This is not related to the video I have a Burt's Bees
sort of lip shimmer and it's kind of moisturizing and I already have like
chapstick on my lips so a
Little bit of this and I can feel fancy for the rest of the day. Okay
today's topic
It's one that I have been thinking about addressing for a bit. I
Want to talk about it in the right way
That's hard because what is the right way? I?
did write down notes in my bullet journal I
want to start a new one for next year, so
I'm writing down video ideas here. Even though I actually have a separate notebook for that
Like when I try to [have a] manuscript in some way shape or form, so we're gonna flip to that side
Okay, so two terms that I want to
Address before going into the actual video. Is
Me, I am calling this
Me being on a long term sick leave and I am currently not employed. I
Had the opportunity to come in and work a couple of hours
Like a day here or a day there at
One place that I really really liked. I really want to go back there. I liked the personnel. I
Like the chores I liked, I liked all of it. It was really great
Um, but I'm not allowed to go in and work there
Because of me being on a long-term sick leave
so that's what I'm going to address it as I'm currently not studying because I can't
also
I'm going to call something
benefits, I'm not sure if that is the benefits that you might think of but here in Sweden if
you are
Sick
you can have a tiny bit of income based on your previous income and
You have to apply for it and then you have to wait a bit and then you have to discuss it with some
administrative people and
then you get a decision if you
Will get this
Amount of money each month as you are sick and
I am currently in the process of that and have been
For way longer than I'm supposed to so
yep, so long term sick long term sick leave is
what I'm on and I am currently applying and
Going through the process of receiving
benefits
Which you can apply for if you are long term sick
So mmm, let's see, what did I write
Yeah
the main thing why I am on
A sick leave. I'm just going to shorten it to be that, is a burnout. I
Have struggled with school
for a
very long time a
great number of years and
University especially was really hard for me and
Doctors wanted me to go on a sick leave for a couple of years
I refused and
I stayed in school. I
Wanted to finish my degree. It was very important to me to finish my degree and
I
Crashed really hard this summer
I've been on my way
To a major crash for quite some time and this summer it finally happened
so
I'm experiencing a burnout a proper burnout and
Let's see here
Yeah other things than
the actual burnout and things that contribute to the burnout is
When I was 18, I was diagnosed with autism or asperger's
Asperger's syndrome and I
Accepted the diagnosis very fast because the criteria was like checkbox checkbox checkbox
And it's like yep, this this is me. This sounds exactly like me this
yeah this I accept this diagnosis and
I've been accepting it and
My idea of it was that now I have a diagnosis now, I know what
Why I am the way I am
Part of it at least and now I can work on it
However, it's hard to know what to work on when you don't get any guidance and I haven't gotten that
So people just say routine, okay, but I am great at making schedules
I'm great at making lists. I am kind of good at keeping routine and
So, I don't need any I don't need any help with that
And I haven't yet figured out what exactly I need help with
and then doctors
Sort of my experience
they blamed all my other issues on my autism because now I had a diagnosis and they could say that oh you just
This is just the diagnosis. This is nothing else
I've had past experiences that I had made me be very anxious
So I have had a lot of panic attacks. I have a lot of anxiety and that is very draining. I
have OCD I am currently being medicated for for the OCD and
finally, we have found a medication that
Actually, I can notice a difference to the positive for me
That doesn't mean I don't still struggle with it a lot because I do
But it's better than it were before so
finally, I can see the use of me taking medication because finally the medication is helping and
Believe me. I've been trying different medications for different things since I was 18 and
Even a little bit before that
so I
Was struggling with seeing if medication is worth it or not
But now that I find one that actually impacts me in a positive way
Worth it. So worth it
What else am I doing here?
Yeah
One thing that I've expressed that I wanted to get help with but that
people has misunderstood me or blamed the autism on, is that I need help to manage stress and
I need help with my anxiety and
since my anxiety is
probably, this is my speculation and speculations of
professionals but not like explicitly said like this is the reason but speculations is
Events that happened when I was younger a lot of different events that happened when I was younger and I
have just rushed through those events and not
processed them which means that they are bubbling inside and
They
Pop up to the surface when you least expect it
I can be super super happy and enjoying myself and then I can just have a massive crash because of
Something maybe a sound maybe a smell maybe a noise
Or maybe just my brain decides that oh, yeah
I want to remind you of that because maybe now you can handle it and I can't
so
Currently I finally have met some professionals that
see
this the way that I do that not all of my anxiety is related to my autism and
I need to have help of working through stuff that has happened before and
I am now on a waiting list
The waiting list is usually about three months long
So I've just been put on a waiting list, so probably I won't have any meetings until March
I'm not expecting anything until March
So that's it that's that when it comes to dealing with my anxiety and
Hopefully that will be better
I've also had a lot of issues with insomnia
Since I was very young
about nine years old and
There has been extreme versions of that
like two to four hours average a night for years and
Very interrupted sleep patterns. So I
Don't sleep like two hours in a row or four hours in a row
I wake up and I struggle to fall asleep again
Which is something that I've been trying different medications for a long time
Although I don't think that medication is the right way for me personally. I
Am currently when I feel it's becoming really bad. I
Have medication on a prescription that I take for single night usage
Although I don't really want to take them because I they make me feel
Kind of really groggy on in the morning
But since I moved in with my partner
I've been sleeping a lot better
Not well enough for me to feel rested
No, but much better than I did before
So I'm happy with that. My sleeping is
Improving. It's still horrifically bad, but it's improving and that makes a lot of difference for me
Let's see
Where do we have?
Where am I in my notes?
Yeah, also because of the benefits thing I stopped working and
I worked, I studied this spring semester
of 2018 and then I started
working at a summer job, which I've been before and I really enjoy it and
I
Was there for six weeks and then I
Just I couldn't it was impossible. I just crashed so hard I
Have
a lot of school to catch up with and
I have still not done my
Bachelor's thesis
I'm I'm guessing it's called I
have like many things from three different big courses that I need to fix and
I'm currently not in a state of fixing those and
Then I need to write my bachelor thesis and then I will have my bachelor's so I can see it
But I can't do shit about it right now
But because of
Me not being allowed to work currently
Not being deemed to fit to work and stuff like that
I
Don't have an income and since I'm waiting on the benefits I
still don't have an income and
I'm really stressed out because of that financial stress is a big thing
My partner has been amazing and we are getting by
I had savings so I am lucky
but
It's been
hard it's been really really hard on me because I feel useless and
This is not me telling you that you should feel useless if you're in a similar position as me, but I feel
useless
Absolutely useless and I want to help and knowing that the benefits will
make it possible for me to contribute financially a bit more to our home and
That
is like a prospect that gives me happiness and
Making me feel a bit less useless, but as I'm currently not getting any benefits currently I
Feel like shit, yeah, I
also do feel really bad because what I can and cannot do at home because it's like
Okay, you're at home all day every day
Can't you do house chores?
I can.
Different days I have different abilities
Depending on a lot of different factors. I
Sometimes I can barely get up the bed and I can just take care of the dog and give her what she needs and I
Can't do anything about the household. Other days
I can do a major cleaning, vacuum everything, doing the dishes, making the bed
Wiping down every surface, the floor and just picking up everything and doing the laundry and everything and then I crash
but
my goal is
Taking care of the dog. So she is good and satisfied and
also having dinner
Ready when my partner gets home. That is the pressure that I'm putting myself and sometimes that pressure is too much
But I don't want to feel like a burden and my partner is not doing anything to make me feel like a burden
it's just me putting expectations on myself and
not
having the understanding that I have for other people in similar situations or I
Have a lot of better understanding for them than I have for myself
And that's apparently a very common thing. So
That's where I am right now, I don't think I have it in me to edit this video a lot and
Swedish subtitles for this might have to wait Swedish subtitles in general might have to wait on my videos currently
But I can guarantee you that my Swedish videos will always have English subtitles
And I was thinking making this in Swedish, but making English subtitles for this would be hell for me currently. I
Hope that I got everything that I wanted to say said, I hope that I came across clearly
And
Of course, this is my experience. I can only talk for myself and
Not for anyone else. So don't judge anyone based on what I have said and
Also, I am perfectly willing to take any questions that you might have and answer them
to the best of my capability
No questions are off limit
but however, I
Might not want to answer it
And if you want I can answer questions in the comments, or I can take questions and make them
Into a Q&A video as well
As I said ask anything you want, anything
You're curious about or want to know more about
Just know that I might not respond to it. However, I will not be offended by a question so ask away
Anything else? no
I think that was it for this video and
To try to I
was two sentences
away from finishing this video and then my phone rang and it was a phone call very much related to my benefits and
this video
but it is
Damn hard to explain so I'm not gonna do that here
because
Wow
but basically
I'm going to let this rest
when it comes to benefits, I'm going to let this rest until after New Year's when everyone is back on their job and
Then pick it back up and make sure everything goes the way
That is written in the damn rules
So, yeah, that's where I am
frustrated but finally taking, like letting out a breath and
Realizing that I can't do anything because everyone involved is going on vacation and holidays
So I
Can't do anything
because there is no one to answer the phone and I'm going to
even though I don't celebrate the holidays, I'm going to spend some time with people I care about and
Pick myself up and deal with the rest of this in the beginning of January and
I'm about to cry now because both of
Annoyance and relief but the person who called
really has my best interest in mind and
Is working really hard and I'm very thankful for that. So
Let's end this video
With thank you so much for watching. As I said previously ask any questions if you want
Hirka is in the other room. She has not abandoned me. She's in the other room and
Yeah, thank you so much for watching and
I hope to see you guys in another video, hopefully
pretty soon and
When my throat is not as bad
Bye
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