$17.52.
That settles my back taxes for '59 and '60.
- That does it. - Gougers, all of you.
- Gougers! - Don't tell it to me. I make 60 bucks a week here.
- Go ahead, lady. I can wait. - Oh, thank you.
Is this where you give the money in?
Excuse me. Is this where you give the money in?
Let me see your form, miss.
I mean, did you make out a form? I mean, where are your papers?
Oh. This is the only paper that I thought was necessary.
Oh, I can't take your check without the regular 1040 form.
It's to be sure it's the correct amount according to your return.
Well, this isn't according to any return. It's just money.
I wanna give it to the government.
Well, this is very irregular.
First of all, this is the Department of Internal Revenue and...
Oh, I get it.
April fool. Next!
- No, please. - Next!
And... And I went to see the head clerk...
and then the assistant to the Secretary of Treasury...
and then the Secretary of Treasury...
But...
but when I insisted on seeing the president...
they insisted I come to see you!
Dr. Svenson...
do you think I'm crazy too?
The... The name is "Steffanson"...
Victor Steffanson...
and, um... and we never use that word around here.
Now, Mrs. Benson, you just take one of these and try to relax. Here.
You know, Mrs...
Aaah! Pink!
Pink. They're pink pills!
- My husband was pink! I can't take a pink pill! - Ju-Just crunch it.
Crunch it right down. Th-That's right. That's right.
Uh, Mrs. Benson...
You are obviously the victim of some inner disturbance...
in which, well, for the want of a better word...
your guilts have led you to a state of fantasy...
in which, um, "A,"
you are burdened with some fantastic wealth...
and... and "B," you are eager to rid yourself of it...
as in the ancient ritual of exorcising some dybbuk or, uh, evil spirit.
- Now, now, now, now. Now, this is normal.
Excuse me.
Yes. Please don't... What?
Oh, yes. Put him on, please.
Oh, hello, Fred. Uh-huh. You investigated. And?
F- Fred. Th-The check is good?
Uh-huh. Yes.
Uh-huh. Thank you, Fred.
I have the strangest tingling sensation in my...
my toes.
Are you all right?
What?
- Uh, w-what happened? - Well, "A," you fainted and "B," I poured water on you.
I'm terribly sorry, but I didn't know what else to do.
No, it-it's all right. You did the right thing.
Um, do you faint often?
Oh, just once in a while.
It's the shock of realization whenever I've been dead wrong about something.
The fainting is, um, running away, as it were...
from the reality that I'm not...
I'm not infallible.
Y- You see, it's been the pattern of my life...
from the time I was a...
Wait a minute. What is this?
Who's doing what to who... or whom?
Mrs. Benson, you are a young woman...
who is apparently worth in the neighborhood of... $200 million!
And for some incredible reason, you wanna give it to the government!
Y- You don't need a psychiatrist. You need your head examined.
- Now, out of my office! Out! - No, Dr. Steffanson.
- Out of my office! - You said something a minute ago...
that was very understanding and true.
I never heard it expressed before. But I want your help.
- Mrs... - Oh, please!
Ah, yes.
Yes, the oath I took forbids me to turn away from a cry for help.
S- Sit down, Mrs. Benson.
Oh! It was what you said about my wanting to get rid of my money...
like exorcising some evil spirit.
- Ah, yes. - Dr. Steffanson.
- Mm-hmm? - I think I may be some kind of a witch.
Oh-ho-ho. Come, come now, Mrs. Benson.
This is the 19th centur... er, uh, 20th century.
No! Really! Every man whose life I touch withers.
Really? Uh, Mrs...
Mrs. Benson, please, just turn over and... and try to relax.
Go right ahead.
Well, I was born Louisa May Foster...
in the small town of Crawleyville, Ohio.
Oh, I can't understand it. I never wanted money.
All I ever wanted was to lead a simple life...
with one man to love and to love me.
A simple life somewhere in a little cottage...
that's all I ever wanted ever since I was a little girl with my mother and father.
Oh, your mother. What was your mother like?
Mother? Well...
Mother kept Daddy and me clean, neat as a pin, and took us to church every Sunday.
So now I say unto you, love thy neighbor as thyself.
'Tis better to give than to receive.
Money is the root of all evil.
Mother even had embroidered these very sentiments...
on samplers for our living room at home.
But we were poor, and Mother found it hard to live up to these ideas.
Good day, Mrs. Jenkins.
Sherman, did you see Emily Jenkins?
That slob smothered in a mink cape.
I hate her guts!
Look what I've got.
Her husband was a shipping clerk 15 years ago, same as you.
Now look at him. Look at you. Where's your drive? Where's your ambition?
That's what counts in this world... Success! Money!
Success! Money! President of the Nice Fellows Club!
Money! Success! Get to the top!
Money! Success! Money! Money, money, money!
As the years went by...
I saw my dear, sweet Daddy dwindle away under this...
till you practically didn't know he was there.
I began to understand what Mother really meant by those samplers.
You play your cards right and we'll have more money than we need.
But, Mother, money isn't everything!
I know Leonard Crawley owns Crawley's Emporium...
and three quarters of the property in Crawleyville...
but I'm not gonna marry him just because he's the richest man in town.
He's a sneak and a bore and a drag...
and, oh, he's been with every girl there is...
and besides, I don't love him!
- There's no such thing as love! - He's a snob!
He's ashamed of you and where we live.
Why, he won't even walk in this house when he comes to call for me.
I wouldn't come in here either, if I didn't have to.
Louisa, you turned out real beautiful.
You have something to sell. Take a mother's advice. Sell it now!
- There's Leonard. You better hurry. - No, I'm not going!
How dare you turn down a man like Leonard Crawley!
I tell you he has money. You go and get it!
Leonard was waiting.
I thought over everything he had to offer.
The Crawley home, the Crawley stables...
Crawley's department store...
but then there was Leonard himself.
Leonard Crawley was, um...
Hmm. How shall I say it?
Well, that's not fair, I guess.
He was just Leonard Crawley, son of wealth.
Put 'er right down next to mine, baby.
- Gee, I wish I'd said that. - Aw, you can use it anytime you want.
Just give credit to Crawley.
That's more than Crawley ever did for anyone else in this town.
Oh, by the way, you better let your mom know...
that the payment's due on her refrigerator.
Don't let her get the idea that 'cause we're getting married...
I'm gonna let her off the hook.
Oh, no, no. By the way, she couldn't be your real mother.
She must've been left on your front doorstep...
one stormy night in a cage.
Why are you so intent on marrying me...
when it's perfectly obvious I'm indifferent to you...
and all of the so-called advantages you have to offer?
That's just it, baby. You're the only girl in town...
who doesn't throw herself in front of me in the mud and scream, "Take me."
You know, you suggest good breeding.
Heaven knows where you got it from.
But, uh, also you'll produce me an heir...
and, uh, then my mother will stop nagging me...
about carrying on the Crawley tradition.
- Any better reason than that for getting married, huh?
- Hmm? - How about love?
Love? Well, let me put it this way, honey.
I'm very rich and you're very poor.
And sooner or later, you're gonna come around.
Mm. You know the indifference I felt?
Hmm?
Well, it's beginning to change.
- It's beginning to blossom into complete contempt.
What'd I tell you, honey?
I told you you were gonna come around sooner or later.
I gotta pick up the 6:00 town news from my store manager.
Mm. The Crawley gestapo.
Ohhh, yes.
Huh? Oh, that eyesore.
The only spot in town we don't own.
But it's just a matter of time before old Hopper will come around.
Just like you, baby.
Good afternoon, Mr. Crawley, Miss Foster. Nice weather we're having.
- All right. Make it fast, Driscoll. - Yes, sir.
Mrs. Willoughby was five minutes late getting back from the doctor's today.
- Oh. Five dollars fine off her salary. - Yes, sir.
Hopper sent back the answer to your latest bid on his property.
It's still "no." He says he doesn't want to make money.
He just wants to keep his little place as it is.
Edgar Hopper.
I haven't run into him since high school.
Hmm. I wonder how many days I'd get for manslaughter.
In Crawleyville, they wouldn't even fine you, sir.
- Hi, Lenny. - Edgar, you better watch where you're going.
Yeah, you're right, Lenny. I was looking at the sun.
- Aren't you angry? - Why should I be angry? It was my fault.
- Then maybe we could fight. - There's no sense in doing that, Lenny.
You'd kick the heck out of me... all that football and golf and tennis and everything.
You're a real winner, Lenny.
What are you, an orthodox coward?
No, Lenny, I just believe in passive resistance.
Oh. A Mahatma Hopper, I presume.
No, as a matter of fact, Gandhi and I both got it from this guy... Henry Thoreau.
You're all covered with mud, Edgar!
Oh. I mean, Mr. Hopper.
Louisa... Louisa Foster, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm. - Hey, I haven't seen you since Mrs. Pritchard's class.
Hey, you've grown... or maybe I shrunk.
He wouldn't be covered with all this mud...
if he'd let the town pave that piece of road...
in front of his property like anybody else.
It costs too much, Lenny.
For what you Crawleys charge for a bag of cement, this town oughta be paved with gold.
Thanks, Lenny. Hey, I gotta be going.
- I don't wanna keep those trout waiting. - See you.
Uh, don't grow any more, Miss Foster.
You're just right now. Good-bye.
Bye.
- Oh! - Hello. Imagine finding you here.
I just happened to be swimming by.
Well, you scared the fish away.
You could pull me in. I am full grown... you said so yourself.
- Thank you. - Sit down.
Here. Put this on.
Thanks. Did you catch any?
Well, yeah. Three, including you.
I'll cook them for you.
My clothes are right down there.
Do you have anything to cook them in?
Well, my baronial estate's right over there.
- Is that where you live? - Yeah. I...
It's kind of on the simple side. I know.
Simple. Yes.
"Oh, our lives are frittered away by detail.
Simplify, simplify."
What did you say?
- "Our lives are frittered away... - "by detail.
Simplify, simplify."
A girl who can quote Thoreau!
Oh, I couldn't quote him before I went to the library this morning.
I'd never even heard of him before yesterday.
Wh... Uh, you mean you didn't swim by my boat just by accident?
No.
Gee.
What is the future Mrs. Leonard Crawley doing here anyway?
Well, now, whatever gave you that idea about me?
Well, I don't know. Everybody in town takes it for granted.
You are engaged to him, aren't you?
Well, he takes it for granted.
Tsk. Ohhh.
But, Edgar...
as far back as I can remember...
in grammar school, in Mrs. Pritchard's class...
you know, when I sat in front of you?
I wished that I had had long pigtails so you could stick them in the inkwell.
Did you really?
I'm not gonna marry Leonard Crawley.
Of course, he'll never understand anyone turning him down.
Especially for you.
Louisa! You...
You mean you'd take this...
instead of all that?
But, Louisa, I've got... nothing.
I'll... I'll always have nothing.
- I'll always be nothing. - Edgar, that's what I want... nothing.
To quote me and not Thoreau...
I love you.
Oh, Louisa.
I'll make you happy. I'll never work hard.
I'll never make good. I swear it!
It's true, Mother. I've married Edgar Hopper.
Whereas Mother received the news of my marriage to Edgar...
with ill-disguised displeasure...
Leonard took the news in his stride.
For a while, Edgar and I led an idyllic life.
He went off to the store a couple of hours a week...
but the rest of the time belonged to us.
As I look back on it, I see our life together as a wonderful old silent movie.
Oh, I'll have this leak fixed in no time.
Well, that ol' water tank always gave a lot of trouble.
I'm going down to the store one of these days...
and get some chicken wire and fix these springs.
- You can do almost anything with chicken wire. - I sure do love chicken wire.
- Leonard. - If you're thinking of running something up for dinner...
I'd be pleased to stay.
- Hello, Leonard. - Hi. Hi.
If it isn't the happy Hoppers at home. I've been all over the world.
This is the first chance I've had to come over and see you lovebirds.
You know, I saw the Taj Mahal by moonlight, Louisa?
- Hmm. - Oh, but I envy you... here.
- What's that, uh, camera for? - Oh. I'm doing a documentary.
Slum conditions in, uh, Crawleyville.
- Ahhh. - Oh, come now, Leonard.
You needn't be such a sore loser.
Well, you gave me up for all this, and I can understand it, you know?
A nice roof under your feet, rain a-face at night...
all the grass you can eat.
Hey, Leonard, get outta here before I twist your head off like a turnip.
Well, is this the voice of passive resistance speaking?
No, just get out of here.
Oh! Oh, Louisa, you all right?
- Ohhh! - Oh!
Well, another innovation for modern living, huh?
Instant shower for milady.
- Well, well. - I'm afraid I'm not a bit handy, Edgar.
Oh, no, but you are handy.
I could use you at the store doing odd jobs...
and I'd pay you and you could be earning a living.
- My wife doesn't have to work! I'm sorry. - Aaah!
Ohhh.
Uh, let me...
Ed. Seriously, Ed. Why don't you come down this afternoon...
and sell me that piece of property of yours?
Uh, someone could do something with it...
not you, of course, but, uh, someone.
- I said to get outta here. Get outta here! - All right, all right.
I will. I'm gettin' out. Sorry to have barged in on you kids like this...
but I'll send a Christmas basket.
What's the matter, darling?
Oh, nothing. I... think I'll go down to the store...
for a little while this afternoon.
But you were there just 10 days ago!
Well, it's got that chicken wire I want...
and, uh, some nails.
You know, it's end of summer.
People come home from vacation. Somebody might want something.
Uh, well, I'll be back.
But he never really did come back...
not the Edgar Hopper I knew.
When he hadn't returned by the next day, I hurried into town.
Hop, hop into Hopper's. The lowest prices in town.
Unlimited credit. This is the biggest sale in the history of our county.
Don't crawl to Crawley's, folks. Hop, hop to Hopper's.
I guarantee you 10% off because we've no air conditioning.
This is it, folks. Right here on Main Street.
Hop, hop to Hopper's. We undersell everybody.
Come right in, folks. Instant credit.
If we haven't got it, we'll get it for you, folks.
Don't crawl to Crawley's. Hop, hop to Hopper's.
So all you shop... Louisa.
- What is all this? - Hopper's Taj Mahal, honey, and it's all for you.
Listen, Louisa, when that snake rattled into our house, something snapped.
But where have you been? Why didn't you come home?
There you were, mending the roof... my wife!
Hop, hop, hop, you shoppers. Hop to Hopper's.
Honey, I wanna get you things... dresses and things for the house...
- a house! - But I like our house.
What is it that makes a family...
go to the same store over and over and no place else?
Well, I don't know. Free eats, free toys for the kiddies.
That's it! We'll stuff'em and then we'll sell 'em.
- Hop, hop, hop, you shoppers! Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's!
Come on, honey. Let me show you around.
Hey, you kids. Get up on there and keep with the "Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's."
- Eddie, this is wonderful. - Oh, thanks, folks.
- Terrific. - Thanks for coming.
- There's more bargains than that. Okay. - We'll be back, Eddie.
- Some buys, Eddie. - Edgar, uh...
- Congratulations, Eddie. - Oh, thanks. The prices are low, the goods are right...
so come to Hopper's from morn till night.
- We'll be back. - No kidding. We're open till 10:00 every night.
- How's it going there, folks? Those are all on sale. - Oh, great.
- Edgar, when will we ever see each other? - Huh?
Honey, as soon as this thing gets going, we'll have more time together than ever.
But we had all our time together before.
- What about Thoreau? - Thoreau?
You don't want to "keep pace" like all the others. You heard "a different drummer," remember?
Oh, yeah. I hear a different drummer, all right.
And the music I hear says, "Hop, hop, Eddie.
Hop, hop."
Well, it looks like we've got him at last, Driscoll.
Have we? The people seem to be eating it up.
Anybody'll run to look at a freak.
I figure I give him three months and he'll hop, hop himself right into oblivion.
<i><i>Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's <i><i>
<i> Hop, hop, hop, hop to Hopper's <i>
<i> Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's, Hop <i><i>
For-Forgive me, sir, but we really must advertise.
We must, huh? You're fired!
- Merry Christmas and a hop, hop, "hoppy" new year!
Merry Christmas...
and a hop, hop, "hoppy" new year!
- I really bought a lot of stuff. - I think you bought out the store.
And it's no trouble at all, Mrs. Freeman. No trouble.
If you can't leave Hopper's, Hopper's leaves with you.
Hey, Ned, you drop Mrs. Freeman off on your way home, okay?
Okay, boss.
Oh, thank you, Edgar, and Merry Christmas.
- Edgar. - Be right with you, lady. Merry Christmas, Mrs. Freeman!
Edgar.
Oh, hi, honey! Excuse me. I gotta get back.
But, Edgar, aren't you coming home soon?
Ooh, I'm sorry, Louisa. We're staying open till midnight tonight.
- What's the matter? - Nothing.
I'm just a little lonely, that's all.
What? In that big beautiful new house, lonely?
I'm the only one who's ever in it.
Edgar, it's Christmas.
But, yes, and Christmas is business... big business.
You're working entirely too hard, darling.
Honey, by this time next year, we'll be so rich we can take a real vacation.
- Italy? - Italy.
- Merry Christmas! - Besides, what's the matter with work?
- A little hard work never killed anybody. - Merry Christmas...
- Hi there. - And a hop, hop, "hoppy" new year.
Edgar's hard work included hitting out...
with every modern sales device known to man...
- And Crawleyville was his captive audience.
We were millionaires overnight.
Darling, I've checked the hotels in Rome...
and I have the reservations for our vacation.
I'm sorry, honey. That'll have to wait till next year.
- Next year? - Yes, next year.
In the meantime, get yourself a couple of art books...
and a box of spaghetti.
Oh! You liar! You cheat!
- You deceived me! - Deceived you?
What, you think I got a blond tootsie on the side or something?
Oh! I just wish you had!
At least then I'd know you were relaxing!
Ohhh.
Oh! You don't even have any feelings anymore.
When we got married, you promised for better or for worse...
that you'd never make good, that you'd always be nothing!
Well, look at us! We're so rich we never even see each other anymore.
Edgar! You're "frittering away your life in detail. Simplify, simplify."
Simplify schmimmplify! A little hard work never killed anybody.
Edgar was bewitched like the sorcerer's apprentice.
- He couldn't stop. - Get me 300,000 feet of rust-proof chicken wire.
What is with our order...
on the Mother Goose atomic disintegrator kit?
No, make 'em think they can't live without doorknobs that light up in the dark. Think big!
Our musical mop which plays "Let Me Call You Sweetheart, I'm in Love with You,"
is a marketing failure.
Get something happier like "Star and Stripes Forever" to guarantee musical mop-up.
So it is just a simple equation!
Service quotient "X" plus condensation-atmospheric quotient "Y"...
plus smile-and-affability quotient "X"...
show in the last three months a sales gain line...
that has hop, hop, hopped right off the lousy board!
In short, boys, we are becoming, by the figures...
the big, bigger, biggest!
Uh, "In re yours of the 23rd, I am impatiently awaiting your order."
Uh, "Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."
"There can be no delays. If you insist on delaying, you can always be replaced.
Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."
"Since your delivery service has not been quick enough...
"we are terminating our agreement with you.
Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."
"I'd like all those folders rushed out to the entire mailing list by Monday.
Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."
"Order canceled. We asked you for goods, you gave us promises.
Hastily yours," uh, "Edgar Hopper."
"All the displays in all the branch stores must be changed daily and rotated.
Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."
"That is my final word on the subject. Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."
"I've got to have 10,000 bedsprings at once.
"Hostilely yours, Edgar Haper... Heaver... " uh, "Hop... "
Uh, uh, "Hastily yours, the hop head,"
uh, "Hastily yours, the Boss."
All right. I'd like that all in triplicate right away.
Mr. Hopper, no one can work like this. The pace, it's too fast.
W- We're not machines. We're human beings.
There is no place here for anyone who cannot keep up with the pace of modern living.
You are fired.
Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's. Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's.
Yes? It happened!
Get me my house, quick!
You just closed the deal? My wife! Hurry!
Leonard Crawley just handed over the keys.
Louisa. Louisa! Louisa!
- Hello. - Louisa, it happened.
- What's happened? - The next time you walk down Main Street...
there won't be any Crawley's there.
It's gonna say "Hopper's." Louisa, I did it!
I wiped him out! He's through in this town!
I guess that's what you wanted, isn't it?
Oh, I got what I wanted. And I got money, wealth, success, position.
And next year, this town is gonna be called Hopperville.
And how'd I get all these things? Through work.
Just good hard work.
Which all goes to prove...
that a little hard work never killed anybody.
"And outside of the bequest...
"of one roll of chicken wire to Leonard Crawley...
"I bequeath my entire fortune and worldly goods...
to my wife, Louisa May Foster Hopper."
Edgar had left me approximately $2 million...
in cash and securities.
And as Thoreau probably never said, that's a lot of lettuce.
But, uh, my dear...
you... you mustn't think that this, in any way, makes you a witch.
Oh, of course, it is tragic that Edgar died...
but one swallow doesn't make a summer.
Your, uh, behavior sounds exemplary to say the least, the very least.
Oh, why did Edgar change that way?
Oh, normal. Quite normal.
You see, he was the, uh... the weakest of the tribe...
who had somehow won the prize... you...
without really having had to fight for you.
Uh, latent feelings of inadequacy lay dormant...
until he was triggered by Leonard parading before you in his rich, many-colored feathers.
Edgar, naturally, felt impelled to get even more feathers...
and driven by this ego drive, he smothered in his own, uh, feathers.
It happens every day, you know.
Tell me, um, what happened to the other feather...
or, uh, fellow, this, uh, Leonard?
I never heard from him again.
- Dr. Steffanson... Aaah! Aaah! - Oh!
Oh! Oh! Louisa!
I'm sorry. Just relax! Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
There. Now, please, please, ju-just relax.
- Mm. Yes. - Try to relax.
Uh, y-you were saying about, uh, Leonard. Leonard.
W- Where did Leonard go?
Uh, well...
he just walked away like a plucked chicken.
Uh-huh. Normal. Quite... Quite normal.
Yeah. Well, I...
I put all the money in the bank and...
- I gave the house to Mama. - Uh-huh.
Then I took a small allowance for myself and I got out of Crawleyville.
Mm-hmm.
I took a trip to Europe alone, to Paris.
I wanted to forget...
and I was determined never to marry again.
The bus tours were thrilling and exhausting.
Place de la, uh...
des jardins de...
Ohhh.
- "Est-ce que... " - I ain't got all day, lady. Where do you wanna go?
- Oh. You speak English. - All of us foreigners do. It's compulsory.
You American?
Nah, lady, I'm a Russian spy for the C.I.A.
Well, what'll it be, huh...
go to the American ghetto at the bar at the Georges Cinq...
or go visit some of your phony friends...
learning about life at Les Deux Magots?
Well, frankly, I'd like to do either, but, uh, I don't know anybody here.
Well?
Oh. Well.
Uh, well, I think I'd like to see some more pictures.
I've just been through the Louvre, and that was wonderful.
The Louvre. Now, what is that? It's the garbage pail of the arts.
Et vous! Allez, allez!
Démarrez!
Well, uh, how about the show at the Galeries Lafayette?
That's a department store, lady...
but I'd rather hang up one of their face towels than some of that other junk.
Listen, I'm sure you're an expert taxi driver...
and I don't mean to belittle your profession...
but why should I listen to your opinion on art?
Because I happen to be one of five people today...
who could definitely be called an artist.
Maybe six, including Frieda.
- Who's Frieda? - A chimpanzee on my block.
Oh, that's great. That's great.
I mean, you see a technique like that, it just wipes you out.
- I go ape! - Uh, what is it?
What is it? Innocence!
Van Gogh had it, but, uh, then he had to chop his ear off...
in order to free himself.
- Free himself from what? - Intellectual hang-up.
You know, if we could all do that, go back to a life like that...
uncluttered, unhung...
simple.
- Oh. - Well, Frieda had the best teacher in the world, you know.
- Rene Carrere there. - Ohhh.
I'm very happy to meet you, Mr. Carrere. I'm Louisa May Hopper.
You don't look anything like the Emile Desjardins it said you are in your cab.
The name is Larry Flint.
I just take Emile's cab out for him once a year... the day his wife has a baby.
Frieda is finished now.
It's a masterpiece!
Boy! Look at the line!
And the color and the sweep and the texture.
Marvelous!
A testament to the human spirit!
Total primitive articulation!
- Mwah! - Does Frieda's work sell?
Sell? You think Frieda cares whether her work sells?
You think I care whether my work sells?
Typical American yardstick... the eternal buck! That's why I left the place.
Well, Mr. Flint, I was only asking. Um...
Aaah! What's that?
She's at it again.
Aaah! Well, is someone being murdered? Aaah!
Are we going to the police?
Hey, Larry. She shot three already!
Hey, Polly, you're working again.
Yeah. For weeks I thought I couldn't paint again...
and now, suddenly, it's all come back!
One of the greats.
Ugh! That picture makes me sick!
Well, thank you. Thank you very much.
Good. Feel sick. It should make you feel sick.
It's destruction, pure and simple.
That's what today is all about. That technique is her way of expressing it.
Ugh! Aaah!
What was I doing in Paris 4,500 miles away from home?
It was fate. I had come to meet Larry Flint...
an unspoiled, dedicated artist...
searching in his own troubled way for the simple life.
Suddenly, I knew I wanted to share that life.
Well, I never did go back to the Ritz.
I'll never forget the wedding.
Frieda made a lovely bridesmaid.
As a matter of fact, she caught the bridal bouquet and ate it.
For a while, Larry and I led an idyllic life.
As I look back on it, it all seems like one of those wickedly romantic French movies.
To your health, Louisa!
- Louisa! - Louisa!
The rest of the time, I kept house.
Ah, la vie de Bohème!
Le sacrifice d'amour.
- This week's dinner. - Oh, darling!
Beautiful!
- How did you... - Opus 752.
But, darling, that's one of your most beautiful paintings.
Well, we can see it anytime we go to the butcher shop.
Monsieur Blanchard has got it hanging right over the tripe and the sweetbreads.
- But I've told you so many times, in the United States in a bank... - Won't touch it... not a nickel!
Money corrupts. Art erupts.
Oh, that's a beautiful saying.
It's immortal. I just made it up.
Hey, uh, say, listen, why don't you bring some of that downstairs for me?
Will you? I got some erupting to do.
Darling, your soup's on.
Soup.
Darling, must you make so much noise when you paint?
Ain't no other way, honey.
Tools of my trade, like I told you.
See, the sound, the sonic vibrations, they go in there.
And then that gets transmitted to that photoelectric cell...
which gives those dynamic impulses to the brushes and the arms...
and it's a fusion of the mechanized world and a human soul.
It's the only affirmative statement being made in the world of art today.
I- I'm sorry. I forgot.
It's a terrible thing, being so dumb.
Well, you're really not so dumb, honey...
'cause, to tell the truth, I don't understand it myself.
I left the machine on.
Larry!
Larry.
I know this probably sounds stupid to you...
but what if we take a record...
and we put it on and we play it through the, uh... the...
- Sonic palette. - The sonic palette.
Silly kid. Go ahead.
Mendelssohn's "Spring Song"...
that's my favorite.
Larry?
Larry. Oh, I like the ones you make with your own noises.
They're the real you.
Yeah, but, uh, I hate to waste a good canvas...
so I might try to pay a bill with it.
Maybe the butcher won't know the difference...
between a real Larry Flint and a Mendelssohn.
Hey, Louisa. Hey! Guess what.
- What, darling? - I didn't leave it at the butcher's.
I was there showing it to him, and there was this customer there buying pig's knuckles.
So, um, he looks at the picture and then he puts on his glasses and he gives me his card...
and he gives me 40,000 francs!
That's almost $200.
Oh. Why, that's wonderful, darling.
All from that silly little idea.
Yeah, well, I gotta go downstairs and get to work.
I'll be listening for all those dear funny little noises.
Aha! Das ist gute, Ludwig.
The show was a smashing success.
- Merci, madame. - Larry was famous and rich overnight.
In the middle of this excitement, I was filled with apprehension...
although I tried to conceal it.
- Congratulations, Master. - I am insufferably honored.
Frieda and I are very happy.
At last, painting which is music and music which is painting.
- How do you do it? - Oh, can anyone explain the workings of the inner man?
Actually, the act of creation might best be described as pure animal instinct.
If only Beethoven were alive to just hear this painting.
Ah, yes. Pauvre Ludwig. I think he'd be very pleased.
Your paintings make me want to kneel, pray and cry.
Well, in that case, Baroness, why don't you buy one...
then you can kneel and pray and cry at home.
Sensation, Master!
- Please. - Please. Please let me introduce you to all Paris.
Well, thank you very much, but me wife and I don't take much to the high places.
We'll just go back to our little garage and attic. I got work to do.
But, of course, we didn't go back to the old place.
We had a lovely house on Isle St. Louis.
But Larry was never there.
If he wasn't entertaining at the gallery...
he was at his studio just outside of Paris.
I was tired of being alone...
tired of wearing these ridiculous outfits Larry painted for me.
What kind of life was this?
I was just another canvas to him...
just another walking catalog.
Where was the simple life Larry and I had had...
that vie de Bohème?
He was obsessed with success.
I had to get him back. I couldn't let that happen to me a second time.
Suddenly, I had an idea.
What are you doing up there? Get down! Down!
What the...
Stop that right now! Stop that! Stop that!
Come on, now! Stop that!
Louisa, what are you doing here?
Darling, I haven't seen you in so long.
What do you mean? We had dinner together only last week. What do you want?
Uh, I have a surprise for you.
Aha!
Larry!
Larry!
Look who's here!
- Well, how is Frieda? - Oh, painting better than ever.
Larry. Larry, we have missed you, Larry.
Oh, yes. I have missed you too.
Listen, Larry. We have a picnic.
Some bread and wine and cheese, and I thought we could all...
No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I'm working against a deadline.
This mural's for Neiman Marcus. That's a department store in Texas.
150 thou!
I've got to get it rolled up and on a jet by tomorrow.
What are you doing up there?
Aaargh! Oh, I never should have had these damn things made in Paris!
What are you doing? Where are you going? Get back in line here!
Stop that now!
- I'm terribly sorry, Rene. I'm sorry. - Stop that!
Get back there! Get back there!
Larry! Larry, what is the matter with you? What is the matter?
- Get back there! - Larry, why can't it be the way it used to be?
Larry, I never dreamed this could happen!
What is the matter with you, Larry?
What is the matter with you?
- Larry! - Rene, let's go.
150 thou! Ohhh!
What the...
Aaaah!
- En Anglais, s'il vous plait. - Pardon, madame.
"I, Larry Flint, bequeath all my... "
What Larry Flint had left me in cash...
plus the sale of his remaining pictures...
brought me in the neighborhood of $4 million in American money.
It was an amount even Picasso wouldn't be ashamed of.
After several months of trying to lose myself in Paris...
I decided to leave.
Oh!
I was here an hour early and you kept me sitting in that lounge...
and everyone said, "Well, don't worry. You'll hear the announcement."
We phoned for them to hold up for you, but I guess they didn't get the message, madame.
Believe me... Believe me, it's just...
All my luggage is on that plane!
Oh, I had my heart set on getting out of here tonight.
- But I can't possibly stay in Paris for another day. - Madame...
- You missed the last trolley back to town? - Oh, Mr. Anderson.
Should I have that plane brought back?
- No, no. I'll take it from here. - Thank you, Mr. Anderson.
Excuse me, Mr. Anderson. Overseas call, sir. San Francisco.
Okay. Excuse me. Hello? Uh-huh.
I recognized him immediately...
unbalding, glamorous Rod Anderson, Jr...
millionaire tycoon, up from riches...
inheriting 10 million from senior Anderson's maple syrup empire.
Unmarried, he seemed to have no trouble in getting what he wanted...
- in business or in pleasure. - Uh-huh. Yeah. Buy it. Thank you.
Well, Mrs. Flint, where would you like to go?
I was sorry to read of your loss. I saw you at one of your late husband's openings.
I didn't buy anything, though. I don't like his paintings.
Well, I don't like your airplanes. Where are you going?
New York, Miami, Irkutsk... anyplace you'd like to go.
I just flew in from New York this evening for some party.
I stayed about a half an hour, and I'd had it. I don't like parties.
So, you just put on your Superman suit and fly away home.
That's right. And there it is... or don't you accept hitches from strange men?
Oh, I know who you are, Mr. Anderson.
I just don't know if I'll be very good company.
I just got... I don't have much small talk.
- I haven't any time for small talk either. - Excuse me, Mr. Anderson.
- Overseas call. Hong Kong calling. - Excuse me. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Uh-huh. All right. Sell it. Thank you.
- Well, where shall it be? - New York.
New York it is.
What was I getting into? What was on that plane?
I looked at the name of it. "Melissa."
Naturally it would be named after a woman.
I'd heard enough about those dissolute playboys.
What are you doing after the orgy?
The, uh, plane is ready.
- Pretty name, "Melissa." - Someone I knew a long time ago.
- Good evening, Mr. Anderson. - Good evening, Mark.
Mark, this is Mrs. Flint. She'll be flying back with us. What sort of weather have we?
- It's clear, sir, all the way through to New York. - Excellent.
- Good evening, Willard. - Good evening, Mr. Anderson.
- Willard, this is Mrs. Flint. - How do you do?
- Mrs. Flint will be flying back with us. - Yes, sir.
Her bags left on the 11:19.
You have them picked up at Idlewild and delivered to...
- Uh, the Montclair Hotel? - Is that your favorite?
- Well, I've never, uh, been in New York. Only for a few hours en route. - Mm-hmm.
- You better make that my suite at the St. Regis, Willard. - Very good, sir.
It's reserved for visiting executives.
I camp about 10 blocks further up the street on Fifth Avenue.
- And Willard, have the chef come 'round and take Mrs. Flint's order, will you? - Yes, sir.
You have anything you like. We have some rather fine wines aboard.
- I'll, uh, just have my usual. - Yes, sir.
- Whatever you have is all right with me. - Oh, really?
My usual is two soft-boiled eggs, gluten toast and a glass of yogurt.
And Willard, Mrs. Flint will have the, uh, crème Senegalese, steak Diane...
pomme soufflé, profiteroles with, uh, chocolate sauce, and break out a bottle of La Tache.
- Very good, sir. - And that'll be all, Willard. Thank you.
Now, let's step into the bar.
- I'll make you one of my very special martinis. - Oh, thank you, no.
I'll have a, uh... a scotch on the "rotch."
- Uh, on the rocks. - Oh. Very well.
I was raised on maple syrup, you know.
Cured me of drinking anything at all.
- Oh. Well, then I won't have... - No, no, no. You go right ahead. Drink up. It's good for you.
Telephone. Watkins in Chicago.
Excuse me.
You know, you really are rather beautiful...
but, uh, is that your hair?
Yeah. Hello.
Okay. You just sit tight. No, no. I think Prescott's bluffing anyway.
True, there was no orgy on board.
- He wasn't the Diamond Jim Brady of the jet set.
But he was arrogant, cold, sure of himself, ordering people around...
another object lesson in what money and power can do to a human being.
But for all of it, he really seemed to be a miserable and lonely man.
Why he never even smiled. Not once had a smile lit that stoney, sunless face.
- Well, a tycoon's work is never finished, is it?
- That's what you call yourself, isn't it? A tycoon? - Absolutely. Absolutely.
Every morning I get up and look at myself in the mirror, and I say, "Good morning, tycoon."
I, uh... I know you don't approve of me, Mrs. Flint...
but that need be of no concern to either one of us.
I'm going into my office now. I've got some work to do.
I promise not to interrupt by calling out points of passing interest or the weather conditions over Baffin Bay.
I'll see you in New York, and don't forget to fasten your seat belt.
What was wrong with my hat anyway?
- Okay, Mark. I'll take her. - Okay, sir.
I wondered who Melissa was.
Some forgotten Hollywood starlet, no doubt.
I was scared. I hated being alone during the takeoff.
It was so beautiful looking down...
the lights, the sky, the stars.
How I wished I had someone to share it with...
not this unsmiling, airborne cigar-store Indian.
Then, the fatal thing happened.
I'm glad you decided to join me.
Nice to have someone to share it with, isn't it?
Beautiful.
Excuse me, sir. Telephone. Zurich.
Willard, tell the gentleman I just stepped out.
I never did get to the St. Regis.
We were married in New York in his fabulous penthouse.
Thank you, Timothy.
Hello.
Yes. Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I felt so safe at last.
Rod had all the wealth and success he wanted long before he met me.
I felt I couldn't possibly jinx his life.
- Uh-huh. As for the mysterious Melissa...
I decided never to question him about it.
I dismissed it from my life.
A little trinket from Harry Winston's.
As I look back on it now, our life together was like...
one of those glamorous Hollywood movies all about love and what'll she wear next.
Remind me to tell you later that I love you.
I'll remind you if you'll remind me.
- Louisa! - Hello, Doris.
- Now, Louisa, you look divine. - Oh, Chester, thank you.
- You remember Peter, don't you, darling? - Oh, but of course.
We met at El Morocco the other evening.
- You play beautifully. So nice of you to come. - Thank you.
- That's a beautiful dress. - Oh, I'm glad you like it.
It's my favorite... my very own favorite.
I wanna talk to you.
- What is it, dear? - You remind me to tell you later...
that I love you.
- Rod! - Nicky!
Louisa!
Louisa, darling, here is someone you simply must meet.
- Darling, now you know Nicky Cathcart... - Wonderful to meet you.
- Mrs. Cathcart. - How do you do?
- Louisa. - I do hope the two of you can come down to us for a shoot.
Mmm! Love to. We always get a bang out of a shoot.
Remind me... to tell you...
that...
I...
love...
you.
I'll remind you just as soon as I change my nightgown.
Lord Kensington, Lady Kensington...
may I present my wife, Louisa?
- How do you do? - So nice.
- Delighted. - How do you do?
We're so happy you could fly in for the evening.
- I hope the two of you can come down to the abbey this weekend. - Oh, we'd love to.
Oh, but darling, I haven't a thing to wear.
- I'm reminding you to remind me to tell you that I love you. - Thank you for reminding me.
I'm reminding you...
that you said to remind me to tell me that you love me.
Thank you for reminding me.
Thank you.
- I love you. - I love you.
- Why didn't he tell me before? - Hello, darling. I'm sorry I'm late.
Well you tell him that he's through. This is total disaster.
How could it possibly happen to me?
- What happened? - Louisa...
ever since we got married, I've been neglecting my business.
I've been so much in love with you that I've paid no attention to it at all. I've let it slide.
- Well, I've just been reading these business reports. - Are you faced with ruin?
I am three times as rich as I was the day we got married.
Oh, no!
Nobody triples the business of Anderson Enterprises but Rod Anderson.
Someone has been giving orders...
somewhere, somebody in my organization.
Why, that's absolute treachery.
Someone's been giving orders behind my back! Imagine that?
If I wanna lose a fortune, I'll lose a fortune.
If I wanna triple it, I'll triple it... no one else.
I'm gonna get to every one of my offices all over the world...
and I'm gonna find out who's been running things behind my back.
Triple it? How could he possibly triple it? Who can the guy be?
You spend years training employees, executives, to serve you faithfully...
and they stab you behind the back?
That's loyalty for you. Willard?
Willard, you make arrangements for trips to, uh, Sidney, Johannesburg...
Hong Kong and Bombay.
I'm looking for somebody, and I'm not coming back until I find them.
I knew there was no man to look for.
It was only me and my witch's curse.
Sleep was impossible. Next morning, Rod would go out of my life forever...
and meet his doom somewhere.
I was terrified. I tried to think of a way to save him.
"Melissa. Happy days on his uncle's farm."
The simple life.
- Moo. - Hmm?
Moo.
Melissa?
Melissa. Mmm.
We had a simple, modest little farm...
two dozen leghorns for me to look after...
And a cow named Melissa... Melissa I... and a bull named Melrose.
Well, Ma, how do I look?
The neighbors all say I look real fine.
Wonderful, Pa. Real elegant.
Have one more nip of our local cider.
Well, it's my fourth, and I'm not a drinkin' man, but seein' as how it's welcomin' day...
- here's to ya. - Hey, thank ya.
Good day, Mr. Anderson. Good day, Mrs. Anderson.
- Have another drink. - No, I'm drivin'.
- We'll see you, Rod. - Come on. Get him up.
- Come on. Let's get him to the wagon. - Come on. Let's go.
No more.
I'm sure glad I listened to you.
This is our first day here, and already...
- I realize that this is what I always wanted to come back to.
And you made me do it.
Uh-oh. Feedin' time.
I'll go feed Melissa, and you milk the chickens, huh?
- I've been waitin' a lot of years for that. - Can't it wait till tomorrow?
That shows how much you know about farmin'. You don't milk her now, and she'll be...
Mooin' all night long.
Let's go.
Hello, Melissa, baby.
Oh, sw...
How're you doing, honey?
Just great, honey.
'Atsa girl, Melissa, baby. Mmm.
Whoa, baby. Whoa, Melissa. That's a girl.
Melrose!
Forgive me!
"And all the rest of my holdings, cash and securities... "
Several months after the funeral...
I had to listen to the grim business details.
Rod had sold out everything so quickly that his fortune was pitifully reduced.
It came to a mere $ 150 million.
I felt alone and lost, and I was determined to live alone for the rest of my life.
It was the only fair thing to do.
Isn't there any way of getting a cup of coffee here?
<i> Isn't there any way of gettin' a cup of coffee here <i>
What's your name, Miss?
Uh, Louisa May Hop...
Hop...
Hop... Fli... Anderson.
<i> Isn't there any way of gettin' a cup of coffee here <i>
<i>Asked Louisa May Hop-Hop-Hop-Fli-Anderson <i>
<i> Pretty eyes, pretty hair And she asked so clear <i>
<i> Isn't there any way of gettin' a cup of coffee here <i><i>
Uh, Louisa May Hop-Hop-Hop-Fli-Anderson, huh?
That's a funny name.
It's just Anderson.
Uh, please stay, Miss Anderson.
I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Clancy must... must be out back somewhere. I'm in here all the time.
Say, uh...
I, uh... I hope you didn't think I was being fresh.
That's just part of my act, you know.
I get a list of the customers' names each night before the show...
and then I make up little rhymes using all their names.
It's one my specialties, that ad-lib stuff.
Coffee?
Sugar?
Danish? Serve the Danish.
And for a big finale, a napkin.
There's our Pinky. Always at it.
Pinky, ain't you ever off the floor?
Why, it's Herman Bodkin, I do declare...
and Ernie Wilkens who's with him there.
I said with a grin, "Ernie, your hair is gettin' thin,"
and Ernie answered, "Who wants fat hair?"
- Ah, it's true. I, uh, never seem to stop being on.
Oh, I liked it.
You performing around here?
Am I performing around here?
Look.
That's me... Pinky Benson.
- Can I get you anything else? - Mm-mm.
- It's on me. - No, thank you.
- What's doin'? - I got it, Clance.
Thank you.
Say, uh, if you're not busy later, would you like to watch my act?
I hadn't decided what to do later.
I even thought of staying in this town for a few days till I made up my mind.
Well?
Well, uh...
- Well, sure. I'll come. - Good.
Um, I gotta kinda rush over there right now.
It takes me two hours for my props and to put on my costume and makeup.
Oh. Really? How's it going?
Well, the management must love me. I've been playing there for 14 years.
See you later.
- Who ordered the well-done, green peas, succotash?
- Here. Over here. - Medium-well.
- Side of spinach. - Hey. I ordered the creamed spinach.
Ah, that's better for you. No cholesterol. Mashed potatoes, well-done.
- One rare, hashed brown! - I ordered French fries. Take it back!
- Ah, you always make such a fuss. - Ah, shut up!
I agree. But stuff yourself, honey. No man wants a fistful of bones.
- Okay! Okay! Here he is... for your dinner pleasure...
Jersey City's own uh-Pinky uh-Benson!
Well, good evening, friends and neighbors.
- Hey, who do we have here with us tonight? The Shimkins.
Rosie Shimkin was able to get a ringside table. She's wearing a rose in her hat.
- And with her is her husband, Matt. And that is that.
Dennis Horner is sittin'over there in the corner. Hiya, Dennis!
And Peggy Norton... Peggy Norton and her sister Min.
Chewin' on those bones like Rin Tin Tin.
So, welcome, all! Welcome, one.
Lend an ear and have some fun.
- <i> I think that you and I should get acquainted <i>
- <i> I'll just come up to you and ask your name <i> - What I say is live...
- <i> I'll tell you mine, and I'll say, Isn't the weather fine <i> - and leave me alone.
<i>And aren't you really glad so glad that you came <i>
<i>Then after you and I become acquainted <i>
<i> I'll ask you if you'd like to stay a while <i>
<i>You'll say you would You'll give me a smile <i>
<i> Oh, goody-good You'll make my evenin' worthwhile <i>
<i> Before our little rendezvous ends <i>
<i>We won't just be acquainted <i>
<i>We'll be the very very best of friends <i><i>
- I could see why the management loved him.
He didn't interfere one bit with the sale of food and liquor.
It was the worst act I'd ever seen.
Just looking at Pinky made me want to cry.
But he was so happy and untroubled.
And I feel at home here, as you can see.
And in all the 14 years, you've never wanted to play anywhere else?
- Oh, you mean, uh, the big time? - Mm-hmm.
Boy, why does everybody seem to think you have to wanna play the big time?
Why? You get to the top of the ladder...
you're a slave to your fans, you got no life of your own.
Then you gotta start worryin' about staying up there. Oh, no. Not for me.
I'm happy doing what I'm doing.
And you know what? I teach dancing to kids in the daytime.
- That's nice. - Yeah. My, uh... My wife wanted me to get ahead.
She wanted me to get an agent, press agent, publicity, audition, push, push, push.
- Your wife? - Yeah. I was married once. We were... We were a team.
She always wanted to be way up there, so I let her go.
- And today that woman is Greta Garbo.
Nah. She married a guy with a lotta dough and she left the business.
I don't blame her.
I don't blame her at all.
I was just a guy who wanted the simple kinda life.
<i>And that's the story of my life <i>
<i>As told to Louisa May Hop-Hop-Hop <i>
<i> Hop-Fli-Anderson Boom Boom, Be-Doom Be-Doom <i><i>
Oh.
Louisa May Hop-Fli-Anderson Benson.
Yes. We were married... happily married.
And we lived on our lovely houseboat on the Hudson.
I told him I had a great deal of money somewhere...
but both of us forgot all about it.
Ho! <i> Good mornin', Mrs. Benson Good mornin' to you <i>
<i> Good mornin', Mrs. Benson How do you do <i>
<i> I'll give you just one kiss Then I'll stop <i>
<i> 'Cause I gotta give our little boat a mop, mop, mop <i><i>
As I look back on it now...
our life together was like a gay musical number...
from one of those big, Hollywood movie musicals.
<i> On our little houseboat <i>
<i> Built for two <i>
<i>Tiny little houseboat <i>
<i>Just for me <i>
<i>And you <i>
<i>All alone together <i>
<i> Only me <i>
<i>And yo-o-ou <i>
<i> My Darling <i>
- <i> On our houseboat on the Hudson Alone, alone together <i>
<i> Life is rosy on the Hudson in any brand of weather <i>
<i> Far from city streets and far from hills of heather <i>
<i> Lovin', singin', dancin' all of the time <i>
<i>Well, heigh-ho, let's go <i>
<i> Life is just a vaudeville show <i>
- <i> Sing and dance <i> - <i>Take a chance <i>
<i>All alone together <i>
<i> Only me <i>
- <i>And you <i> <i> On our houseboat on the Hudson, alone <i>
<i>Alone together, life is rosy on the Hudson in any brand of weather <i>
<i> Far from city streets and far from hills of heather <i>
<i> Lovin', singin', dancin' all of the time <i>
- <i> Lovin', singin', dancin' all of the time <i>
<i> On our houseboat on the Hudson, alone <i>
<i>Alone together, life is rosy on the Hudson in any brand of weather <i>
<i> Far from city streets and far from hills of heather <i>
<i> Lovin', singin', dancin' all of the <i>
<i>Time <i>
<i> Oh, anchors aweigh and hit the deck, Louisa <i>
<i> It's ship ahoy We're on the town with you <i>
<i>You follow the fleet and tars and spars, Louisa <i>
<i> For us you are the captain and the crew <i>
<i> Oh, how we love Louisa <i>
<i> She's sent from heaven up above <i>
<i>Just like the tower of Pisa <i>
<i>There's only one Louisa <i>
<i> L-O <i>
<i>V-E <i>
<i> Love <i><i>
Love.
Then it began to happen.
We were planning a birthday party for Pinky after the last show.
Well, I guess we got everything: The hot dogs, the rolls, and...
- Hey! Look at the clock. I gotta get made up. - Oh, you've got time.
No. I don't. I have less than two hours.
It takes you two hours to get out of that makeup. You'll be late for your party.
- Couldn't you just skip it? - Skip the performance?
No. Skip the makeup, I mean. Do it just as you are.
Oh, don't be silly, darling. The makeup's the whole act.
- Here's the bucket of lemonade, Pinky. - Thank you.
Thank you. Mr. Trentino, because of the party...
would it be all right if... if Pinky went on tonight without putting on all his stuff?
Sure! You don't wanna miss your own birthday party.
- Okay, honey? - Oh, uh...
I'll feel... I'll feel naked. I...
Well, leave out the verses too.
Leave out the verses?
Just this once.
Well, all right, on account of the party, but...
I feel funny. I...
I'm gonna lay an awful egg.
- And now for your enjoyment... - Who ordered the well-done...
- New Jersey's own ha-ha boy... - green peas, succotash?
- Uh-Pinky uh-Benson! - Let's get outta here.
Waiter, check!
Well, I...
- Frankie dropped him in the second...
- because I said, "Hey... " - It was the fifth.
- I was there. - Mr. Trentino, may we have some relish?
Sure. Help yourself.
- One rare, hashed brown. - I ordered French fries!
- <i> I think that you and I should get acquainted <i> - Who ordered the well-done?
<i> I'll just come up to you and ask your name <i>
<i> I'll tell you mine, I'll say isn't the weather fine <i>
- <i>And aren't you really glad so glad that you came <i>
- <i>Then after you and I become acquainted <i>
<i> I'll ask you if you'd like to stay <i>
- <i>A while <i> - Hey, doc.
- Who do you got... Sh! - <i>You'll say you would <i>
<i>You'll give me a smile <i>
<i>Aw, goody-good You'll make my evenin' worthwhile <i>
<i>And before our little rendezvous ends <i>
<i>We won't be just acquainted <i>
<i>We'll be the very very best of friends <i><i>
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!
<i> I think that you and I should get acquainted <i><i>
I've grown accustomed to this place.
What! Caesar!
- Cut. Print. - Magnificent, Pinky.
- Wonderful, Pinky. - Magnificent. I'll never direct a better actor.
- And to think they wanted to put that Welshman in the part.
Well, I was still near water...
sitting by our beautiful Hollywood pool alone.
I had done it again, and I had lost Pinky...
lost him to fame, fortune, his agents, publicity men, secretaries...
and his adoring fans.
How about my preview in Westwood last night, huh?
- What a gas. - Sure was, Pinky.
All those Pinky Benson fans screaming, yelling, crying...
Ah-ha. The little people. I love 'em. I love 'em.
And if the studio tries to cut one minute of that film...
I'm gonna burn that nuthouse to the ground.
Five and a half hours is not too long for a Pinky Benson fan.
Yes, Mr. Benson.
Now, about the premiere. Everybody on the ball. See?
Hi, Louisa.
Hi, Pinky. Going in for a dip?
No. I'm goin' to Brown Derby.
I got a business luncheon with these creeps.
- Ciao, baby. - Ain't you gonna change?
- What for? - You know you can't get in the Derby without a tie on.
Geez.
And Pinky, after lunch you gotta tape a speech to send to Jersey City.
- Yeah, you told me. What's it for? - Pinky Benson Day.
Big ceremony in your honor.
Citizens are getting together to paint the front of the house you were born in in pink.
Yeah?
Gee. That's kinda sweet.
- I wonder who thought o' that? - I did.
Yeah? Well, here's an idea from me. What's the matter with this place?
The fans in the busses go by here every afternoon.
Let's let 'em know without a doubt which house is Pinky's house!
Yes. Yes, it is! Pinky Benson.
He's arriving in his famous, all-pink Rolls-Royce.
Oh, I've never seen anything like this.
I've covered the biggest of all premieres: Ben-Hur, Cleopatra.
But this, Flaming Lips... this is the biggest of them all.
All the greats in show business are here tonight...
the great and the near-great...
and all the little people...
Awaiting the premiere of Flaming Lips.
Mrs. Pinky Benson seems to be wearing a pink... all-pink chinchilla coat.
Now he's introducing Mrs. Pinky Benson to the crowd.
Oh, this is fabulous.
The crowd is roaring so much. I hope you can hear me, ladies and gentlemen.
I have never seen a premiere like this.
And now they're going into the theater, as Pinky Benson...
Tonight, in Flaming Lips, Pinky Benson proved...
that a comedy can run five and a half hours.
Earlier today, Pinky told us his next film will run seven and a half hours.
- Listen to that applause! - Oh, Pinky, baby, you were right.
- This is a gas! - This is the greatest thing you've ever done.
I don't ever want to direct another actor for the rest of my life.
Thank you, pal. Let's get rid of that creep. I'll direct the next one myself.
This picture is a cinch to do 50 million at the box office.
- Yeah. Too bad I only get half of that. - Yeah.
And the studio wants you to co-star with Frank, Marlon and Cary...
- in a remake of The Four Horsemen. - Well!
- Why should I carry those deadweights? I'll play all four. - We want Pinky!
- And he can do it too. - Let's get out of here. The mob is coming.
- Break it up. Break it up. Everybody outta the way. - We want Pinky! We want Pinky!
Mr. Benson, you was divine!
- Just divine! - And now, coming to our cameras, the co-star of Flaming Lips...
Miss Linda Putty... another Pinky Benson discovery.
Making new discoveries is the basis of our industry.
And now, coming to our microphone...
here she is, Mrs. Pinky Benson.
My wife has always been my inspiration.
Pinky, we'll never get out the front way.
- Why don't you just slip out the side way, darling? - Yes. I guess so. But I...
I hate to do this to them.
After all, I'm what they came to see.
- Yeah. We know. Come on. This way. - Let's go, Pinky. That's all.
We want Pinky! We want Pinky!
- The little people. I love 'em. Love 'em.
Ah, bless 'em. I can't let 'em down.
After all, I'm the stuff their dreams are made of.
I belong to them.
Hey, fellas. Fellas!
Look who's here. It's me. It's your Pinky!
Look! It's Pinky!
Pinky! Pinky!
Ah, yes, Miss Benson. I know. I know.
But it's "Willsville Time in Dixie," and we've gotta face the facts...
death wise, that is.
So I'm gonna give it to you short and sweet. You get all the moo. All of it.
But there's one catch.
"And so I order to be built the Pinky Benson Memorial Museum, dedicated to my fans...
"and within it will be preserved all my dancing shoes dipped in bronze...
"and a giant gold replica of my larynx.
"A permanent, pink light will burn before my statue...
"and in the 15,000-seat auditorium, my pictures will run 24 hours a day.
Everything else I bequeath to my wife, Louisa May Benson."
Pinky was right.
He did belong to his fans...
forever.
He was such a sweet man when I met him.
- And then came... - Well, that's all.
Why? Isn't that enough?
Oh, I was left with another $30 million...
and I flew right here to Washington and that brings us up to date.
And I'm gonna give that money away. The government's not gonna stop me either, and neither are you.
Please answer my question, Dr. Steffanson.
Am I a witch, or am I not?
Well, you haven't said anything for the last two husbands.
- Well, you're not even listening to me. - Uh, who? Uh, what?
- Well, you're an analyst! - Huh?
- Analyze! - Oh, that. Yes.
Uh, now, let me see. Um, you... you got married...
to four men for love, mm-hmm?
All of them were doomed to success and extinction.
There was Hopper, Flint, Anderson and... and Benson.
And one man... one man you hated. That was Leonard Crawley.
Well, that's a very strong emotion, hate.
Say, you... I think, for...
Wait a minute. What do you expect of me? Instant analysis?
Why-Why your case might take 24 hours a day for the next 50 years.
In other words, Louisa...
Would you marry me?
- Dr. Steffanson... - If it's simplicity you want, you should see my apartment.
I'm a dedicated man of science, and I'm so tired washing out my own socks.
What do you say, Louisa?
- Victor, I'm honored that you'd risk your life for me. - Thank you.
But it isn't fair. I simply don't love you.
No?
But would you mail my check in for me anyway?
Oh, please don't feel so bad.
Maybe you helped me after all.
I said "yes" to four men and I said "no" to you. Isn't that progress?
Of a sorts, I guess.
You see, after listening to my accumulated life story...
you naturally assumed that I'd say "yes."
But you were wrong.
- Wrong? - Yes.
I was wrong.
I... I have the strangest... tingling sensation in my...
Dr. Stef... Victor, are you all right?
Wake up, Doctor! Oh, dear.
How do I get... I've got to... Oh!
- Oh, please help me. - Oh, excuse me. I, uh...
Would you please press that button and let this thing down?
Dr. Steffanson.
Ma'am, I... What? Louisa?
- Leonard Crawley! - Mm.
What happened to the doctor?
Uh, he fell off.
Well, he always does.
Dr. Steffanson.
Doctor? Doctor.
- Leonard. - Hmm?
- You're the custodian here. - What?
Now, look, Louisa, let's call a spade a spade.
- I'm the janitor here. - Oh, how awful!
Oh, no, no, no. I deserved it. You know... "poetic justice" it's called.
- But in a way, I ruined your life too. - Oh, no. You made it.
In fact, you know, when I lost everything, I just began to live.
And... And I'll always be grateful to you...
and your friend.
- Thoreau! - Mm-hmm. He said, "Simplify."
And you can't get much more simpler than bein' a janitor.
- Leonard. - Mm-hmm?
You're the only man in the world I ever really hated.
Hate's a very strong emotion, you know?
But I think the thing I hated most was that I knew...
that deep down, under that small-town emperor...
there was a human being that I wanted to know...
and you wouldn't let come out.
Leonard, lunch!
- Hey, Mom. - All right, honey. Now, you spread these around.
Jonathan, lunch!
Hey. Look, Mom. Look what I caught.
- Sharks! - Well. Wonderful. We'll have these for dinner.
Now, help your brother.
Geraldine, lunch, honey!
- Now, don't you drop this. - What do you think I am, a baby?
All right. All right. Help is on the way.
- Here's the chair, Mom. - Okay.
- All right, children. You can start your milk now. - Aren't we gonna wait for Daddy?
Nope. Daddy's finishing the plowing he started this morning.
- And the princess had four beautiful children:
Leonard and Jonathan and Geraldine and Butch.
And they all lived happily ever after.
Louisa!
It's oil! It's oil!
Louisa! Look! It's oil. It's oil! Look at it.
It... can't be happening. It can't be true.
It can't be happening!
But it is, Louisa. It's real.
Hey! Look at this. It's real! It's oil!
You bet it's real. And it's ours!
- Yours? - Yes, you idiot! It belongs to us.
You punched a hole in our pipeline.
- It's not ours? - No. It's ours!
My wonderful, wonderful failure.
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