hello and welcome to feminine success secrets the place women come to become
powerfully feminine from the inside out I'm Candice Oneida and today I have a real
treat for you and a special guest dr. Gary Salyer and we're gonna talk about
rights in relationships I'll introduce you to him in a minute all right so on
screen right now we have Gary Salyer hello Gary hello Candice hello and big
big welcome to you I've been looking forward to interviewing you for quite a
while because you're an expert in relationships and I get so many
questions from my subscribers about relationships and about relationship
dynamics and I can answer them with regard to feminine polarity and how to
be more feminine etc and yet relationship is not my thing that I'm best at so I want
to talk to you about that so today we had a conversation over tea about two
weeks ago and he's writing a book by the way ladies so we're going to give you
access to the book when it's ready and I will give you access to him in the
description box after this interview so if you're interested in what he has to
say please contact him directly um so he start talking about what he calls rights
in relationships and I thought oh this is such a fantastic container to talk
about how to be feminine how to sort of stand for boundaries and rights in a
relationship dynamic but before we go there I want to introduce a little bit
more formally so let's just have a look at his bio so dr. Gary Salyer PhD is a
master transformational relationship coach who helps people rewrite the rules
for love in their brains this allows amazing shifts to happen in a very short
period of time so that people can have the extraordinary relationship that they
deserve dr. Salyer speaks to a national audience is a featured expert for the
great love debate and various celebrity TV and radio shows his life purpose is
to change a generations fate with love oh we can have a conversation about that
dr. Gary is the creator of the safe to love again
workshop and the extraordinary couples retreat he's the author of the
forthcoming book safe to love again how to release the pain of past
relationships and create the love you deserve dr. Gary offers a unique blend
of neuro linguistic programming NLP Burt Hellinger's family systems approach and
attachment theory the science of relationships great thank you
Gary well in fact I think we had a commonality when we sat down at a
transformational leaders retreat last year and we started talking about
attachment series and we I don't know if that piece has to do with the rights
piece but do you think we can just start a little bit about attachment theory
whether it be okay with you yeah because I knew my side of it I've done a lot of
research but you really explode an attachment theory do you want to just
describe a little bit what it is and then we can go in talking about right
yeah what it is is and actually the rights that's what my book is about
saying that the rights are intrinsic they're how your attachment attachment
style is what they call it is simply the the the way you were programmed to
habitually show up in relationships and you know it's attachment started back
right after World War two when children were clothed and fed and cared for but
if both of their parents had maybe been lost in the war many of them were still
dying and nobody could figure out why and then John Bowlby said they're dying
because of a lack of art well and that just totally messed with everybody in
psychology at the moment yeah yes and so what they found out was you can tell how
a child will show up for love and most other relationships by the time they are
one years old when they're one to one and a half if you separate from their
mother and based on how they returned you can tell whether they're securely
attached anxiously attached or avoidant lis attached and attached is just I call
it they call it attachment styles in the book I call it a love style that's
exactly what it is the secured baby comes back to the
mother and says oh my god I can calm down I'll go back out and
play and they calm down fairly early because they're certain mom's going to
be there right now then there's the avoiding baby that when
mom leaves it's like mom never left there and they don't and they continue
playing me and they look really mature but later down the line these babies
show up as they're afraid of commitment they're afraid of emotional closeness
they're the ones that come in and say on you know been gone on a Business Week
trip for a week and they go oh my god I can't wait to make love to you on Friday
night and on Saturday oh honey I've got a business meeting I got to get to it
the office and then the and the anxious of the ones that never calm down when
the mother comes they can't go back out and explore so when they show up later
it's like where were you it didn't text me within ten minutes when you are you
gonna stop loving me and they are always afraid of when love drives you no one
love goes away and they often drive people so let's just take a pause there
for a second because I can hear the reverberations of what you're saying
across the channel because I think the women listening to this are probably
going oh because I know I had this big aha when I learned to that attachment
theory created a huge revelation from me a huge epiphany because correct me if
I'm wrong please expert doctor but when I realized that my permanent primary
attachment was anxious I had literally I just went cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo
like every single relationship I had been in was with an avoidant and then it
kept me in the in the anxious thing all the time and so do you wanna speak just
a little bit more about that yes I will that is the that's the one thing
attachment theories figured out I call it the law of attachment from hell is
that the anxious are of are actually attracted to the avoidant and the reason
is is oftentimes the anxious had an intrusive mother or father who really
didn't give them a total right to create their own experience or they were just
intermittent but for us so what happens is that initial heat of distance looks
like oh my god it looks like salvation but it's just enough to drive
him nuts over over right the length of the relationship and then
it they sort of they're this dating and there's relationships too because what
would I've read a bit of Stan catkins staff and a bunch of the attachment
books and one of the things that really struck me about it was what it does is
it creates a lens through which you see people especially when you're meeting
people like when you're dating them you is so used to the the the nervous system
thing in a certain way whether avoidant anxious or secure that that's what you
go for so classically correct me from wrong again and anxious will sort of
have this big attraction thing this big sexual charge this big gotta have this
guy because drama and the anxiety and of course then they'll come together in
this fantastic sexual dynamic and then he will disappear he's lovely and then
she's going what ever done wrong what happened
where'd he go and it becomes desperate charge to have them back again to have
that it's literally like a drug it drug addiction
they'll get addicted by the sexual charge again they'll seem fulfilled but
they're never ever sinking down into a secure feeling inside themselves they
never confident that that person is gonna be there for them in the long run
bring the shoulder yes well III can explain that my own way but
for what I look at is between zero and three underneath every attachment style
are these six rights that I talked about between zero and three your brain is
given rights and rights are just they're like templates they're like permission
slips to have a certain experience and if your brain was not given a certain
permission slip you will only have the experience that you have the rights for
so if you don't have the right to have your knees have a secure relationship
that's right have your needs met cuz you don't see such cues as a viable option
or again from what I've read and experientially face
boring to you at first yes they do because your dopamine rush God got it
you got hitch too I'm missing right that's where the bug
done so the brain begins to associate attraction with somebody that doesn't
that won't so if you had didn't have a right head your needs met you'll
constantly be you know attracted to a taker if you didn't get a whole lot of
right to belong and you had a whole lot of right to separate that avoiding is
going to look oh that's a survivable state that's my right he's not gonna
really let me belong though dopamine comes in but then later the human Bart
goes I am so friggin sick and tired of this and that's where the misery starts
because some part of our brain that says oh I don't have a I don't have a full
right to belong therefore I can't go for the secure when they look boring goes
for the one that will actually not allow them to belong it's funny as you're
speaking to it in the light of the attachment theory in your own your own
model you've created own a tram rights it literally to me feels like um like a
synapse you know so you know you walk into any sort of relationship dynamic
and if it's this shape and this is this shape then you just slot in and that's
all you know like an enzyme and enzymes slots into the thing that it's supposed
to help digest and it literally doesn't recognize the other thing it doesn't see
it it literally doesn't see it like I literally see like it's a blinker this
kind of thing you either see it or you don't see it exactly ah and these the
most people when they when they first hear they oh my god like a fight some
like some women way say some men too like I'm afraid of losing myself for the
relationship have you ever heard that's an avoidant
thing to say right yes yeah or it can be anxious if they've gotten if they've
gotten they can have a little bit of an anxious person can get a little avoidant
greater later in life if they've lost themselves too early too many times I
should say right so if they got no right to create their own experience people
are prone to lose themselves and then after when they get
35 40 or 45 the pattern itself they'll get just enough aware of it that they
don't know what to do with it and they know they're anxious but then they're
afraid of the anxiousness and that makes sense again talking to a person that was
primarily anxious but I know what happened for me was I got to a point
about you I think you know I learned the attachment theory then I had all these
sort of profound epiphanies subsequent to that and then I kept going updating
and yet it was so strong in my system and I kept repeating the same patterns
until something in me something in me just went this has to stop like
something in me went the way I'm turning up the way my expectations are turning
out when I'm you know despite 20-something years of transformational
work it suddenly everything went sideways in relationship and dating
dynamics and that's something when I have to stop so took myself out of the
dating pool which I called the dating swath at the time and then something
just changed inside because I've known for a couple of years at this point that
I am looking and wanting we really want a secure relationship experience I want
my nervous system to be calm I want myself to feel safe and held I want mine
beat self to be honored and valued and of course as I'm saying this clearly as
I held this I was doing it in myself first somehow something in me when I
will not accept this right yes this is what I need and this is what I want so
there was a certain amount of doing that inside myself first such that when I
reinterred the dating world I literally my lens changed I could see
immediately when up that's an attraction energy that's that dynamic that I know
is going nowhere or I had another filter which is should this person be my that
should I be their therapist or should I be a partner this was not a this was not
a gonna be a dating snoring that was going to continue but then I literally
just started turning up in my world in my
just totally like if this person wants or knows how to be in his masculine
I'm completely showing up in my feminine I'm completely showing up and holding in
myself what I want what I want with this secure safe you know not anxiety really
see let me tell you something that I thought is a belief to anybody that
might be thinking is I'm really good at picking up the elephants in the space
from the conversation here my belief was I was going to end up in a boring sexual
dynamic mm-hmm if I had a secure partner yes that was my belief okay in my
current situation six months into an incredibly secure solid beautiful
relationship with an incredibly masculine man is the sex is off the
charts in a very different kind of way like it develops to a type of depth that
I had never experienced before and really I didn't have any problem with my
sexuality before and it's totally different when you actually when your
nervous system isn't on high alert all the time you can actually open and
there's a woman with her sexuality she needs to actually feel safe to go to
that level of depth beyond what you've even thought you'd be able to ya know so
you were somewhere along the line your soul said I'm gonna learn some of my
lessons and somewhere along there's you you be claimed what I mean out that's
you know what it sounded like is what one of the rights is a right to love and
be loved and one it can get split I couldn't I have a right to love and not
be loved or I would like to be loving that love the other way gets split is is
you can't have sex and great love hot sex and great love in the same package
right this is where you here and let's say how come the hot ones and the good
ones can't be in the same package by somewhere along the line have a flame
that with that right yes and then the the the BS stops effect you know Heidi's
fine a secure attachment in the book the scientific way how is the scientific
definition I got it from 82 when I asked her which what's your
secret to a 55 year marriage and she goes I take no BS I give no BS and the
secur don't take BS therefore they don't give it and when they don't get it
they don't take it from the other because they've given it yes yes very
little and that's see that's what's happening all the BS and now you're just
with the juicy good stuff and it's beautiful that when your nervous system
comes down then you can open up to that very beautiful feminine essence that you
just radiate Candice and it is a place now that's why they call it secure
people say well I want passionate but no one is passionate with a rattlesnake in
fact a woman can't even for a woman to have an orgasm her amygdala has to be
totally dark on a functional MRI it can't be run at all that's not
necessarily the same for men for a woman to come to full orgasm her amygdala hurt
past the turned off so she feels totally safe so anybody that thinks safe and
passionate aren't the Saints I can't aren't related they're wrong the
platform for each other yeah and in my world the way I train my women is look
you can have masculine style fast hot sex that sometimes can lead to orgasm
but my position through my experience and through how I train my women is yeah
that can happen but you are missing out on this massive world of experience of
the female sexual experience that is so much deeper so much more satisfying so
much more nourishing to both you and your partner exam because our world and
you know this has been very heavily trained that sex is sort of through the
masculine lens yes thing you know one of my B propositions is we need to regain
and re own our sexual energy and our the way we plug in as a woman on our
sexuality and we actually need to prioritize it yes yeah we need to
literally see that our our sexuality is actually more important than the
you know why I can say that because the man's gonna have an orgasm anyway most
of the time okay it's it's easier for a man they've got a direct line than where
they orgasm the female orgasm is way more curvy and mysterious it goes up and
it seems to disappear and then it reappears and there's a whole learning
of how to be okay with that in yourself first and when you're really okay with
that in yourself first then you've got a massive gift to give yourself in others
not just through sex but through the way that you actually fill up energetically
you become really full what I call full to overflowing
there is women then you can serve from this full to overflowing orientation
where you've got an infinite source infinite font of energy inside you not
that belief system that we usually have as women which is I need to give to
everybody else first then I'll get around to myself which of course never
happens because they're exhausted and you know oh I love what you're saying
and I think I actually believe that women can teach men quite a bit about
what the the sexual moment the sexual experience really is we do get kind of
focused on the big moment right but there you know if a man can really get
in touch with the world woman is offering she's taking him not just into
her body but into her soul and if a man can truly grasp the magnitude of the
moment when you're six inches from their eyes and you realize you are one with
this person exactly beautiful where your souls are one I mean that I think that I
mean it just makes everything so much better it really does why can't we have
that as part of our masculine birthright - absolutely and I think the thing is in
a way the goal orientation of the world that we're in has led to the goal
orientation of orgasm in sex yes and the truth is for a woman and I had to do
this for a little bit with my current partner I really had to say
I am not heading toward orgasm now I thought that hard for me to get there
but my point was I am feeling every single stroke every single touch every
single moment yes and when you learn how to be really present with every single
second of the sexual dynamic then it's actually the actual experience of orgasm
when it comes is way better and away deeper right so if both of you are
heated to the orgasm wagon anyway we've totally don't dressed in the sex we'd
have to have another interview on that one we're gonna get back to rights well
you know that is what are the rights it really is I once had a client that she
could not have hot sex with her husband she swore she was it's not him I just
can't allow myself to go into orgasm what it turned out was when she was a
kid her her mother was jealous of the relationship that she had with her
father and every time and every time her father and her would have a good time
she would say did you enjoy your daddy today Oh imagine how that is lady
oh yes so she the toplane she got that splitter right was I can't enjoy the
love of a man and then when she got older that that little template you
can't enjoy of a man that loves you what do you think you did to her sex life so
when we worked at it you know through suddenly you know he comes in a few
hours a few sessions lasers what did you do to my wife who's kind of a good you
know he says I like this work and keeping you on a retainer what you did
so the rights are just templates we have give us some more example scary cuz it
helps I think when you give some examples of clients that have come into
you mum to illustrate this rights point okay okay so there are sex rights that
you get between 0 and T and these become templates for not only love but for all
of your life I the third chapter the book is called
love is the operating system and you'd be surprised how they show up in
business as well but every woman client that's an entrepreneur has had the same
missing thing going on in their business that was going on their love affair but
the six rights are our right to exist and that writers this is a right to be
fully in the body fully present in the moment and not into your head not trying
to take a flight from life cause you weren't welcomed with joy into the world
mmm the second one is the right to have your needs met which okay to reach out
for your needs without getting this latter and to be able to take to give
and take to receive mmm so you know so the it's the right to feel worthy and
nourished then there's the right what I call this separate in belong it again
split you either get too much right to be me or too much right to get in a way
where you feel a mess though and this is the right that affects most couples hmm
but you need a week and it's the right to be a mean and an empowering week the
right to separate and belong cherished and protected is the feeling you get
then there's two rights on a like on that give you the feeling of empowered
or choice the right to create your own experience where I can be cool and
wonderful and great but I can also be flawed so you can be flawed and fabulous
and then the right to assert a choice and voice and then the right to love and
be loved and that gives you the feeling of lovable so the way you can sense
these missing rights is to ask yourself in my relationship most of my
relationships huh do I feel welcomed with joy
do I feel worthy and urged do I feel cherished and protected and empowered
with choice if you're in a relation one of those is missing is probably missing
right underneath it but you probably think oh gosh man this isn't the
greatest relationship maybe we need to work on something this is so totally
speaking to something that I I saw in myself from my own dating forays and how
I see again and again with women is this thing that happens usually unconsciously
and then sometimes it becomes conscious which is this compromise thing and they
did allude to it before which is but he's so great
this this and this but this isn't lookin but I'm gonna accept him because these
are okay and you're actually you're actually turning it around to not even
being about him that it's like the rights have to be owned in yourself
first you have to fear this sense of fullness and fulfillment in all the six
is it right six rights six lanes right and then it actually creates a dynamic
where you're either gonna attract a person that goes out yeah she's she's
I'm all this because she's full in all those things it's this weird thing of
when we're actually full in our own rights we don't need somebody else but
we can want to have somebody else in our life that creates this third entity to
talk me about the relationship he's great on paper but when it comes to this
it's not working yes the reason people will say it's great on paper but if this
is not work because they have a missing right this is what I argue in my book is
it's great to know you're anxious secure or you're avoiding great five bucks and
a that will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks but if you can put it
underneath each on avoiding or an anxious attachments this is a set of
missing rights so the secured have pretty much all six running so if you
don't if he's the moment you reclaim all of your rights you stop giving and
taking be us and that exception Clause goes away and you start being attracted
and you start creating better relationships secure relationships the
reason people say well it looks all great on paper but now I'll put up with
this is because that's the one thing they don't have the right for the moment
they have a right for a woman a man says you know what I deserve the full package
and I deserve to give the full package a secure attachment it's not just taking
but giving and that's when you stop being attracted to mister wrong and when
I say you start being attracted to mr. rights the man for who reflects back to
you all of your rights yes yes you're looking for not mr. right but mister
rights
and so I'm taking it that the book is gonna obviously it expands on the six
rights mne by by the way you're writing it
you're gonna be actually helping the individual to see where their what I
would call a blind spot is oh yeah to their own rights right so one of the
main things that I work with the women is you know beliefs blocks and blind
spots right which by definition we can't see on our own so we either need
coaching or mentorship or community to reflect that back to us that you do have
the right for them to this but you're giving a language and you have a model
so I love models and I love having a language so you're actually going well
if these are the six rights and I'm gonna eliminate what they are and you're
honest with yourself you're gonna see that one or two of these or something
that you really don't believe that you have Thanks exactly and I also it's
written for both singles and couples they told me not to write the book like
this but I did it anyway because I think it's just the way it is because the
point is you know after five dates singles when they start pairing off
their couples every couple fight I've ever seen is about two missing rights
one chooses the other one for that missing rights because that's all they
have the right for the other one does the same thing and now they're arguing
incessantly over the missing rice underneath the problem is hey I don't
have a right to have my needs met or you don't give me a right to assert and they
go on and on like this that's very powerful and I'll show you two missing
rights that's very very powerful well oh my dear I think we could go on about
different directions here and perhaps we can actually do that in a different
interview because I wanted to create this as an introduction so what we
spoken about today is largely we talked a little bit about attachment theory and
then dr. Gary Sawyer's sort of extension on this which is rights which is really
plugs into attachment theory this is why someone's avoidant or anxious and this
is why someone's secure right exam so you've actually you expanded a little
bit and giving a lens through which to see why things might not be going so
well for you in your relation ship currently or in your dating
situation so we gonna ah wait with bated breath as we say in the
Anglo world anglo-australian world for the book to come out is there anything
else that you would like to pass to them with regard to the rights and the
upcoming book whilst we're finishing up here today doing okay well the one thing
I want to say is to give hope some people oh no I got missing right you
know they're my favorite thing I ever learned from NLP is that there are no
one resourceful people there are only on resourceful States all these missing
rights are just States they're not you they're just a learn pattern up template
of permission slips and if we can upgrade the permission slips or upgrade
the template then things go better this is all adjustable so just I want
everybody to know that now if you know the book is coming out by next fall it's
coming out I'm just doing the final editing and but I'm doing a preview
video preview on my website if you sign up for the love notes I just finished
the there's like there's a there's also from other people like John Gray and
Ariel Ford but there are thirty yet people people are getting these their
lift three or four minute clips where I talk about the rights and the skill sets
that come from the rights and you get these really cool two and three minutes
video clips for oh it's a good number I can't remember about sixty of them and
they come over about three months and you get a beautiful hit off inside and
hope and skills and expertise from me and a bunch of other people that know
what they're talking to well Gary that's beautiful thank you for
offering that to my community that's very generous of you ah well this has
been a delight tonight and I get a little bit of a sense it might just be a
little intro into what we could do here on the channel I think you're offering
something beautiful as you know when you create a model and a language for people
to understand themselves better as you were just portraying then they can
actually step into who they really are and this is one of the main things that
I position in my work which is the difference for the false feminine and
the true feminine and I'm hearing that a woman who is in a truth
he's full of her rights so we definitely have this you know a segue they in now
work together so I just wanted to thank you very very dearly for turning up
today and Thank You Candace I I think you have such a beautiful spirit and all
of what you're doing with women in their female empowerment and the feminine is
really so necessary for where we're all at today and I want to thank you for
inviting me on your beautiful show and be able to baskin what really you really
have a beautiful spirit thank you thank you
mm-hmm beautiful love I'll do it again
so what I'd love you to do following listening to the interview with dr. Gary
saw yesterday is put a comment below on which one of those rights now I'm gonna
put in the description of what the six rights are which one of those rights you
believe you have and which ones you believe you don't have at this point and
so as we finish up here as I always say in my outro here remember that when you
have the courage to shine you give others permission to do the same so
let's all go out there and shine this week bye bye for now
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