-Well, you guys, Bernie Sanders has announced
that he is running for president.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Although at age 77 years old, he isn't so much running
as he's slowly wandering for president.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, at age 77, Bernie is the only candidate
who tossed his hat and his teeth into the ring.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I saw that Bernie first announced
that he is running for Ver--
I saw that Bernie first announced
that he's running for president on Vermont public radio
at 6:20 a.m.
[ Laughter ] -Oh.
-It was a huge shock to the three people
listening to Vermont public radio at 6:00.
They couldn't believe it. They were next to each other.
They're all in the same kitchen. -"Merle."
-"Hey, Merle." -"Merle, get in here."
-"I am in here."
[ Light laughter ]
But within hours, his campaign raised more than $1 million.
[ Cheers ]
Bernie actually brought in so much money
that he spent the rest of the day attacking himself.
He's like, "We need to take the money out of my campaign!"
Some more campaign news.
Yesterday Democratic candidate Kirsten Gillibrand
was speaking at a bar in Iowa.
Did anyone see this?
But, no, she was in a bar and she was speaking.
She's running.
And not everyone was there to see her.
Watch this.
-I don't think you should back away from the bold ideas
that the base and the grassroots care about.
-Sorry, I'm just trying to get some ranch.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Come on!
That's my state, baby.
-Come on.
"I'm just trying to get some ranch.
That's all."
She's like, "Look, your election's in two years.
I need my ranch now, okay?
Come on. Keep talking. Yeah. Yeah.
Don't worry about it. I'm not worried.
I got to get my ranch."
-Mama needs her ranch.
-That's the best.
Well, there are already more than 10 Democrats
running for president.
And I read that some of them
have started trying to dig up dirt on each other.
-Ooh. -Yep.
There's a lot of rumors going around about the candidates.
For example, there's a rumor going around
about Elizabeth Warren
that says she told the cashier at IKEA that she was 1% Swedish
to get a discount on meatballs.
Do you believe this?
I'm not saying it's true. These are all rumors.
-It's a rumor.
-Do you believe this type of stuff?
-No, I cannot. -Well, here's John Delaney.
What they're saying about him is that he's one of the mice
from "Cinderella" that turned into a human.
-What?
-Look at my face. I'm in shock.
-That's shocking.
-Here's Kirsten Gillibrand. -Right.
-What they're saying about her
is that she's the top-selling real-estate agent
in the tri-state area five years running.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Someone said they saw that on the back of a park bench.
On the back of a bench by a bus stop they saw that.
The rumors. -"I need my ranch."
-Yeah.
"Yeah, that's all well and good. I need my ranch."
[ Laughter ]
Oh, man. -The mayor of Hidden Valley.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Not bad, dude. Not bad.
And finally, here's Julián Castro right there.
They're saying he goes to bars
and tells people he's a better-looking Jimmy Fallon.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He is. He is much better-looking.
Some more news.
Last night, President Trump gave a speech in Miami
about the situation in Venezuela.
But he had some trouble saying the word "Venezuela."
Listen to this.
-A few weeks ago, on January 23rd, Vene-wella's --
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, my.
-"A few weeks ago, Venus Williams --"
[ Laughter ]
"A few weeks ago, Van Wilder --"
[ Laughter ]
And get this -- In honor of next's week's summit,
a barber in Vietnam is giving free haircuts
in the style of Trump and Kim Jong-un.
Yeah, barber came up with the idea
after realizing that he's really bad at cutting hair.
[ Laughter and applause ]
He's going to look like that anyway, so, yeah.
-There you go.
-I saw that tomorrow, President Trump
is meeting with the chancellor of Austria.
-Ooh. -Yeah.
Which can only mean that we're two days away
from having to apologize to the people of Australia.
[ Laughter and applause ] "I love Australia.
Austria. I love it.
I want to meet a kangaroo.
And the cast of 'Sound of Music.'"
♪ The hills ♪
Here's a big story.
16 states are now suing Trump
after he declared a national emergency
to get money for his wall.
Well, now Trump is getting back at some of those states
by filing lawsuits against them.
-Oh. -Check these out.
First up, Trump sued Hawaii
for putting pineapple on pizza and acting like it's normal.
Come on. Nobody -- It's not normal.
It's not a pizza. -Wow.
-Next up, he sued Colorado
for giving Utah and Wyoming a contact high.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Up next, he wanted to take Rhode Island to court
for not really being an island.
Fake news.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Wow.
-And, of course, Trump sued New Mexico for obvious reasons.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Listen to this, guys.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife
want to end all diseases by the end of this century.
Yeah.
[ Applause ] Sure.
When he heard that, the CEO of Tinder was like,
"Yeah, we'll see about that."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Don't touch me.
Check this out.
The heir to Baskin-Robbins is walking away from the company
so he can promote healthy living instead.
But this was annoying.
Before he left, he sampled all 32 flavors.
-Really? -He's one of those guys.
He's one of those guys.
"Can I try the vanilla?
Thank you very much.
[ Laughter ]
Are you sure this is seven bean? I only taste six beans.
There's the seventh. I like it now.
I'm gonna get a smoothie instead. Sorry."
This isn't good, guys.
Over a dozen people in San Diego had to be rescued
after they got stuck on a gondola
at SeaWorld for four hours. -Oh.
-When they heard that, the whales at SeaWorld were like,
"Oh, wow.
Trapped for four hours.
Trapped, huh?
For four whole hours?
Yeah, wow. Sounds terrible."
Get this, guys.
Researchers say that they've created artificial intelligence
that's so good at texting
that it's too dangerous to be released.
Yeah, it even knows how to play with your emotions,
like making you see three bubbles come up
and then never sending anything.
Oh. Evil.
Evil robot.
And finally, I read that a "Golden Girls"-themed cruise
is setting sail next year.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, this girl was just like, "What?"
[ Laughter ]
That's the best reaction ever, yeah, yeah.
That's right, a whole cruise celebrating horny grandmas,
or as that's also known, a cruise.
That's what a cruise is.
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