Almost every parent wants the same thing for their child.
To turn out happy, responsible, capable, considerate, emotionally healthy, and self-disciplined.
Well, it turns out, there is a great deal of valuable research on just how to do that
sensibly, and Dr. Laura Markham walks us through it in her book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.
Keep watching to find out how.
And while you're at it, you see this button under this video.
If it's still red, press it!
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting
By Dr. Laura Markham
There are Three Big Ideas at the heart of this book:
Regulating Yourself Fostering Connection, and
Coaching, Not Controlling In previous videos we went over how regulating
yourself and your emotions affects your ability to connect with your child.
And the more deeply connected you are with your child, the more your child trusts you
have their best interests at hand, which in turn enables you to influence and guide your
child to happiness.
Links to those videos can be found in the description box below.
This video will cover: Coaching, Not Controlling.
When we think of ourselves as coaches, we know that all we have is influence – so
we work hard to stay respected and connected, so our child wants to "follow" us, as opposed
to when we try to control our children.
Besides connecting, most interactions with our children fall into one of three categories:
- Dealing with emotions - Teaching appropriate behaviour, and
- Teaching skills Let's explore how to approach each of these
areas of life with our child from a coaching, rather than controlling, perspective.
At the heart of dealing with emotions and teaching appropriate behaviour is empathy.
It's not just us seeing things from our child's point of view, but rather, feeling it in our
bodies.
When your child acts out, has a meltdown or show's "troublesome behaviour", it's a signal
that your child has big feelings or unmet needs she has not yet learned to deal with
cognitively.
You can take care of these feelings before they burst out later on with special time
and games geared towards "emotion coaching – Links for videos on both topics below.
Once these feelings make an appearance though, Dr. Markham dares you not to discipline.
In fact, studies show that punishment creates more bad behaviour over time.
Children actually learn how to behave from what we model everyday.
And if a child doesn't know the appropriate behaviour, then teaching is in order, NOT
punishment.
Instead of spanking, yelling, time outs, or even natural consequences you have control
over, allow expression of emotion, acknowledge your child's perspective, and show empathy
while limiting actions.
You can offer your child lots of love and support, while still holding high expectations
(See the description box for a video link on how to set empathetic limits and how to
wean yourself off of consequences).
Your child doesn't have to like it, but you can empathize with his unhappiness and work
on your connection.
Again, none of which is possible unless you regulate yourself.
And last but not least we have, how to guide our child in
Teaching Skills
Usually, when people mention success, they're referring to achievement.
Do well in school, get a prestigious job, etc.
Happiness though, doesn't come from this type of "success".
Instead, happiness depends on connecting deeply with others, and "self-actualization" – developing
our full potential by accessing our unique gifts, honing them and sharing them with the
world.
If we can help our children do this and engage in the cycle of exploration and self-expression
– what is called mastery, we can help them achieve true success.
Children are motivated toward mastery when they experience the pleasure of pursuing an
interest and overcoming the inevitable challenges of mastering it.
You can help your child discover the joy of mastery by the following.
1.
Unconditional love.
Allowing your child to believe she is deeply lovable just by being herself, and not for
her achievements is the foundation of your child's happiness, which mastery is not possible
without.
2.
Respect.
We respect by appreciating our unique child wherever he is in his development.
We don't rush in to teach or rescue.
We respect his interests, and act as our child's partner or even assistant, rather than his
boss, as he sets the course, making ourselves available as a resource.
3.
Scaffolding.
The scaffolding we provide for our child is what allows him to build his own inner structure
to become successful at a given behaviour.
This includes providing routines and habits, expectations for behaviour, modeling and providing
a safe environment.
The best way to help a child experience mastery is to respectfully observe him, so we see
where he needs support, and then build scaffolding in those places.
4.
Affirm the value of joy for its own sake.
Mastery is about the joy of exploration and learning, which gives the child the motivation
to keep practicing enough to master something.
If she loves swimming, let her swim.
Support her in swimming, but don't get overly invested in coaching her for the Olympics
or you'll take the joy out of it.
Follow her lead.
5.
Affirm your child's ability to impact the world.
The more your child has opportunities to make a difference in the world, the more he will
see himself as capable.
6.
Help her build confidence by tackling manageable challenges, with you as backup.
Just be there to watch her.
It will give her confidence.
7.
Praise effort, not results.
"Wow!
You didn't give up" or "You've almost got it!"
8.
Teach self-encouragement.
The way we talk to our child will become their inner voice.
"Practice makes perfect."
"If you don't succeed, try, try again!"
9.
Support him in discovering his own passions.
Children are motivated when they pursue something that's important to them rather than a goal
we generate for them.
And they discover their passions through self-directed exploration, which can look a lot like wasting
time to adults.
Respect that.
If we can put all the things we learned in this video together, and gather up our patience
and courage, we might just end up as peaceful parents with happy kids!
That is my hope for you, as well as for myself!
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