Down down to Jason tell tonight. All right syrustey
Bill Cosby
Now I know if you get all the news here in Nashville
But I may say something that's very upsetting to many of you
It turns out that bill Cosby is a rapist I
Know I always used to watch him on the telly as a kid knows he to think to myself ah I bet
He doesn't right, babe
I've been wrong before and I'll be wrong again cuz it turns out that his favorite thing is rape
He's fuckin loves raping people
Yeah, I think about your favorite thing you might be into sports gardening golf. I don't know the fuck you're into
Now think about it now replace it
with rape and
That's how bill Cosby feels all day every day
Now did this routine the australian they wrote a very horrible review of the show and I hate that people forget that I'm a comedian
And I'm joking but I have to do this little public service announcement before I do this Routine I
Believe in many ways rape is wrong
I believe when possible you should always avoid raping people
If you leave the show this evening, and you're thinking about raping someone Jim, Jefferies says no
The Bill Cosby women listen to me would he fight
because he's fucking loved -
60 women have come forward 60 women - big number in it 60 actually a little bit too big
the real numbers 52
But I can say what I want up here, so it is rounded up to 60 who gives a fuck right?
Plus, I'm of the opinion after you raped 20 same prison time keep raping I play
so
Damn anywhere when I come forward right now
What happened is you will be goldbergs of this world when the accusations first came out?
They were all like I don't know if I believe all these women is trying to ruin his legacy or some bullshit like that
Because all these rapes happened in the 70s in the 80s
And they said what took these women so long to come forward it's a good question I
think it's because as
rapes go
They weren't the worst rapes now were they
He never held them down and fucking Rape Dewey
he's the dragon finger of a bit and
I've had worse Christmases with uncles
what I'm trying to say is this
If I was ever going to be raped, I'd like to be raped by Bill Cosby
Because I've been such a big fan of his for so many years
You know just be wonderful to meet him. You know how else would I get to meet him? Yes?
Of course, you know when we're in the same business
comedy
So anyway, what do you do is he dragged the girls drinks and the girls apart now
I don't know the plight of the attractive female. I don't know the hell. They go through on a daily basis
But I do know this if someone dragged my drink. I would take it as a compliment. Hi
I'd be in the bar going. I'm getting sleepy who likes me who is it?
So he drugs the drink and then you pass out for about four hours, and then you wake up, and you're like
Oh, what the fuck happened and the first thing you would see is that hysterical face of his?
And you have a couple of fingers in you
And he'd be going
Where the fingering and attractive in the raping in the fingering?
Tell me how close we actually wouldn't be laughter
You would be driving home before the fingering upset you being a car guy bill Cosby. That was really sudden
Now he shouldn't have fingered me that was wrong
now I
Did that comedy routine which is I was joking this thing. I did that in Australia and
They wrote a very nasty article about me with the headline
You cannot joke about rape?
turns out you can I
Just fuckin did it and I think we can all agree that I nailed it I
You can joke about anything
A joke doesn't mean intent a joke doesn't mean you've actually done it or something like that
what this lady did was she wrote an article about me and
She did
A transcript of the actual routine in the article wrote down every word that I said now
I hate this I'll tell you why because my horse skill in life is being able to say horrible things and still seem likable
You take the hole out of it
see if you read my material
It's a bad read
If you just read as rapes go they weren't oh my God
Soon as he started to write down things. You should say things like it is Jim
Jeffries opinion that women should be happy when they're drugged not my opinion. There was a joke. I said not my opinion
Not something I think something
I think is funny there is a big fucking difference between things that I think and things that I think are funny to say
If you want to know my actual opinion my actual opinion is this I don't want to be raped by Bill Cosby
I
Think he's a horrible fucking man
He's to go to prison that's what my real opinion is but if I came out and said that
You'd go or Jim's lost his edge
These are people started protesting at the Father's show and people stopped showing up even those shows were sold out people stopped showing up
Because I was being deemed like I was a rapist or okay?
You know who never had someone protested gigs because of their material Bill Cosby
Chris you got to give it to bill
What a dignified man
He never said the swear words. He never lowered himself
similar level what a class act is
Okay, that's what people went to see Bill Cosby
Because they wanted to see a good clean wholesome comedian
Who rapes?
rather than a person like myself who is just going to say horrible things and
rapes very occasionally like Pardon I
Also got a lot of backlash of my last special day, which is also a Netflix I I?
Did a lot of misogynistic jokes on that specially? I'm not Gonna hide behind it
I said a lot of misogynistic things and Ben and I got a lot of complaint letters and
look, I find it weird because
Bear with my fifth special and I feel like I've been misogynistic on all my special
And I haven't gotten the complaint letter till now it just proves that with women you really have to fucking repeat yourself
I I
Will defend a misogynistic joke as I defended the rape joke as I defend any jokes. I'm joking this is a performance
I'm an entertainer this isn't a ted talk
You come here to take any of this fuck it seriously
The only time the hate mail bothers me
Is when it's directed at my girlfriend or they write to her directly the mother of my child people write to her on?
Twitter or whatever and they'll say things like you have no self respect going out with Jim
Jefferies, and I hate that because she knows that she
She doesn't need you people bothering us you have fucking chores to do yeah
I got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing him for six weeks, I
Feel yeah, it's not good six weeks. I think she wants to get married and the reason
I think that is because she says that a lot
And I want to get married everyone in my life is pressuring me into getting married
Even my mother rings me up and goes why don't you marry the girl?
You already have a child with her and I'm like yeah, I've got a kid an eighteen year commitment
And I've signed on to that like a bad fucking phone contract. I'm a great Dad I
Got 15 years left on fucking off
but marriage until death the shed contract
Hundred years ago the life expectancy of an American was 52 now. It's 83 fuck that
I'm gonna like to live if I was going to die 52 sure let's have some company I
Would have got married back in the dark ages with 50% of women died during childbirth
I would have rolled the dice on that bad boy
The sea works out every day in Jeans kale just to spite me
six weeks, you got pregnant six weeks I
Feel like I missed out on something
six weeks very quick to get pregnant I
Missed out on the new girlfriend
the new girlfriend is the best time of your life that first three months of
The new boyfriend or girlfriend the new relationship where the person is fucking perfect?
And you're like oh my God this person. I love this person after like a month you like this place
You're drinking a beer with it like she's freaking Jonah watch Star Wars and she's like I do look fuck. You know
Yeah, she's getting along with your friends your mother's like I think she's the one you guys think she's the one who?
Because women can hold the psycho down for three months
For three months they can walk around like a functioning member of society
Showing up at your work parties and not crying
And then at three months and one day you come out of shower, and she's huddled over your phone like gollum
So I went from the new girlfriend best feeling in the world to dating a pregnant chick
Now no one has ever said is that never that never recorded anything like this. No one's ever said it in a public forum
But the pregnant are the worst people on Earth
For some reason society has told us that they have some type of glow or some shit
The pregnant are a bunch of cunts the pregnant
Hey
They cry when they're happy they cry when they said you don't know what fucking cry. They and you ever tried
fighting with a pregnant person in a public place ha ha
Doesn't matter how right you are
million cases seven months pregnant we walk around the supermarket right walk around and
I got some coco pops to put the troy now you call them cocoa krispies in this country
How different our culture's are and I?
put the Coco Pops in the shopping cart Trolley and
and
Kate picked them up and put them back on the shelf
It was very confusing
Because I never seen coco Pops go in the opposite Direction
and my brain skipped a bit in our way ah I
Think you've made a mistake there, okay?
And I went to get him back and she goes you're not having them
When I went, but I I always have them
And she went you're getting fat
So I didn't might drop the mic moment. I picked up the coco pops and went
And she snapped and when do you want me to lose this baby, and I went I'm fucked that was quick. Oh
Of course I do you're a fucking nightmare
But you ever been about 4 a.m.. You're talking to some guy telling you. How shitty his fucking life is
He's like my dad my dad's an asshole
Didn't even know my dad
My dad walked out of my mum when she was pregnant with me raised to think what a dick and now I'm like
Sure he had his reasons
Who am I to judge Jane?
So he she gets pregnant we got to go to these baby classes
We go these baby classes the hospital where they teach you how to put nappies on shitting his swaddle
got the
Dummy, and you swaddle it and then the lady walks around goes. That's a good swaddle we go
I thought it was good on pimping see
Most of its is watching videos from the 80s. They put on actual videos
He went to watch him and learn how to parent one of the videos. We watch was called don't shake the baby
Don't shake the baby is 40 minutes long
You don't need to watch don't shake the baby all the information. You need is in the title
Who who picks up a copy of don't shake the baby and thinks themselves? Ah maybe there's more to this?
But what if I'm really angry?
What if I'm shaking my wife and she's holding the baby?
So the whole cause was basically a tupperware party is trying to sell this shit
and we bought like a car seat and a stroller and this thing that you put the bottle in the steams and
Sterilizes the bottle because if you don't have the steamy sterilizing machine you've got to boil the bottles
And that's a pain in the ass all right. Here's a tip you don't have to sterilize baby bottles I
stopped sterilizing hanks bottles after two days I
Told Kate I was still doing it
but I wasn't
And I'll tell you why
Because 80% of the time he's been breastfeeding, and we never sterilized those teeth. We never had a special
steamy cleaning machine for the teeth
in fact for the first three weeks after the birther kant was all fucked up, so I used to jack off on the tit and
He'd wake up and have a midnight spilling
and what I'm saying is now, I get I
say
sure, he gets cold sores and Whatnot but
He's different. He's a unique little boy leave him alone
So anyway
When you impregnate a person that you don't know particularly well
Sometimes when it comes to parenting you're not on the same page
So me and Kate watching 60 minutes or 20 20 or something like that, and they're doing a story on
Vaccinations, and I turn to kate and I said these people who don't vaccinate their kids are a pain in the ass and Kate said
Hanks not vaccinated and I went ah fuck
You know if someone says something in your brain goes that's going to take up a lot of your time, right?
Because the whole dynamic of our relationship is this I?
I go on the road and tell jokes to make the family money
she's meant to stay home and make sure that hank doesn't die and
Between me and you, I think she's doing a shit job
And I say why why isn't he vaccinated?
It's just I think it leads to autism and I went what medical evidence
Do you have that it leads to autism and she said Jenny and I said don't even fucking say McCarthy
Don't even say because that's not medical evidence. That's Jenny McCarthy and I have nothing against the woman
She's a comedian and a playmate. They're my two favorite types of people
But I don't get my medical advice from them. It's one of my things
she went but her son's autistic and I went is he
It is he really or is he just Jenny McCarthy's kid
Did did we expect a member of men's that our fall out of that woman?
And she said what difference does it make no one gets smallpox
No one gets polio, and it's so frustrating when they say that because you like because the fucking vaccination
And I didn't furthermore my mother had polio. That's true Gunday polio
my mother can work polio into any conversation you'll be having dinner with my mother and to go ah
Maybe I will have some chocolate cake
Because I couldn't when I was young I
had Polio I
Believe that my mother secretly loves the fact that she had polio cause polio does a lot of heavy lifting for a shit personality
Anyway, so we formally point we fought and I
didn't win can't win every argument hangs no getting vaccinated, so
Cup two three weeks later. We're doing season two legit nice do a medical. Oh, thank you. I
Think we were the only ones you liked it I
returned season two legit and
The Network are trying to insure me faith in dogs because that's how much a season cost so I have to do it
well they call studio physical and they're insuring me in case I die because the show would have ended if I died or also if
I got some mental problem, and just start stabbing people that would also be your problem, so it's like a three hour physical
I'm like jogging on treadmills and psychological tests, so I'm driving on this treadmill with all these things
I mean these tube coming out of my mouth and I get off and the doctor is writing something down
And I thought I'd just slip it into conversation
Then I went hey
It's um not
That important to vaccinate kids is it
And she went only if you want them to live, right?
She she didn't even look up right and I said are you serious if you guys let me put it this way, Mr.. Jeffries
I would not let my children play with an unvaccinated child, so I thought that's all the information. I need so
behind Kate's back
And this is super illegal
and involves forging her signature three times I
Book tanking to get all these shots on one day, which the doctor didn't recommend, but I'm a busy guy
Now I was about to come home to pick up hank to take him to get his vaccination shots now
I knew that Kate was going to be home with hank
So I knew that we're about to have the biggest fight ever now
You know when you're about to have a fight with your partner
But they don't know that you're about to have a fight with them. So you have the upper hand
So what you do is you think horrible shit about that person all day?
So in case they cry you can enjoy yourself now
No matter what happens in my life. I will always say this kate is the nicest human being I've ever met
For niceness. I can't fault her. She is just a good sauce
the only the good people she would never say a bad word about another human being and
So it's weird so I'm driving home
I'm trying to think bad thoughts about the nicest person on Earth, and it's really difficult so I'm in my car like
fucking Kate
Who the fuck does she think she is fucking keeping the house nice?
fucking bitch
She left that plate in the sink that was a fucking nightmare. I remember that I
Know that was me. I did that
And she cleans it up, and that's enabling and that's fuckin bullshit right there
So I came back this fucking steaming right here. We fucking go all right games on I come home
She's sitting down lovingly playing with our child and she looks at me. She goes hey honey. Hello in don't
fucking honey me
She said what's wrong. It'll tell you what's right
Thanks getting vaccinated today, and there's nothing you can do and I pick up hank and she starts screaming. He's ones
He's super attached to his mother and he's like the mummy mummy mummy like your mum. Can't fucking help you now I
Got through the card park. I throw him in I'm doing it up and seek' comes out. She starts slapping on my back
I only get the fuck off me like that. She dramatically falls to the ground
I look up and two of the neighbors are out of their houses, they're
Quintessentially watching me kidnap a child and beat up my girlfriend
And I'm too far gone now, so I just doubled down and went get back in your fucking house
laughing see I
Got the driving seat and I fuckin fishtailed out of there
And Kate's on her knees, and he screams that fine
But if he becomes autistic, it's on you
And I thought but she consider that a win
so anyway, I
Take a cup I get him all of his shots a bringing home
And he's definitely autistic now no
It was like night and day like the kid before the shots of the kids Arthur's
Before they shot to his lively kid and then after they brought him home he sittin in the Corners go
And I'm like ah fuck
fuck fuck fuck no no no no no ah
Kate's going to notice this
And so I did whatever I did when I knew I was in trouble. I lie
So I put hank in a baby bjorn he just hanging off me like. Oh, he's hanging on me
Just because I couldn't let him have any long time and kate because Kate would see it right away. You know now
I know what you're thinking. I couldn't keep that up forever, but I did have a plan
What I was going to do was right, I was going to stand near a door that knew kate was going to come through
Look what you did, right?
Okay, so anyway. I am making light of a situation that
Was it was horrible man? I mean like it's nice to make jokes about it now, but if I can at a time
I was distraught. I didn't sleep for three days. I couldn't eat my brain was on a loop. I was so wired
I couldn't I was just rocking back and forth like he kids artistic. It's all your fault kid it to him
so anyway cut to
three days later I go to the doctor to get the results of my physical and hanks dangling off me and
The doctor comes in he goes. How are we today, Mr.
Jeffries, and I said not good, but good you do you told me to vaccinate?
Thank you said vaccinate kid good, but this is not good this used to be a good kid look at this
fucking shit kid
And she goes can you just clamp down and I can't come down because I haven't slept for three days
And I'm bit wired and my brains on a loop and I can't turn it off because my kids autistic
It's on my phone my kids artistic. It's on my farm the kids autistic
It's on my phone my kids our sister could tell my father kids autistic. It's all my fault and
She looked at my chart and she said now
You know that you have a tendency to overreact because you're on the spectrum you
fucking what when
You know how you have little empathy for others you don't listen when others talk and you don't make eye contact
I've heard about the eye contact
She goes
There's nothing wrong with hank. He's just drugged out right now you
Gave him all of his shots in one day, which I didn't recommend
now
It's true the next day. Hank was back to his normal self. There's nothing wrong with hank, but it turns out that I'm autistic
And I don't even know if I believe the spectrum is very broad like 1% to ben Carson's or something
So I don't know. I think a lot of times. We were just diagnosed personalities like I'm just a bit of a dick can't resist
But it's weird
I was 36 when they told me that it's weird when you find out that you're
You're you're autistic at 36 because big news for me
I'm going to ring up everyone. I knew and told them and
no one was surprised I
Rang up my mum, and I left a message on her voice machine like this mum. You got to call me back
I have the biggest news ever
And my mum rang you back and when you're getting married, and I went no I'm autistic
As you went oh everyone knows you're autistic
It's not that bad when I was a child I had polio
Thanks. I hate thanks a smart kid. I think he's smart because he's the only kid I know I
Don't hang out with other kids. So you just don't 3 but like when he's two we put him into this school
I remember these two my friends used to come over all the time, and I was such a proud father
But I'd be like hey, so genius
They're like why how do you know I'm like hank? What's that hank would go red Firetruck
I mean like damn fucking straight as of red fly school. I
taught him that red Firetruck
So anyway we put him into this preschool for two-Year-Olds
I was like a fancy one in Hollywood, and so it costs a lot of money
But the schools going to cool
They teach him how to swim they toilet trained him they've got this great big turtle that walks amongst
the kids like a shitty Jurassic park
And on the first day we went there to meet all the other parents and the teachers
And all the other students and everything so I show up earlier with me and hank down at the school and we got this super
Early like an hour before anyone else got there and we're there and then and the turtle walks by and with hank and I went
Hank that's a turtle
Can you say turtle and then this kid walks up and goes hi? I'm simon
All right
Early Simon yes, actually I'm simon the third. I'm the third Simon my dad's at Simon
He's dad to simon that's my grandfather, so one two three
third Simon
All right
When I grow up, I want to be a baseball player
I can't decide which team because mum likes the angels and dad likes the dodgers, so it's a bit of conflict at home
How old are you Simon Simon did not give me his age Simon gave me his date of birth
And it turned out that Simon was three months younger than hank and I turn and I looked at my fucking idiot son
and hank great turtle
I
Said yes, hank. That's a turtle
and then Saman wait
It's a tortoise
I didn't know that before
Turns out the tortoises just live on the land and turtles live in the water and on the land
Silent taught me that
See one of my old jokes has come back to haunt me if you're a dumb cunt
And your wife or your husband is a dumb cunt. Guess what your fucking kids are
Let's just say that Kate's not a scientist
So I go down to all these school events
And I meet the other parents I get intimidated when I meet educated people because I'm not super educated, so whenever I meet like
Simon the second that fucking cunt, right?
So I'm the third day. He's a thoracic Surgeon and he's wife's a pediatrician
And I'm sat into the fucking the Simon's right, and I can't keep up with the conversation
I don't want to sound dumb so I just say shit
We're talking about politics or something and I just went just try to keep up a win ah I
Reckon they should try to catch that Benghazi guy
Okay, okay, everyone look at me like I'm an idiot no way
I'm sorry min, Ii goes jim. Hyah, I didn't catch. What do you do for living there Jim and our way? I'm
Hard comedian, and he goes all me and my wife. We just love comedy. We'd love to catch one of your show sometime
You wouldn't like it you
Is it what type of comedy do you do ah ah?
like um I
Say cunt more than anyone else
like I
Thought I'm sort of known for saying cunt
Like seven years ago when I did my first comedy special in America the word cunt was banned in every comedy club in America
and then I said can't loads on television and
now people can say cunt and comedy clubs song
basically basically on the Rosa parks of cunt
Now that is cool. They do troyler training right, but I'm not happy
Because it's just female staff and they're teaching every child to do sit down wheeze
It's alright for the girls, but a boy should do a stand-up. We shouldn't be doing sit down wheeze
Now I like to sit down we as much as the next man
But there is a place at a time for us
These are the only times you should do sit down wheeze. It's always always have to meet your house
You can't do in other people's houses weird
You have to be at your house and drugged
Then you'll be like oh gotta have a lovely sit down. We
Yeah
I'll treat myself. Oh, oh
oh
Well go back downstairs in a second don't fall asleep stay awake. Come on. Oh oh is it our leave
the other time you ever sit down
We is if you wake up in the middle of the night you want to go the toilet?
But you don't want to turn the light on
Because they'll hurt your eyes, and you'll wake up too much
So what you do is out of respect for everyone else ew I piss everywhere you have a sit-down week
And that's always a very sleepy like oh
Lovely week
And because you're sitting like that sometimes your asshole. Goes are we pulling
And you're like no, no, we're not pulling. We're just having a sit-down we I'm sorry oh
I thought we were pulling no no no we'll see you in the morning asshole
And I want him to be good at the sit-down way, it's important to him
Because do you remember when you're about?
Seven like a weirdly sort of old age like seven and all the boys at school
We've got to have a piece they walk up, and then undo their belt is underneath
Why they put their dick?
And they'd have a piss and then there was that one kid for whatever reason
Had to have his pants and his underwear down by his ankle
Let him stand there with his asshole hanging out at the bottom of his shirt
This is how I've always done it
Yeah, hey
thank God he got toilet trained just under the wire cuz he's three now and
He got toilet trained just before his third birthday you want to be toilet trained before you turn three
After that it gets weird now there's people in the crowd
We have like a four year old who isn't tolerating you're feeling shame right now, I know
Those friends with like spoiler on so this is his rule in life
You're allowed to shit your pants in the first and the last three years of your life
everything else gets odd right
Now a four year old
Shouldn't be shitting their pants because you can have a conversation with a four year old
And you should never be able to have a conversation with someone who's shitting their pants
So my mates over my house. We're playing and I got a couple of pinball machines were playing pinball
And he son walks up and dead set this is the conversation these son walks up like this
Hey, Dad
You're gonna have to change me mate. Oh, just shit my pants
And the dead was so embarrassed. He was like start stop back
Can you please stop shitting your pants and the son responded like this?
We're going to have this argument every time
So I went to cake he was about to turn three I said okay. He's got hank's got to stop shitting his pants
and so she read a book and she comes back to me with this information ah
You have to start shooting in front of hank
I went on I want to shit in front of hey
why don't I go to shit in front of hank before and she goes because it says in the book that he's a caveman and
If he's left to his own devices of shit in his hand and just chuck it at us
and she goes he's like a
Monkey see monkey do he's got to see someone using the seed goes you see someone using the toilet paper
Someone you know all that type of stuff, and I said why don't you shit in front of hank?
She goes he has to see the cock and balls it will get confused
So now over a while there. I was sitting in front of hank
It was a big adjustment for me
Here is my shit used to be these quiet dignified affairs
Like I'd be watching the TV. I'd feel a shit come on
I'd leave to the bathroom
I'd have my shit I'd come back into the living room and nine times out of ten
I wouldn't even tell anyone where I'd been
And then my shits became like family events
I feel as shit come on
All right, everyone
Daddy's got to shit in the chamber who wants to come and see professional work?
so anyway, I
Chickened out of it's like two weeks
I wouldn't shoot in front of hank, and then I got the guts to do it. So me and Kayla watching TV
The TV there on the couch hanks over there playing with his toys. I feel like shit come on
I've got one she said I I think it's time
Good, I'm eight you're coming with me
And we went into the toilet and I shot the dog and I pulled me panting me underwear down now
He knew it wasn't a normal day
He looked very upset and I'm fucking autistic
neither of us were making eye contact widow
So I thought I better get down to business. I looked at him. I said alright son
first things first
You've got to tuck your cock and balls between your legs so that your penis is facing downwards because where there is poo
there will always be we
Now because you're a Jefferies, we don't have what they call big penises
So what you do is you put your legs a little bit together like that to stop your penis from popping back up
Yeah, say it hey. Yeah, you see how I look like mummy. Now. Yeah
It's funny innit funny. Yeah
Yeah, I know what I do for a living son. You don't know, but I tell jokes I write jokes
You know it's always upset me that no matter how hard I try to write a joke off
I'll never write anything as funny as a man putting his cock and balls between his legs and
Saying I'm a lady. I'm a lady
in fact if you're ever at a party and you feel like things aren't going your way ah
get behind a tree and take your pants and underwear off and tuck your cock and balls between your legs and and
Jump out of the woman to go Id like that
Is good be well. You know is you'll make more friends than you lose
now
Over the course of our today two six-month six to eight months or whatever I make my career has changed somewhat
Audiences are definitely changed it used to just be
White guys the same age as me and now if you look around the crowd, it's pretty 50/50 men and women age groups races
it's all changes and all because of
the gun control Routine so the gun control Routine
guys
Got seen on so many different platforms and all services put up and taken down
That it's actually been seen five times more than anything else. I've ever done in my career, so I'm mostly known
for that now
which is strange because people are coming on to the shows because you're hoping that I'll do some political satire or some social commentary or
something carl and Esque and
How disappointing this evening's performance must be?
Hi, I just did 25 minutes on pooing
Now the the gun control Routine has been shown in most like news outlets
It was shown in the new Yorker as an article is shown in the Washington post as an article was shown on
CnN as news
And it was shown on fox for different reasons
It's also been it's also now are shown to the law students in yale
Like these are meant to learn something of some shit
Now I appreciate all these things it's very nice. I don't know if I deserve these accolades or whatever the fuck they're called
Because I'm going to be really honest with you
I
made some of the statistics up oh
it
Just isn't real
Now I made two things like now
I stand by everything I said in the gun control routine because most of the things I said we're just common sense stuff about safes
And that and the guns in Australia, and all that was correct, I made two statistics
I've just two little ones, so I'm going to fess up to you right now
The first one is this if you have a gun you're 80% more likely to be shot by a gun
no, maybe
But sounds like a thing doesn't it
and the other one was
The average security got in America and $16 an hour not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero
It turns out that the average security guard in America earns $14 an hour
I'd like to apologize for those extra $2
now it's
Very weak because over the course of my 15-year career I've said horrible things about religion
I've said that if you are religious, you believe in God that you've wasted your life and
over the course over
The course of 15 years from religious groups I have received
seven pieces of hate mail
seven very manageable
I ride back
And I used to think that religiously was not east Khan's on the planet
And that was until I gave my opinion on the second amendment
Fuck me
I had no idea what crazy was until heifer. Just poke that harness this with a stick
That's something to see
because on a quiet day, I
Receive 20 to 40 pieces of hate mail from gun people on a quiet day keep up I owe
20 to 40 pieces of hate mail, it's always the same thing they always read exactly the same way except to accentuate attention now
I'm in a unique position
Because of the hate mail that I receive on a daily basis because I've become the pinup voice for gun control I
Can tell you down to the hour when an American gun owner is happy and when they're sad?
Because I don't send me hate mail when they're sad like when there's a massacre or something in a school I get to do it
quite day four
Or something like four-Year-old shoots their mom in the head. They're like we will look at anything today
But the day that I received the most amount of hate mail
When I received seven hundred and eighty two pieces of hate mail
and it kind of sickened me a bit when it happened was the day of
the Paris shootings
128 People died and
That too a real fanatical gun person in America. That was the best day ever
They were so happy because pat the French have extremely strict gun laws
And then people went and shot everyone and so I got these letters that read like porn like that from Penthouse forum
And every letter read the same way like see it happens in every country
It's not just us. It's not just us if they had more guns. Maybe they could have protected themselves
Now I'm not going to get into another debate about whether they had guns where they don't have guns because this is all no one
Knows no one was in that situation
And then something when it's far to say that I was the supporter of is is
now I
don't like is is I
Hate is is as much as the next man?
now
I'll tell you the problem with is is
The problem with is easy
Hey
You never see him laughing
They're not a jovial bunch. That's what religion does religious. Be always miserable I
Hear it is such miserable cunt the edges
you never see one of them before that when I do the videos before a beheading and the guys like
before they behead this man a little bit about me ah
I
Am well, I like mohammed. Oh shit fuck. I I love mohammed. I love that I
Enjoy beheading people of course I like for hitting people and I like the comedy of Aziz Ansari. I like it I
like Izzie
He's a crazy guy with Modern-day problems
They fuck the is is don't drink and I want truck is is
You know want some cunt waking up with seven heads in his bed like what the fuck did I do last night
And his friend comes in and goes you are so fucked up last night
We were out drinking and by the way I was joking
And there was some guy doodling on a napkin and I was like hey. He's drawing mohammed who fucking lost your shit, man
so
Politically his country's in a very delicate situation at the moment it could go either fucking way
you got you got two parties you got two democrats and
Republicans and all they do is they talk about two?
Subjects over and over and over again as long as they talk about these two subjects they're fucking you up the ass with other things
That you don't even notice
Because you it's so fucking and the rest of all isn't it's fixated on these okay - so does abortion guns abortion guns
Right and and so the democrats there they want to have gun restrictions
And they don't care about abortion and the republicans they hate abortion
And they love guns and so we've got a problem here, right?
Because the democrats like come on
You don't need a machine gun and you know you don't and if your dad fucks young you don't have to keep that. That's cool
And the republicans are like all life is precious unless it steps on my property
And then you got Donald trump
now
Every time I recorded a special the other specials. I recorded in America been in New York, San Francisco and Boston
And everyone's called me a fuckin pussy
with my liberal agenda
I'm in fucking Nashville right now
And if you want to shoot me, now's the perfect time
there's eight cameras, Ob I
Think we're good. I think
It's sad that the country's got to the stage that when you buy theater tickets you go I get get ones on the aisle
So we can run
Everyone wanted to get in the middle. We're like that. Oh, you're sitting ducks in the middle you'll
There anyway Donald trump. Now. Don't get me wrong. He's a lot of fun
There's and there's a little bit of me. There's a little bit of me that way
that thinks
Fuck it. Let's do it
Let's do it and see how fucking crazy shit in gay
Because he just in case what happens is
He says really simple shit that means nothing and then fucking dummies
Right if you've ever said this sentence, I like him because he's a straight talker. You're a dumbest shit
Just because someone says something simple that you understand
Doesn't mean they're a straight talker. You can say complex thing and be telling the truth
They're like because you guys I'm going to make America great again, and you're like I've got everyone that sentence
He's like. I'm Gonna build a wall. I have a wallet hard
through Straight talk up
And then he didn't say shit
That you know what happened Gotta build a wall, Mexico's got to pay for it
Who where I haven't heard of Mexican yet? Oh, I hear we've got this what are you talking about?
What the fuck you talking about? That's just saying shit. He's like a kid running for class president
Who's just walking around going? And we've got to have two lunches?
There's going to be a soda machine in every classroom - Bill football rolls
But here's where it doesn't get fun
And that's all good fun
But Israel's not fun, right?
What he does is he preys on fear
as soon as he at the beginning of his are Mexicans are coming over and they're raping and
there was a there was a terrorist attacking when I fuck I got from the muslims ah
We should kill the families of Muslims by the way, you're not allowed to do
We and then it's just and then he started saying after the Paris attacks
We should we should put every muslim on a register
We shouldn't let any more refugees coming from Syria and the muslim that live here in a referee on a register
It you that means is his win as soon as he says that is is a fucking one
Right because their plan to shoot people in Paris. That's not at the end plan
They didn't kill 128 people ago ah that's that done. You know I mean
It's a recruitment tool, and it can only the recruitment tool. Can only work if hate is bread
Right so what he does is
He says are we going to ban them we're not gonna let any more in the country in the ones here have to be on
A register now you're a 16 year old boy, or girl. That's a muslim living in this country
You've lived your entire life in this country
you've always considered yourself American, and then all of a sudden someone who could be your president says you are not welcome here and
That you should be put on a register now. That kid how fucking quickly. Do you think that kid could be radicalized now?
Before was going to be radicalized at all
you
So what he's trying to do is he's trying to defeat hate
With hate and hate doesn't beat hate it's never fucking beaten hate it
Just makes more hate now this might be the most hippie thing that ever comes out of my mouth
But it's true. The only thing that can beat hate is love now. Love doesn't always beat hate okay
It's damn. It doesn't always beat
Hope it does do something right now think about your own personal life
Think about a person who hates you and you hate them from now on to show that person nothing, but love now
I'm not saying for a second that that person will start loving you. They'll probably still fucking hate you
But one thing will happen eventually
Everyone will see them as the asshole
Don't be the arsehole America. Don't be
so
to summarize
You can only be paid with love now in saying that I hate Muslims
They are in Phase B. Sentence I
Hate muslims I hate Christians. I hate the armies. I'd put us say the snake people. I hate Jews
I don't know who I've missed it
seeks a tall
Our fight in this world is not against islam. It's against religion be very clear about this
Because I can tell you this for sure
No, one's head has ever been cut off in the name of atheism
No one has ever cut into human flesh and look down camera and gone in the name of nothing
Now let me be clear about this
If you're religious, I'm sure you might some of you might be very nice, but you are slowing us down
We're trying to move forward and you're in the fucking way. I'm sorry
See there's a lighter you'll be told throughout your life that will go along the lines of this
We have to save the planet. There's no bigger lie than we have to save the planet
We don't have to save the planet
We have to save us the human race the planet does not give a fuck about us, and it will be happy when we're gone
We are in the planets way. Have you ever seen one of those documentaries where they go?
This is what New York will look like one year after the human race dies and it's all covered in vines and shit
The Planet once is gone as soon as we're gone the planet will go
We've got to do dinosaurs again Riley
So we have to save ourselves and spyder the planet trying to kick us the fuck off right now imagine that
The World is a train track
Society's a train and as society has always had to do the train has to move forward because if it stops moving
Forward we will run out of resources around the train because we stationary and the Gears will lock up and the vines will take over
So it has to keep going forward now in this train
We have the people in the engine room the people who are running the show?
and those people in our society who run the show a
scientists these are the people who are inventing medicines for you to live longer and
surgeries for you to live longer and finding alternative fuel sources and
Engineers, they're making machines that run more efficiently
Right now all these really scientists now whether you like it or not
Scientists are primarily
Atheists, and they're all in the front carriage dragging us along now in the second carriage
We have a bunch of cunts that I don't think getting fucking enough flak
agnostics these fucking wishy-Washy fuck
They're all standing around the second carriage going who knows
Maybe there is a god maybe there isn't god maybe your god and your god of the same garbage
Like I know there was a big bang, but who made the Big Bone I?
Wouldn't consider myself
you know religious, but I am spiritual and
Then there's this last carriage in the last carriage is 50 times bigger than the other two carriages combined
and it's carrying the rest of the population of the human race and
It's just filled with cunts wearing hats for reasons. They don't know and
Growing beards because they think they have to and some of the women are covering their faces and cowering
everyone's dancing around going vertically on men on a cloud and
There are so many of these cunts that the train is hardly fucking moving
and
The people in the engine room are like this
If I just pull this peg here
Here do you know how fast we being my ticket? Oh?
Well, we're not going to change people's opinions. I guess not
now
With the hate mail that I get from the guns they always sort of start the same way it always makes me laugh
Every letter starts with eight buddy. You shouldn't even say anything
You're not from here
who's the weakest argument ever okay as Americans from now on don't use that argument all right because you're
Americans it's not like historically you have kept your opinions to yourself
It's not like I've ever been a party in the uk and there's an American guy there, and I've heard this sentence cheese
He's a quiet chap
You're the loudest people on Earth
And then they always say this in this bucket spins me out
Well, I don't expect an australian to understand freedom
What are you talking about?
you constantly say
Freedom all the time like is it always so free where we fight for freedom freedom freedom come to the freedom lounge at the airport?
Like fucking what?
You know when you're singing the national anthem at the baseball and the person?
Holds the note free for a little bit longer than they should until all you americans fucking cum in your pants for
the land of the free
so free
Freedom this freedom that free free free now. I hate to break it to you because I don't think many of you know this
There are 92 free countries on the planet democratic free country you were one of them
Every single English-speaking country on Earth is free and most of the countries are also free
Now you're very free don't get upset
And I have a wonderful of America. I truly do I live here and I love it
I'm nothing against and none of the things I'm about to mention affect you
if it affect me in any way, right
You may not be the freest place on Earth
Just a quick example out of the 92 free countries on the planet you have the highest rate of incarceration
1% of your adult population is in prison that double that of the country that comes in second
Which is South Africa if you've ever been to South Africa South Africa's fuck
So you're double that of South Africa?
so statistically in the land of the free
You have the least amount of free people
now
This is a super simple one super simple argument in Holland
You can smoke weed
whilst fucking a hooker in
front of a cop
How dare hollered not be called the land of the free?
You honestly think you're competing with Holland
in
Canada just
Last year they legalized assisted
Suicide for the sick which I believe is the biggest freedom of them all it's your life. No government
No, religious group should ever tell you
When you get the check out?
If you're a pro-life person good do it with your life, not mine right now
And also, I don't think they've thought about I don't think there's even the most evangelical
Christian who's a burn victim just like hanging up the life support in the hospital just
This wasn't free
And I'm so glad they're doing it in Canada because if I ever had an assisted suicide, I wanted to be a Canadian doctor I
Want some guy rocking up to my house like okay? You're ready then and
So I hear that someone's giving up on Life eh
All right, let me just set up my little death machine here
And I'll I I'm gonna put this in your vein and you're gonna be so sleepy so soon. I tell you what they're
In Australia, maybe 20 years ago, maybe 20 they they legalize prostitution
They thought it'd be the downfall of our society
But it really wasn't it was a great thing like in sydney where I grew up that the streets always had
Hookahs walking around everywhere there was needles, and it was a very seedy city in some parts
And then when they did with a legalized prostitution they moved all the hookers into brothels
and I'm because I'm using the brothels all the girls had to be tested for stDs and
Then the guys they could see the tests as they go in so it was safer for the men
But it was also safe for the women because what they did was they put security in these brothels
So if you showed up like a drunk idiot they wouldn't let you in or if you've got a bit of a grow they kick
you the fuck out so the girls were safer the men were safer human trafficking was all but eliminated and
tax Revenue and up and the divorce rate dropped by 80%
There is no downside to legalized prostitution now in America prostitution is illegal unless
You film it
How is that possible? How the fuck is that possible?
How do you have the biggest porn industry in the world and you still have a legal prostitution?
Because it is legal to pay a woman for sex, but your friend Dave has to be in the corner with a camera
and
Dave has to film it
And Dave likes to promise to put on the internet because if Dave doesn't put it on the internet
Then a crime is being committed and that
Girl can be 18 years old
And then she can be surrounded by ten men that she barely knows and they can all jack off onto her face
Until she's glaze would come
and
No Crime has been committed
But in America and only in America, she's too young to have a beer
if anyone deserves a beer
He's allowed to frame the home of the bride is to go attend like to come in a face
In fact if you have ten loads are coming your face you should get free drinks wherever you go?
You seem like a fun girl
Or a heavy sleeper
Now before I go
my son did three and
My girlfriend made me write him a letter on his third birthday for him to open when he was 18. I don't know fucking why
So you haven't chicks this goal? You need to do this thing. I'm like why?
15 Years boy
But I did it you know so I wrote the letter
I'm really bad at writing things on paper a terrible handwriting. I'm basically illiterate. That's fucking
And so I'm like do you hank so you're a man now?
I'm sure you've made me very proud
Unless of course you're a drug addict or something
Time to think of it. There are many ways to disappoint me
Who knows I might be dead by now, or you might be dead and I'm reading this whales crying
I
Am
So I write the letter. I just I thought
Little life tips things that you should do in life, so the next thing I wrote was this a wise man once said
Try not to be a cunt
And then I gave him little bits of advice like if you get a parking ticket. Just pay it right away. Don't leave it
it's planning out and
always love your mum, and I mean this if my son is watching this at 18 right now watching me perform, but
No
Person has ever loved you more than your mother loves you. So you always be good to that woman
and then
and then I wrote about I
Just thought I'd tell him about the good things and the bad things in my life and the things I did well and the things
I didn't do well and I've
Been very open about this, and I feel like by being open about this it helps others
I guess I don't know but I've always a
Fairly severe depression my life suicidal at times, and it's a very selfish thing
Depression because you know I know my life's good, and I can't wrap my brain around it
I just I don't right now my brains going wasn't maybe this special isn't as good as the last one. You know. It's okay
And so I've never really enjoyed success of I've never really had pure happiness like some people do I I?
I'm such a pessimist thing when you meet these people who go you're such a glass
Half-empty, sort of guy
And it's like a nice glass half full cans fuck them
You know I mean I've never met a successful
glass-Half-full cunt
Will never be anything if you think the glass is half-full if you want to get ahead in this world
Walk in the room and go why isn't that fucking glass full?
Anyway, so I thought about what would make me happy. What would have made me happy
What makes other people happy and so right too much? I think the secret to happiness is is this
The Secret to Happiness is being good looking
Now throughout your life people will lie to you and say things like kindness or being good to others or family or some shit
The only way to truly be happy in this world is to be good looking now in this world
We have everything from one being the ugliest person on Earth to 10 being the best looking person on Earth
And we have everything in between and there's very few ones
And there's very few Tuesday's baby three then four five six is the meat of the bell curve
That's where 95% of the population is average looking four five six and seven eight nine ten now
I've been looking out at the audience here
Pretty good like I spotted an eight or what or what they call an L a 6I?
You know I?
Spotted an 8 that's pretty good, Nashville man. Don't be offended
Like change the Super-rare like I've never seen there's never been at any moment ever
I don't think ken's come to things like this
I think I think chains are sitting at home with other teens go I'm so happy. Hey
And nines are as rare as tens almost the nine is just an imperfect 10 or 90s like a teen was like a fucked up
Toe or something
So nate's pretty good now regrettably there is a 2 in the audience
Now I'm not going to point you out. You know who you are
There are no ones ones are as rare as ted
I've seen about five ones in my life
Yeah, Wednesday really leave the house. They
They know they upset the rest of us
Like the only time you catch a one is they're going to a doctor's appointment or something
And it really is upsetting
Like you walk by the nobody being like lifted out of a minivan with a special crane onto a special chair
And when you see you one, it does ruin your day doesn't it?
You walk by the one in you're like. Oh fuck me. Oh
That's a fucking one if ever I've seen one
You get to work, and you can't focus and your boss is like. What's wrong with you, and you're like
I saw a fucking one. They're not
And they're like I couldn't have been it was that bad
You weren't there?
Bullshit I was going to eat today
Now in case anyone's wondering
And I know you're not
I'm a five
You know the reason I'm a finalist as I said
95% of the population, it's four five six an average looking here and being now the reason
I'm a five is this when I walk past people
nothing happens
People don't get upset nor they get disappointed we all move on with our lives I
have had
But it's shithead
Five I have teeth there little yellow you're a little crooked, but they're all there
Five I
Have eyes they do not sparkle, but they do face in the same direction
five
And because I was five that means society is deemed it okay for me, and other fives to get into dimly lit rooms
And we can fuck each other
And no one gets upset. They're like oh, it's a couple of fives fucking let them have their fun
and we get in there with our average five bodies like this my little gut
Resting on Earth fucking imperfect floppy awesome. He's just fuckin
I'm sweating on each other cos neither his workout, and
Grabbing onto an average kit like I
And the two of us are thinking about like a seven that we know that we actually want to fuck
I'm like maybe if you get depressed or something I could swoop in there it would be
Because that's fives we do not think about the nines and the tens
Because we dare not touch the sun
now
I'm a minor celebrity
so that means I get to fuck sixes I
Fucked the shit out of sixes people go he's off the telly egan fucker six
Fucks and seven yeah fuck some sevens cop lights one nine
Best day ever fuck the nine now
I'm also a drinker. So I have fucked some fours
the shitload of three
and one two and
When I fucked the two
That was the lowest point in my life. I gave up drinking for 18 months. I've go fuck the two
That's how important it is to be good-looking. I fuck the two and my whole self Esteem was ruined and I
Went I remember when I fucked the two. I woke up in them hang on
I'm still writing the letter to my son by the way
So I remember when I fuck the to hank and I woke up
Next to her and I rolled over like I was hungover like what happened, and then I saw him with oh, no fuck this
and I went to the fetal position as that arise - fucking - that's a - that's a -
You know everybody in this world likes to think they're a good person
Not all of us arguably we all think we're a good person and so my brain did this come on Jim
You're better than this
Maybe if you talk to it
Maybe you'll find out the thing has dreams or feelings
Give that a go
So I rolled over with the best of intentions like hey, do I know fuck off and I obey
And she tried to comfort me with her claude
I'll never forget the two
But it's been so long now that I can laugh about it. I
Do laugh about it
I've been my car remembering how the two was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I was like this oh
You fucked up to
classic Jim, Jeffrey
When will you ever learn?
and I was sitting in the car, and I was thinking about how fucking the -
It was the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and then my brain did a horrible thing my brain went
That's how the nine felt when she woke up next to you
Ladies and gentlemen thank you so much
you
you
you
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