee on the stick and
oh my god I would have lost my mind so I did that one crazy day of regression
testing and then I that that did not make sense now it's
not gonna make it so I didn't and then we were doing three day draws and then
we were doing the five days which was better but it is anxiety ridden like I
said I had the spreadsheet I just been a crazy person because you don't know and
yeah so I don't know what I'm gonna I have still other the video before this
to edit about when I talked to the doctor and she was saying it doesn't
look good and we're gonna be cautiously optimistic which was the most detailed
conversation I had because up to that point my doctor had not been back in the
office and so I knew it was a long shot I knew it was a long shot before I ever
took my first injection I knew it was a long shot and I do out the process I
prayed for progress not perfection and we got progress and so I was grateful
for that and I tried my best to enjoy a little Applejack every single day but
toward the in it just got to be so stressful and so it was a lot there a
lot to there so for some of you guys at the end I probably just stopped
responding to dance and if I didn't respond please don't take it personally
I was just not in a good space I do appreciate I totally appreciate the
fact that you were checking on me and I understand the sentiment that you were
not meeting me a harm I get that and I'm not upset with you I was just stressed
out for people it was like I can't explain it the blood draw days was extra
stressful because you go it in the morning and then you don't get the draws
you don't get the results till 2:30 3 o'clock if I'm not in a meeting and then
if I haven't a meeting I can't voice my where they don't tell you they want you
to call back or there's an email but most of the times I was call back so it
was just incredibly stressful and then people who knew I had the blood draw
calling the house and I think they meant well but I don't know that people are
really prepared to hear the answer when they ask when you ask is
well Jack's still sticking around and I tell you know you got to accept that you
asked you know what I mean and like I know people are probably like oh you
shouldn't be so sensitive or you and you're right I probably shouldn't be so
sensitive but I am Who I am I'm 47 I'm probably not gonna change and so I think
that's the thing about knowing how to support somebody because it really was
sending me over the edge and it was it felt so awful to read those text
messages it felt so awful to read those dx7
coming again and again it's Applejack still around it's Applejack sitting with
us like guys you gotta know the answer could be no is that a text message
conversation we're gonna have and that's what the dread was coming in maybe I
knew I don't know I don't wanna say I knew because I was hopeful but it was
stressing me out and so um I'm rambling I'm like my point
I want to make is I appreciate you checking on me I appreciate your concern
and I was not in a really good place to her seeing all of it or to respond to it
and so I think there's only so much anybody can take and clearly I reached
my breaking point and it was stressful at work like work is crazy beginning of
the year like we had to close out last year and we had to UM I had a product to
launch and so yeah it was just a lot a lot and people were reaching out to me
and my family who I hadn't spoken to her in a long time because they saw the
videos and which that became a whole other thing because the videos are on
delay so I can talk to my family members other panel members and I thought needed
to know how to talk to you I had no idea so many people were watching their
videos and so then they were behind and then I'm
trying to exploit it it was just like oh my god it was a lot it was so much
because well you guys are under like I can respond to the comment of that video
so in my mind it's that two weeks ago but then my family sees it and they want
to know up to date and it kind of makes sense to tell them so that I don't have
to call him again in two weeks and so it was just especially when there was like
the false like and then the technically and then the it was so many
conversations I said it was like I I'll tell you what I think I understand now
why people do it and get through it all like I remember
watching Charlie meddlings video and she had four miscarriages three or four at
that point when she came back she had already heard her heartbeat like the
next like she was gone for a while she came back she had a heartbeat
I remember Lisa Lindsay they didn't come back on and say they were until and it
makes so much more sense now than to be going through it in real-time or even
close to real-time and I thought the two weeks were good but then there's a lot
of you guys who knew didn't know it was on two-week delay so then you would see
the video like I posted it on New Year's Day and then two days later before like
is there an update and I was just like oh my god I can't keep up and in that
video I said I was gonna take a break that I was gonna rest so I was like it's
two days later kupets I don't know so it's just just like and I know everybody
means well so I'm not like I I'm not ungrateful I swear it was just a lot
anyway okay you get it it was a lot no I don't know I'm trying to think what
questions you guys might have so
you
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