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How to recognize a toxic relationship that's what I'm gonna be talking about
today. I'm gonna give you ten red flags to recognize and four ways to detox the
relationship. I'm Dr. Tracey Marks a psychiatrist and
this channel is about mental health education and self-improvement. I publish
videos every week so if you don't want to miss one click subscribe. This
information is not just for your relationship with your partner it could
be anyone with whom you're close and who takes up space in your life. A boyfriend,
sister, mother, and since we all have faults how can you tell when you need to
accept someone's flaws or when you're overlooking a serious issue. People do
change after all as they mature so it's not completely unreasonable to think
that someone can change their behavior. But there are some behaviors and
attitudes that just don't change much with time. At least not without
professional help and because they're a part of the person's personality. So here
are a list of some behaviors that I think you should not overlook or ignore
and just think that they'll go away with time. And also these are not transient
behaviors that only pop up when someone's going through a bad patch.
These are behaviors or attitudes that persist over time regardless of the
circumstances. So number one chronic anger. The anger can take the form of
blow ups, irritability, moodiness and this is not just due to depression
or anxiety. In this case, the person uses anger to control so you find yourself
tiptoeing around their anger. And you measure what you do because you don't
want to make them angry. Number two chronic sarcasm. This is really just a
disguised form of anger. Number three disparaging humor. And this is similar to
sarcasm. Sarcasm is wit with bitterness behind it and here the person
is always putting something or someone down but in a joking way.
Number four having a punitive mindset. Feeling as though people deserve the bad
things that happen to them or idiots deserve to lose. Here's another example
suppose I blow up at you and call you this or that and then you get upset and
then I say "well sorry I hurt your feelings but you push my buttons. You
shouldn't push my buttons." That's not an apology because what I'm really saying
is I'm not, I mean yeah I don't like it you got upset sort, of but you deserved
my wrath for being stupid. That's a punitive mindset. Number five a
controlling nature. Here's an example of this. Suppose I tell you I don't think
you look good in purple and then I see you out somewhere and you're wearing
purple and I get angry because after all if you really cared about me you
wouldn't wear purple. Because I told you you don't look good in it so wearing
that shirt means that you don't value my opinion and you don't really care about
me at all. And your response is well of course I care about you. I won't wear the
shirt again I'm so sorry. Now you have to think twice every
morning when you look in your closet to make sure you're not going to put on
something that I said I didn't like and that invalidates me. That's controlling.
Number six excessive insecurity. This is where the
person needs you to reassure them constantly. They can also need you to
agree with them. Do what they say, do it their way,
etc. Because if you don't, then they don't feel good about themselves and they'll
blame you for that. Number seven: extremely opinionated. And this is a
disguised form of someone who's judgmental and usually with judgment
comes criticism. Number eight: the manipulator. And how do they do this they
may use guilt to make you do things by using a lot of if-then statements. So if
like I used in the previous example, if you really cared about me then you'd do
this. If you hear them using a lot of if-thens,
that's an indication or sign that they're trying to manipulate you. They
also don't take no for an answer and they try and get you to change your mind
a lot. A subtle way they can try and get you to change your mind is by making the
same request of you over and over and asking why. So you've already told them
no. You don't want to do something they want you to do. They keep asking you "so
why don't you want to do this?" So as an example, let's say I tell you I'd like
you to move in with me and you don't want to. You've already told me no and
then I get my place together. Well why won't you move in with me? And you say oh
I just I don't want a Shack. I don't believe in shacking. Shacking where do
you get that from? That's your parents talking that's not you and I say all
these things and shoot down your - your reasoning.That conversation goes away. We
have the same conversation I bring it up again well why won't you? I got this nice
place why won't you move in with me? Come on move in with me and then after a
while it just gets to where you feel like you got a re-craft your answer over
and over you don't have another way of saying it. I've talked you down every
time you gave your answer. So at some point, you finally get to the place where
you're like, well I guess I don't really have a good reason okay. And then I've
won. That's manipulation. Number nine:
predominant self-centeredness. These are people who take more than they give and
they still may give, but only after they feel satisfied that their needs have
been fully met before they give back to someone else. And even when they do give
of themselves, it's easy for them to feel like they've given too much and then
feel exploited and taken advantage of. And they'll blame you for that. So
sometimes it doesn't even feel good to get something from this person because
you know there's going to be a price to pay on the back end when they blame you
for taking advantage of them. The number 10 and the last red negative flag here
is the need to always be on the offense. They have a worldview that people will
always try and stick it to you unless you get yours first. So they always have
to get over in some way. For every transaction
they have to be on the upside. If you grew up around someone who did these
kind of things, you may find yourself being attracted to similar people even
though you don't like their behavior. Because even objectionable behavior can
feel familiar and comfortable at some level. What if you're already involved in
a toxic relationship? Here are four suggestions on how to
detox it. Number one: take a break from your interactions with the person. You
need to give yourself time to reflect on what bothers you about the relationship.
How do you feel when you're away from the person? How much do you miss them?
What do you miss about the person? Here you're getting some clarity on the
negatives and the positives of the relationship. Number two: create emotional
distance. And this is really the key to disentangling from toxic relationships.
Think about how much closeness is necessary. Is this person in your life
your spouse? If so, then you should get professional help to help improve the
relationship. But aside from that you still need to pull back ever so slightly.
And this isn't to say that you should be cold to your spouse but suppose your
wife is cynical and critical and this has beaten you down over the years. To
protect your self-esteem, you're gonna need to give her opinion less weight so
that you don't internalize her every negative opinion of you. And even in the
closest relationships, you still have to maintain your own thoughts and ideas and
independence from your spouse. Now you may say I don't want to keep secrets
from my husband. This isn't about keeping secrets. Even though you're married, you
still have separate minds and it's okay to have some thoughts that are your own
and and no one else's. Your thoughts don't have to merge into one big thought
bank and then both of you just dip out of the bank to know what's going on. But
what if the person with whom you have this toxic relationship as your parent?
Then you have to come to grips and accept that you're just not going to
have an intimate relationship with your parent and this is a hard pill to
swallow. Everyone wants at some base level to have a close relationship with
their parent. But people are people. People are flawed individuals and
sometimes it's just not possible to have that emotional intimacy that at least at
the level that you think you should especially based on what we see in
society of kind of the perfect relationships. Once you come to that
realization, you pull back as far as you need to in order to maintain whatever
relationship is logistically necessary. You just you interact at a minimal level
so you don't let their opinions define you. Number three suggestion look at your
contribution. What are you doing to keep the drama going? Are you picking fights
with your partner and provoking him to lose it? Are you treating your mom the
same way she treats you just to get back at her? We usually stay in toxic
relationships for a reason, even if it's a twisted reason. And once you recognize
how you're perpetuating the problem, look to change the behavior and see how it
impacts the relationship. A lot of times when you address your own issue within
that relationship, things start to break down
in the relationship naturally because you're a different person. And that dyad
that kept going before isn't clicking and working anymore because you're not
playing your role anymore. Number four: get professional help.
Serious marital and family problems usually call for some form of counseling.
You need an objective person to see both sides of the problem and if it's a
relationship outside of your marriage, then you work with your own therapist to
see how you can recognize your your blind spots and recognize your
contribution to the problem. Your personal therapist or coach can
understand you and help give you some more specific information on how to
handle the toxic relationship. That's it for me. That seemed really long. It might
just be because of talking about all that negativity. But there is light at
the end of the tunnel and you don't have to stay enmeshed in a
negative relationship. Oh and I almost forgot. I made an affirmation meditation
video that goes along with this video today. So I'll put a link in the corner
for you check it out. If you know someone who could use this information please
share this video. I'd like to hear your comments too I do respond to comments
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