- Hello everybody.
My name's Stef Sanjati and welcome to my home.
You guessed what time of year it is.
You didn't, that was past tense.
But, you're going to.
Guess what time of year it is?
It is the holiday season, pretty much.
I know a lot of people, especially my viewers,
like to see it in a very hyper capitalist like ew way.
But for me, I'm able to separate that from my
nostalgia and my fond memories.
And I wanted to just take you with me
down that lovely road today.
So get yourself a nice, little hot chocolate.
You can do one that's lactose free, I promise.
This one is made with almond milk.
And lets just hang out together.
And I'm gonna put up my Christmas tree,
but it doesn't have to be Christmas for you
it can be whatever holiday you want or no holiday at all.
Honestly, the big thing for Christmas for me,
or the holiday season, is about the
human connection and food mostly.
I think that's beautiful.
Mmmm, yummy.
Do you hear that sound, lets do it again for the,
(laughs)
I choked.
I guess we should start with getting the tree out.
So I'm gonna find a way to get it out of here.
Ah, look at that, easy as pie.
Please be careful handling knives if you're going to, okay.
You don't want to hurt yourself.
This looks like the top of the tree so
I'm going to set that down here.
I bought a tree that had a cool base.
It's in a pot so I don't have to put a rug around it.
And in Toronto, and in any big city really,
if you're from New York or L.A., you might understand
this too, you can't really get a big tree
because you don't have much room.
This is pretty much my whole living space.
So I like this tree, its five feet tall.
Which is just a tiny bit shorter than me by three inches.
And I like it because it doesn't take up that much room.
But its still very beautiful.
I think I should plug it in behind here
so you don't see the cord.
Aw, that's pretty.
This is so bright.
Okay, this must fit in there somehow.
Ah, I see it.
Yay.
See, this is just about as tall as me, five feet.
That's so cute.
So I thought, while I did this,
we could talk about our past holiday experiences.
And as I've grown into an adult,
I'm turning 23 by the way, in two days as of recording this.
Its changed a lot for me and I want to talk about that
because I grew up in a very happy family.
My parents were together for my entire childhood.
And the holidays were like, this big joyous, beautiful ball.
And I was bullied really badly in school
so for me it was like, I got to look forward to not being
in school, and also spending time with family
that I enjoyed spending time with.
So it was really lovely in all ways.
A specific memory I have, I have so many of just,
all the colors in my house.
My mom always decorated with lots of gold and lots of red.
It was always very warm and that was such a contrast
from the outside because I live in Canada, so we get snow.
I mean, to be fair I live in southern Canada,
but its still very, very cold in the winter.
The inside of my home was always so warm.
So the holidays always felt really safe for me
and I think that's why I love them so much as an adult.
Because it reminds me of that time in my childhood
where everything was fine and I didn't have to
worry about anything at all.
And now that I'm older, and of course,
I understand a lot of the cultural and socioeconomic
background of these kinds of holidays,
I still cling to that nostalgia, but its a bit harder.
And this is my way of finding happinness I guess right now.
I have very turbulent emotions and moods.
Sometimes its hard for me to enjoy life.
But something about the holiday season makes
me feel okay and safe, you know?
So this Christmas tree is not just a decoration.
This is like, a symbol of safety.
And I think that's why its so important to me to have it.
And I'm really happy that I got one this year.
We're done spreading out the spruce, you know.
I think she looks nice and full.
She's thick, you know.
She's just like me.
Where should we start?
I want to start these acorns.
These don't have any way to attach themselves,
but I'm gonna make it work because I think
its important to have cute little decorations.
They're so sparkly, they're probably going
to get gold glitter all over my entire apartment.
But I'm okay with that.
You can just balance them.
These should go last.
We're learning lessons as we go.
Put the normal decorations on first, like the balls.
Little golden balls.
I went with full gold decorations because
that's kind of what I think looks the most lovely.
But, when I was a little kid,
we had these huge cardboard boxes.
They were like three feet tall and three feet wide.
And they were full of all these
different weird mishmashed decorations.
We had these little porcelain angels.
And some of them were ones my brother
and I made at school.
And it was really eclectic and beautiful.
But, then when my brother and I moved away,
my parents changed them to just red and gold.
Which is kinda sad because the old
ornaments all had a story.
My mom wanted to keep them but
I don't know where they are now.
That's okay.
Next, we're going to do these little stars.
I like these because they have different points on them.
Oooh, these are so glittery and pretty.
Something else I'm remembering from childhood holidays,
is my aunt, she makes these butterscotch, peanut
butter squares with marshmallows in them.
They are so good.
And she also makes these snowballs,
they're just like coconut balls I think.
But they're so yummy.
And those are exclusively holiday treats.
She only makes them for Thanksgiving and for Christmas.
And they are the flavor of the holidays for me.
My family always did turkeys and stuff.
But, I don't know, its not as memorable for me.
The stuffing is though, because its got bread in it.
And I think that's fair.
We've got some thicker stars.
Put one here, aw, that's just cute.
And one of them towards the bottom, maybe there.
The backs going to be kind of bare but I think that's okay
because nobody really sees it.
I got these cool little leaves and I
think these'll fill up a lot of room.
I think one of them might be good right here, yeah.
We'll just kind of let it, ah, I like that.
Oh, this one is really pretty.
Its a stag and its got golden antlers.
I think what I'd like to do is eventually
collect a bunch of eclectic decorations too.
And then I can get rid of the balls and stuff.
Cause they're not as fun.
Oh, and my holiday, ah listen.
I forgot about the most important detail
of my Christmas childhood.
And this is why its so magical for me I think is
my dad bought this tree that was nine feet tall
and it was a Christmas display tree from the mall.
Like, it was a mall display tree.
He bought it in the New Year after Christmas was over.
And I'm from a small town so it was pretty,
that was when them all still existed there.
It doesn't anymore.
I was a very small child because I'm not a very big person.
I'm pretty small right?
This tree was huge and I would go and lay underneath
of it because it was high enough that it
was like a foot or two gap, maybe just a foot.
So I could crawl under there and just lay
under the tree where the lightbulbs were warm.
And they weren't LED bulbs.
They were those warm ones, so it was truly on fire.
And it made me feel so cozy and safe and its a nice memory.
My dad used to carry me to the top of the stairs
and he'd hold me, we put the tree beside the stairs
so you had to be at the top of the stairs
to reach the top of the tree.
And my dad would pick me up and he'd lift me
this way so I could put the angel on the top.
Because he wouldn't be able to reach it anyway
so he had to just move me to reach it.
That's a nice memory.
I think part of why I want to have a family so bad
is because how much I love Christmas.
And I want to give another child that
kind of Christmas, you know?
That kind of holiday, excuse me.
Hm, hanging little pine cones for my pine tree.
Yeah, what's left?
Oooh, I got these feathers.
I think these are really nice.
There's so many too.
I could make a wing.
Something else that happened,
was it last year?
I think it was last year, I don't remember.
Everythings kinda blurry.
But
I grew up thinking my family was perfect, you know?
And that
nothing could ever change that.
And then my parents split up recently,
like, permanently, its not a split up, its done.
And that
messed me up, because, its not that,
I mean, I know that happens to a lot of people,
but, I, it never crossed my mind that
it might happen to me.
Like, I thought that was impossible.
And its kinda put me in a weird place,
like, mentally,
for a long time.
And I'm coming out the underside, and I'm happy about that.
But, things like, every single childhood memory
of mine involves us being a family, you know?
And then out of nowhere for that to no
longer be true, is really jarring.
So, I've been spending holidays with my mom,
and I love that, but its bizarre for me
to think about all of my holiday memories
during the holiday season and its all with the whole family.
And now, I get half of it.
Which is great and I love my family but its just,
you know, like, I think its something
people just don't talk about.
And I think we should.
Because its something that we grapple with, you know?
And silence doesn't solve anything.
I guess, things used to always be so simple, right?
Like, I would just go home to my family
and spend the holidays with my family
but now there's two sides.
And I guess, like I, it sounds, if you don't
experience it, it sounds so simple and so passive.
And that's how I felt about it before my parents separated.
But now, its something that is very present
in my thoughts, you know?
Its intense and I didn't know that until it happened.
I always saw it as very simple and its not.
Its not simple at all.
So, I don't know exactly
what I'm going to do
for the holidays
but
I know that lots of other people experience that too.
Who's calling me?
Maybe its my mom.
Hello?
- [Mom] Hi honey.
- Hi mom, what're you doing?
- [Mom] Just filling up Lucy's water.
- Lucy's water?
I miss her.
- [Mom] I'm just calling to check and figure
out what day you're coming.
- I'm gonna come on Tuesday, is that okay?
- [Mom] That's your birthday.
- Yeah, is that okay?
- [Mom] Yeah, what time or did you know?
- I haven't bought the ticket yet, but
I'll let you know as soon as I do.
- [Mom] Okay, so you'll be home for your birthday.
Because I wanted to make you supper and
make you eggnog and make you supper Wednesday I guess.
- I can, I can make it for Tuesday.
I'm setting up the Christmas tree.
- [Mom] You are?
- Yeah.
- [Mom] Good, did you get a little one or a big one?
- Its five feet tall.
- [Mom] Oh yeah, that's big enough.
- And its kinda narrow so it fits into
a corner of my apartment.
- [Mom] Right.
- And I got lots of gold decorations.
- [Mom] I've got a whole bunch of extra gold ones.
Good, send me a picture.
- I will.
- [Mom] I'm glad you did that.
- Me too, it makes me happy.
- [Mom] Yeah, I know (mumbles)
showed up and arranged it all for me.
- Yeah, of course she did.
I wish she would do mine.
- [Mom] Yeah, she does a good job.
- Do you have any memories of Christmas
when I was a little kid, mom?
Like, I used to do, I know I used to do the ornaments.
- [Mom] Yeah, I've got pictures of you not touching
any ornaments, you're not supposed to be
touching the tree and you'd be looking at me
and reaching your hands over to the tree.
- Cause I'm always doing things I'm not supposed to?
- [Mom] Then you used to have your rocking horse.
You would ride it into the tree, across the carpet.
- My rocking horse, I remember it.
I would move, physically?
- [Mom] Yeah, you did.
- That's wild.
- [Mom] You managed to rock hard enough you'd get it
to move over to the tree and then you'd say,
you didn't touch the tree, the horse did.
- Oh, so I was always an aggressive, trouble-making bitch.
- [Mom] Yeah, you were.
(laughs)
Tony talked more, to the tree.
- Tony talked to the tree?
- [Mom] No, he would tell me, like, he'd take his
advent calendar in the bedroom and eat it all.
And then he'd, because I told him,
when it's all gone, its going to be Christmas.
And he was three and he took it in his bedroom
and ate it all, and he goes,
now it can be Christmas, its all gone.
- Do you have any favorite holiday memories?
- [Mom] Well, you liked your one that we got you,
the Snow White doll, that was your favorite.
- Yeah, how old was I when I got that doll?
- [Mom] I think you were, I wanna say maybe three.
Because you had been crying for it and crying for it
and then when you got it Christmas morning,
you said, he did it, he remembered.
- Santa?
- [Mom] So you must have told him,
when I took you to visit him in the mall.
- Oh, I wonder what he thought of that.
- [Mom] You would actually talk to-
- Because I believed in him.
I remember, I used to look up at the sky
when I was a little bit older and the kids at school
would be like, Santa's not real,
and I used to be like, yeah, he's not real.
And then I'd look up at the sky like he was God,
and be like, I'm sorry Santa, I believe in you.
- [Mom] And I remember I had to always read you
The Cat Who Climbed the Christmas Tree.
Because he got in all kinds of trouble.
- I think I related to the cat.
I wanted to climb the Christmas tree.
- [Mom] Yeah, well you were, always wanted
to ask questions because everybody told him that
she guarded the tree and he wouldn't take their word for it.
He wanted to climb the tree to ask the angel himself.
- What did he want to ask the angel?
- [Mom] If she guarded the tree at the house.
I read that to you, year after year.
It's called, The Cat Who Climbed the Christmas Tree.
- That's really pretty.
- [Mom] It was a little red book, you remember them
called red books, or golden books, you know those little.
- Yeah, didn't it have gold pages?
- [Mom] I had to, I had to read it all, yeah,
the edges were all gold, and I had to read
it every year, over and over and over.
- I remember that.
- [Mom] And we would have fires in the fireplace,
like that, again, you're not supposed to touch,
but you would try to poke it with the poker,
and say the poker was touching
and then you would drop the black end
on the beige carpet and then you would get
cross because you didn't do it.
Like you always said everything, I didn't do it.
- No, I didn't do it.
- [Mom] You were a cutie.
Like I said, the most I remember, was you riding
that horse, and I can't believe how hard you
could get it to rock to get it to move on the carpet.
And it was the horse that touched the tree, not you.
- Yeah, that's true.
Okay, its still me.
- [Mom] Okay, alright, bye now.
- Bye ma, love you.
- [Mom] Love you too, bye.
- Wow, I love her.
Time to hook up the star.
Are you guys ready?
I bought one that's, I broke the box.
I got one that's three dimensional
because I wanted it to have a bit more height
so that it can be taller than me.
I think this is really pretty.
I might move the feathers because they're a little bit
condensed, but we'll see.
Alright, lets do it.
We're going to shimmy going down here.
Oh no, is it strong enough?
Yay, isn't that cute?
I love this.
Does it look cute, do we like it?
You guys have to comment.
Let me know what you think.
I think it looks better from this side.
I'm gonna turn it so you can see it.
All these wires.
I'm just gonna move this and move this to here.
This right here, there.
Oh no, you guys know how this goes right?
I'll never stop moving, oh no.
She's a bit heavy but that's okay.
Maybe I can like stabilize it with, like a rod
or something, a chopstick.
Lets see, yay.
I think that worked.
We did it guys.
Maybe, you know, if you're in a city
or if you're an adult, and you know,
you don't live with your family anymore kind of thing,
something like this brings me a lot of happiness.
So I thought maybe, maybe, it'll
bring you some too if you live alone.
Alright, all I can say is for myself,
but this makes me feel like I'm not so alone.
And that's nice.
So, I will see you guys later.
And I hope you have a happy beginning to your December.
And that you have a good season.
And we're here for each other, remember that.
Bye.
(peaceful music)
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