CITY OF POWER
CITY OF SPLENDOR
CITY OF RICHES
CITY OF THE LIVING
CITY OF THE DEAD
CITY OF POVERTY
CITY OF DECEIT
CITY OF CORRUPTION
THE GATES OPEN 5TH JUNE
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japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's ♪♫ beautiful ♫♪
in the year negative a billion, japan might not have been here
in the year -40,000, it was here, and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it
then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island and now there's lots of ♫ trees ♫
because it's warmer
so now there's people on the island, they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains
eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology, like stones and bowls
ding dong! it's the outside world and they have technology from the future
like really good metal, and crazy rice farms
now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly
that means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survive.
so that makes you king.
rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here.
the most important kingdoms were:
but this one was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson, or "emperor" for short
knock knock, get the door, it's religion!
the new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from baekje
"please try this religion," he said
"no," said everybody
"tryyyy iiiiit," he said
"no," said everybody again, quieter this time
and so the religon was put into place and all the rules that came with it
then the government was taken over by another clique. and they made some reforms:
like making the government govern more
and making the government more like china's government which is a government that governs more
"hi china," they said
"hi, dips**t," said china
"can you call us something else, other than dips**t?" said japan
"like what?" said china
"♫♪ how about sunrise land? ♪♫" said japan
and they stole china's alphabet and wrote a book about themselves!
and then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves
then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while, right here
and they conquered the north, finally. get that squared away
a rich hipster named kūkai is bored with modern buddhism and visits china
learns a better version which is more ♫♪ spiritual ♪♫
comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be ♫♪ great ♪♫ for a long time
the royal palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn't give a s**t about running the country
so if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your s**t from criminals?!
♫♪ hire a samurai ♪♫
everyone started hiring samurai
(rich important people hired samurai; poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai)
the samurai became more organized and powerful, more powerful than the government!
so they made their own military government, here
they let the emperor still be "emperor," but the shogun was actually in control
breaking news: the mongols have invaded china
"we've invaded china," said the mongols, "please respect us or else we might invade you as well"
"okay," said japan
so the mongols came over, ready for war, and then died in a tornado
then they tried again and had a nice time fighting with the japanese, but then died in a tornado
then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to kyoto and makes a new shogunate
and the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that's fine
♫♪ now there's more art ♪♫
like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers
it's time for "who's going to be the next shogun?"
usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid
so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun.
he says "okay," but then the shogun has a kid. so now who's it gonna be?
vote now on your phones.
and everyone voted so hard the palace caught on fire and burned down
the shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry
and the whole country broke into pieces. everyone is fighting with each other for local power and it's anybody's game
knock knock, it's europe! no, they're not here to take over, they just wanna sell some s**t
like clocks and guns
and ♫♪ jesus ♪♫
so that's cool but everyone's still fighting each other for control
now with guns!!
and wouldn't it be nice to control the capital? (which right now is puppets with no one controlling them)
this clan is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way
surprise, smaller clan wins!
and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital
and it goes very well! he's about halfway through conquering japan
when someone who works for him kills him, and then someone else who works for him kills them
and that guy finished conquering japan
and then he confiscated everybody's swords and he made some rules
"and now i'm going to invade korea and hopefully china," he said, and failed, and also died.
but before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his 5-year-old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of japan
and the five guys say, "yeah, right, it's not gonna be this kid, it's gonna be one of us cuz we're grownups."
and it's probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others
a lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him.
they have a fight, and he wins! and starts a new government, right here. ♫♪ edo ♫♪
and he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things
but don't get confused, this is the new government and they are very strict.
so strict they close the country; no one can leave, and no one can come in. (except for the dutch if they wanna buy and sell s**t)
but they have to do it right here.
now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot.
business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned how to read, books were published
there's poetry, plays, sexytimes, puppet shows, and dutch studies!
people started to study european science from books they bought from the dutch
we're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity
over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow d-
*impending doom music*
knock knock, it's the united states
with huge boats. with guns.
(gunboats)
"open the country. stop having it be closed," said the united states
there was really nothing they could do so they signed a contract that lets united states, britain, and russia visit japan any time they want
chōshū and satsuma hated this
"that sucks," they said. "this sucks!!!!"
and with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate and somehow made the emperor the emperor again
and moved him to edo which they renamed "eastern capital"
they made a new government which was "a lot more western"
and they made a new constitution which was... pretty western
and a military that was... pretty western.
and do you know what else is western? that's right, it's conquering stuff!
so what can we conquer?
korea! they conquer korea, taking it from its previous owner, china, and then go a little bit further
and then russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "stop, no, you can't take that. we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water"
and russia builds their railroad, supervised by a s**t ton of soldiers
and then when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a f**kton. (did i say downgrade? i meant upgrade.)
and japan says, "can you maybe chill?" and russia says, "how 'bout maybe YOU chill?"
japan is kind of scared of russia. you'll never guess who's also kind of scared of russia--
great britain! so japan and great britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of russia
feeling confident, japan goes to war against russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop
♫♪ it's time for world war 1 ♪♫
the world is about to have a war because it's the 1900s, and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other
meanwhile, japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants mooooooore.
and the next thing on their list is this part of china and lots of tiny islands
all that stuff belongs to germany which just had war declared on by britain,
because britain was friends with belgium, who was being trespassed by germany
in order to get to france to kick france's ass because france was friends with russia
who was getting ready to kick austria's ass because austria was getting ready to kick serbia's ass
because someone from serbia shot the leader of austria's ass.
err, actually, he shot him in the head.
and britain is currently friends with japan, so you know what that means...
duhhh, ♫♪ japan should take the islands ♪♫
which they wanted to anyway, so they called britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know
and then they did it! and they also helped britain here and there with some errands and stuff
now the war is over and, congratulations japan, you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes
where they decided who owns what. and yes, japan gets to keep all that s**t they stole from germany
and they also get to join the post-war mega alliance, ♫♪ the league of nations ♪♫
whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world
the great depression is bad. japan's economy is now crappy, but the military is doing just fine and invades manchuria
and the league of nations is like, "no, don't do that, if you're in the league of nations you're not supposed to take over the world!"
and japan says, ♫♪ how bout i do anyway? ♪♫
and japan invaded more and more and more and more of china, and was planning to invade the entire east!
(you've got mail!) it's from germany, the new leader of germany,
he has a cool moustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends
this also got forwarded to italy. they all decided to be friends because they had so much in common
♫♪ it's time for world war 2 ♪♫
germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors' neighbors
then, the neighbor's neighbors' neighbors, who happen to be britain, said "holy s**t,"
and the united states started helping britain because they are ♫♪ good friends ♪♫
and started not helping japan because ♫♪ their friends and our friends are not friends ♫♪
♫♪ plus they're planning on invading the entire ocean ♫♪
the united states is also working on a large, very huge bomb: bigger than any other bomb, ever
just in case...
but they still haven't joined the war. war looks bad on tv and the united states is really starting to care about their image
but then japan spits on them in hawaii and challenges them to war. and they say yes!
and then germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the united states also. so the united states goes to war in europe
and they help the gang chase germany back into germany. and they also start chasing japan back into japan
and they haven't dropped the bomb yet and they're curious to see if it works
so they drop it on japan
they actually drop two
the united states installed a new government inspired by the united states government
with just the right ingredients for a ♫♪ post-war economic miracle ♪♫
and japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. and also better than everybody else
they get rich and the economy goes wild, and then the miracle wears off. but everything's still pretty cool i guess.
♪♫ bye ♫♪
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