- Hi.
Welcome to Facebook Live.
You'll notice that there's a time change
and a location change today.
I'm actually coming to you from
my counselling rooms in Denham Street today.
Today's topic is tools and techniques used by manipulators.
I'm going to just give you five quick techniques
that manipulators use in order to manipulate you.
And you'll love some of the terminology here.
I've mentioned love bombing once before.
This is probably one of the first things
that you'll see in a manipulative relationship
where that person will what we
call love bomb you and what they're really
doing here is they're setting up a situation
where you're addicted to their attention.
So, that love bombing is validating you.
So it's telling you how wonderful you are, praising you,
giving you lots and lots of time and attention.
Might be constant text messages and contact.
It could be presents even.
So physical gifts, flowers, those kinds of things.
Whatever it is they set it up so that
they are seemingly the answer to your prayers.
I don't know if you've ever heard that phrase that
the devil comes dressed as everything you've ever wanted,
and I don't want to bring a religious connotation into it,
but the reality is what they're trying
to do is make themselves look like,
or make you believe that they are
exactly what you've been looking for.
So, prior to this there will have been lots of questions
and throughout this period there will
be lots of questions about what it is
you are looking for in a partner, in a man.
They'll then mirror those things back to you
so that you believe that you have
now found exactly the person that you were looking for.
So that's called love bombing and it's an intense phase
and it's all about getting you
to connect with them, to attach with them,
so it's an artificial false intense attachment
is what they're aiming to create.
One of the next things that we talk about
are circular conversations.
You probably won't see this in the early days
but once there's conflict you'll
begin to see this in the circular conversations.
So these are the conversations that
seem to go around and 'round and 'round in circle
but never actually are resolved.
They're, it's almost like you lose track
of what the topic of the conversation was actually about.
And you're thinking hang on, how did we end up here?
This is a whole different subject
then what we were talking about a moment ago.
And it may be that it's the same subject
that comes up again and again and again.
So, it might be about your parents or it might
be about something that you've done,
a transgression in the past or something along those lines.
In circular conversations they have
a way of always bringing this topic back
to this particular topic whatever it is.
So whatever it is that you might have conflict about today,
it always winds back to this previous topic,
this previous conversation that's clearly,
you may have thought it was resolved at the time
and maybe multiple times since then
you have believed it's been resolved,
but the conversation always keeps coming back to that.
And it's circular in nature so,
it isn't resolved and it always feels
as though you kind of lose track of well,
hang on what was this conversation even about?
Where did this start?
So that's what a circular conversation is all about.
Don't confuse a circular conversation with word salad, okay?
This is another great phrase.
Word salad is I guess another name for political speak.
It's where they use lots of words,
oftentimes those words will be very complex
and intellectual sounding but
they don't actually mean anything.
And so when you boil it all down,
there's no actual content.
It's a bunch of confusing words sort of tied together
to make it sound like they're participating
in the conversation or discussion,
or that they're very knowledgeable
when in fact the content once you take out
all those extra words is actually very very little.
It's designed to confuse you along
with the circular conversations,
word salad is very confusing.
It means that you can't keep track of where
the conversation's going or what the conversation
is actually about and whether or not
that person has actually made a commitment,
there's not been any kind of a resolution.
So word salad is a lot of content,
very little subject matter.
And so when you walk away from
the conversation you go oh, hang on,
we didn't actually resolve that or
he didn't actually state what his position was on that.
I'm no more informed now then
I was prior to the conversation.
So that's the whole point behind word salad.
The person can seemingly interact with you,
but there's no actual content.
There's no actual value to the conversation.
No real point of even having it
and that's the idea behind word salad.
So they look like they participate,
and they're intellectually actually there
but the reality is there's no content.
They don't actually add any value.
Another thing that we'll see is called fake teaming.
Now this is where I set up that
you and I are on the same team.
So, the kind of way that you might see that used
would be it's alright darling, we'll sort it out.
Or Hon, we'll sort that when we get to it.
And the reason why it's fake is because
it happens far to early in the relationship.
It happens long before there's any kind of a commitment
or any kind of suggestion that you two are in fact a team.
It's inappropriate.
It's usually too early or there isn't
any actual attachment or connection
or reason why you would be a team.
The reality of this particular manipulative technique
is this is actually used in some
very sinister ways by very sinister people.
I'm talking in rapes and murders even.
Often times they'll follow you
and they'll pick up a can maybe
or something you've dropped and hand it back to you,
and they'll try to set up a dynamic
where they're on the same team as you,
and that's why we call it fake teaming.
And you'll see this a lot in the early days when
it's inappropriate for you to
be thinking in terms of teaming
and it's to create a bond and a sense of intimacy
and a sense that you're both on the same team.
Obviously a manipulator wants you to believe
that you are both on the same team.
And the next thing is future faking.
And this is a great one.
You'll see this a lot with highly
controlling and manipulative people
because they want you to believe
that they're thinking about a future with you.
And so they'll actually dream with you.
They'll actually talk about the future.
Might be going to Ireland with him to see,
to go to a wedding with his family.
It might be we'll holiday here or we'll do this
or we'll build this house or
we're gonna travel the world and do this.
So future faking is where they set up
this vision of a fake future with you.
And obviously the reason for that is
because that gets you more attached
and you believe that they are considering
and thinking about a future with you in it.
Unfortunately, it's often very false
and it's designed purely to have
you attach and connect with them
and they don't mean a word that they're saying.
So that's five different techniques
and terms that manipulators use.
There'll be more that I'll add
to your vocabulary in coming months
but watch out for those things.
You'll see that they are there underpinning nearly
every toxic relationship to some degree or another.
Now people who are toxic don't necessarily use
all of these but you'll certainly see a number
of them being used and oftentimes
you will see all of them to different degrees.
Anyway, if you would like to learn more
about some of the services that I offer,
you can duck over to www.liminalcoaching.com.au
and have a look at the different services that I offer.
There are obviously you can watch this on YouTube,
you can read the articles on LinkedIn,
and you can listen to the podcast as well.
Thanks for joining me today.
Have a great week and I will see you next week.
Bye.
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