♪ This book, this book, this book! This book, this book, THIS BOOK! ♪
♪♫♬
None of my fangirling or flailing is gonna convey how amazeballs this book is!
It is what every romance novel should be- so obviously my review gonna suck butt.
Bomb dot com books are so hard to do because I've got so many feels & so little of your time.
Gee, ya think maybe you should STFU & give them some details?
You right, you right.
Our bookie wookie got the 2 best tropes boinking & procreating; literally.
Mr Scarred Hero needs an heir, a poor seamstress knocks on his door, & the dude's like, "You'll do."
One? *Laughs* That's the best OTP intro I have ever read!
Two? Oh my God, contract marriage!
Ash is the Regency version of Harvey Dent.
A canon went splodey in his face so he's Mr I'm Unloveable.
But! Primogeniture is a thang.
*Struggles trying to pronounce "Primogeniture."*
See this is why I will never make fun of somebody for their second language, if it's English.
Cause it's my native language & I can't even do the shit.
He needs a kid, so he wants to get Emma pregnant then GTFO.
Emma needs money to help her BFF out, so she agrees.
And that is our big conflict & it sooo goooood!
For one, the "get her preggers" plot didn't ick me out.
Emma rocks her sexual agency & her horny pants!
The chick even bites & rips off the dude's shirt straight from his man-chesticles!
I mean there her face is, all up in his business, & there I was just flat-lined.
My wig was snatched & I was vaporized.
So the lack of ick, that's part one of the good. But part two is even better!
This plot is 200% good internal conflict & 500% awesome dialogue.
Hell, the stuff literally kicks off when the OTP do their meet cute.
From page fricking one!-Okay, not literally page one because it's not actually page one,
because there's like, exposition & scene set up; but you get my point.
Emma busts into Ash's house wearing a wedding dress,
Cause bitch got bills to pay, dammit!
And yall, my jiggly ass lost it over just 3 words;
Well that's uncanny!
It's funnier in the book, I promise.
Ya see, Ashy-pooh is a walking talking burn victim PSA...but he ain't no ass-face!
Just don't think too hard on that joke & you'll be fine.
Most of the Me-Ugly-Me-Sad heroes have got the personality of concrete.
They rude, cruel, and screamy, but Ash is the exact opposite of that!
Now don't you doubt, the boy's got issues. Lot, a lot of issues.
He thinks he's repulsive even in total darkness & he worries that he'll one day sexually repulse Emma.
So Ash tries to keep the girl at penis's length only, with a no kissing policy.
He's got a sad heart so he thinks that if he's just distant, that'll fix all the emo-feels.
His sad heart wrecked my ass, but!
He's not just grrr & wahhh; he does the funny, too.
Like the man penciled in brooding into his weekly schedule. *Laughs*
Can I live? I love self-aware heroes! God I love them.
His heart is battered as badly as his soul is, yes, but he can make fun of himself.
There. I made you a fire. You may now admire my manliness.
I like to know the names of the people I despise.
I keep them in a little book and pore over it from time to time,
whilst sipping brandy and indulging in throaty, ominous laughter.
*Laughs* Side note, both of those quotes were hilarious, but when you know the quote context for quote 2?
Ye too shall swoon, and die. You're gonna lose your fangirl shit.
Oh who am I kidding, this whole book's gonna make ya lose your fangirl shit.
Well, at least it did for me.
I mean, I've read 38 books so far this year.
And as of now, The Duchess Deal is the best one.
And I will fight a bitch over that.
No I won't, we can all love equally, but just know that I'm right & this book is amazing,
and you're wrong if you think otherwise- no, you're not, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding!
I'm not kidding.
That's cause Hero Face is swoontastic, of course,
but when you pair his butt with Emma's butt, oh the two do things!
They do wondrous, amazing things to my heart!
This heroine is such a strong woman & not just for the obvious stuff.
Her backstory & her noble/practical reasons for saying "I do" are moving, yes.
But she's more than that. Her social class removes her power but her strength snatches it right back.
Emma takes no shit while giving Ash all the sass. This woman is not to be ignored.
You know, like endlessly teasing the man with cute pet names,
& demanding her dinner dates. But don't get it twisted.
Emma is as guarded as Ash because her heart has been boot stomped twice.
Her feels gonna make YOU feel, cause Tessa Dare slays-
And my battery just died, I'm an idiot.
Perhaps the reason behind his thrice weekly sport was no mere boredom,
but restoring the use of an injured arm.
If so, his wounds must extend beyond his visible scars. She wondered how severe those wounds were.
She wondered how much they still pained him. Too much wondering.
It wouldn't all fit in her brain. Instead, it traveled down to her chest & tightened there.
Romance novels are poetry; fight me!
That emo-pain was so beautifully worded!
Tessa's writing straight up makes me weep.
The woman got me cry-laughing with pain, & with funny.
Emma screws up & reflects upon "Dante's lesser known invention: the 6th octagon of awkward."
*Laughs* Yall I was LOL-ing for days.
Ain't nobody can turn a sentence like Tessa Dare!
I love this heroine almost as much as I love her creator.
Cause much like Tessa, Emma can do it all.
She's awesome & sassy & rocks female competency porn as an amazing seamstress!
She is goals!
Granted my sappy ass did swoon over Ash regarding her seamstress skills.
I mean the boy refused to let her stitch her own gown. She totes does it anyway.
But how it tore his butt up to hold her callused hands?
How it just effected him to no end effected my booty to no end!
This man's feels for that woman reached directly into my chest cavity to rip my soul right out my boob.
Like, the monologue. THE monologue? The man pours his angry heart out over the shit that Emma's dad pulled.
And- and- and those words. Ooh, those words!
I would love to act those words out for you, but it would be blasphemy if they came out of this hole.
Just trust me, the man's got heart feels...And lord baby Cupid, he got them horny pants, too.
Just the way the man watches Emma lick her finger to turn the book...that was porn right there.
It turned me into a harlot, my friends.
This OTP's emotional rawness makes the sex scenes epic.
Ash's scarred body has got his brain convinced that he can't inspire lust.
That is sad...and also hella funny!
"Please," she'd whispered. The word had shocked him.
He pulled away at once, uncertain whether she'd uttered it in pleasure or pain.
Her breathless voice almost suggested the former, but that was too absurd to contemplate.
First, she a virgin. Second, she was a vicar's daughter.Third, she was a virgin vicar's daughter.
And fourth, he was the scarred, ill tempered- if fantastically wealthy-
wretch who'd strong armed her into a marriage of convenience with no courtship whatsoever.
He gave himself a mental shake. 'She was not sighing in ecstasy, you clotpole!'
That was only his desperate, lonely, sex starved imagination
grasping at any phantom resembling affection.
it's funny, but it's sad! Ooooh, my heart!
Conflict that's wrapped up in sex with feels cues all of my wild gesticulation!
EEEEEEE!
That's cause emotastic sex don't gotta be dull!
The proof is in Mr Sexy Pants tossing our gal onto the bed like she's a hot potato.
Dude followed it up with, "You like that," & holy shit! I swooned right to Jesus!
Most romance books treat sex like it's something the story has to hit & quit.
So sex rarely affects the plot, but this is Tessa Dare we're talking about.
After Emma goes into our boy's room to confess her lusty pants, he replies...
He replies? Oh, his reply!!! I can't word his words because I'll turn into a tomato!
Tessa Dare, I'll have you know you did things to my body, woman. So many things.
Basically the OTP plays the "Don't You Dare" game & it was plot gold.
I mean, sure, it was also erotic as all God, but it was also fantastically feminist!
I snot sobbed all over the phrase "Don't love me."
*Whimpers*
Yet this book doesn't make sex the magic fix-it.
The conflict climaxes- *snickers.* I am such a dirty bastard. You know what I mean.
The story takes the hero's opinion of him being "too damn ugly to stand by her side…"
His ouchy words, not mine.
It takes that & it does stuff. Like really, really, really good 3rd arc stuff!
The book could have fallen flat on its face
with the realization that hero has hero feelings & penis feelings, as well.
But it doesn't, it builds on that. This book does it all!
There are liberal shoutouts to "She Persisted."
There was dragging of fake news & "fake news."
And all the while Tessa never let it get too heavy.
I swear this woman can do anything. She even made the mundane entertaining!
Upstairs, Ash hopped around the bedchamber on one foot, pulling a boot onto the other.
He windmilled in a backward circle, chasing his own coat sleeve. His cravat knot resembled a boiled potato.
*Laughs* That visual, I mean! Guys all he's doing is getting dressed & it's hilarious.
That right there is why ya gotta do this book. Feeltastic OTP, smart snarky dialogue,
And really, really, good shit!
2017 sucked a little less cause for this book. *Fart noise*
I might as well do the outro card now, because somebody has got their engine running for the past 12 dears.
I was trying to say "days" & "years" at the same time & I said "dears"- Eh, that works.
I have been procrastinating making this video, & it doesn't make sense because I love the-
No, it does make sense-I-I know why I procrastinated because I love the book so damn much that I know the that review is not gonna do it justice.
So don't judge how book the good- "don't judge how good, how book?" What did I just say?
Hmm, words are hard.
My camera battery died. Everyone was mowing. There were cars making car noises.
When I really, really, really wanna make a video good, it ain't gonna be good. That's the laws of the YouTube.
Uh, what else was I gonna say?
So, if I went out of focus as well, I'm so sorry, too. I'm just so sorry.
I'm also so sweaty. It's September & it's 95 degrees in Kentucky. Climate change is the devil.
If you've not read any Tessa Dare, just, just, just...treat yo'self!
I love you Tessa. Have I made it creepy yet? I can make it creepier!
The answer to that question is, "Shut the freak up, Jacquie!" Mmmm. *Ding*
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