My sexual life was like nothing.
Sex was like a business meeting for me.
Okay honey. Ten minutes and don't cum on my jacket!
Big or small I couldn't reach an orgasm.
And you can't call a repairman for that. I'm not a washing machine.
Thousands of women in the world have a similar problem.
Boring husband, unskilful lover, sex as a duty.
Sometimes a tiny little thing can save your life.
Little pill. Pronelux.
I'm not teaching children anymore. Now I'm teaching big guys!
An orgasm? Not only that! I'm destroying our furniture during sex!
Now I just love fucking!
The world has a new hit. Love hysteria broke out.
Pharmacies and drugstores are under siege. What is it all about?
Of course it is about sex Carl. Sex is more passionate, superior, better.
Viagra is a past. Now it is the time of Pronelux.
Whatever your sex was before. With Pronelux it's gonna be fantastic!
Beautiful! Intensive! Animal!
Pronelux! Pronelux! Pronelux!
Enjoy it! Experience it!
Sex is your joy. Sex is love.
Sex is Pronelux.
I can confirm myself that it's great!
And who is responsible for that sexual revolution? Dr. James Hubbard.
This is not a cure for illness, dysfunction or pain.
This is the pill just for your own joy. For your pleasure.
For the most intensive sexual experiences of your life.
I'm not doing it for the money. It's for the people.
Women will be moaning. Men will not be able to stop.
And if your lover or husband will have a heart attack during sex.
At least it was worth it.
People are not working or cooking.
Police units are dealing with cases of sexual harassment and sex on the streets.
I ate three pills of Pronelux at once. Now I have a hard on for fourteen days!
Look at it!
It looks like the new hit, Pronelux, has some serious side effects.
We warn you not to use it.
The government temporarily bans Pronelux. The investigation will continue.
Like a rock!
There are reports of some kind of mutation.
The women taking the medication are changing to some... What?!
Giant. Carnivorous. Vaginas.
Moving, slaughterous vaginas.
Mega cunts?
Welcome to the Jimmy Bottom Show.
Today, our guest is Greg. The man who survived his girlfriend's mutation.
His story has been made into a film or rather a porn movie
„Honey You Are a Pussymonster!" You can win it in our contest
or buy it in our e-shop.
Please welcome Greg!
Welcome to my talk show.
Tell us what happened that night.
-Do you want to hear everything? -The whole story.
Okay, my girlfriend and I were going to have...
Sex!
Yes. You know... at that time, we liked some kinky stuff. Bondage and so on...
You don't have to be shy. I myself am a fan of things like that. What happened?
Okay. Kagney, my girlfriend, she tied me on the bed.
Give me some details Greg. Meanwhile, we can watch footage from the film.
Okay. She tied me up and swallowed a handful of those pills.
A handful? Not only one pill?
-No. She put them into her mouth. -Her mouth?
Yeah. She said: „Let's make it special big boy".
So I was there and...
Greg, wait a minute. Did you have a boner?
-Why do you ask? -I'm just that type of guy.
Of course I had a boner.
You know... She was so sweet and I...
I loved her.
Millions of people are watching you right now.
They need to know what happened!
Although we see it quite nicely here.
Those pills made her sick and she went to the bathroom.
And she left you there... in the middle of blowjob? Can I say that?
I think so.
I thought she was running into the bathroom because she was so horny.
Suddenly, I heard some strange sounds.
-Like some roaring. -Some roaring like..."roaaar"?
No. It was much more scary.
-Okay, what happened next? -In the bathroom, she...
She turned into a huge pussy! She was as big as a house!
It was...
Something terrible!
And I... I really don't like...
-I really don't like big pussies! -Me neither! What happened then?
Well, she...
-She did not get out of there. -She got stuck in the bathroom?
Yes.
And you were still tied up?
-Yes. -And still with that...?
-Still with a boner. -Okay. So how did you get out of it?
I was not tied too tightly so...
I untied the ropes and...
And I ran away.
Greg... wait... perhaps you've missed a few details.
So if I understand,
you did not fight that monster? You did not kill it?
No. The U. S. Army took care of it.
So here is the story.
You were tied up, she turned into a huge pussy and you've escaped.
Yes.
And that's it. She mutated, you escaped.
Yes.
Well done Greg! That means your story is a piece of shit!
Fortunately, the movie is much better.
Nonetheless, it's scary. Do not take Pronelux.
For now let's all prefer masturbation. And watch Jimmy Bottom Show.
Little boy Rick is next.
The boy whose grandmother stuffed a tennis ball into his butthole. Enjoy!
This is a global epidemic but our army can stop it!
Do not leave your house. Sex is forbidden.
My fellow Americans.
These are the dark times.
Not only for our country
but for the whole planet.
If your wife or your mother-in-law
looks like a giant vagina,
you have to shoot her.
Kill them!
Shoot them!
Destroy them!
In the name of the United States.
Kill those cunts!
May God be with us.
Citizens will be issued weapons at many of our army's special points.
Our soldiers will teach you how to handle the weapon.
We must fight back! We have to fight together!
This weapon is very easy to use. I killed most of my family with it.
My grandmother, grandfather, uncle, auntie... almost everyone.
Have they been mutated?
I think so.
Diane?
Diane!
We thought that cloning or machines will kill us.
But instead...
We are going to be killed by...
Giant vaginas!
Holy fuck!
Everything went to shit!
We're screwed!
My dearest customers, I apologize for interrupting your broadcast.
My name is Dr. Hubbard, the founder of Pronelux.
And our sales are great! I'd like to show you something.
This is my sweet nurse assistant.
And this is our patient X. You know her well from our commercials.
She's here on a voluntary basis. To experience something extraordinary.
And it's a pleasure for me to do it.
We will give her the drug that hundreds of thousands of you
kept swallowing for better sex.
I hope it was worth it.
Will you tell them what's in the syringe?
This is liquid and concentrated Pronelux my dear doctor.
Well done. Let's start.
Before the process starts I would like to warn you
that this is going to be a little bit scary.
So if your children are watching...
Dear consumers of Pronelux...
This is going to happen to you too.
Sex has made you. And sex will destroy you!
You cannot escape! The contagion will spread.
A vaginal apocalypse is waiting for us!
I had a dream about the mutation again! It never ends!
I had a dream about Shang Tsung killing my brother again! I'll never save him!
Is everything okay Tommy?
Yeah.
-Is it Monday? -Yeah.
I'm major Frank Vulvis. September 25th 2056.
Only the four of us survived.
Me, lieutenant Squirt, captain Screw and our medic Ricky Foreskin.
We found a lair two days ago. And we neutralized it.
But we lost five of our tough men.
What was the name of that black guy?
-Schlong! -That was his name?
Yeah, Schlong.
That monster bit off Schlong's hand. And some other part of his body.
Actually he was completely eaten!
Then our private Shemale. That got really ugly.
He was ugly too.
The next was Bobby „the sniffer" Deepthroat. Our tracker.
Although.. he was not a good tracker.
B.J.J.F. and Robert Facial were killed too.
Facial was a really good friend. May they rest in peace.
They're not resting. They're fucked.
They're eaten!
Our mission is to rescue any survivors from the military shelters.
Find out if anyone is alive. And find some safe place to live.
It's gonna be a long way.
You sound so heartfelt.
As if we're going on a journey through unknown space.
Like captain Kirk.
And what should I say? Nobody will hear it anyway.
Maybe we're the last guys in the country.
And our only sexual object is Ricky! We're fucked!
-By Ricky. -Shut up!
Ricky, supplies?
Old Snickers, some wet biscuits,
the last few litres of water, two bottles of booze,
dried dog's meat,
antidepressants,
anabolics for the captain,
chewing gums...
and the last can of Coca-Cola!
A can of Coca-Cola...
I didn't drink Coca-Cola for a... fucking million years!
Johnny! We are saving this can! How long is it expired?
Fifteen years.
Where there's Coke there's hospitality.
Taste the feeling.
This can was made two years after the judgement day.
Those Coca-Cola guys were still making it two years after that shit.
They were very brave.
Does anybody hear?
Any military unit out there?
This is general Testicle! I got into a trap.
I have a box of cigars with me.
My coordinates are forty...
General? General? Can you hear me? This is V1. The connection is fucked.
General this is V1 unit. Can you hear me? Over.
Who is general Testicle?
You don't know general Testicle?
General Testicle is the toughest guy in the army.
17 years ago...
He was in the retirement home. He was about 70 years old back then.
They told him: „Sir, we need you back in action!"
He pushed away his bowl of porridge.
He pushed away his nurse. He pushed away death!
-And he took off his nightgown. -And under it he had his uniform!
-That's bullshit. -That's how it happened.
It's true. The guy is a legend!
General Testicle has destroyed more pussies than John Holmes.
-The hero of the resistance. -We have to rescue him! We owe him!
And he said he has the box of cigars. The only smell protection!
This transmitter does not have much range. So he has to be close.
-What coordinates did he say? -Forty three? Forty five?
-What coordinates?! -I was too amazed that he's still alive!
You are the worst bunch for the salvation of mankind!
You're like school boys in a girls' dressing room!
Acting tough, making stupid jokes, but it's all talk!
Pack up, we need to contact our general.
The best signal will be on the hill.
You are a very smart boy Ricky.
You cannot get me.
I survived North Korea.
Four marriages.
My prostate.
And I will survive this too.
You bitches.
Emergency call. This is general Testicle.
-If you can hear me, come help me. -General? We can hear you!
-Hallelujah! -Repeat your coordinates!
Forty three. Fifty seven. Fifty two.
One hundred and fourteen. Forty four. Fifty.
I got into a lair. Only a steel gate protects me from them.
Understood, general. Stay on your position.
And where the fuck would I go?!
I told you I'm trapped! What kind of idiots are you?!
Major Frank Vulvis, captain Screw,
lieutenant Squirt and medic Foreskin, sir. We are coming to get you.
Then may Trump's golden hair protect me.
-Ricky, how far is it? -About half a day in this direction.
We'd better haul ass.
Ricky, go ahead. Your nice butt will be like a star for a sailor to me.
-Okay. -You're so disgusting Squirt!
Keep the formation and be careful.
You never know where a killer pussy is lurking.
I just want to keep his butt from you Vulvis.
Hey guys! What about some break? I'm tired!
Squirt, nobody else complains, so no break.
For ten years I hear about your pain, your mood, your sleep, your shit!
Do me a favor and shut the fuck up!
And you're not tired, captain?
They did not teach me how to be tired in my youth.
They didn't teach captain a lot of things.
How to be sad, how to feel pain, how to be merciful.
And why didn't they teach you?
I grew up in a bunker.
My mother mutated before she could teach me anything.
How could she change in a bunker?
There were some new refugees at that time. One of them was infected.
It was Christmas. I had to kill my mom
with a Christmas tree stand.
I was four years old. At six I was in the Army.
Little Ricky was in a bunker to the age of 13.
-Until you came. -And we saved you.
And you killed my entire family!
Your sisters had little tentacles on their faces. I told you that.
Maybe they wanted some extra money and got infected.
I fired hundred bullets on them.
But you know that you are like a little brother to us. We will never hurt you.
Yeah. But even brothers can do some fucked up things to each other.
Can you hear me? I'm speaking to that unit of assholes.
General, can you hear me? Can you speak?
Guys, you're slow like snot from my nose.
So please tell...
-Tell my... -If your wife is still alive,
-we're gonna tell her anything. -Cut that shit!
Tell my teenage Thai mistress Thai-Li
that I didn't want to fuck that group of cheerleaders.
-Tell her that. -No, general. You will tell her.
But I wanted to save the humanity. To make more children.
And guys? You have to move your asses 'cause I've got a huge box of cigars here!
-Fuck. -How far?
We're just two fingers... two miles from you.
-We're coming to get you, general! -I'm waiting!
Come, baby. Come to your daddy.
Knock-knock.
Go fuck yourself!
I've got a little problem here!
Die!
Two giant bitches are here! Oh fuck! Die!
You hairy cunt!
-He can't handle that! -General Testicle is indestructible!
He's gonna kill that bitch!
-I killed that bitch. -I told you. He's fine!
-But I'm fucked! -Shit!
-Are you hurt, general? -If being hurt means
that half my body turned to bloody shit, then yeah.
-I'm a bit injured, you asshole! -You'll walk it off!
-Press the wound! -I'm still so young!
I'm just eighty years old!
-General? Stay on your position! -It has already begun. I'm gonna change!
So don't touch those cigars! Let's go!
That's the building.
Cigars?
Hey guys, my last grenade!
Ricky!
Medic!!!
-I'm the medic! -Fuck.
Put that under your head so you can't swallow your tongue!
You've got a scratch here.
Ricky!
-You can fix that. -Jesus, it's too many stitches!
We'll dance together again.
-Slow dance! -Oh God no!
-Why you? Why not Vulvis instead? -And why not you, asshole?!
Go fuck yourself!
Is the wind making your stomach feel cold?
I don't know, I don't have any...
Fuck that grenade piece of shit!
Ricky. Stay with me!
Let's sing a song together!
„When you think that you are alone..."
„Come to the forest, overstep that stone..."
„A bunch of friends, they are waiting there..."
„In the Green valley, it can be anywhere..."
-What the fuck are you doing Vulvis?! -Do you think that I'm enjoying it?!
He can't survive anyway! And we have to eat something!
Ricky! You can survive that! Never mind the organs!
Oh God. Another good friend!
Fucking soldier life!
Leave me a liver.
Why we have to eat everyone who dies.
Let's kill those cunts. Let's get those cigars!
This is major Frank Vulvis.
Now we are under the factory.
We are going to rescue general Testicle.
But he's probably a huge pussy now...
So we're going for the cigars.
Okay. Go first, captain. You are the biggest guy here.
I know situations like this.
Narrow corridors always sucks. Every time one of us dies.
And if we could split, we would be in deep shit!
Shut the fuck up!
The man in the front is always dead first.
Like our private Facial.
He was in the front and he got it right into his face.
You never know if you'll be alive for 17 days or 17 hours.
Or 17 seconds!
Be careful!
You can disappear in the dark. We won't be able to find you.
Then black hand grabs me. I say: „Oh, Mr. Arnold!"
But you're not there. You're already dead! And only your black hand is with us.
I'm not black!
And there are no raptors in that darkness!
Take a step back, Johnny.
I'm not a birthday cake, so you can not bite any pieces of me!
Oh fuck, it's general Testicle!
Contact!
Die!
How you like that, you bitch?!
Die you cunt! You ugly mutated old fart!
You pussyfart!
Die you fucking bitch!
Die, ugly cunt!
You won't get me down on my knees!
Run away, captain! Run away!
He can't! He has no legs!
Oh God! You dirty bitch, die!
What are you gonna do now?
Die you cunt!
You bitch!
Use your grenade! Use your grenade!
-He can't hear you! He has no head! -But he's still shooting!
Because his body is used to shooting since he was a baby.
His body doesn't know he has no head!
He's splendid!
I'm out of bullets. Throwing the grenade!
I would like to say that I'm too old for this shit.
But I'm not that old.
But retirement is not waiting for you.
Because there is none.
Damn it!
Captain Screw was pretty rough guy!
-He was a good soldier! -No.
He was my friend.
We have to complete the mission. Let's get those cigars.
Yeah.
Holy fuck.
-Can you see anything? -Yeah.
A big nothing.
My bullets are nearly gone.
Saving general Testicle was a big mistake!
General Testicle is now a dead cunt and if those cigars will not be there...!
Don't irritate me, motherfucker! Shut the fuck up!
I know that they're dead and we're fucked.
But the next huge pussy you can kill with your bullshit talks!
I have to express my feelings some way, Frank.
I've lost my best friend out there.
I've been running with a machine gun for years,
I have varicose veins from all that running.
Now I'm tired. I do not see any purpose.
I'd like to spend the rest of my life in an armored cottage, if not with some girl,
I'd like to live with some pretty guy.
And I thought it would be Ricky.
-Ricky. -He might not like the idea.
But it does not matter now. Because now it's just two of us!
And you're not my type of guy! So understand it, Frank!
-Understand it! -I really hate that man.
I think that I shat my pants after the explosion.
Can you just move your ass? Let's get those cigars!
-Are you okay? -I was just frightened by big... bird.
Yeah, I know that feeling.
Squirt, I found one dead pussy but no cigars!
You didn't find any cigars?
That old fart smoked all those cigars to save himself?!
Who the fuck is this?
He looks like... Doctor Hubbard.
Dr. Hubbard is dead. For many years.
-But he looks like him. -How do you know what he looks like?
-I saw plenty of pictures with him. -And I heard that people killed him.
Or that he changed into a giant cock and he blew up!
You just heard shitty rumors.
-I don't know exactly if this is... -It's me.
-What? -It's me.
Dr. James Hubbard.
-We can kill him. -Yeah.
And we will make a video about it. As a proof we killed him.
-And we're gonna torture him. -Fisting. -Throatfucking.
-Double-fisting. -Ballbusting... -Hey!
Before you will do these... things. Maybe you wanna hear why I am here.
Yeah? And what if we don't want to? What if we don't give a shit about it?
Isn't it strange that I was in the same building as the general?
-Of course we want to hear about it! -Yeah. But speak fast.
-We don't have the whole day for it! -Yeah! Just... a few more years.
Tell us what you know! I have to record this.
Now tell us. Why those beasts killed our general but you're still alive?
They don't want to kill me at all. I am sort of like their father.
U. S. Army wanted to use it so they didn't shoot me.
They wanted me to cooperate.
I was developing an antidote. Sort of a serum.
But it didn't work.
But... we had a plan B.
Invention of the time machine!
What now?!
Sorry, but this the biggest bullshit of them all!
-Except maybe the pussy teleport. -What the hell are you talking about?!
-I don't believe him. That's all. -So just fucking listen to him!
Now I'm fucking listening!
Thanks.
Everything was complete.
The time gate is on a precisely calculated location.
The „time remote control" was created. To approximately set the target year.
But determining the place was a problem.
The unit of soldiers authorized to make it work was unfortunately eaten.
-By those cunts you've made! -I know and I'm sorry, believe it or not.
You know... I understand that you hate me.
You won't believe it but I hate myself too. My life was not easy.
Yeah, now he's gonna blame his childhood.
My mother was in a prison.
And my father, because he knew nothing else...
-He was a gigolo... -Shut the fuck up! We don't care!
Now tell us... Where is the „time remote control"?
Hello, poppet.
I knew it would be hidden
inside his ass.
-No more secret weapons in there? -Now please leave it.
Ok, Squirt, let him rest. We have to think.
It's gonna be a long night for you.
I saved the world with the time machine.
Please, do not thank me.
I just want this white house and plenty of naked girls for the rest of my life.
-You have to screw up everything! -Where is he?
-Who? -That doctor!
-Did you eat him? You ate Ricky too! -No, the doctor was handcuffed.
Did you turn on the camera?
Maybe I turned it on when we were pulling that remote control out of his ass.
I though it was an important historical moment.
So let's look at the record.
-He's stealing that remote control. -What?
Who the fuck is that?
I can't let those two assholes ruin the last hope for saving humanity.
You will go with me to the past, doctor. Or no one will believe me.
I want everybody to know that the savior of the world is sergeant Doug Labia.
-Who? -It's me, of course.
The last survivor of unit V-Dreizehn.
A German unit?
Stop asking and go!
Come on. We have to get those bastards. They're going to that time-fucking place.
I can't stand it anymore, Frank.
Just shoot my head off and fuck the mission.
-You have to believe. -I don't want to believe anything.
But I still believe that I'm going to use that nice toilet inside.
Hey!
I don't want to hurt anyone! I'm on your side!
Yeah? We think you're not friendly at all.
What?
I've been waiting for you, Doug.
Hey! What the fuck is that?!
I came from the future.
It's working.
Yeah. It's working. Thank you.
What the hell are you doing? Am I...
-Am I really that fat?! -Go fuck yourself.
You go fuck yourself! What's the meaning of this.
It means that you two idiots didn't set up the time machine right.
Why the fuck are you twice here?!
Because it works, you dumbass.
But I didn't go back in time by 30 years, only 30 days.
And the remote control didn't work the second time.
It's like a one-use only dildo.
-And you died for nothing. -What?!
That bastard, sergeant Doug, pretended to be our friend.
Before he died horribly, he sent us to a cave.
You've lost your hands so I've killed you by pretty headshot.
After that I travelled in time but everything went wrong.
What did you just say? Why the headshot? We're like brothers!
Even brothers can do fucked up things to each other.
-That's a fact. -I don't understand.
-How can I be twice? -Wait, wait, wait...
What if it's a trap?
What if he is a cunt in some human suit.
-You are the cunt in human suit! -It's nice to see you again, Squirt.
So I can tell you again to fuck off!
Yeah. It's me.
And what are we going to do now? Nothing?
I'll give you the motorcycle and this.
I'll show you the dangerous places on my map.
You will go straight to that time machine thing.
No more caves, no more tunnels, no more shit!
No tricky doctor who wants to kill you in your sleep.
You will set up that crap right to travel to the past.
There you can kill that motherfucker in his younger version.
You will save the world and you're going to be heroes.
Our camera records are the perfect proof.
Well... It sounds really nice.
But I still think that it's bullshit.
And should I go to the past? Like me-me? Or you-me will go?
-I think that you should go. -I was thinking that I should go.
And you should die.
But then I thought... If I kill my old self,
my new self can't arrive to the present to kill my old self at all.
I'm not really sure about it.
I don't want to create some creepy time-shit problem.
-It's a paradox. -So we are going to kill you?
No. It's just too weird. I will stay here.
But you... don't take off your helmet.
Because where you're going,
are pretty fucked up roads.
I'm sorry, honey.
But we've got a date with your father!
-Where are we? -And when are we?
Long live king Henry!
Where the fuck are we now?
Great Scott!
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