I am honestly fucking afraid this game is gonna suck ass.
I don't even remember since when do I have it or why do I have it.
Did someone gift me this game like, fucking 5 years ago?
I don't even know.
And I'm fucking tired of these fucking logos, come on!
How many do you have to put in this thing?
It's never fucking ending!
Can I get to the game?
Ho-ly shit, this is running like ASS.
It's the fucking intro of the game and it looks like it's going to crash at any second.
Wait, I can't skip it?
Are you fucking kidding me?
[JOJOKES MAKING FUN OF THE FACT THAT THIS PIECE OF SHIT GOT RELEASED AS A "DIRECTOR'S CUT"]
Fucking loud.
Fucking lower this thing down!
Christ!
Why the fuck can't I use the mouse for this!?
I can already tell this is gonna be a shit port.
God damn it, it's so fucking slow.
Okay.
No shit, took me half an hour to lower that shit.
Fucking stupid game.
I'm already sure I'm not gonna like this game, because...
I'm already sure I'm not gonna like this game, because... Jesus Christ.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
Fuck off with this.
I lowered the fucking sounds of the game!
And still the cutscenes sound loud as shit!
Why doesn't it matter if I lo-lower the sounds!?
What the fuck is this.
Yeah, m-my fucking...
...How do I kill myself?
[MUST CRUSH C A P I T A L I S M]
Wait a fucking second.
God damn it, NOT EVEN HERE THEY SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Are you kidding me!?
It won't shut the fuck up!
Oh, now I can use the mouse?
Why is this game so finicky with controls!?
WOOOW, Jesus fuck!
The framerate is fucking shit.
Now I'm pretty sure the cutscene at the startprobably explained something but...
...What the fuck is this game?
What did I get myself into?
No, I don't care!
Oh, I can actually not respond, fuck him!
Fuck you.
NO!
FUCK YOU
How about that?
God damn it, I have to answer.
Wish I could.
Jesus... Motherfucker.
My fucking ears!
Motherfucking game.
Good, I'm I dead?
Hit the brakes, you fucking retard.
[NORWEGIAN MONKEY SQUIRRELS ON THEIR NUCLEAR MATING SEASON]
Good, y-wha-what?
The squirrels sound like monkeys.
Is that supposed to happen?
Why did they sound like monkeys, I don't get it!
What the fuck is wrong with this game.
Of all the things that survived the crash, it had to be the fucking MAC laptop.
That thing's a piece of shit.
Why are you going to smoke in the fucking rain!?
Fucking resolution is shit.
And I wish I was joking about th-What, what's this?
"Agent Honor", what!?
I don't understand ANYTHING.
Oh, that's how I do it.
Okay, let's see if I get this shit straight:
To be able to use your weapons to have to...hold space?
Why?
What's the fucking point?
"Start profiling", what?
Can I ever get to the actual game?
I don't even know what's happening.
wat
Uh-Oh, alright, so who's Zack?
Is this guy Zack? Then why is this fucking idiot talking to himself?
It says right here he's YORK!
So what, Zack is his imaginary friend?
This game is fucking stupid.
Oh. Right.
Alright yeah. That seems completely normal.
That was the most fucking unnatural reaction!
He saw the fucking dead dog and he was like "Oh, okay"!
I have a fucking gun, why don't I use... Use this.
Okay, I'm gonna come clean with this.
This looks like fucking Resident Evil 4.
It's like th-they're not even trying.
This IS Resident Evil 4.
Just... Badly done.
Honestly, it's fucking garbage.
Pretty sure monkeys made this game.
You know those squirrel-monkeys that I saw before?
Pretty sure they were the developers.
Yeah, remember the first encounter with a zombie in Resident Evil 1?
This is like - the same thing.
I'm not even kidding.
Just this one looks like ass, but you know...
Am I supposed to take that thing seriously? What I'm I doing...
You got "Mysterious Shadow", what?
wat
Pretty sure I didn't ge-
Pretty sure I didn't ge-Uuugh, God damn it.
Okay, sure.
Sure, just fucking let me do it!
"Great".
I shot it once...?
That's enough?
That's kinda pathetic, don't you think?
The fuck is that thing?
Oh right, so I can't go through until the fucking corpse desintegrates completely!
Who came up with this?
I have to wait 10 seconds to go through, that's so fucking stupid.
Wow, the aiming is so fucking horrible.
I don't even know how to describe how bad the aiming is.
It's just completely fucking... Ruined.
Yeah, sure... Profile this fucking thing.
What's the point of this? It's like "UUUUH, S P O O K Y"!
I'm supposed to be scared?
Stop talking to your imaginary friend!
The dialogue is so fucking bad.
It's like he doesn't even care.
He's a nihilistic asshole who gave up on his life.
...Lollipop, are you fucking kidding me, you're gonna pick candy from the ground?
Okay, let's see ho-What-
Is she moonwalking? Why is the framerate dying so horribly?
[SOMETHING IN A FORGOTTEN LANGUAGE THAT TRANSLATES TO "THIS GAME IS WORSE THAN GETTING SHOT AT POINT BLANK WITH A NUCLEAR EXPLOSIVE"]
Did she say "Welcome to die"?
What is he doing?
Why is he doing that with his finger?
I'm serious, this is Resident Evil done horribly.
You didn't even press the button, you idiot.
YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING MISSED IT!
HOW DO YOU DO THAT!?
The framerate is just... Shit.
I think the framerate is a bigger enemy than the actual enemies.
Like, look at this, how do you play this?
Oh, I don't have bullets eithe-Oh wait
I have unlimited ammo?
Are you fucking kidding me, what's the point then? I can just stay away and shoot people.
Who the fuck came up with that idea.
Yeah, fucking challenging game, isn't it?
Oh, what now...
You kidding me? Quick time events now?
In a game with a framerate so horrible?
WHAT WAS THAT! I was pressing it!
Fuck you!
Fuck off, game!
Not my fault the game's broken.
Pretty sure not even the game itself knows how to play.
God damn it.
I pressed the button and it doesn't work, and I'm pretty sure it's the framerate that's doing that.
At least I could evade him this time.
And that's it?
That's it!?
The flashlight is...
Alright, so he has a flash-nipple.
His fucking nipples are a flashlight.
What the fuck.
Th-that's a new thing, okay? That's the first time I see that kind of shit.
He barely looks surprised at all!
Come on.
The game runs like ass and still takes forever to fucking load.
OH, NO SHIT
It's like the fucking zombies and the guy with an axe didn't give it away?
...What the fuck!?
[RUNNING FAST AS FUCK BOI]
Do I get killed now? That would be fucking great.
I'm gonna call you "Piece of shit".
[GENERIC FEMALE CHARACTER STARING INTO PIECE OF SHIT'S FACE WHILE QUESTIONING HER CHOICE IN CAREERS]
Wow, that fucking stare is like she's thinking:
"WOW! HE'S FUCKING RETARDED!"
Why is nobody talking anything?
And now he suddenly starts talking to himself in front of her?
"You're FUCKING retarded"
Aaaaalright.
Okay, they took my fucking weapons.
And now I can't shoot myself.
What the fuck.
They can't see you if you hold your breath?
Then it's not see, it's sense! Or hear you!
Dumbass game.
Monkeys came up with this game. I'm not even joking.
You know how tempting is to stop holding his button and get a game over?
Is it necessary to take this fucking long!?
And the fucking zombie is like off - Vanished completely.
A moment ago they had to hold their breath or probably get killed,
and now they just... Stop.
The zombie went back to Mother Russia, I suppose.
I can actually shave my beard?
Why!?
Of all things you should have in your gameplay, why is shaving your beard one of them!?
I can't even see the fucking beard!
I got money from SHAVING MY BEARD!?
Yeah, he totally looks like he's starving, and not just broken.
WHAT THE FUCK
This dialogue sounds so fucking unnatural!
It's like they never actually cared about it!
Just... Stop this.
Stop it.
Are you fucking kidding me, he's having visions of coffee.
You probably... You probably drank too much.
NO, IT WASN'T!
That means F U C K !
[THE FACE OF PIECE OF SHIT AS HE STARES INTO YOUR NUCLEAR SOUL]
That fucking smile...!
That was the shittiest looking smile I have ever seen in my entire life!
NO
I don't wanna watch more... Shitty ass cutscenes.
"Don't be late", I'm gonna drive into the sunset, alright?
OH BOI
Oh boi, I can actually drive a car?
HEY
HEYHEYHEEY
HEYHEYHEEY IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME CRAAAZY MONEY!
HEYHEYHEEY IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME CRAAAZY MONEY! ARE YA READY?
HEYHEYHEEY IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME CRAAAZY MONEY! ARE YA READY? HERE
HEYHEYHEEY IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME CRAAAZY MONEY! ARE YA READY? HERE WE GO
[THE IMAGE OF FREEMAN HAVING SOME PTSD NIGHTMARE HAVING TO REMEMBER HOW FUCKING GOOD CRAZY TAXI WAS BUT REALIZING IT'LL NEVER GET A NEW PROPER FUCKING GAME]
I think it broke.
[SHITTIEST CAR EXPLOSION]
That was the most pathetic looking fucking death I have ever seen.
I do not wanna play this game.
Ever again.
That was fucking pathetic.
You know what? Fuck this, I'm gonna play something else.
Fucking sneaky as shit.
It's like nobody fucking plays this game anymore and I don't even know why, it's so fucking good.
Yo, fucker. Welcome to die!
Haha, never saw it coming!
Oh, what's this.
This is not supposed to happen.
I broke it again. I don't even know how I do it.
Oh, what the fuck is this?
It's like a fucking spooky ghost.
Does this count for a Halloween episode?
Yeah, this is fucked up.
How did I do this!?
How the fuck did I do this!?
Oh, look at this cheeky motherfucker.
[I was so tired that I don't even know what I said here. All blame should go to Donald Trump.]
Bye, that was pathetic.
Oh, where you're looking at!?
Where are you going!?
Wow.
It's like... Not even the fucking game cares about me.
Hey, you wanna go eat some fucking nachos or something?
L E T ' S G E T W A S T E D
[THE SAD IMAGE OF FREEMAN FARTING AND BLOWING UP NORWAY ON THE PROCESS BY ACCIDENT]
Well. I don't even know what to say anymore, that game was just the trashiest trash. I blame the government on it's entirety.
Y E E H A W
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