PolyRoleModels: Would you like to introduce yourself?
Velvet: Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
So, my name is Velvet O'Clare.
I am a burlesque performer, producer, an educator, a performer, like, with with other theater.
I have a multitude of different things going on.
But burlesque and sex education is kind of my biggest passion, and I have a bunch of
different projects that I work on with that, here in Orlando, Florida.
PolyRoleModels: Oh, awesome.
Well, to get right to the questions, how long have you been polyamorous?
Or how long have you been practicing polyamory?
Velvet: I would consider those probably two different questions for me.
You know, because I kind of see polyamory as part of my identity now.
So I think I've always kind of had it in me, so to speak.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Fair enough.
Velvet: But I've been practicing, officially, for about a year and a half.
So I'm still kind of a baby when it comes to the actual practicing of it.
Prior to that, with an ex, we kind of dipped our toes, and we tried some things out.
And it was kind of weird and we weren't sure.
But I think, you know, once I started reading about the actual ... what polyamory means
and what ethical non-monogamy stands for, and all of these things, I realized that was
something that as kind of part of who I was for a long time.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Fair enough.
Well, what does your relationship dynamic look like?
Velvet: Well, I definitely would consider myself solo poly.
That's kind of how I choose to identify.
That said, I do have two partners right now who are, you know, more serious, maybe, than
others.
But of course, terminology is hard.
It's hard to find the right words to describe all these things.
But I consider myself solo poly because I consider myself my own primary partner, first.
So I like to make sure that I am taken care of, and ... Actually, that sounds selfish,
doesn't it?
But I think it's important that we all take care of ourselves.
But I do have, like I said, these two other partners that are very important in my life.
We're active in each other's lives.
And then I have a variety of other partners of differing levels.
And they all have partners as well.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
All right.
Well, what aspect of polyamory do you excel at?
Velvet: That's a good question, isn't it.
Because, excel, I mean ... Well of course, flat out, I really ... I love spreadsheets.
And I love organization, and I love calendars.
So, I would say a lot of the scheduling, and kind of those more practical things, I really,
really like and I like to think that I'm quite good at.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Velvet: But I think there's also some deeper things to that.
To this aspect of polyamory and of working with people where they are.
I think there are some kind of parallels there.
And so, I think that I often excel at accepting people where they are, and helping them kind
of figure out some things within their own polyamory journey.
So, I like to think that that's something I'm good at, facilitating those kind of discussions.
Especially when it comes to, like, four other people.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah.
Fair enough.
Velvet: I think that's one of my strong suits.
PolyRoleModels: All right.
And what aspect do you struggle with?
Velvet: Yeah, see, and there's the flip side, right?
I'm good at facilitating for other people.
I've struggled a long time with figuring out what it is that I am feeling, and what it
is that I want, and vocalizing those things.
So obviously, polyamory is helping me with that.
I'm getting much better, but it's still a struggle for me.
I still kind of revert into, sometimes, my feelings of not being sure what I want and
not being sure how to say it.
So that's always been something.
We do have a polyamory community here in Orlando.
But I'm not very active in it.
And so I tend to date people who are not necessarily in the poly community, or they're not as familiar
with it.
They're open to it, of course.
I'm always open about how I approach things.
But that's been a struggle as well, less internally and more externally.
But that's kind of where it comes back in, what I was saying earlier about helping facilitate
those discussions.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
But how do you address those struggles?
How do you overcome them?
Or, do you overcome them?
Velvet: Well, it's still a work in progress, right?
So, I listen to a lot of podcasts, I read a lot of books.
I have a lot of conversations.
And I think that's been what ... Because again, these are issues that I have in my everyday
life, even outside of polyamory stuff, you know.
And so, I think this is a time when polyamory has actually really helped me.
Because I am learning to have these conversations.
Right now the two biggest things that I focus on are getting over the feeling of should,
that I should be reacting a certain way, and just kind of accepting myself where I am.
PolyRoleModels: I understand that.
Velvet: And then ... So, one of the things I'm really working on lately, is that feeling
of should and the feeling that I have to be acting out ... be doing things in a certain
way, to feel like I'm doing it right or wrong.
PolyRoleModels: Yeah.
I understand.
All right.
And, in terms of risk-aware or safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect
one another?
Velvet: Well, it's a lot about communication, and just talking.
Because of course, we're all responsible for each other.
And I don't really like to put specific roles on for other people.
So I just want to be communicative and aware of what's going on.
I use barriers for any partners that have penises that I'm interacting with.
And I ask that my partners do the same, or do similar things.
And then I ask that they, if there's ever any time where there's a mistake or where
something happens, I just really want to know about it.
So that I can take care of myself that way.
So, of course regular testing is a thing.
I will say, for some of my more casual partners and some of their partners, finances, of getting
the full barrage of tests can be hefty for some people.
And so, that has been a struggle.
That's been kind of a hurdle that we've been kind of overcoming.
But again, as long as I feel that communication, and everybody kind of knows what's going on,
then they can make the choices that suit them the best.
PolyRoleModels: Understood.
Now, what is the worst mistake you've ever made in your polyamorous history, and how
did you rebound from that?
Velvet: Well, theoretically, I like to think that there's no real mistakes, right?
That they're all learning experiences and stuff.
But the actuality is, it's harder than that.
I would say that, though a lot of the things that I consider big mistakes were when I was
trying to figure out this non-monogamy thing, but doing in unethically.
So, there have been a few situations where, you know, I was, to use a stereotype, the
other woman.
Or whatever the situation was.
And those are things that I seriously regret.
For example, a partner that I have now, previously we had, ... When I say, made a mistake.
Before we were all ethically non-monogamous.
And so when we started this journey into ethical non-monogamy we had to kind of go back and
approach that with the other partner.
With my metamour.
And kind of deal with that.
So that was definitely what I consider a mistake.
But at the same time, it was a learning experience, and it brought us to where we are today.
And we all communicate much better now, I think, for having gone through that.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
All right.
That makes sense.
Now, what self-identities are important to you?
And how do you feel being polyamorous intersects with those?
Or impacts those self-identities?
Velvet: Well, I'm one of those people, as I mentioned, I have a whole bunch of different
projects.
And I'm one of those people that, I feel kind of like a different person all the time.
Like, I feel like it's constantly changing.
So I've actually been working quite a bit to kind of get away from the identity thing,
just for myself.
Because it's been detrimental to me in the past.
I've gotten this idea of, like, who I am in my head.
That said, of course, we still have these things that we identify with.
I still identify as being polyamorous.
I'm pansexual.
And I consider myself queer, as well.
Because of how those intersect and everything.
I'm totally a geek, I'm a burlesque performer, I am an actress.
A lot of these things ... I travel.
So I like traveler, or whatever you want to say.
And so these all kind of come together.
And I think that polyamory has been an interesting ... It's been interesting, as I delve into
polyamory, because I realize how the traits that make me attracted to polyamory also show
up in other aspects of my life.
So, this desire to live in a bunch of different places and experience them all for what they
are.
You know, it's a similar concept.
So, I've been thinking a lot lately about those kind of intersections.
And what my deep down motivations for life, how that manifests in these different areas.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Makes sense.
All right.
Now, do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc., that you're involved with, that
you would like to promote?
Velvet: I would love to, yeah.
Like I said, I'm a burlesque performer/producer, but mostly lately I've been focusing on a
podcast that I work on, called Burlesque Stripped Down.
So we do talk to a lot of burlesque performers and producers.
But we also had, like, a Season O'Sex.
So, we've had some great sex educators that have come on the show.
And talk about that intersection between art and sexuality, particularly burlesque and
sexuality.
PolyRoleModels: Okay.
Velvet: So, everybody can check that out.
It's on all podcast places, or burlesquestrippeddown.com.
And then I have a new endeavor that not quite ready to go yet.
But I'm working on something called the Society of Life Exploration.
And it's basically a place to facilitate exploring all different things.
From, like, sexuality to crafting, adulting skills.
All of these different things that you might be interested in.
In kind of one safe, brave space.
And so, that will be launching early in 2018.
So, depending on when everybody's watching this, they can find that at soleorlando, that's
S-O-L-E, orlando.com.
PolyRoleModels: All right.
Awesome.
Awesome.
Yeah, that all sounds great.
Thank you so much for taking the time and showing up for Poly Role Models.
Velvet: Absolutely.
Thank you for having me.
PolyRoleModels: All right.
Have a good night.
Velvet: You too.
PolyRoleModels: All right.
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