Hey girls! Tiffany Dawn here, and today is
the long-awaited video that has been
requested for months now about
long-distance relationships! Over the
last few weeks I went and interviewed
four married couples who all were
long-distance for a significant part of
their dating relationship. And so I asked
them a bunch of questions that you girls
wrote in, and so today you get to hear
their answers! And don't forget to give
this video a thumbs up if you liked it,
comment your thoughts, and hit subscribe
if you haven't already. Hi there, I'm
Scott and this is my wife Katria. We've
been married for just over 10 years. As
you can see, we're expecting a baby! We've had a
long distance relationship, we moved
cross country together, and now we're having a baby. Yeah alright, so
I'm Travis, and this is my wife Rachel.
We met at PBU - Philadelphia Biblical
University. We met in a pudding bar -- very delicious.
We've been married for 10 years. We have
two kids. And we were long-distance. I'm
Allan and I've been married to this woman
for 32 years. I know I don't look 32, but
am. (You're older than 32.) I got to see
this beautiful woman in the summers, and the
rest of time we had to communicate from
a distance. I lived in Indiana and she was in New
York. And you had to pay for every minute
you talked on the phone! You can't talk
until you give your name. Oh I'm Pati.
Pati. And we are Tiffany Dawn's parents.
We take full responsibility. No we don't! No we don't.
We're rollin? You are. [laughs] You're so uncomfortable. I'm
cool. Hi my name is Maggie and this is
Brandon. Hi, I'm Brandon. And we've been
married for six years. Brandon and I met
when we were in college. About one year
of our relationship was long distance.
Yeah, one year, but it was the first year. She
spent time in India, she spent time in
South Africa, and she spent time in
Bulgaria. How did you have people get to
know you as a couple and hold you
accountable when you were long-distance?
One of the great things about our
relationship to begin with was that we
were all part of the same group of
friends. I mean I had a few friends that
that you didn't know and I think
sometimes when I was like hanging out
with them you might have got a little like,
"Who's that chick?" Yeah, and when you were away and I
would like hear of these like cool South
African dudes that were taking Maggie to
World Cup stadiums and stuff, I'd be like who
are these guys? When when I was traveling,
first thing i would talk about is how
great my boyfriend back home is, and how
we're best friends and how we know each
other and love each other so much. And
talking about Brandon was really easy
because he was such a huge part of my
life. I lived with a couple who was
married and their children, and I just
rented a room there, so whenever he was
around people were with us and getting to
know us. And when we were at his house I
had to stay with his family. That's scary!
Because the other person is so far away, it
actually allows you and encourages you to
keep the relationships that you
currently have, and so that can help your
life stay more in balance. Accountability-
wise, we both had strong
networks of friendships. I sought out a
lot of mentors at school. They would ask
a lot of hard questions. It wasn't like,
you know, dating now where you're online and
these are so like, you know, immersive.
With our MC phone cards, we were
paying by the minute. We had phones at
times with cords, so you couldn't
leave the room. Your roommates heard
everything you were saying. We were
really excited to like include our
friends in getting to know each other,
so like we have game nights; I
was in a sorority, so we had dances, so he
would come up for dances. Just keep really open
lines of communication with the people
in your life. Video chat the other person
while you're hanging out with your group
of friends so they're in the room with
you on the computer screen. Don't keep
that part of your life separate from the
rest of your life. So how did you know
that you wanted to get married even
being long distance? Well there comes a
time in any relationship when a young
man's fancy turns to thoughts of
marriage. Sometimes he needs a little
helping along though. We had been dating for
four years and it was kind of a
transition in our lives, and so
she put the question to me one weekend. She said,
"Just there where is this going Scott?" And
I said, "Can I have a minute to think about this?"
No I think it was much more cruel. I
asked if you wanted to get married or if
I should apply to grad school, but I
didn't care which one. And you did freak
out a little but like we'd been talking
about it before. Yeah we had been
talking about it for like three or six
months. Yeah. Because Brandon and I were
friends for so long, we got to see each
other date other people. I distinctly
remember before Brandon and I started
dating, talking to my friends - my
girlfriends, and saying, "You know, whoever
marries Brandon Fromm is gonna be a
really lucky girl." And that ended up being
me! So that was cool. What brought us
closer together was that we liked each
other and we loved each other and we
like had commonalities. But like we could
have easily grown apart and like found
somebody probably equally as great,
you know? Like that would be sad now
thinking about it, but like this idea
that like God has one person for you,
like we're not really like in that camp.
So if you believe in soul mates, I'm really
sorry. But I think sometimes going into a
relationship
thinking that there's like this one
person out there for you, means that when
you get to marriage like you think it's
going to be easy, and it's not always
easy. Like you have to work at it and you
have to be kind. It all starts with a
commitment from yourself. If you rely on
the other person to make the marriage
successful, you've already missed the
point. It is not something of a 50-50 in
marriage; it is a 100-100. And you
don't expect anything from the other
person. Your commitment is your
commitment. Early on I don't think we
really felt pressure to really define
our relationship; like we were just okay
with being friends for a while and
getting to know each other. We were on
the same page from like the moment that
we met. My tip is to get to know people
who know that person. You really don't
know if that person is who they say they
are. Knowing what other people think
about that person is probably more
valuable than knowing what that person
thinks of themselves. Do they work hard?
Can they hold a job? How do they treat
their siblings, or their parents? I had
people praying over me for a long time
that I would know when I met my husband, that
I would know that he was the one, and I
did. It wasn't like something that I
don't think happens all the time, but it
was an answer to prayer. I knew, knew, like
knew for sure, after you got back from
your travels, because I knew that if we
could get through that, then we could get
through anything. So after she got back I
moved out Albany and put a ring on it. So how did
you guys deal with boundaries when you
saw each other again? So growing up,
neither of our parents really talked to us
much about boundaries. And like in the
conversations we did have, they were
presented as more like an all-or-nothing
proposition. You know, either you had sex
or you didn't. But practically there's a
lot of ground in between those two
points. And those are points like we
didn't talk about in the beginning. Well
the boundaries we did have were clear.
Yeah. You know, boundaries you know to
respect each other, you know, to honor
each other, and to not put each other in
like an awkward position. And I think
that's what made us fall in love and
marry each other, is that we did feel
safe and secure. Setting those boundaries
is really important because you do feel
loved. When I went up to visit we were with
her parents and hanging out with her
family. We did a lot of things with
friends. That was obviously really
helpful. We weren't alone; basically when
we got together that was - yeah -
that's probably boundary. Yes. That's
actually one of the things that we wish
we had done differently when we look
back on our relationship. I would suggest
establishing those boundaries - like
having the conversation ahead of time and
treating it like a real threat and not
just ignoring it and letting it happen,
which is what we did. We just kind of - do
do, oh, oops! We went farther than
we would have liked to. We felt a lot of
shame about that. You know, you always
hear like nothing good happens after
midnight. That's so true. When it's late
at night and you let your guard down, you
know, whoever you're staying with has
gone to bed... We were in a church that
everybody was kind of watching you. Did
you guys find it like tough to keep your
hands off each other when you were
long-distance, or not really, or...? He
did! What did you do to help? I
said, "Back off, Jack!" [laughs] You have
different standards because there's two different
people that grew up with
different standards throughout their
life and expectations, so you have to
discuss those. And you have to keep
discussing them. So how did you deal with
trust in a long distance relationship? I
think in any kind of relationship you're
dealing with with trust. The distance
just means there's maybe, you know, more
time and opportunity to be untrustworthy.
Or paranoid. That's true. We had a
community we were we were built into and
if things have been going on like off
the radar, you know, those people would
have pulled us back in line. And we had
mutual friends too, so we kind of knew
of each other. I had like a whole army of
spies checking in on Scott. I had no
spies. You don't! Yeah, you don't! You
don't know if that person is worthy of
your trust unless they've earned it!
Trust is something that needs to be
earned. You had earned my trust in
getting to know you over the years and I
had earned your trust. When we were long
distance, I knew I could trust you no
matter what. It's hard. Again it goes back
to what Pati said about you need to get
confirmation that this is a person of
integrity, and to get that confirmation,
you need to go to multiple sources. They
can seem to be so Christian, so wonderful,
and so God fearing, and reality is
that's not who they really are. By the
time that we met, we were serious. We
weren't like talking to other people, and
I don't know, it was understood. Like you
and I are exclusively talking to each
other for the purpose of marriage. I
would have never questioned that. Is there
anything you would recommend - signs of
untrustworthiness? Watch where his eyes
are going when you're out on a date. [laughs]
Someone who's faithful and trustworthy
in the small things would be faithful
and trustworthy in the larger more important
things - I tend to think that. It's kind of
like that study where they had the
children and they said, "You can either
eat this one marshmallow now, or you can
wait and have two marshmallows later." And
some of the kids - in fact most of them -
couldn't wait long enough to get the two,
so they settled for one. So some of the
signs that you can look for is whether
people are willing to wait. I think it's
nice to know what the other person
is doing like on a day-to-day basis.
Like I felt close to Scott that way, like
knowing who he was interacting with and
sometimes meeting those friends, what
classes he was going to, things like that.
Like all that just like helped me outline
his day - not in like a stalkerish kind
of way, but it's like feeling like I was
part of it and feeling like he was
involving me in that. That's true. In any
kind of relationship, like it happens
within the context of your life. If you
separate a relationship from the
day-to-day concerns, then you know, then
that's where things get maybe murky and
there's more opportunity like for trust
to be misused. And you won't know unless
you spend time with the person. So even
if you have a long-distance relationship,
you have to spend the money and take the
time to spend time together. So if you're
going to spend a bunch of money to visit
someone, like how long should you wait?
How do you know you're ready for that? I
wouldn't go to some person's house that I
don't know anybody that knows a thing
about this person, even if I have had a
relationship online with them for ten
years! You need to get some feedback from
others and find somehow someone who
knows this person. Or bring your mom with
you, yes, bring your big sister with you,
bring a couple of friends with you. Go to
church with them. Look and see, do people
at church really know them? So how did
you get to know each other really well
even though you were long-distance? What
did you do to build that? It started by
building a really solid foundation at
school. We eventually started praying with
each other and sharing our stories with
each other. So after she left, we talked to
each other pretty much daily, or every
other day. We'd work into our schedule
different visits, so either I'd go up to
New York to visit or she'd come down to PA to
visit. Did you guys have cellphones in
this year? Yeah my dad bought me a
track phone for school, and he said, "Son, this
is just for an emergency, like only use
this for emergencies." And so I think he
loaded 400 minutes on it. And so I'm like,
I'll never use that. That's when I met
Rachel and then I think it was the next
week, I'm like, "Dad, um, hi. I used all the
minutes!" When she was in India and I was
student teaching, so I was sleeping -
going to bed when she was getting up and
vise versa. Oh yeah, so there was a whole time
difference thing. The way we would
communicate to each other is we would
record videos in photo booth and we
would send them to each other in our
emails. It was like a diary almost - yeah it
was like a video diary that we kept
with each other. And I wonder if we still
have any of those? I still have all the videos. Oh
cool. Yeah. So when we first started
dating, our relationship was based a lot
on talking about like day-to-day
activities. And I think probably around,
what like a year and a half? Like we kind
of figured out that we liked each other and
we had to start talking about things
that mattered. For the first couple or
maybe like the first year or so, I think
both of us were we were kind of waiting
to see, you know, if maybe something
better comes along. Yeah - so true. And fortunately
nothing ever did. We would pay almost as
much as it would cost to rent an apartment
on phone bills. Not really that much. But
close. Or writing letters. We recorded
ourselves on cassette and sent cassettes
back and forth. Exactly. And so you had to
be more creative as to how you talked
about things. So it actually helped in
getting to know the other person. Except
there is that factor about a person of
their quirks and their personality and who they really are
that you don't get to know. So you get to
know other things. So the last question
is simply: Is there anything else that
you think are important for people to
know if they're dating long distance?
Probably the most notable long distance
relationship is that of God and man. True!
And you have a situation where God and
man actually dwelt together in the
garden, and they found themselves far
apart. And so one thing to know is that
you've got a God who actually has
experienced it. He knows exactly what
you're going through. I think for any
dating, my recommendation
is that you pray ahead of time for God
to open your heart to what you need in a
spouse, and also who you are bringing to
the table to a spouse. A lot of times
people are always wondering, "Well who's
the right one for me to be with?" But
then I think it's also very important to
become that person for that other person
as well - so that you're becoming Mr.
Right or Mrs. Right by loving Jesus
first. It's really important to keep
things exciting when you're dating long
distance, because you're dating, so it's important!
Scott used to write me letters and
we're both artists so he would like
illustrate them. I think you did a whole
series of stories for me to do. Yes. You
had really good dates when we were in person
too. Yeah, I had months to plan them out. That's
true, yeah. The most important thing about
dating long distance is communication. I
mean it's really the most important
thing about any relationship, but it's so
much more important because you lose a
lot of the body language, you lose a lot
of the physical connection of just being
in someone's presence. Oh thank you so
much to each of the couples who shared
their wisdom! And if you're in a long
distance relationship, what helps you? And
then we can all read the comments and
learn from each other too. So girls have
an amazing day! I will see you Friday for
an everyday summer makeup tutorial. And
by the time you watch this video, James
and I will be in Serbia. What?! So if you're
not already following along, be sure to
follow my Instagram at TiffanyDawnIQB,
because I'm hosting pictures like every
day. Love you girls! Bye. Where am I going with this? I don't know. I think that works though.
Does that work? They... [laughs]
I don't want to be so happy that I'm creepy.
Yeah. Should we start over?
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