Sweety, could you press the subscribe button?
The police have daddy's fingerprints on file.
Australia, home to friendly people, beautiful beaches and breathtaking scenery.
So come on down to visit, mate!
If you want to die a horrible, painful death.
This message brought to you by the Australian Tourist Council.
Now, I admit I don't know much about Australia.
I once applied for a job there but they said I wasn't koalafied.
Really, all I know about Australia I learned from Paul Hogan and that song by those construction
workers.
Or was it the guys who lost their headwear?
I don't know.
One of them sings about Australia and one of them sings about dancing safely.
I'll never remember which is which and neither will you.
Okay, but enough of that, let's get on to the fun stuff - suffering and death.
Here are 5 Reasons to Nope the F Out of Australia.
Number 5, sharks.
Joey, you don't think sharks are sexy, do you?
No…
Wait a minute, wait, what was the Little Mermaid?
Perhaps no other animal on earth is as feared as the great white shark, the species featured
in the movie Jaws.
They have 222 razor-sharp teeth and can detect electromagnetic fields emitted from anything
with a pulse.
But while they are deadly hunters, they don't spend much time around humans, making them
less of a threat than we imagine.
The species you should be concerned about is the bull shark, which gets its name from
its aggressive, unpredictable behavior.
Besides for being just plain meaner than the great white, the bull shark likes to swim
in shallow waters, making it much more likely to encounter humans.
If you do ever encounter a shark in the ocean, just remember, you don't have to swim faster
than the shark, you just have to swim faster than your slowest friend.
Or, just follow this advice from the U.S. government.
You can repel them with sounds, by striking the surface of the water with your cupped
hand.
Or you can shout underwater.
Remember, that as a human being, you are smarter than a shark.
Sharks aren't the only fish in Australia that can kill you.
Next on the list is the stonefish.
That's STONE-FISH, not a "stoned fish".
How do fish get stoned?
Seaweed.
While there are many species of poisonous fish, most aren't deadly enough to be fatal.
The stonefish is an exception.
It is one of THE most venomous fish in the world.
Yes, yes, it is poisonous, potentially fatal, but, if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
Its name comes from the fact that it can camouflage itself into a brown or grey color that looks
like a stone.
As a result, many stings occur from people stepping on them on the beach.
So not only is it deadly, but you won't even see it coming.
"Hey look, a stone!"
"Nope!
Instant death!"
Number 3, snakes.
Australia has snakes, lots of them.
You got to really look out for snakes, cause there's a lot of venomous snakes here.
Big snakes, fast snakes, poisonous snakes, Australia has them all.
The country is home to over 170 species of snake and many of them are venomous.
I have had it with all these (censored) snakes on this (censored) plane!
And while you might think that giant pythons are your biggest worry, it's the eastern
brown snake you really need to watch out for.
Fast-moving, aggressive and known for their bad temper, eastern brown snakes are responsible
for more deaths every year in Australia than any other snake.
Not only is their venom ranked as the second most toxic of any land snake in the world
but they thrive in populated areas.
So if you ever come face-to-face with one of these bad boys, you better hope it comes
down with a sudden case of a reptile dysfunction and goes limp.
Number 2, the box jellyfish.
Jellyfish.
Jellyfish.
The box jellyfish is the most venomous jellyfish in the world.
They can be found swimming all around Australia's northern oceans.
They have 60 tentacles and each tentacle has several thousand stingers.
They are faster than normal jellyfish, have really good camouflage so are nearly invisible
and their sting is extremely painful.
Luckily, getting stung is usually fatal and there's no known antidote!
So you will only have to endure excruciating pain while your friend vainly urinates on
your leg for a few minutes before you die.
Good news everyone!
Number 1, spiders.
Many people have a fear of spiders.
Could I please here the voices of anyone here this evening who is frightened of spiders.
Thank you.
My people.
God bless you.
The rest of you, of course, (censored) eating scum, can (censored) off.
But don't worry, there isn't just one species of deadly spider in the world, there are several!
And most of them live in Australia.
The wolf spider, the mouse spider, the redback, and the black house spider are just a few
that you may want to consider avoiding.
But none are as deadly as the funnel-web spider, one of the most venomous spiders in the world.
The name comes from their funnel-shaped webs that they use to catch their prey.
And speaking of prey, that's exactly what you might want to consider doing if you're
ever bitten by one of these beasts.
Early symptoms of a funnel-web spider bite include sweating, nausea, vomiting, and shortness
of breath.
Late-stage symptoms include NO breath, lack of a pulse, extremely low body temperature,
and stiffness.
Spiders.
Oh, spiders.
There's always ready aren't they?
Aren't they always ready for… they're always ready for action, a spider.
It's always completely (censored) ready for action, like that.
Always ready for action, always.
This has been 5 Reasons to Nope the F Out of Australia.
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