I turn my head freely so I shouldn't smell that bad it probably shouldn't be
joking about this good morning it's apparently not Friday today I was
operating yesterday under the assumption that it was Thursday but I don't even know
where the fam is anymore like I've been home for quite a few hours by myself and
I'm like well it might as well have been Friday then and I wasn't gonna vlog
today and then I was like no I should document my last like well tomorrow I
guess it would technically be the last day but the last few days of me being
able to turn my head freely without having a neck brace on oh my gosh this
heater is really hot and now I'm laying on the floor and I'd posted about it on
Instagram and somebody was like some people are like I don't think it'd be a
problem if you took it it off to take a shower and then other people were like
taking it off to take a shower probably skew the results you probably shouldn't
do that I'm like yeah I'm gonna smell so bad well I don't know I've never not
taken a shower for more than like two days like even when I go into the
hospital and stuff and I'm like on like fall watch and all that I still take a
shower like every other day at least long as I think I ever went was when I
went camping with one of my friends because I didn't feel like showering and
so I didn't it was for a whole weekend so that's my long my long not showering
this but I will be obviously the rest of my body will be being wash it's just
like around this region it's gonna smell I think but luckily it's winter right
now so I'm not gonna be like overly sweaty so I shouldn't smell that bad
I hope and today and tomorrow and like extra wash my neck and Monday
well it might be being put on on Monday well then I'm another comment that
somebody said on Instagram was I said that I was nervous about how about
putting this thing on because I don't really like things touching my neck and
they commented oh don't worry you'll get used to it after a few days it feels
kind of like it's kind of like wearing a bra and I was like well I'm kind of
weary of bras still so and they were like yeah true good point because bras
are not that comfortable like I don't ever wear real ones this is uh let's see
I think it's on this side a sports bras so yeah me I'm gonna have a neck bra on
and another thought that I get oh this is like not funny but so funny at the
same time like it probably shouldn't be joking about this because one it's kind
of a serious topic and two you really shouldn't joke about these types of
things but so there's like a pretty story and then the actual joke but okay
so when Taylor had her brain surgery a few years ago I was there with them I
stayed with them at the hospital even though you're not supposed to stay at
the hospital unless you're over 18 but I was I think 15 at the time we just said
that I was 18 even though I looked like I was like 12 and she was about 12 or
something but anyways the very very long priest story to this and she her doctors
came in with an x-ray or a CT or something and they put it up on the
computer and they go this is an air bubble and I almost fell over laughing
but I couldn't say why I was laughing because you don't want to be that dummy
who they're like that's not funny but there was an air bubble in her head so
she was literally an airhead so I was just like dying of my own laughter and I
didn't say anything till we got back to our city because I didn't want I just
couldn't say it while we were there and then
and it's just me and my own thoughts like a lot of the time like I talked to
you guys for maybe like 30 minutes a day so and then the family is gone usually
from about 8:00 to 5:00 or eight to like seven some days so really I'm just home
alone a lot with me and my so I've been thinking a lot ever since okay I've been
thinking a lot yesterday at first because he found out about me getting
the neck brace put on on Thursday pickups I was drinking Lacroix and all
them bubbles are popping inside me but I was thinking about it like if this is
the case especially because we've we've kind of known that my neck isn't the
most stable situation but I had I thought like there would be a more
gradual thing to okay well anyways if my problems improve with the neck brace and
then it is likely that I would need my neck fused like the bones in my neck
they're gonna put screws and rods in there to like hold them straight and
together so I was I just started laughing yesterday and when we were
driving I was like what's your problem and I was thinking if something goes
wrong if I end up needing my neck fused I'm going to litter and something well
if something goes wrong while they're fusing my neck I'm literally going to
have a screw loose I know that's not funny
and neither of these are things that should be laughed about but seriously I
just think they're hilarious and I texted Taylor them yesterday because I
didn't want to well I posted it on Instagram so if
you're here from Instagram you've read this probably but I didn't want to just
like put it out there without her thinking that it was funny too and she
and Sharon thought it was hilarious cuz I come up with a lot of like really
bad jokes because me and my thoughts all the time
I like isn't it like dad jokes or whatever I make a lot of those well I
think I'm out of thoughts right now so when I do something besides laying on
the floor and watching YouTube that's what I've been doing and I've been
eating nerds my dad got me oh my heater let me try to turn it back
on my dad got me pineapple and lime nerds there there I dumped them into a
bowl because I didn't I don't like the little thing that they come in and he
got them for me cuz he's been out of town working he got me candy there I
think he actually got all of us candy so he must have had a candy store nearby I
don't really know why he got his candy but I've been eating them and there's
delicious although the pineapple ones kind of taste like furniture polish a
little bit not that I've eaten for an intra polish like the smell of furniture
polish but they're kind of good at the same time I am about to eat more candy
because you know everybody's there everybody should eat a ton of sugar in
one day my face can like all like ripped off it doesn't look too bad but it was
like sheets of skin were falling off of my face and I was just taking a shower
so I actually was taking a bath because I'm standing in a shower is dangerous
for me and I was thinking that or I've been thinking a lot about like the
future of what my body is or my future and like what my body is gonna go
through it and what it could go through and hang on I need to change my shirt
because this shirt is really bugging me like I've been thinking well I reckon
really has just been recently I've been thinking a lot about like what could
potentially be the outcome of or or of this like neckbrace situation
and then what could potentially be the outcome of I guess the future for me
because there I I don't I don't know and then we're also so this is a major side
point but we're going Christmas looking at Christmas lights because I've been
really wanting to go and then the fam went to our like church not really
Church like basically a Christmas dinner type situation but it's the eighth so
it's just like a party of a bunch of people that we know at a Chinese
restaurant because then you can like there's a lot of people that can fit at
a table without being in a small room really beside the point but still and
I've been thinking a lot and turn away if you're like weirded out by like body
tricks and things but I'm gonna put you on the ground so I don't know if you're
gonna be able to see much but there's okay but I need to explain this first I
I know I shouldn't do this well I didn't really realize how bad it was for my
body especially my neck and everything before it's really thinking things
through today because I've been home alone most of the day or at least I
thought I was alone but I think the fan was just outside and I couldn't hear
them but I've been thinking about it today and this like body trick that I do
I really shouldn't do but I spend a lot of my time like this because it's a very
comfortable position for me and what time I don't spend in this position I
said in like the W sitting position really really bad I know but it's like
it is what it is right now and the W sitting thing we've been trying to
change my habit of sitting since I was I think 11 because it's kind of normal for
like young children to sit like that but then as you get older you really
shouldn't so we had to we've been working like fer maybe a year or two I
had really like reverted away from it but it was a very conscious decision to
constantly revert myself away from its I'd like to sit down and then I would
reassess but it just it became a thing where like
why fight it because there's bigger like isn't there isn't there a saying like
bigger fresh fish to fry or bigger fish to fight or something I
don't know I I say a lot of things that I'm not a hundred percent sure what the
real thing is it's just the way it plays out in my mind is what comes out but
okay so turn away if you are are weirded out by like weird body positioning or
body tricks I don't yeah you can see me for the most
part I can't lay on my back but I can do this for whatever reason and that's my
open closet that space right there so sorry I just put a white laundry
I'm not gonna go all the way like I can breathe perfectly fine like this but I
can touch my knees to the round and basically like sit back up onto my knees
but like I should have done this wearing a different outfit because you really
can't see but these are my legs and then I just roll over I don't know why I do
that or like for what reason I do that but I know that it's a comfortable
position that my body light likes I don't know how much my body likes it but
I like it because it's just like a calming thing for me I don't know if
that's what that is doing but for at least two weeks and into the distant
future I won't be able to do that and or at least sit like that so I'm like oh no
because that is a very it's a calming thing for me probably shouldn't be it
really like isn't a calming thing for most people just it like that but it is
I don't know like can you tell that I'm just like I've been like in my own head
lately just like like really freaking out in my mind but then I've also I've
been to listening to a lot of like not even TED Talks like just speeches by
people on the internet on YouTube and stuff and I was listening to one by Lucy
Kalon ëthey which is Paul : with these wife he wrote the book when breath
becomes air and she had said something about how um like hope is an ever
changing thing for people so I should talk about that for a moment for like
but when she says in a much more eloquent way than I just did but um talk
she talks about how a lot of our identity is
is attributed to the person that we will become or that we have plans to become
and then for Paul which was her husband he became I don't know if you can hear
me on there he got diagnosed with cancer and then died so um a lot of her
experience is are from like that but she talks about how with like a diagnosis or
when your life like well for me like when my life just like drastically
changed there is a time like between where you're like still hope for for
that person and then you're transitioning into hoping for whatever
your new version of hope looks like so for I believe that to be like you there
is a time in between where you are like hopeless or like sad saddened by the
loss of who you were going to be and then transitioning into who into the
hopes that you have for like your future self and you guys saw me I think I
recently are like well I recently went through a lot of that you remember all
my crying yeah that's kind of where I picture that to me and then also she
where was I going with this statement before I went into that oh no I had a
really really good quote from her that I wanted to tell you guys but now I can't
remember cute maybe it was the identity thing I can't remember but basically
like I guess we'll just continue talking on
that and then if I want to I'll rewatch this and hopefully I'll hear the quote
again and or stick in my brain but I am like it sounds bad but I'm done hoping
that I'm going to be cured or that my body is going to be fixed really at this
point most the time I'm just hoping that there will be something that can be done
to like help me to feel better and not like I am just oh my gosh oh that I'm
just that I'm not just sitting here like with my body getting worse and worse
worse and there's nothing really we can do about it so there's like but for
first like two ish years of this journey of mine I had been hoping like that
there would be a cure and stuff but you have to come to that at your own time
like you have to come to accepting where you are now versus where you had hoped
to be and or a person that you had plans to become you have to come to best
realization like that it is okay to be where you are and that it was okay to be
where you were before but you just have to keep going and it it's hard to come
to that conclusion but you do have to like you nobody can force you to you
just have to come to it fight on your own terms and on your own time and I
don't know what I was trying to wear that sentence was headed I start a lot
of sentences like that where I start the sentence and I just start rambling and
then maybe I'll get to the end of it but that's beside the point at this point
like we all know I do it you guys see it all the time and then or I have an idea
for sentence like earlier and then I start talking about something else and
then I can't even remember so
like I don't know I've been watching a lot of these these speeches and the
interviews and things online so I'll probably continue to talk about them in
the vlogs because that's what my day consists of now and hopefully in January
here I go again hoping for something that may or may not I like to hope for
things that are more likely to come true and less like oh like this might happen
but it might not so I might in January start online school like online college
or something but it really just depends on how my body is doing because it's
kind of hard to do online school when you can't really click your computer
very well so it will see you but then I don't think I'm going to talk very much
more this evening to you guys but we are going Christmas lights or looking at
Christmas lights later so I'll put a little montage together and so cute
montage and thanks for watching and I'll see you tomorrow because tomorrow is my
last like for sure a full day of full head movement so see you tomorrow thanks
for watching bye and hopefully we'll see Taylor tomorrow so that she can hang out
with me and then you know UK maybe we'll start blogging for our film and
something for our other channel so or that would be up there or there I don't
really know but bye wait he's actually the best my mom shows how to do it like
put the disco ball on it yeah
sure that's it it would be you did well I know well wait don't hit me I'm Way
better than that he's actually doing no I go up alright this is like letting
gravity be your friend
no I just I do that Dom yeah where's Grinchy you kind of look like I
can't turn it cause I don't want ordinations sorry that's a good toy for
you
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