(big band music) (audience cheering)
- Hey, what a crowd, what a crowd.
You're alright, there, I'm telling ya.
(audience drowns out speaking)
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Nah, I tell ya, I'm alright now,
but last week I was in rough shape, you know?
(audience laughing)
I mean last week my wife, she signed me up
for a bridge club, I jump off next Tuesday.
(audience laughing)
I mean, last week was rough, are you kidding?
Last week I looked up my family tree,
two dogs were using it.
(audience laughing)
I tell ya, I can't relax, you know?
Like the other night I was in a place
I felt like having a few drinks.
I went over to the bartender, I said, surprise me.
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
(audience laughing)
Are you kidding?
My wife is always something.
Her father just died, she had his body frozen.
Every time I take a snack he falls out of the refrigerator.
(audience laughing)
I mean, and my wife can't do nothin' right.
Well last week she cracked up the car,
she went into a tree.
She said it wasn't her fault, she blew the horn.
(audience laughing)
Boy, what a driver she is.
Over the dashboard there's a pair of shoes hanging,
they belong to the last guy she hit.
(audience laughing)
Are you kidding?
Oh, one night she went out, some guy stole the car.
I said to her, did you see what he looked like?
She told me she got the license plate number.
(audience laughing)
I don't know.
And I'll tell you, with me nothing comes easy.
Last week I went to the track,
they shot off the opening gun, they killed my horse.
(audience laughing)
Are you kidding?
Last week I got stuck too.
I bought a new book, 100 Ways to Make Love.
I ended up in traction, it was a misprint.
(audience laughing)
Are you kiddin'?
I never had any luck with girls anyway.
I know I'm ugly.
I went to a freak show they let me in for nothin'.
(audience laughing)
My wife, she don't go for me either.
When she gave birth I asked her if I
should be in the room with her, she said, what for?
When I got pregnant you weren't in the room with me.
(audience laughing)
I tell ya, since I was a kid
women always gave me a hard time.
My mother never breast fed me.
She told me she liked me as a friend.
(audience laughing)
I mean, are you kiddin'?
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
(audience laughing)
I tell ya, when I was a kid I got no respect at all.
You kidding?
No respect from anybody, anybody, are you kiddin'?
The time I was lost on the beach
and a cop helped me look for my parents.
I said to the cop, do you think we'll find 'em?
He said, I don't know kid,
there's so many places they could hide.
(audience laughing)
My old man, he didn't help either.
The time I was kidnapped
they sent back a piece of my finger.
He said he wanted more proof.
(audience laughing)
When I was a kid I went through plenty.
With my uncle's dying wish he wanted me on his lap.
He was in the electric chair.
(audience laughing)
Ah, it's the same thing today, no respect.
Last week I was gonna jump out my window,
they called a priest to talk to me.
He said, on your mark!
(audience laughing and cheering)
(big band music)
Thank you very much.
- Listen to them.
- Geez, I always have a good time out here.
- You know, one of these days you're gonna get respect
and your livelihood is over, you know that.
- Oh yeah? - Listen to them.
- It's really nice.
Great crowd here, it's really nice.
How you been, Johnny, you okay?
- I'm fine, Rodney, good to see you again.
- Good, nice seeing you, always have a good time out here.
It's nice to see you.
Ed, how are ya?
- [Ed] Good.
- Well, what's new in your life?
- What's new in my life?
I don't know, nothing new.
Just tryin' to keep busy, that's all.
Workin' around, you know, tryin' to keep busy.
(Clearing throat) Pardon me.
- [Johnny] Sure, it's alright.
- Nothing, emphysema.
(audience laughing)
No, I'll be back in New York, you know, tomorrow night.
(audience cheering)
New Yorkers here (speaking drowned out by audience).
- [Johnny] At your club?
- I'll be at the club, yeah.
I'll be there Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, at the club.
Working there at Dangerfield's.
Then I'll be, I'm going up to New England-way.
Next Tuesday, yes, New England-way.
I'll be in Cohasset, ever hear of that one?
Yeah, that's right outside of Boston there, pardon me.
And I'll be there in August.
(laughing)
It coulda been worse, I know.
(laughing)
I'll be up there August 7th through 11th
at the South Shore Music Circus, very fascinating.
You're gonna be up that way too, aren't you?
- I'm gonna play Framingham, actually.
- Yeah, at the Chateau de Ville, that's nice.
You'll like it up there, nice people up there, Johnny.
In fact, I have a friend of mine get in touch
with you up there, he's a good guy.
A good guy to know, he runs an all night crap game,
he's really a...
- [Johnny] Oh.
- Hello?
(audience laughing)
You gotta break 'em in, you know that.
- [Johnny] You can.
Take 'em on the road, try 'em out.
Can't bring 'em on the big time.
- I'm gonna be in a place I've never
been before in my life, Minnesota.
- [Johnny] Minnesota?
- Minnesota. - That's beautiful.
- Bloomington, Bloomington, Minnesota.
- [Johnny] Land of a thousand lakes.
- That's right, a lot of lakes over there.
- [Johnny] A thousand!
- A thousand lakes over there.
(laughing)
And I'll be at the Carlton Celebrity Club.
- Carlton Celebrity Club.
- In Bloomington, Minnesota.
This place is so far out in the woods
my act's gonna be reviewed in Field & Stream.
(audience laughing)
I'll be out there.
- And the manager of the club is a bear.
- (mumbling) bear, remember that joke?
- Yeah sure, I remember them all.
- Ah yeah, I'll be out there.
But I keep, show business is rough though,
you know that, Johnny.
- Is it really? - Sure.
It's rough.
That why it's just a hobby with me.
I make my money at my regular job.
I sing the national anthem at cock fights, you know.
(audience laughing)
- It all helps.
- It's a rough business, you know that.
Last week my fan club broke up, the guy died.
(audience laughing)
You meet all kinds of people.
Met a guy in Vegas last week, I was working there.
A wild guy from Texas, you know.
Yeah, he has a big ranch down there.
He told me at his ranch he has sixty hands working there.
All on him.
Ooh, he's a wild guy.
(audience laughing)
- [Johnny] It's the gay ranchero, I guess.
- That's right.
You're alright, you know that?
- Well, thank you, yeah.
It's a living, I show up.
(speaking drowned out by audience)
I've got nothing planned.
- Yeah, but sometimes I meet people
they act too classy, you know what I mean?
Like a lot of women sometimes act so classy.
A woman has to go to the bathroom,
she never says, I have to go to the bathroom,
she says, I'm gonna powder my nose.
I mean, if that's where her nose is
she's in a lot of trouble, you know.
(audience laughing)
- Lot of strange people out there.
- Yeah, strange people.
I met a guy last week with a problem, though.
- Strange guy?
- Yeah, he told me he had an affair
with a girl three months ago.
He's going nuts, he didn't know what to do.
He told me what happened was the rabbit didn't die,
it just stays in critical condition, you know.
But everybody has problems.
In fact, I was talkin' to my brother
the other day, you know?
Actually, I said my brother, he's my half-brother.
Yeah, we have the same parents,
he's just that way, you know?
- [Johnny] I see.
(audience laughing)
- And it's wild having a brother who's gay,
I'll tell ya that.
I always kid him, I tell him in the family tree,
he's in the (beeping) section, you know?
(audience laughing)
- You're cruel, cruel, cruel to your brother.
- Nah, everybody has problems, Johnny, you kiddin'?
Me too, my marriage is on the rocks again, you know.
My wife broke up with her boyfriend.
(audience laughing)
No, my marriage has always been shaky, always shaky.
The day I got married, that was a beauty.
Everybody was crying there.
During the ceremony, her mother cried.
All the way to the hotel, my wife cried.
She got undressed, I cried.
(audience laughing)
- Health is important, though.
- We'll get to that.
- We'll get to health in a moment.
(audience laughing)
- I got enough problems without my health.
I got enough problems with my health (mumbling).
- [Johnny] What are some of your other problems?
- Oh, my kid, forget it, will ya?
My kid's gettin' worse, you know?
I don't talk to my kid.
Oh, he's a mean kid.
He put crazy glue in my Preparation H.
(audience laughing)
My daughter, she's no bargain either, you know.
In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
(audience laughing)
- [Johnny] You have a weird family.
- But kids, they gotta watch out for drugs, though.
Ooh, I'll tell ya, very bad with drugs.
So many kids are using cocaine,
cocaine is very big, you know.
I mean, kids today, they don't wanna read about Snow White,
they wanna shove it up their nose!
(audience laughing)
It's always something, new generation.
My dog too, she gives me trouble.
- [Johnny] Your dog?
- Yeah, yeah, I got a female dog, you know.
I tried to mate her, she wants 50 biscuits.
(audience laughing)
There's all kinds of problems, you kidding?
You know that.
You're alright.
- Female's a female no matter what the species, right?
- Every day there's something, Johnny, you know?
Today's been a terrible day, terrible day.
- [Johnny] What happened today?
- I got up this morning and did my pushups in the nude.
I didn't see the mousetrap.
(audience laughing)
Man, I can't take the pressure, Johnny,
it's bad for my health.
- [Johnny] How is your health?
- Now it's time for health!
- You been to your doctor lately?
- My friend Dr. Vinnie Boombatz.
- [Johnny] Yeah, that's the one.
- He said my health is bad, very bad.
Are you kiddin'?
Very bad.
I'm not a kid anymore, I'm getting old.
I know I'm gettin' old.
On my last birthday, cake looked like a prairie fire.
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
You know how it is.
I know I'm gettin' old.
At my age, I want two girls at once, you know.
Yeah, if I fall asleep they got each other to talk to.
(audience laughing)
What's new with you?
(audience laughing)
(Johnny laughing)
- I assume you're through?
(Johnny laughing)
- Whatever you wanna do, whatever you wanna do.
It's alright.
- We'll be back in a minute.
(audience applauding)
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