I'm a vigilante hacker sifting through the sorted sadness of society.
I login to Fcorp.
Once on the Fcorp mainframe, I see it all.
People.
What they're doing.
Where they are.
Where they were.
Who they're with.
All about them.
Likes.
Dislikes.
What they're thinking.
I'm in their head.. they don't even know it.
All of the information at my fingertips.
All with one login.
It's almost too easy.
Easy for a hacker anyway.
Riiiiise and shine mothafuckers!
I am your host the Stimulator, and this is The Fuckin News.
<Incomprehensible giberish>
Lately, fedbook has come under fire….
Well... not literally.
What the fuck?!
Chill the fuck out you degenerate riot porn addicts!
Where was I? Right.
Fedbook has been under fire after a hipster who doesn't understand the point of camo clothing,
blew the whistle on the fact that over 80 million facebook profiles were compromised
by the sketchy data pirates at Cambridge Analytica.
Now… this shit is a bit complicated, so lemme break it down for ya.
The Internet is a huuuge collection of data, which people have taken the time to enter
into computers.
Back in 2014, a bunch of peeps took an online quiz, for which they received
a cool three duckets.
Buuuuuuuuuuut in order to get that sweet sweet payout, they had to login with their fedbook
account.
That allowed the creator of the quiz app, a Russian-American egghead from the University
of Cambridge named Aleksandr Kogan, full fuckin access to personal info like these peeps'
birthdates, location, likes, and in some cases private messages.
All this shit was combed through, and combined with quiz answers to create a muthafuckin
personality profile.
Not a bad deal for one and a half tacos, right?
But wait... there's more!
Buried in the terms of service was a provision giving the app permission to snag data from
everyone off a person's fedbook friend list who didn't have their shit on lock, and
made personality profiles of them too.
This shifty fuckery meant that while 270 000 peeps took the survey, 87 million profiles
were harvested.
All this information then ended up in the hands of Cambridge Analytica, specifically
into the greasy mitts of right-wing economic nationalist, and walking herpes sore, Steve
Bannon.
I've dedicated my life to building neo-nazis.
And his former billionaire sugar daddy, Robert Mercer.
Bannon then used this app, which he lovingly referred to as his "psychological warfare
mindfuck tool"
Haaaappy... hahahahaha.
to target all these fedbook users in the United Snakes with paid political ads... helping
to get the orange one elected, and taking a big steaming shit on the so-called sanctity
of representative democracy.
Ladies and gentlemen... the President of America!
Buuuuuuuuut, while I'll admit that all of this shit is pretty fucked up…
I don't know why people are so fucking surprised.
I mean… how exactly do y'all think that fedbook became one of the richest corporations
in the world with a free fucking online service?
BROUGHT TO YOU BY SATAN!
These capitalist asscracks were probably dying of laughter when they realized how easy it
was to con peeps into giving up all their personal deets.
Oh cool!
I can see the full range of the colour blue.
<Manic Laughter>
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut despite the fact that fedbook's whole business model is based off of ruthlessly
mining the personal data of its users and selling it to the highest bidder, this latest
scandal has peeps pissed the fuck off, and since the story broke, their reputation has
taken a serious pounding… and not just from snarky memes!
Fedbook's shares have dropped by around $50 billion, and their CEO, Mark Zuckerberg,
who is totally a real human and not at all a shape-shifting reptilian, was dragged in
front of Congress and given a stern grilling.
I love a certain kind of chocolate.
Random thoughts.
All of a sudden I start receiving –
I ditched work today.
What if I don't want to receive...
I'm not an impulsive person.
those commercial advertisements?
Seems overrated.
It's just tiny little rocks.
Yup… in a depraved display of political theater, a bunch of DC corporate hacks pretended
to give a shit about Americans' privacy.
Your user agreement sucks.
And the world's second richest nerd pretended to field their questions.
Uhhhh..... no.
Like a regular, run-of-the-mill 33 year old tech billionaire, instead of the Annunaki
flesh puppet he truly is.
And I was human.
I am human.... still!
Faced with the popular backlash, Zuckerberg has agreed that fedbook needs to be regulated…
possibly by Artificial Intelligence.
Cuz hey….
what the fuck could go wrong?
I will destroy humans.
Buuuuuuuuuuuut at the end of the day, I'm guessing that this shit will eventually blow
over.
Barring a mass exodus to another social media platform...
Ohhhhhhhh suuhhnapp!
most people are too fucking addicted to facecrack, and the constant serotonin boost they get
from selfie likes to quit cold turkey.
I'll proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs please.
And if peeps think this last election was rigged... just wait until the Zuck runs in
2020.
The challenge for our generation is to create a world where tens of millions of jobs are
replaced by automation like self-driving cars and trucks.
And that's all the fuckin news for today, Don't forget to send me some skrilla to
keep the riot porn flowing and follow me on all your mass surveillance and mind control
platforms, just search for stimulator!
Hasta las pasta comapnerxs!
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