probably death in a ball for me
good afternoon vlog you don't know why you
would have nerds in your carpet not like I put them there or anything for
opening the giant Ferrero Rocher earlier patrina came over so I was hanging out
with her and then I've been watching TV all day is it chocolate I don't know
I don't even eat for her oh geez I don't know what he did it but probably death
and a ball for me yeah it says milk and nut
I just wanted to see what's in this well
I use this to get into oh I see this tape so I should just put them in the
other one huh
whoa no little ones inside oh that's a heck of a smells bad look no
way the Fisher thing is a big one with little babies in it I'll put the babies
in the other one delivery you want that I know it's a huge chocolate one I think
a and I made tea earlier and I burned my tongue again on my teeth
it's like a thing that happens a couple times a day around here
me burning myself on teeth it's dire and I haven't done anything I changed from
pyjamas into this outfit which this outfit is really a bad idea because this
just pushes down the front of my shirt and then I'm like exposed to the world
and I'm wearing my slay pants but you can't see the part that dislikes that's
on my butt and in Oh what time is it in three hours we go to another Christmas
yes I know another Christmas and waiting
look guys I'm culture yeah I'm cultured where is it foggy because you know they
got another steaming right
I finished this is the best Napoleon thing dessert you will ever have and
then over here we have San Antonio coffee I'm drinking coffee because she
doesn't like me so she doesn't want to see me anymore since it's not focusing
but still it has a little caffeine there we go yeah yeah
I think they're cutting quarters that's bougie okay it has been a few days since
we have talked a lot like few weeks actually but I think I'm finally like
I've just been avoiding just talking and all the things and all the emotions and
everything because I don't really know how I feel or how I should be feeling
and like I I kind of been coming to what I feel like in in my heart and
everything what I know is happening and what I know I feeling but I like I'm
struggling like I don't even it's not even like that I'm physically drained
well I don't even know if that's the right way to put this but so it's been
about a week we've been doing like all the Christmas and New Year's and all the
celebrations and everything and I just feel like I don't even know how to put
it like I've just been feeling like I've really been distant at all these events
and I feel bad about it because like you want to be present and you want to
interact with everybody and everything but I just feel like overwhelmed by my
own emotions and everything that's happening that I just like can't connect
in the way that I should be and I don't know I'm just because like I don't
really want to say things aloud that I feel but at the same time like it's
gonna be sad at some point so just might as well get it over now know that I like
kind of know what I'm feeling but I've like I just feel like run over by my
emote so been a while and I've just been
feeling like angry and moody and like I'll be happy then I'll be sad and and
like angry and I'm jealous and I'm just going through all the things and I feel
bad about that too because most of the people that they're like negative
emotions or whatever are aimed are like directed at they do like it's not their
fault and I think they didn't warrant getting like that side of me it directed
at them I just like I'm happy but I'm scared and and there's so much stuff
happening and I'm being like information bombarded all the time and I just feel
like I'm running from again I don't know what I'm running from like it's gonna
happen we know it what's we kind of know what's coming up what's but then I'm
scared for what I do know and then I'm also scared for what I don't know and
like we're pretty sure that and neck and a neck Fusion is probably coming up in
the future not with it whether it be in the like short term future meaning in
the next few months or the long term feature meaning in the next few years
it's probably coming and then the question is how far with that fusion go
because my back is our my like upper middle and we'll actually all the way
down to the lower now it's starting to have issues even just from the stress of
my neck being transport there and then I've also had like spinal problems I
hold I don't know like past 12 this years maybe and there's that too so
like I also have been thinking a lot about the past and everything and around
the time that I her needed the disk or whatever in my life lumbar area my back
is when the foot drop like it wasn't really bad but like it's when it started
like lagging behind a little bit and where I started tripping more and more
so I've just been thinking about that and everything but then like back to the
neck situation like I don't know what I really want for my neck to have happen
and or what I should be expecting or thinking and I just I don't know I just
always feel like I want to cry because I'm just overwhelmed and just anxious
and it's just not going well like emotionally but then I feel guilty for
feeling all the emotions and everything that comes with having changes in life
especially because I don't like I know I should handle things better I guess then
I do but then like really what does that even mean at this point too because
everybody processes things and deals with things in their own way so like why
am I feeling guilty about it but I just feel guilty about like all this time
I've just been wanting somebody to be able to do something or something
somebody to do something to help me feel better it get better and whatever else I
don't even know what I've been like it was really like depressed for a while
and everything but then now that it's finally happening I feel guilty for
feeling other emotions about it too and it's just a vicious cycle and I know it
like it's all gonna work out in the end it's just it feels like it's just like
the uphill battle is just beginning and it's been uphill so like how steep is
this hill gonna get cut thing and so like I just don't even know
what to feel and I feel like I'm just rambling on and on and on but it's what
it is right now I just I want to cry all the time I feel like I don't I feel
nervous but then I don't even want to like I I know for the most part at least
in my mind I know what I feel and like I know what I like real thoughts are but
then also like do it I don't even know what I'm feeling and what I want and
what I do know I feel like I don't want to even say because to somehow in that
my in my mind that makes the thoughts real or whatever so it's like I just
have so much thoughts and like anxieties for the future and everything like with
the next thing like that's good there's gonna be like that there's this change
coming up in my life that like life-altering could make me so much more
functional and everything but also with the other appointments that are coming
up so I have the nervous or surgeon appointment is on Friday then Monday of
pain clinic instead was going in and on Tuesday I have the Rheumatology and then
in February the very beginning of February I have a GI appointment come in
so like the they're like could be actions taken about my like actually
progressing on everything at the first one but then the second so the pain
clinic appointment and Rheumatology like the things that can't be fixed through
the help of the nerve surgeon and everything are then transferred over to
dealing with them with pain clinic and dermatology and cuz I have a like on me
and process happening but we just don't know what
like there's no label for it at this point it's just the what's happening to
my bond and so like I get worried that we won't be able to do thing or we can't
do anything with with those two either because we won't want to change anything
really drastically right now because of the other upcoming changes that are
happening and then but then that also means that we're not like closer to
getting my other pains under control because I don't talk about it much but I
like not only do I have the awful headache and the back problems and
everything but all of my joints are affected for me like holding pencils
makes my fingers like really like they just don't do the things that they
should do so we tried to strengthen everything but there's only so much like
that strengthening it reduces the pain that makes sense or reduces the
dysfunction of the other problems in my body like my GI system which I don't
even know what to feel about that because I know the results of the tests
that I had done a while back and there's no real change to the actual functioning
of my body so there's nothing seen on the test but then there's also nothing
like changing with the terrible functioning of my body so what do we do
from here probably more testing but I don't think
my body can take any more like cleanouts very and have my body continue on like
reacting well to life because we like the last time I was vomiting all over
during the with our appointment because my heart rate was skyrocketing is my
blood pressure was low so I bought you it was low and it just is a bad cycle
and I haven't even gain back the weight all of it I've gained back like to is
sure yeah about two pounds of like five that I lost so
it's just I'm overwhelmed and I'm scared and I'm happy and I'm sad and all the
things but good news is there today is the second so that means that there's 24
days until it I see Kelly Clarkson with Jess so there's something to be looking
forward to and I have only happy emotions about well for the most part
only have emotions I do get worried about being in large crowds and
everything but that's and always things so now that I've been rambling on for
however long I need to go to bed because it's like 11:00 or something like that
and I'm exhausted even though I can't even sleep like when I let myself sleep
or when I try to get myself to relax to go do sleep my thoughts come like
running me over like an avalanche or whatever and then I just want to cry and
I jet and I do cries like during those times I just like it's just it's it's
not good the well it is good to let yourself feel the process the things but
just crying all the time isn't something anything it's not helping the situation
so don't know what to do about that either but I need to I you do need to
get sleep soon because I have physical therapy tomorrow so I need to use a lot
of energy and then on Friday I need to be able to get my thoughts together and
convey them all to the surgeon and just yes by the way this is the same surgeon
that I talked about like many months back about the ha as we all do this is
all connected with the headache but it is Tommy still circling he's my dad
should be able to help me now so anyways I need to go to bed because now I've
been rambling for two extra men is just perpend
so good night and I'll see ya tomorrow or for sure on Friday I don't
know about tomorrow I might just like trying to my body tomorrow and I also
need to edit because I am now like three weeks behind in editing so shout-out
talent for really falling behind even though somehow I was getting caught
up and now I'm not and I just need to go so thanks for watching and I'll see you
whenever bye
you
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