♪ Stump Kitchen, Stump Kitchen ♪
♪ Gluten-free vegan eats ♪
♪ Stumptastic treats ♪
(knocking on door)
- Come in.
Oh, you're so good to me.
Thank you.
(slurping)
Hello, happy holidays.
I'm not doing okay.
(Jazzy "Silent Night")
I don't really know where to begin,
because when I'm feeling like this,
my brain doesn't work the way that I like it to,
so I lose, I lose my ability
to retain trains of thought, memory...
Um...
I wanted this video to be a bit
about my prosthetic journey update for my Violin Arm,
as well as one a little bit about just like where I'm at
in my mental health for right now.
So I don't even know where to begin, like I...
Do you like my new sweatshirt?
It says Kale.
Okay, here's the thing with my prosthetic.
I've posted two videos about my Violin Arm journey,
and they were both pretty positive and exciting,
but I kinda hit a bit of a roadblock
when I went for my third or fourth appointment,
and I got to try the arm out for the first time.
I took it home, and it didn't work.
It didn't sit right on my arm.
It didn't function properly.
I had very little control over the bow as I was bowing.
It was such a disaster.
A part of me shut down,
a part of me that hasn't needed to shut down
in a long, long time,
because it was the first time in a long time
that I felt like I couldn't do something,
which might sound like, you know, not a big deal,
but I've been able to find a workaround,
either using different body parts or duct tape or whatever.
Like, I've been able to do stuff,
and I've had other prosthetics in my life
that have been just fine,
and they've worked okay for their purposes,
but with this, like so much time and work
and money went into making this arm,
I felt so defeated when it didn't work.
Like I put it on and picked up
this beautiful instrument to play it,
and it was like trying to speak a new language
and not being able make any sound
or not even being able to open your mouth.
And I felt like this huge barrier
between me and this instrument
and my goal of wanting to learn how to play it.
At the time, the only barrier
that was coming up for me was me,
my arm,
because of, you know, how I was made, who I am
that I can't do this thing,
and that, you know, all this money and time has gone
into creating this prosthetic for me to be able to do this,
and it wasn't working.
And so when that happened, it was, um...
It was kinda like the wind being knocked out of you.
I just felt like helpless, pissed.
I just wanted to hide,
and I never got to the point where I hated my arm,
but I hated, I don't know,
maybe I hated the process of what I had to go through.
There's probably a lot of people out there
who are listening to this who haven't experienced
needing a prosthetic to do something,
and maybe it doesn't seem like that much of a big deal,
but then I know that there are some of you out there
who do have a limb difference,
and you have received a prosthetic
that doesn't work for your body,
and I know that maybe you feel like your body's betrayed you
or that there's something wrong with you.
You're not alone.
I think for some of us with a limb difference,
the world's just like not quite built for us yet,
and it should be.
I think there's a lot of great things happening,
but even on a bigger scale,
anyone with a disability or a diverse way
of being in the world,
there's not enough space for us yet,
just because the world is based on certain standards
and models of ability and the ways that bodies should be
and should function and stuff.
When I have an experience like that,
when I, you know, tried the prosthetic,
and it was so absolutely wrong,
and I was feeling bad about myself and my arm.
You know, after a few days of just like really low
depression, I guess, or just sadness,
I started to get really angry.
I started to think about all the other people
who have had to go through this,
who are given this thing,
this thing that's supposed to support them
in doing what they want to do
and reaching the goals that they want to reach,
and it betrays them in a way.
I will say that one of the things that helped me
through this process the most
has been talking with my pal, Angel.
She is such an incredible advocate
for folks with limb difference
and has been an amazing support
for me to find my voice in talking with my prosthetist
and working through this process in a way
that I felt and do feel heard
and can say what I need and say what I want
and to not feel like I just have to
accept the way that it is
and accept if something doesn't work for me.
I think as an adult congenital amputee
who only had prosthetics as a younger person,
I forgot, or maybe I never learned,
what the process was like if it didn't work out for you.
Like I didn't know that I could advocate for myself,
and I could ask for things to be different,
and I could look into other options.
For the first few days, I really wanted to just give up
and just say (beep) it,
like I don't need to play the violin.
But yeah, then I went through lots
of different stages of grief, I guess,
so like sadness, anger, a bit of bargaining,
and then some acceptance.
When I went to see Angel in Vancouver,
we got to go to the prosthetics conference
that she was presenting at,
and it was at that place that I kind of
got this revived sense of agency over my body
and what could be possible for me,
so that was a really cool transformative trip for me,
'cause I got to try stuff out,
I got to see people, talk to people,
and they have had similar experiences as me.
Needless to say,
the whole prosthetics thing has taken awhile,
because I've been back and forth
with my prosthetist's office.
And actually, when I was at the conference,
I met the manufacturer of the violin arm component,
the one that's at the tip of my prosthetic,
and he was able to chat with me
about ways to kind of fix it, which was so, so nice.
And so I took that information,
along with some flyers and information,
and I took it back to my prosthetist's office,
and based on that interaction
and my talking with the company,
we were able to make some adjustments.
And I feel so mixed about that,
because I love the fact that that happened
and that I got to find out what was wrong
and what we could adjust
and what I need from my body, et cetera,
but I also kind of, um...
I guess I was a bit angry and resentful
at my prosthetist's office,
because I feel like a lot of that
should have been done by them,
but I don't know, maybe,
maybe we have to just be our own advocates.
Like I honestly don't know what the culture is
around prosthetists,
and you know, finding that right fit.
I guess I just assumed that they would do everything
in their power to find the most perfect thing
for that person,
because you're getting an extension of your body made.
Like it's not just like, oh yeah,
I know that this prosthetic leg is gonna give you blisters
and stuff, but that's just part of having a prosthetic leg.
It's like, no, we can adjust things
and make those blisters less or non-existent.
How can we change this?
How can we work with this?
Like, it's part of your body for heaven's sake.
So I'll show you my prosthetic,
even though I'm still not at the point
where I can emotionally, mentally put it on and use it yet.
I'll get into that in the new year.
I'll show it to you.
It's right here.
Great.
So here it is.
So this is what it looks like.
This is the kind of head of it,
and the bow goes in there,
and you can adjust it with this thingy-thing.
You can make it kind of pivot to anywhere that you want to
and tighten it based on the angles that you need.
And they had this cool fabric at the prosthetist's place,
and they just put it on.
There's these narwhal-looking sock things
that go on your arm.
(belches)
Pardon me.
Then you have your mini-baby narwhal,
and then it goes in like this.
(clicks)
This is the prosthetic.
The bow goes in here, and I play like this.
Yeah, this is so weird.
I haven't had this on in a little while,
'cause it's a little bit like,
I don't know, it's just not the most fun thing
to think about at the moment.
Also because I'm currently experiencing
some pretty (beep) mental health stuff.
Typically in a regular kind of equalized, balanced mood,
I'm more able to access this
and to use it and think about it,
but right now is just not the time,
so that goes back into my underwear drawer.
I'm not going to talk about particular triggers
or maybe reasons why I have been diagnosed
with Major Depressive Disorder and why I have anxiety.
In part, I don't fully know,
and I also do, but I don't wanna like,
that's not the point of this video.
The point is that I'm just, I have it.
(slurps)
And I experience it in my own way.
So this time of year, pre-Christmas,
is a particularly hard time of year,
and my body, I'm lucky and cursed
that it's quite in-tune with...
It's getting to be more in-tune
with my emotions and reacts for me,
so when anniversaries of hard things come up,
my body reacts before I even
consciously know what's happening.
One thing that can happen is I will wake up crying.
Panic attacks happen.
I've had two so far in December.
And that, I think, is because I,
intellectually I'm like, I'm fine.
I'm doing so good.
It's been so long, and I'm seeing all these professionals,
and I'm working on my (beep), and bleh bleh bleh.
And so when I have darker or deeper moods and times,
there's like this dissonance of like,
but I'm okay, what the heck?
And so I kind of push it down
and I don't maybe access it or deal with it
as much as I had been,
because I feel like I should be beyond that,
and that's suppression for me results in panic attacks,
and I honestly don't really know the difference
between panic and anxiety attacks.
I just don't know which one I actually have.
It feels like anxiety and panic together.
I don't know.
Because I'm dealing with more
of the emotional weird triggers and whatever, I...
I have no idea what I was going to say.
Oh, right, okay.
So when I have these anxiety panic attacks,
and I've had them before in my life,
but for right now,
they typically come at times when I'm very calm,
like at night time, before bed.
For me, they don't come at a time
when I have any visible or active stressors
that are happening.
It's in the slower down times that those attacks come.
The other thing I wanted to say
about my own experience of depression.
I feel like depression is such a...
I wish it was more nuanced than that,
because mine isn't necessarily a...
Yeah, there's lows and there's like, you know,
but I experience it a lot of the times as...
So physically and mentally where my memory isn't as strong.
I'm not able to concentrate on things that I read.
I lose my own concentration on doing certain tasks.
I forget what I'm doing.
I forget appointments and things during the day
even if they're written down.
It's kind of like if I was sitting on a dunk tank
and the person throwing balls hit the target
and the seat drops from underneath my butt
and I fall into cold water.
It's like that feeling of the earth
being pulled up from underneath you dozens of times per day.
That's what it feels like for me.
It's hard to explain.
So what is the point of this video?
Well, I don't really know.
I guess I just wanted to make a video,
and just to be like,
hi, I'm not doing the best at all right now,
however, I want to emphasize that not doing your best
and not doing okay is totally valid anytime,
and especially right now,
and just because I'm not doing okay at the moment
doesn't mean that, I don't know,
that things need to change
in how people react and interact with me
or that I need to change.
I guess what I need to change
is just my expectations for myself,
'cause I feel like when I'm having a darker episode,
I think I can do everything the same,
but that's not the case,
so reminding myself that my expectations
for my days right now need to be very different.
Not putting too much on my plate.
Not scheduling too much.
Letting friends know, if I'm comfortable with it,
letting them know where I'm at,
so if I do need to bail, reschedule,
or have a cry in the middle of our time together,
they kind of know where I'm coming from.
But also just giving myself permission
to just be exactly how I need to be,
and that took me years to learn.
Yeah, it sounds like it's easy.
It's not.
Obviously it's not easy.
None of this is easy.
Of course none of this is (beep) easy.
(snorts)
So what I'm trying to say is I'm not doing okay,
but that is okay.
I have strategies, and I have people.
I have built my life in a way that I can fall
into these (beep) black holes.
I know that I won't disappear,
so that's lucky,
and if you have any of your own strategies
for how you can, how you can fall and not disappear,
feel free to leave them down below,
because I think that's really important to talk about.
When I'm in this state,
it's like this is the only reality that I know.
And I know that there's going to be some people watching
who have not experienced mental health challenges like this,
who might be like, you're fine.
You're so happy, and bloo bloo bloo bleh bleh,
all these things.
But then I know it's not accurate.
I do remember what it was like
before I experienced my own mental health issues.
I do remember just being like,
mental health, depression, it's a whole new language.
I have no concept of that experience.
I don't know what it's like.
I didn't pretend to know, but I didn't get it.
But I also know there are so many of you
who do experience this
or a form of your own mental health challenge and journey.
Just to know that there's other people
that feel even an ounce of this,
it's absolutely heartbreaking.
And how do you tell someone that they're not alone
when you know that it's so hard to believe
when you do feel alone, you know,
trapped in your head or whatever.
It's such a weird paradox or whatever, I don't know.
I woke up this morning,
almost had a panic attack, had a big cry.
My panic attacks,
they come with stomach feeling really weird,
then my skin starts to crawl, almost like I'm getting sick,
like either physically stomach-sick or a bit flu-sick,
and then a few minutes later, it comes to big cries.
Sometimes I'm shaking, but mostly like big cries and...
(belches)
Pardon me.
One thing that was cool was that I went to the gym today.
I didn't, like waking up,
I didn't think I'd be able to go to the gym.
Getting to the gym was a huge win for me.
That doesn't always happen.
And so I think over the holidays,
I'm gonna kind of take the lead
of a lot of the big YouTubers out there
and take a bit of a holiday break in posting.
I also have CBC footage that I have to get through as well.
I need to take a bit of a break
from my regular posting schedule
and come back fresh in the new year.
It's so funny, 'cause I feel so crappy doing that,
'cause you have this mentality as a content creator.
You're like always gotta be posting stuff.
That's not true.
Like I'm always gonna be around.
It doesn't matter when I post.
Like I'm, I don't know.
(buzz)
Whoa, did you hear that?
(buzz)
(laughs)
No, it went away.
I love and respect you very, very much for watching this,
just for being on this earth with me.
We're all just doing the best that we can,
and that's all we can ever do.
So, yeah, thanks for watching.
Subscribe.
Like, comment.
Bleh, bleh, bleh.
(laughs)
You know what?
This is a good reminder,
even though I go through waves of you know, dark times,
depression, et cetera,
somehow, I don't know why or how,
but somehow, every one of those days,
either something I find beauty or joy in,
and I either laugh out loud or I...
You know, I'm taken aback
by a beautiful blue jay that I see on a tree
or the snowfall or cooking a meal,
if I can even do that,
laugh at something, or I'll laugh in spite of myself.
It's so interesting to see myself have those moments
of joy that are just like so insular.
They're just like joy, and then back to darkness.
It's so interesting, and I love it.
(jazzy "Silent Night")
Be gentle with yourself.
We're all just getting through December
in all the best ways that we can,
and I'm cheering you on.
Bye.
(jazzy "Silent Night")
What a video.
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