Hey hey, my friend! Welcome to Parenting A to Z! I'm Kelly Bourne, and this week we're
diving into that age-old question: to quit or not to quit?! How to deal when
your kids want to drop out of their extracurricular activities. So we're
gonna take a look at why our kids want to quit, how to deal, and then a few
things to keep in mind before signing your kids up for these activities to
set them up for success.
Oh man! It can be so hard, can't it?! When our kids have been
really gung-ho for these activities, we've signed them up, and then for
whatever reason they're wanting to put on the brakes. Maybe even
stepping back from it entirely. It can be hard as a parent. Because on the one hand,
it's like we don't want to raise a quitter, we don't want them to be
dropping out of everything, we want them to develop that sense of sticking to
what they commit to, but on the other hand, we don't want to force them or be
pushy, or sending them in a direction where they don't really want to be going.
So today I've got a few things just to keep in mind as you're listening to your
kids, and following your gut feeling as to what to do. Because it's one of
those things where I so wish I had like, an easy button for you, and it was just
as simple as, "Well, if they sign up, they complete all the lessons!" Cuz it's not
really that easy and it's not really that simple. So first and
foremost, something to really keep in mind, really in all situations, is to
really allow your kids' motivation to take the lead. Because I think sometimes
as parents (not sometimes but a lot of the time!), we can kind of push our kids
to follow maybe what our interests were as kids. And there's absolutely nothing
wrong with that, at all, exposing them to a wide variety of activities, but it's
just keeping in the back of our mind what our motivation is. Are we trying to
live vicariously through our kids? How much pressure are we putting on our kids?
Is there that sense of feeling like, okay, this was mom's thing so I really need to
be awesome at figure skating... Are we subconsciously kind of doing that? Or are
we taking taking the lens of, "Here's what it is,
what do you think?" and kind of leaving it in in their
hands? So that's something always always to keep in mind, whether it's in
academics or extracurriculars or starting their new job or volunteer
activities, is really allowing them to take the lead. Because that's where that
sense of motivation, that's where that sense of perseverance will eventually
come. It's when they already have that internal interest themselves. And then
the second thing that kind of goes along with that, is just recognizing for
ourselves that forcing our kids will never make them enjoy it. Whether it's
forcing them in in the first place, trying to get them to do an activity
that they've told us, "I don't want to do ball hockey, mom! Why are you
signing me up for this?!" Same thing is when they're in the activity. If they
maybe did want to sign up for an activity and now they're not so sure
about it, trying to force them and just like, steamroll them, cuz we can do that
sometimes right?! Like, just force it and push it and
get a little bit heavy-handed, that's not gonna create
a love of the game, or the love of the sport, or the love of the musical
instrument, or whatever it is. So I think it's also just remembering that
for ourselves, that forcing and pushing is only going to breed stress and
anxiety and eventually resentment. So you get the opposite of what you were
trying to achieve in the first place.. Because if you keep pushing, and pushing,
and pushing, and pushing at something and they feel like you're not listening,
eventually they'll just start to throw up walls and want absolutely nothing to
do with whatever it is you were trying to introduce, of course with the best
intentions. So you can never win a love of sport through force. You just
can't. So for me, it's always just a ticket to kind of step back and
allow their interests to take the lead. So as you're keeping those two things in
mind, wanting to focus on where they're motivated and not forcing them into
anything, another great strategy is to sample. I feel like, I don't know what it
is! I don't know what it is, honestly, cuz I feel like it wasn't like this when I
was a kid. I know I'm totally turning into one of those people and talks about
"when I was a kid," but I feel like there wasn't this sense of hyper-commitment,
and if you're gonna play hockey, you have to start when you're three and you
have to play it all year long, you have to be in all these leagues...
I feel like there was more breathing room to sample different
activities and not this huge sense of commitment. Even on the level of
individual sports, having like two practices and three games from these
really really early ages. So if your kids are showing interest in something, try to
take the mindset of sampling before you commit. Because you can go and you can
play soccer with your four-year-olds out on the field on your own
time, to really see if there is an interest there, rather than signing up
for a Rep League where they're going in tournaments. Because there is
nothing that will squash that internal motivation more than throwing your kids
off the deep end, headlong into a competitive sport that they were just
kind of trying to test the waters in. So sampling, having that mindset of sampling,
especially with our younger kids, but it can be with our older kids too - if our
12 and 13 year olds suddenly start showing an interest in clarinet or
whatever -- it really could literally be anything -- instead of saying "Oh my gosh!
She's interested in something! Let's sign her up for this, and sign her up for that!"
Just allow her some breathing space to sample and play around at home.
Because that's when you'll start to see when your daughter's playing guitar for
three hours every day after school on her own. Just allow
her that space. And it'll progress naturally. You know it can
be hard when you see that they're interested in something to want to
really give them all the opportunities, but sometimes over-committing can turn
play into work. Maybe your daughter is just happy playing guitar on her own in
her room on her own time that's okay! She doesn't need to sign up for competitive
lessons and go on competitions and all that jazz. If she wants to do that
eventually she'll tell you. Leave the door open. But just go slow and try to
avoid the curse of over-committing. And if you find that your kids do get to
the point where they want to start being more competitive, they want to start
trying out playing in leagues, want to try out for the band or the competitive
cheer team, or whatever it is, try not -- and I know this can be so hard! Because
we want to give our kids everything, we want to give them all the opportunities,
try not to sign them up for anything if you are going to be really
upset you lose the registration fee. Try to
tailor your activities, and this is, of course, you do your
own thing, but it's something that we keep in mind for ourselves, because our
kids, they're still little. We don't know how involved they're gonna want to
be. Whenever we sign them up for something, we do it
fully knowing that they may not love it. That it may not be for them at all. And
we may need to back off of it. So if we're gonna be upset about the
registration fee, we won't sign them up for it. If we think it's too much, or if
we think it's gonna cause us stress, and if we feel like it may force us to kind
of push them to continue just because we forked out the money, we won't
sign them up for it. So that's a sign for us where we can just, you know, take them
scootering at the scooter park, or we can do whatever the activity is on our own
time, or for even the older kids, that's a great opportunity for them to start
saving up for their own registration fees. Heck, I remember in the Olympics a
story of one of our Canadian snowboarders was his parents didn't want him
to snowboard, so he had to work and he had to get the money to get his own
snowboard. And that's a perfect example right there, of following your
kids' motivation. Because when they're motivated they'll find a way to make it
happen. No forcing or anything on your end, they'll take the lead and just run
with it. And then as you're taking that next step, also before you sign on the
dotted line and hand over the registration fee, talk to your kids about
the commitment required. Is this just a short three week thing? Or is
this something that they're committing to for six months? And giving them an
idea of what they are signing up for. So if they are going to be having something
every Saturday morning all winter long, they know what that's going to look
like, and they know that, okay, by saying yes to this, I'm also going to be saying
no to that. So have all of those conversations well in advance. Another
really big thing to do is to take a look at the big picture. Because I think
sometimes as parents we can get so focused on wanting to provide our kids
with all these opportunities, we start to drown in them. We start to drown in them.
And things start to get a little bit heavy, when suddenly we realize, okay,
we've got to be in 18 different places every Tuesday night for the next
six months, and oh my god what did I sign myself up for! So as you're starting to
look at registrations and commitments and signing everyone up, look at the
big picture for everything. Look at what you've got going on in your own life, as
far as your work schedule, your social schedule, your kids' academic schedule, all
of that. Taking all of it into account and creating something that works well
for all of you. Nothing will kill motivation quicker than overwhelm, so
keep that big picture in mind. And then finally, the last thing, I guess I'll
leave with you before you go, I guess is the final, like, "to quit or not to quit"
question. If you have prepared yourself, you feel like you're following
your kids' lead, you're registering them in things that are appropriate for
their developmental ability, and it fits in with the whole
family scheme and everything's going well, and they still want to quit? I feel
like quitting is just part of the trial and error of figuring out who you are,
and what you enjoy, and where you want to focus, and where you don't. Because I
think sometimes we can put so much focus on the commitment piece that we forget
that sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes maybe I thought
this was for me, but it's but it's not. And by allowing yourself the space to
step back and say, "You know what? That's not for me." Or, "You know what? He doesn't
have the attention span for baseball right now." And step out of that, it
creates so much more space for you and your kids to do something else.
Creating a new opportunity, opening up more time for them to play at the park,
opening more time for them to play with their friends, whatever it is, you're
creating that space instead of trying to force your child who has no attention
span to sit through another eight weeks of baseball when it's driving everyone
crazy. Stressing them out. Step back, just step back. You know
what? These extracurriculars that we sign our kids up for, they shouldn't be a life
sentence. They shouldn't feel like a life sentence. So if your kids want to back
off, step away, I say heck, childhood is too short.
Childhood is too short. Now of course, next time starting the process all over
again, and signing up for the registration fee, and talking about the
commitment, doing all that prep ahead of time, maybe getting them to raise money
to pay their own registration fees so it's if it's not for them you're not
the one out of pocket. But at the end of the day, if you've
tried everything, if you're prepared, I say create space. Create space and allow
them an opportunity to follow a different interest. Of course those are
just my two cents. I'd absolutely love to love to hear from you.
Leave your questions or comments down below. If you're looking for any more
in-depth parenting resources or and support, don't forget to check us out in
the Parent 'Hood. We'd absolutely love to have you. So I wish you so much luck in
signing your kids up for those extracurriculars, I know it can be so
hard when things aren't going how you thought they'd go, but heck, that's just
life. That's just life. And it doesn't mean you have a bad kid, it doesn't mean
you're a bad parent, sometimes it just means there's a mismatch, and that's okay.
That's okay. Life's too short. I'll see in the next vid.
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