My name is Jughead Forsythe Dementia Raven Way.
I'm a goth.
I see Archie walk in to Pop's.
I stick my middle finger at him *Lindsay cackling*
*"Sugar Sugar" by the Archies plays*
"Hey everybody!
Welcome back to Tanner's Books and Beyond, I'm here today with my friend Lindsay."
"Hi!"
"And we're gonna be doing a recap of the first episode of Riverdale!
The new Archie show on the CW!
It's darker and sexier and grittier. It's not your dad's Archie!
"There's death."
"There's death!"
"There's sex!"
"There's...pop culture references.
Let's see, we should just do a plot run-down?
I guess?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"So the show starts off with Jughead - Jughead is our intrepid reporter, omniscient narrator-type guy."
"He's writing a novel about this."
"Yes, so he's basically us when we were sophomores."
"Yeah."
"And they're all sophomores!
All of these hot, ab-tastic boys, they are all supposed to be fifteen, sixteen."
"Fifteen. Remember the boys that you met in high school who were fifteen.
If I remember correctly, most of the like, the fourteen, fifteen year old boys I remember
were shorter than me. And I'm 5'2."
"Oh god!" *laughter* "All of the boys at Riverdale have gone through puberty -" "They all were
hit by the same puberty truck?"
"Apparently. Everyone was hot by grade nine and Archie was the outlier, and now grade ten has rolled
around and oh, now Archie has joined the hotness club too!
This summer, the unthinkable happened.
There was a death." "In Riverdale!"
"In Riverdale...the town with Pep!"
"That's what it says on the sign!"
"Welcome to Riverdale, the town with Pep."
"It was funded by a rogue group of cheerleaders."
"From the fifties!"
"Cheryl Blossom and her brother Jason, they go out on their incest boat -" *Lindsay cackling*
"They don't say anything, but the subtext is so obvious.
Holy smokes."
"The boat date, the convertible..."
"Something happens and Jason dies."
"They never find the body."
"Dilton shows up in his boyscout shorts.
His only appearance! A non-speaking role!
He just shows up in a boyscout outfit with little binoculars, sees Cheryl drenched on
the shore like a Ring ghost."
*laughing*
"But it's always, it's always the boyscouts that find the bodies."
"Cheryl's like 'Jason died in a tragic accident!'
Then the whole town's out watching, and then a lady we later find out is Betty's Mom is
like 'I hope he suffered and he BURNS IN HELL.' Wow. Chill."
"Take about twenty percent off that."
"Jump ahead to Betty trying to get ready for her 'date', her friend date with Archie, Kevin
is there and he's just sitting there like 'So girl.
You gonna ride that tonight?'"
"Well, he was already established as the gay best friend character."
"Kevin has managed to be gayer here than in the comics.
They go to the Chocklit Shoppe -" "Pop's."
"Yeah! Betty and Archie, they go to Pop's Chocklit Shoppe.
Veronica shows up, freshly moved from New York because her dad got arrested."
"Embezzlement, apparently he's like...one of those Wallstreet guys like Bernie Madoff
or whatever."
"So Veronica walks in dressed in her all black with her pearls, comes in SLOW MOTION WITH
HER COAT BILLOWING BEHIND HER" "IT'S A CLOAK!"
"LIKE THE QUEEN OF THE VAMPIRES!"
"Dark lipstick and all."
"Meanwhile Betty is trying to talk to Archie about maybe becoming more than friends, and
Archie is just like 'uh-huh, uh-huh, ahhhh'."
"You can see right there, Betty is just going 'why am I even attracted to you'."
"Archie just, like, allows Veronica to ingratiate herself into the group, and she's like - she's
super nice!"
"Yeah!"
"Veronica's the nicest character on the show!"
"Yeah, and apparently Veronica's into Truman Capote." "Heavily."
"Yeah, which, you know what? Cool. I was a pretentious fifteen year old too.
I was reading Shogun."
"They jump ahead to the first day of school, Archie is trying to balance being on the football
team, helping out his dad at work, and becoming the music guy."
"Of the white guy with guitar..."
"Early 2000s Canadian folk."
"Yeah, it's not City and Colour.
I know you're trying to go for Dallas Green, but you're not Dallas Green."
"So first he goes to Josie of Josie and the Pussycats, and she immediately goes into beat
poetry mode, it's like - they didn't go for sassy."
"Slam poetry! There was an actual metre to it!"
"And then...what happened after that."
"There was the whole trying to talk to Ms. Grundy thing."
"Oh yeah."
*various disgusted noises*
"Archie banged Ms. Grundy. They did the do."
"It wasn't even a subtle, like, oh maybe they did, maybe they didn't? No.
She rolls up in her beetle like 'you need a ride in this heat?'"
"Wink."
"He's like 'uh, ok', and then immediately goes to them banging in the beetle.
And remember in the comics Ms. Grundy is an old school teacher!"
"I remember there was an episode of Archie's Weird Mysteries where all the adults got turned
into teenagers, and she got together with Reggie."
*sighs* "So there's precedent."
"Oh god! There is precedent!
But anyways, at first I was like okay, maybe she actually regrets the...statutory rape...but
then it comes out like, no, she doesn't wanna be seen with him because she doesn't want
people to find out they heard a gunshot on the day Jason died."
"Well there's also the fact that they were on a date."
"They were on a straight up picnic."
"So then Betty and Veronica were hanging out."
"Then Kevin storms in and Veronica's like 'oh thank god!
The homosexual is here!' That's almost exactly what she says!" "Yeah!
Well she's probably assuming everyone is boring, and coming from New York...anyway Kevin drops
in and does all that, then he drops the whole 'Oh!
You're Veronica Lodge!
I heard about your dad!' and Veronica's like...thanks."
"We find out Betty and Cheryl have beef because Betty's sister dated Cheryl's brother, and
it was badness." "Yeah, a lotta badness.
And of course, Cheryl's gotta be a big bitch about this -" "The biggest bitch!"
"You know, I'm just gonna say it, she seems like a psychopath.
She would so fit in with the cast of How To Get Away with Murder."
"Yeah, this show is basically How To Get Away With Gingers."
"Hah!
All the gingers."
"All the Gingers!
Veronica and Betty do some really shitty cheerleading and Cheryl's like 'I need fire' and Veronica's
like 'uh, well, me and Betty will now make out for your titillation!'"
"And Cheryl's like 'oh, that was so '94'. And Cheryl's sitting on a fucking throne!
They're not being subtle about the whole queen bee thing.
At least in Bring it On, like, the girls were sitting at a desk with shitty chairs."
"Cheryl's basically 'I'm rich, and my brother is dead, which means I am now the queen.
I have appointed myself god-empress of Riverdale'."
"'I am now Cersei Lannister without having to cut my hair'.
I'm pretty sure she did bone Jason, so she is effectively Cersei."
"Well and the whole Blossom family seems fucked up because later, at the semi-formal she's
like 'and now in memory of Jason, Josie and the Pussycats will now perform the song that
my parents were listening to when we were conceived."
*suppressed giggles*
"I don't know how people could dance to that!
If this were a normal high school thing, you would hear a record screech, SILENCE!"
"Can you believe that the kiss is not the gayest thing that Veronica does?
Because after that they get onto the Riverdale Cheer Squad and Veronica tenderly zips up
Betty's cheerleading outfit, and then she holds her by the shoulders and is like 'how
does it feel to be a vixen?'
She's totally in lesbians with Betty."
"Screw Archie!"
"They're emotionally fucking already.
What else happens at the dance?
Kevin barges in and runs up to Betty like 'hey guess what?
Moose has a big dick'.
And then runs away again."
"Yeah, so apparently Moose - he isn't out of the closet and he hasn't accepted the fact
that he's gay yet, but he's probably gay."
"I'm holding out for Bi Moose, too."
"After the dance there's the after party because Cheryl - she even has minions!
She has two girls dressed all in black winging her when she says 'I'm in the mood for chaos'."
"Cheryl's afterparty -" "Of course there's seven minutes in heaven." "Of course.
Veronica and Archie get stuck in the closet together."
"And instead of being normal people and awkwardly standing together playing whatever,
solitaire or something on their phones."
"To be fair, they try and just get to know each other, and Veronica spends - of the seven
minutes I think she spends six minutes and fifteen seconds trying to get Archie to get with Betty."
"And Archie's just like 'you're hot! Let's kiss'."
"And Veronica eventually gives in, and immediately regrets it."
"Which is actually good on her."
"Everything she does before the kiss and everything after is just with Betty's self-confidence
in mind, basically.
After that it ends pretty quickly.
Archie finds Betty and is like 'I can't love you the way you want me to!'
And then he finds Jughead sitting in a booth at pops and being emo with his novel."
"Trying to be so deep with his novel."
"He finds Jug being none more goth...the writing of that convo was so stilted,
I don't even know what they're talking about.
I think they're talking about their falling out, but it sounds like Jug also had a crush
on Archie?"
"So, yeah, in the end Kevin and Moose, they're trying to do the do.
They get out of the car, they're like 'let's start with Skinny Dipping' -" "And then Kevin
trips over a corpse.
He takes it pretty well!
*laughter*
He trips over him, and he's like 'oh my God, Jason, he's been shot!'
Whereas we'd be going" AAAAHHHH GOD!
"I hate when, y'know, I go out into the woods to have sex with a closeted guy and I trip
over a corpse."
*laughter* "So that's, that's pretty much the pilot, and over all I thought it was pretty good.
It was way better than people - way better than I thought it was gonna be."
"Yeah, not so melodramatic, trying to be How To Get Away with Murder."
"Yeah, is it like the Emmy-award winning newest -" "Oh god no.
This is trashy."
"But so far, really the main character is Veronica."
"Yeah! She's the one with personality and is actually doing stuff.
But yeah, this is not comic book Archie."
"It's not anything to write home about, but it's good.
It's fun. I'm excited to keep going.
We're gonna try and do these weekly recaps every week.
We're gonna try and do these weekly recaps weekly!
But yeah, that's...what happened...in a little town called Riverdale.
And we'll find out what happens with this weird mystery next week."
"Did'ja get it?"
"I got it." "It's a weird mystery!"
"I know." "Archie's Weird Mystery!"
"I know, I remember watching it." "Okay."
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