((XCOM 2 loadout music))
((doorbell))
JIM: Yeah, you're gonna need that. NASH: HOLY HELL! ((thud))
Hakuna dentata, Nashaniel! I love what you've done with the place,
great stucco work, by the way, very professional...
um, I got you this housewarming present... and a crossover!
Wait... how did...
...Why'd...
You know what? Don't care.
The important thing is...
What in the silly blue fuck makes you think we're going to do a crossover?
Well, uh, you had us on your show and-
Da na na no no no! You INTRUDED on my show.
And also you blew the line, it was supposed to be "Be Cool Scooby-Doo," not "What's New Scooby-Doo"!
It's a fair cop. So let us make it up to you with this public domain short!
How does th-
Why do-
WHY would I agree to this?
Well, your camera is clearly already set up for appearing in a video.
And of course, there's you with your fourth-wall-busting bullshit.
Yeah, just as a personal security heads-up?
You might want to put a blanket on the greenscreen on that fourth wall when you're not using it.
Don't worry. I haven't seen anything TOO embarrassing.
((static))
I have!
((static))
Wait, why aren't YOU here to piss me off in person too?
House arrest. My WebMD search history was misconstrued by the NSA.
...and NASA.
Don't ask me.
All right, I know how this goes.
I've already lost. Lie back and think of England. *tssss*
So... what are we doing.
Oh, this is right up your wheelhouse's alley. It's got gods, so there's that whole fantasy "Here There Be Dragons" angle,
Alternately, it's also got self-important jackasses, so there's the whole "What The Expletive Is Wrong With You" angle!
"Expletive"?
It's this weird little short about common courtesy and social interaction called "By Jupiter!"
It's got five stars from the Institute of Irresponsible Self-Interested Misanthropy!
You mean Gamergate?
Hello, comments section. Sorry for what's about to happen to you.
((theme music))
((triumphant music))
JIM: Hi-ho Rosebud, awaaaaaay!
NASH: Hey, that's where my aunt lives. Little condo outside Jupiter, Florida.
NASH: Poor woman.
STARCH: Pleasant as this storm-drenched, isolated shack.
JIM: Chick Chandler? The angel from "One Upon a Honeymoon"?
STARCH: Can't swing a dead cat in these shorts without hitting an MST alum.
NASH: Wilding Picture Productions. Ganging up and terrorizing locals with violence and short films since 1937.
VOICE: Long, long ago...
STARCH: George Lucas was respected.
ANNOUNCER: ...believed the universe was ruled by a divinity named Jupiter. But around his celestial temple these days, he has another name.
JIM: "Droopiter."
NASH: "Limp-intia."
JIM: "Impo-hotep."
NASH: "Goes-Right-To-Sleipnir."
STARCH: Please stop...
Yes, Juno my love.
You are the most completely worthless husband a goddess ever had!
STARCH: Up until Kevin Federline comes along at least, I mean, to be honest...
But I'm out of practice, dear!
NASH: ((as Jupiter)) Oh, hello son!
... beleived in me for thousands and thousands of years!
JUPITER: I'm out of date.
And I'm out of patience. You could at least try to stop that storm!
JIM: ((as Juno)) It hasn't rained like this since that punk Jehovah invented the rainbow.
I'll try.
Maybe I've still got some of the old stuff left.
NASH: ((Jupiter)) And by "old stuff" I of course mean "cocaine."
STARCH: That WOULD explain all the shape-shifting and revenge.
JIM: Because nothin' says "almighty deity" like "Little Rascals" music.
Sic transit gloria, abracadabra...
STARCH: It's expelli-AR-mus.
And GESUNDHEIT!
JIM: ((Juno)) That's it. I'm leaving to stay with our mother.
NASH: What about "Vul-Can't-Get-It-Up"?
JIM: That's a bit of a stretch. NASH: She wishes.
STARCH: Stooooooooooop...
Look, Jupiter! It's stopping!
JIM: Whoah, the improved lighting has revealed this place has a major mildew problem.
NASH: ...not again...
By golly I hauled off and made a miracle after all!
Well you ought to get busy and make some more. Just look at Earth down there.
JUNO: Full of people who could use a miracle or two to make life easy.
NASH: Heh, since when did the Greek gods make any mortal's life EASIER?
JIM: Sometime after the oceans turned to Boston Creme, apparently. NASH: Mmm!
JUPITER: It hardly seems worthwhile to make miracles for people like that.
JIM: People in stock footage of trains. Bastards!
JUNO: Take that man down there in the commuter's car. He looks as though he needs some help.
STARCH: Why, he wouldn't last five seconds against Kalibos!
JUPITER: Hm, he certainly looks it.
JUPITER: Let's tune in and find out what he's thinking about, huh?
NASH: We'll just wait for Congressional approval of this technolo-heheheheheh, just kidding!
STARCH & JIM: ((chuckling))
POINDEXTER: ...Thornton J. Poindexter would be ready for the boobie hatch.
POINDEXTER: That's me. JIM: Larry Miller.
POINDEXTER: Feet hurt, headache, as far as I'm concerned the whole human race can go hang.
STARCH: That's why I voted for Trump.
POINDEXTER: Why, it started the first thing this morning. That kid on his bicycle.
NASH: More distance, more distance, why did I start so many fires?!
Hey you, why don't you watch where you're going, you little imp?
STARCH: I'd be peeved too if I saw such a badly choreographed fall.
KID: ...you don't own the sidewalk! POINDEXTER: Well I... KID: Nyaah, nyaah, nyaah!
JIM: A young Skeletor's first taste of holliganism!
POINDEXTER: Yes, that was the way this day started.
POINDEXTER: And I, Thornton J. Poindexter, was burned up before I even got to the newsstand at the corner.
STARCH: I often have to remind myself of my own name.
PAPERGUY: The usual paper? POINDEXTER: Certainly.
NASH: Dime bag of blueberry kush wrapped in the Fortean Times, thirty bucks.
Here, take it out of this five dollar bill.
JIM: Ooh, back then that was like buying a stick of gum with a Faberge egg!
Why don't you keep some change on hand so you can do business properly?
Take it easy, mister. It's pretty early in the morning and-
Nevermind, I don't want any alibis, I'll buy my paper somewhere else.
STARCH: You're not the only one with Highlights for Children, you know!
You old crab.
NASH: He can't wait 'til they invent proper fucking swear words.
POINDEXTER: When I got the the station, some dope ahead of me was getting a commuters' ticket.
STARCH: Someone at a place where you buy tickets for public transportation was buying a ticket for public transportation?! What the HELL, man?!
NASH: Oh no, that's not a cigar! RANGOONS: Waugh!
Look, how long you gonna hold everybody up, mister?
Just as long as it takes the lady to make out my commuter's ticket, chum. Any objections?
JIM: And Phoenix Wright bursts into the foyer!
NASH: GYAH! dimension jump!
Now ain't that just too bad?
STARCH: Little did I realize that was Frankie "Thick Fingers" Malone, and I'd have to claw my way out of a shallow grave that very night.
POINDEXTER: ...a female monster loaded with parcels was jabbing me and pushing me around.
JIM: So I really let one rip. A real pants-pillower. Man, you never saw so many people turn blue all at once.
JIM: It was like a gym mat stuffed with boiled cabbage and sulfur. Really outdid myself.
POINDEXTER: Yes, that was one thing I learned from the kid on the bicycle.
NASH: Cropdusting. STARCH: ((groans))
POINDEXTER: ...by the time I got to the office, late of course, I was fit to be tied. Of course, so was the boss.
STARCH: So we called Mistress Sadistica. Expensive, but worth it.
POINDEXTER: ...I ignored him and got by. But things didn't improve as the day went on. Lunch, for instance.
NASH: I ate at McDonalds. STARCH: You fool!
What'll you have?
JIM: ((waitress)) Our special is despair and regret.
I'll have the boiled beef.
NASH: And hold the salt. Who wants FLAVOR in their food?
I'll have the uh... fin and haddy.
We're out of fin and haddy but-
JIM: Well, what other Vaudeville acts do you offer?
Is this a restaurant or isn't it? You serve food here or don't you?
STARCH: This guy makes Gregory House look like a Care Bear.
You can't come in this late on the lunch hour and expect to pick and choose!
NASH: This guy doesn't need a miracle. He needs an ass-kicking.
I don't wanna eat anything in this hash house.
STARCH: ((waitress)) Hash house... oh, right, "boiled beef" was the code for a dime bag from the cook! No wonder everyone seemed so disappointed today!
STARCH: ((waitress)) My tips suck.
POINDEXTER: So I ended up eating a hamburger in a joint around the corner.
JIM: Man, he needs divine intervention if he thinks boiled beef is preferable to a hamburger.
NASH: Well, it WAS McDonald's.
JIM: Kind of a lateral move there.
POINDEXTER: ...to talk over a loan I need in order to buy a new house. So on my lunch hour I went to see the third assistant vice president.
STARCH: He's my cousin on my father's side.
STARCH: What a DICK.
((clears throat))
How do you do, Mr. Poindexter?
NASH: Hiding a boner, I see.
((Jim snorts in laughter))
JIM: And that's when I sat on his pet hamster. Didn't help.
I've examined your application for a loan from the bank, and there a few more facts we have to have.
What do you mean, "facts"?
NASH: My parade of lies was airtight!
...your financial position, shall we say?
Why, I've had an account at this bank for twelve years! I've got a darn good credit rating and you want more facts!
STARCH: It's not like I'll be building an illegal cockfighting ring in the den oh DAMMIT!
Oh, I suppose you'd like to know the color of my second cousin's eyes or how often I get a haircut!
JIM: Or who in my family's a Communist! *cough* Uncle Fred *cough*
...I believe we can dispense with the extra information.
You'll hear from us in a few days. By mail.
NASH: We'll use Frankie "Thick Fingers" Malone's delivery service, just so you know.
I can assure you your application for a loan will receive ALL of the attention it deserves.
JIM: ((quietly)) Wipe, wipe.
POINDEXTER: Well I knew then that I'd never get the loan. But it wasn't my fault.
STARCH: We're witnessing the larval form of the incel subreddit, right here.
POINDEXTER: Now I'm dead tired and I hate to go home and tell Mary about what happened at the bank...
There, if I ever saw one, is a human who could use a miracle, Jupiter.
NASH: Yeah, no one deserves a miracle more than a crabby white upper-middle class male. Up yours, kids with polio!
If he hadn't antagonized everybody the way he did, his day wouldn't have turned out nearly so bad.
JIM: Yeah, but he would be out of content for his YouTube prank channel.
Why don't you haul off and...
NASH: ((Juno)) Die.
...a miracle that'll fix things up for him?
JUPITER: What kind of a miracle?
Oh, I don't know, something simple, like…
JIM: Some sort of man-cow to devour his family.
Why not make him relive his bad day? Only this time,
STARCH: Naked!
...how to treat other people better! So he'll get treated better!
Hmmm. Yeah. Might be interesting at that.
NASH: Hey, it worked for Bill Murray.
Although, mind you, I don't think he'll act much differently. All humans are ornery.
JIM: ((Jupiter)) No, wait, HORNY. I mean all humans are horny.
STARCH: 'Cuz Greek gods are FAMOUSLY even-tempered.
Okay. Here goes.
Poindexter!
Oh Poindexter!
JIM: Whoops, just made him burst into flame, my bad.
JUPITER: Poindexter!
- What? Who's that? JUPITER: This is Jupiter, Poindexter! - Jupiter?
STARCH: Do you want me to stop touching myself? NASH: ((Jupiter)) No, touch yourself more, LOTS more!
JUPITER: That's right. I'm a god. Lots of people used to believe in me!
JIM: ((Jupiter)) Now I'm as irrelevant as Ian Miles Cheong.
- I suppose you're up in the sky someplace. JUPITER: That I am, son, that I am. - Oh, nonsense.
What did you say?
Uh, will you please stay out of this conversation, lady? I'm talking to Jupiter.
STARCH: An elderly Star Butterfly!
Oh my, glad this is my stop!
JUPITER: Listen, Poindexter. How would you like to go through this bad day over again and have everything turn out all right?
NASH: The white privilege is just dripping off the screen.
Because you forgot a few fundamentals on how to get along with people.
POINDEXTER: I did? Such as?
JIM: Too much complaining, not enough lightning bolts.
...such as, a soft answer turneth away wrath. You can catch more flies with sugar than vinegar.
JIM: Don't go chasing waterfalls. STARCH: If it's yellow, leave it mellow. NASH: No-one wants to see your dick.
Everyone I had trouble with today was ornery and mean. They didn't remember any of those old proverbs!
JUPITER: Well, they might have, son, if you had!
STARCH: The sophists are right! You're the only real person, the world is an illusionary prison of your own creation!
JUPITER: Kindness is contagious! - Heh-heh, so is smallpox.
What can I do with somebody like that?
NASH: I'm thinking "giant burning wheel."
That Poindexter needs help!
JUPITER: Hey Poindexter.
Yeah? What is it?
JIM: I banged your mom. ((Nash snorts))
Do you consider yourself a selfish man?
Hmmm. No, I wouldn't say so.
Then it's high time you started GETTING selfish, Poindexter.
ALL: WHAT?!
You've got to get selfish, Poindexter! WISELY selfish!
NASH: Ah, I've been trapped by guys like this before. Any minute now Jupiter's gonna shove a copy of "The Fountainhead" into Poindexter's hands.
Well, being courteous, being selfish...
Because every time you go out of your way to be extra nice to someone,
you're laying the groundwork for that someone to be extra nice to you.
JUPITER: That means your life is going to be a lot more pleasant.
JIM: As long as living a lie doesn't bother you!
JUPITER: ...and certainly a lot more fun!
JUPITER: So you're really being selfish!
You're putting something in the bank of human relations that's going to pay YOU fat dividends!
STARCH: Eeeugh, I need a shower!
Yeah, if the bank doesn't fold.
JUPITER: Fold? Oh, but it can't, Poindexter.
JIM: It's too big to fail!
...when the person you've been kind and courteous to pays you back, he's being selfish too.
NASH: ((Juno)) What th- no, wrong! What kind of Gordon Gecko bullshit are you spouting?!
Nobody loses!
Dunno, sounds too easy.
JUPITER: Ahhhhh, but it's not, Poindexter.
JUPITER: Sometimes it's pretty hard to do unto others so they'll do right by you.
JIM: I gotta take special pills for it!
Courtesy isn't a tip of the hat, the warm hand-clasp, or the big fat compliment!
STARCH: It's slaughtering a live bull!
What then IS courtesy?
JUPITER: Well...
JUPITER: It's something that comes from inside you.
NASH: ((Jupiter)) Like a liver. I'll be sending a bird along shortly.
It's patience and understanding of somebody else's problems and troubles.
STARCH: And how to exploit them.
It's being helpful and friendly to people because you like and understand people!
It's saving the other guy's face in an argument so that you can save your own!
JIM: It's leaded gasoline creating a nation of sociopaths that I gotta mollycoddle!
JUPITER: ...does you more good than the good you're doing!
Is that so?
JUPITER: Sure!
JUPITER: So why not take a whirl at it, old boy?
I'll haul off and work a miracle for you that'll let you relive your tough day.
Only this time...
STARCH: Naked! And forever!
...get tempted to get irritated at somebody, get smart. Get selfish instead.
NASH: Being selfish is what he was doing in the fir-ggnk... RRGH!!
JIM: Anyway, here's Wonderwall.
((Nash & Starch chuckle))
Say, that's kind of pretty.
Yep! That'll remind you to get selfish!
JUPITER: After you hear it, you're on your own. And we'll see what happens. Fair enough?
STARCH: Oh, and you MIGHT get turned into a spider, just a heads-up.
Sic transit gloria abracadabra and gesundheit!
NASH: Oh crap, the Rapture already?!
JIM: Yeah, It's clearly impossible that people could have got up and moved while you were drooling into your chest.
ZEUS: Now wait just a me-damned minute!
((thunderclap))
What the ding-dang diggety-smack'em is THIS?
And me without my citronella candles.
Hey, Zeus! This is... nothing. Nothing at all. Feel free to not be here!
Wait. Is this... one of YOUR gods?
We make no claim of ownership here! In fact, we'd be more than happy if you'd take him off our hands!
Yyyyyyeah, no thanks. I'm... I'm good.
Ugh. By the by, Nash, this is REALLY not the time or place to lie back and think of England.
In fact, we find "bolt-upright and ready to run" is a good general stance during these little visitations.
I'm sure I'd be offended if I was paying attention! But this film has got my blood all angried up!
Lemme guesssss... inaccurate?
You bet those lovely locks, gorgeous man! I mean... look at this!
((thunderclap))
Who the Tartarus thinks I'd have a piss-poor party pad like this?
Where's the the shag carpeting? The lava lamps using genuine imported Corinthian lava?
The hot tub full of marmalade?
I wouldn't be caught passed out in a puddle of my own and various other peoples' fluids in a dump like that!
And no bull door?
Hmph! Tacky AND inconvenient!
Hey! Kevin Sorbo made a career out of inaccurate Greek myths! Go nitpick HIS day-to-day activities!
Ehn, he does Pure Flix movies now. Not sure I could make things suitably worse for him.
((phone vibrating, "YMCA" ringtone))
Whoop, hold your water, I've got to take this.
((beep))
WHAZZUP?
Oh, hello there Leda, baby-cakes... I'm right in the middle of some real wrrrrrath of me type-
((phone chatter))
Oh. ((chatter)) OH.
The FIFTY-gallon drum you say?
((phone chatter))
Oh, of course! I'll just hop a Pegasus, get the goose thing going on, and ah...
To keep you glistening until I get there, baby...
((chatter))
BREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWK!!! BREEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWK!!!
Oh yeah. Yeah, you know you love that.
BREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! BRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
Sorry, biznitches! Got important god-type stuff to get to, heheh-heh! We'll have to pick this up some other time!
How about never?
Peace out... or piece IN, in my case!
TO BE CONTINUED!
((thunderclap))
((""First World Problems" playing))
(("Aluminum On the March" playing))
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It's got five stars from the Institute of Irresponsible Self Interested in the subdffsussid
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
((laughing))
((laughing)) What the fuck was that?
All right! Okay!
Everything's rolling.
Get down! Alright.
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