it drives me crazy when you're in a conversation with someone and you could
tell they're not paying attention to a thing you're saying they're just
thinking of the next thing they're gonna say my mother she likes to accuse people
of taking things when she just lost them it drives me crazy when my husband
doesn't understand that I have a very short attention span my aunt Vicki
constantly thinks that she has the worst life ever I personally can't think of
anything because I think if there was something that really drive me nuts
about the person I wouldn't be friends with them
welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive
well maybe you can relate to that we all seem to have one or two or maybe more
challenging people in our lives and dealing with them can really just
increase your blood pressure and upset your schedule even ruin your day but
don't despair today I'm focus on the family we're
gonna help you explore some ways to manage those relationships better and
we're gonna help you find peace in the midst of chaos John I don't know about
you I struggled to think of somebody that really sets me off that drives me
crazy you know they're there but I tend to have such a low-key approach to some
things I just kind of move out of the way and then it kind of goes away from
me I don't know that that's the healthiest way to approach it I know for
you you know folks often talk about the holidays and that crazy relative that's
coming and man that person drives me nuts
and we get that and actually we want to talk about that today in order to equip
you and to do a better job understanding how to live and work and deal with folks
that push your buttons yeah this is the time of year when we often rub shoulders
with people we don't see a lot and we get together and there can be some
friction well you know right there in Romans 12:18 it says if possible so far
as it depends on you I love that you know live peaceably with all and as
Christians we are told to love one another and that sometimes is really
hard I mean even to love our enemies that kind of service and sacrifice only
comes from an indwelling of the Holy Spirit and that's what we want to try to
do today is can I open those floodgates for the Lord to work through you well
our guest is dr. Mike Bechtel and he's an author a speaker a corporate
consultant and a ministry coach he was with us earlier this year offering
advice to wives about better understanding their husbands it was a
great conversation today we'll hear more about his book people can't drive you
crazy if you don't give them the keys Mike welcome back to Focus on the Family
oh thanks it's always approval okay where'd you get it where'd you come up
with that one I have no I appeared on the page I thought that's
not bad we can die all identify with it okay but when you crack the pages open I
love the story you shared there and of course we're talking about you know
people that drive us crazy when we talk about crazy people but you talk about a
tuba I thought that I'm gonna use that tonight with my boys my teenage boys
because I think this is a great framing tool and for all the all the folks who
play tuba or a player in their home this isn't intended for you but the tuba kind
of overwhelms everybody that's the point and you applied that in this word
picture well I think it's true with an orchestra we love hearing an orchestra
because there's so many different instruments that come together and when
they blend their sound you get a sound you can't in any other way it's the
uniqueness of the instruments together but if you have the tuba in the middle
of a concert it goes off and does his own thing it kind of changes the whole
dynamic you can't really hear the violin you can't hear the plude you can't hear
the violin and you don't know what to do with the two boats like tubas gone wild
where do we go with this so when you apply that are you talking the tuba
represents those people in our lives that are just off key and just
overwhelming the whole room well yeah you're not sure what to do with them and
a lot of times it's because they're family there's a lot of people in our
lives then do that but especially around the holidays we do see people we don't
see all the time sometimes it's family members and they can change the whole
dynamic when they come in and you've got a tuba player well let's play it safe
let's end with family the discussion today let's start we'll talk about
strangers first the outer ring you had a story in your book that was hilarious
about an airport observation somebody that wasn't getting the service they
felt they deserved tell us what happened there well it's goes back to the whole
idea of what you can control what you can't control and when you can there's
things you can't control like the stock market like late delayed flights and
that's what happened here mechanical problems exactly and we can get really
upset even though we can't do anything about it
it was years ago I was sitting in the gate area and the flight was delayed and
this man was at the counter and he was just berating at the top of his lungs he
was yelling at the gate agent and he must have special privileges and
he was going after it was pretty embarrassing for everybody and finally
he just said Do You Know Who I am and then he repeated it do you know who I am
and so she got on the microphone very calmly and just said ladies and
gentlemen we have someone at the counter who doesn't know who he is
recognize him please come up and let us know I hope she got a raise or a bonus
or something she's got a big round of applause everybody
oh really yeah I just think that's a funny way to handle it what did he do
were you observing this would when she said that what was his reaction he just
turned around and I think it was a little sheepish because he had been
caught he was so angry and when everybody started applauding he was the
center of attention and he just sort of disappeared well let me let me go there
because what creates in us that specialness that we feel we need to be
treated differently than everybody else don't you know who I am Mike come on
well I think we all have a certain comfort zone I call it a setpoint it's
kind of like a thermostat something where nobody's bugging us and they're
not messing with our lives and we feel comfortable and that's where we like to
be and when somebody comes in and messes with our lives it takes us away from the
set point it's like changing the thermostat we want to keep it a certain
way because we're comfortable and then they come in and they change a
thermostat for us and we feel like wait no this is about me yeah and we tend to
focus on what all the other people are doing and in some way we feel a little
untitled because they're messing with us why are they driving me crazy yeah you
know I'm just as you're saying this it's interesting that Jesus of course who is
our model for those of us who claim faith in Christ he had every opportunity
to say hey don't you know who I am yeah in front of Pontius Pilate that was
there any of the rulers of the day and our wonderful leader the son of God
never chose to approach a person that way yeah how can we do any different
right it's so interesting because he is our model for that and he didn't go
around trying to fix people he got involved with people and took him where
they needed to go everything every situation was different why that is so
good explain this quote from your book you
said we love to watch crazy people as long as
we don't have to interact with them personally and again when we talk about
crazy people we're talking about those that are just driving us crazy well it's
kind of like being on vacation you don't come home from vacation and tell stories
about reading the newspaper on the lanai and Hawaii you talk about the storms and
the close calls that you had we love drama when it's past tense and when it's
third-person and with these types of events to be able to to watch other
people that's why we do it on TV there's always a villain or there's somebody in
the reality shows you're thinking they are just crazy and we like watching it
from the security of our living room with our Cheetos to actually be there
and have that conversation how do you confront somebody like that it's
uncomfortable it really is you had an experience with your son that I thought
was really insightful you're in I think trying on ski goggles yeah yeah describe
what happened there in terms of our ability to understand reality well I
think we tend to see things through our own lenses and we assume that we're
right because that's what we see I mean if I really believe that I'm right do I
want your opinion and so we went in the sporting goods store my son was probably
about ten and we tried on ski goggles I tried on a pair that had blue lenses he
tried on a pair that had red lenses and I saw a jacket hanging across the room
and I said Tim what color is that jacket and he said well it's blue I said no
it's red and he looked at me like I lost my mind he said it is not it's blue and
I said no it's red and we went back and forth I couldn't convince him because he
was seeing one color I was seeing the other color it's what we saw so we
assumed were right we took off our lenses and the jacket was white so we
didn't see the jacket the way it was we saw it through our perspective sure yeah
it's a great simple illustration of how to do that make it more complicated
though in our personal experiences that way how do we create lenses that give us
a false impression of what's real you know I think we look at what other
people do and we see their behaviors and we think if I was doing what they're
doing this would be my motive this is what I was thinking so we assume that
they're thinking the same thing yeah we project though our
on them when they may be thinking something totally different in fact they
usually are to be able to approach that and look at them from their from their
lenses knowing they're thinking differently so we can't make those
assumptions we need to explore and actually talk to them in fact you
mentioned in the book a relational coworker that had a relationship problem
with just about everybody she came into contact with and that probably is one of
the most practical illustrations you can provide all of us what happened in that
case well I remember there's several of us were talking about this one co-worker
and it was starting to get down to the point of gossip and it was someone who
was arrogant someone who was narcissistic and just seemed to have it
in for everyone everyone looked at her behavior and then one of the women in
the group said I wonder what happened he said what do you mean she says that's
not normal behavior it's not a normal way of relating something had to have
happened to her when she was growing up just her environment or whatever that
has caused her to handle life this way and it really threw us all back a little
bit and thought okay we all are a product of everything that's happened to
us in the past the choices we've made the things we've learned and we don't
know why someone has the behavior that they do but there are reasons that got
them there hmm Mike in fact we struggle at times to apply Scripture to our
modern-day lives you know we think these are ancient people living with ancient
customs but this area of how we interrelate with one another how human
beings treat each other is as relevant today as it was two thousand four
thousand years ago when the Scriptures are being written right what are some of
those applications of Scripture the bible does give us practical advice for
everyday living and that's why we can take verses especially out of the
Proverbs things like proverbs 18 7 that talks about hearing both sides one side
sounds good until you hear the other perspective and to be able to not assume
that we know what somebody's thinking proverbs 10:19 about talking less and
listening more somebody said God gave us two ears in one mouth for a reason
thinking before you respond proverbs 18:28 and then just being careful with
what we say proverbs 21 23 I like this from proverbs 10:19 I mean
just think of this all of you listening think of this and how it applies to your
life when words are mini transgression is not lacking but whoever restrains his
lips is prudent let's say a you know maybe the language seems antiquated but
that's a way of saying sometimes the wisest person that were in the room is
the one who's talking the least it's so true it's true well I think that there's
and I don't have the verse in front of me I think it's in Proverbs 24 that we
thought about putting on our guest room wall it says something like don't stay
too long in your neighbor's house lest they grow to hate you that would be a
great plaque on the wall when people stay with you every neighbors understand
that exactly Philippians 2:4 is another one and again this is applying it to
your everyday life it says there let each of you look not only to his own
interests which we all do but also to the interests of others I mean that's
the directly applying to what you're talking about I think that's kind of a
key to the whole thing is that it's so easy to look at everything through our
lenses through our perspective and saying why are these people not doing it
the way they should and really one of the most important things we can do from
all these verses is to stop and listen yeah and just to look through their
lenses not to agree with them just to understand well I'm like that friend
that co-worker that pulled you all back for a moment to say something must have
happened to this person because they're behaving oddly there's got to be some
damage emotionally that was done that drives him or her in that direction that
perception that you talk about versus reality I find it intriguing like that
when Jesus was in front of Pontius Pilate and I'd mentioned this many times
for the faithful listeners you're gonna hear it again but I'm intrigued by the
fact that when Pontius Pilate was pushing Jesus to answer his questions
particularly in the in the gospel account of John that's where the most
robust areas Jesus responds to say I've come to testify to the truth you know if
you think about it as a faithful follower of Christ what would you expect
him who have said I came to testify to
righteousness that's one I came to testify to his grace that'd be another
but jesus said I came to testify to the truth cuz that covers it all doesn't so
good and it is good because it's a great illustration for us we need to know the
truth as best as we can even in our human foibles right way it happens
anytime we have what we call crazy people in our lives that we're basing it
on our assumptions our expectations but not truth and the way to deal with all
of this is to go to truth and Mike the title so aptly describes this next
question you know if you don't give people the keys to your emotional heart
they're not going to drive you off a cliff basically but we can't really
change anybody we can't even change necessarily
external circumstances we can influence those but the only thing we can truly
change is our own attitude towards something and and that's where the key
factor comes in right control the keys meaning your attitude and you kind of
control your emotional stability hand those over to somebody else meaning you
get upset at somebody you know somebody pushes your button and maybe your kids
okay let's get closer to that maybe your spouse who has this ability to just push
the right button at the wrong moment and bam there you are into an argument
describe for us from a Christian perspective what is it handing over the
keys and why how do we keep the keys and keep control I think it's what you just
said at the beginning the realization that we can't fix somebody else and that
we really can't change another person we can influence them there's things we can
do but if my happiness and my security depends on what you do I'm probably
going to be disappointed because I can't change another person
the only person I really am responsible for is myself and making choices myself
Mike I'm thinking of parents who are saying but I have to train my child and
so where's the room for that in this equation I think training the child is
part of our responsibility and we are guiding them the same time they're real
people your aunt is your child that's right that's right and
we're preparing them to be adults we're we're giving them the tools they need
and part of that is going to be the process of helping them understand what
does it mean to operate from truth all right so do I talk to my child and say
hey you're really driving me crazy here or do I just let them have some space I
can do that I think that's I think it's fair to say you know when you're doing
this I am I am feeling just crazy here I feel
like you're driving me crazy but then we go back to truth of what's really
happening the truth is that you're better than that
and I want to help you get to where you're gonna go it's driving me crazy
but I love you no matter what and I think it's that sometimes that
unconditional love when we have a wayward teenager that's making a lot of
bad choices - to separate the behavior from the person must do to say that they
are the value their value comes from who they are not from what they do for them
to know that they're unconditionally loved could be the thing that brings
them back yeah and that's so critical so many parents are going through that in
fact I think you experience that as a parent right you had to demonstrate it
which always brings a greater credibility to the microphone here so
could you explain any example that you might have had with your own kids sure
my son was making some of the teenage choices you don't want him to make for a
few years and was choosing a path that really wasn't where we had taught him to
go we dropped him off at college and he was driving you crazy
oh yeah yeah that's the trying to be nice but yeah but he was driving us
crazy and then we dropped him off at college and it terrified me because I
thought okay now I'm not there to talk to him to guide him to make those kind
of choices control him yeah okay what I can't fix him right at least I have a
chance when he's in my home but I can now and I remember looking in the
rearview mirror and seeing him walk backwards and he didn't look look back
and at that time I felt like God said okay I love him more than you do you
can't be here but I can't I'm gonna stay with them I'm gonna be working with him
constantly your your job is to pray for and that's hard to embrace it is but I
think it goes best truth yeah everything goes back to truth it's like weak weary
sponsible for the choices we make staying in our side of the court as it
were also Mike you had a quote in the book I want you to explain which said
this we will spend every hour that we have period I was looking for the next
word but that's it we will spend every hour that we have if
we don't determine where we're going to spend it then someone else will decide
for us who deserves the best of your time today and that is convicting yeah
if I had a hundred dollar bill it has no value in itself it's a piece of paper
with ink on it it gains value when I do something with it if I take it to a
restaurant it has the value of food take it to the theater it has a value of
entertainment time is the same way a minute really doesn't have value by
itself it's what we do with that minute and whatever I choose to do with that
minute whoever I spend it with whatever choices I make that's the value that
minute has but the difference between time and money is that money you can
choose not to spend you could save it you can invest it can't do that with
time time justice man every minute and that's why if you don't decide
intentionally make a choice about what do I do with that minute then someone
else is making the choice for you but that's just a good life reminder of
what's most valuable in this life you know I was able to hold a moon rock a
friend of mine had a moon rock from one of the astronauts first of all it's
amazingly light it's like foam but he said to me you know this is the most
precious material on earth and I thought that's really interesting more precious
than diamonds the things that the earth has created because it's outside of the
earth it's a moon rock and there's only a you know a few dozen of them in the
world and you think about that but in the same way that value for time it's
amazing that we negate or we discount the most valuable commodity that we're
given in life it's not money it's time yeah and what we do with our time I love
that calling it out to that one hour how are you going to spend it and that's
what goes back to how do you deal with your crazy people if I can spend an hour
listening to them instead of an ass spending an hour trying to fix them yeah
that's an investment that will pay off well let's move in that direction
you know one of the key things is holidays are always present we said and
promised we'd end with the family side and there might be one or two people
that push your buttons in that area and you're gonna host the Christmas dinner
and 25 people are coming over but that one person when she gets on the
silverware and tells me how tarnished my silverware is or how the plates aren't
just right or how dry the turkey is you're gonna share a name with us no I'm
just guessing I have a friend but but that is really the point and it just
does something to get under your skin and you're saying why do we go through
this every holiday where we invite that relative over yeah what's a different
way to approach it dishes it's with family it it's like swimming with sharks
they're all under why is it because everybody's so comfortable with each
other they're not wanting to behave well I think there's patterns we've developed
for so long and it's it's the way we've always done
it so if they've always had Christmas dinner at your house because you have
the biggest house it's the most central everyone expects that and you expect it
to so suddenly you're saying all right I'm gonna have Christmas dinner but that
person's coming over they complain about the silverware Uncle Joe doesn't like
Turkey so I have to make a ham every year all right tofu Turkey and they'll
be okay now don't write me I get it I'll pronounce it better next time and nobody
complain I mean everybody complains everybody complains about how many
raisins there are in the dressing and it's there's nobody helps clean up it's
a setup for a disaster yes and so you dread it you want to be with those
people because you care about him but what do you do in that situation I think
one thing is to call it back to say okay what choices can I make and sometimes it
might be asking Uncle Joe to bring his own ham and maybe saying you know just
announcing saying this year I'm not gonna have it in my house but wherever
you have it I'll help coordinate or I'll reserve a room at a restaurant I'll send
out an invitation how many you know how much it's gonna cost or I could take a
Caribbean cruise that week or have the house tented for termites
that's a drastic move but it's in the repertoire could be it's extreme but
it's the idea that makes sense the message can make some choices I don't
have to say it has to be the way it's always been I can make some simple
choices to get other people involved I can hire a cleaning person that come in
afterward hey Mike how do you differentiate between that line of
what's real and then the admonition in scripture not to be a gossiper well if
you can tell me where that line is I deeply appreciate it wait it's really
hard you have to find it in the moment I think we're because when you're with
family and you've got that crazy relative that everybody knows about
there has to be some discussion about how are we going to handle this what do
we do with this person but when it drops into we're telling stories about how bad
it was that's when it's gotten into gossip yeah so it's a matter of how do
we talk about survival or boundaries without going into that area man that is
good Mike this has gone by so fast and Mike here's the kicker question the
whole half-hour we've been talking I'm thinking what if I'm the crazy person in
another person's life how do we know truth that well to say oh I've got
something I got to do or I've got to change what if we're that person well I
think we are assumption that because so if well yeah right because everybody
else might be crazy to us and they say if you join a group and there's nobody
crazy then it has to be you but in this context to be able to recognize it to
someone else we're moving their setpoint to the degree that I do that that makes
me the crazy person for them that's good hey I'm John fuller and thanks for
watching get more info about focus over here and more from our guests over there
and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well
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