Hello!
What is up?!
I'm trying not to look at myself 'cause, you know, like I feel like I mentioned this in
another like, vlog before but I always like look at myself instead of the camera.
I'm trying to look at the camera, but I will be - my eyes will be over here throughout
the video *sarcastic voice* because I am vain and I love my beautiful face!
I'm only half kidding.
Um, hello!
I just made myself dinner.
I don't make myself dinner a lot, but my parents are out of town, they are on vacation, and
I am not because I have school.
But yeah, my parents are out of town and I just have to look after myself for like the
first time.
Ugh, I'm such a baby!
I mean like I've made myself dinner before, it's not like I haven't, but like - that's
my dog - um, but like I don't know they went to, they're in Hawaii, they went to Hawaii
like last year or the year before, and I don't remember like feeling this lonely [laughs]
Um, but yeah, I'm living.
Um, I made myself dinner, I had frozen pizza an- well, I baked it but, you know - um I
had pizza and this like caeser salad - they're both from costco, my mom went to costco before
she left to like stock up on like easy foods to make because I like don't make time to
make myself food.
She got this like caeser salad kit, and it like has leafs or whatever in it and it had
in little packages the dressing, croutons, and cheese, the
like parmesan.
And like, I didn't know how to like equally just like take some leafs and get a little
bit of dressing and cheese and stuff in there.
I didn't know how to like do that proportionally so that I would like have enough for like
other salads I'm gonna have, so I just like mixed it all in the bag that it came in, it
was like really messy [laughs] like the salad like wasn't very good, um I think it was just
really cold 'cause it's been in the fridge all week, I haven't like had some - I was
gonna like have salad, that was gonna be my vegetable, so that I'm not just eating junk
food.
But yeah, I have to keep drinking water because my lips feel so dry, my mouth feels so dry,
like...
I'm sick.
Well, like I'm not really, like I have a cold but it's like not that bad, it's just that
my nose will just like not stop running.
It's like, girl take a breather like please like stop ugh.
I mean right now it's okay but if I like bend down or something it'll just be like alright,
here we go [imitates snot coming out of nose] So, so annoying.
But yeah, so that's my night, that's how my nights been.
Um I just spent like at least an hour um looking up or listening to royalty free music so that
I could potentially play that in the background of this video, I'm listening to it now, but
I don't know if you can hear like if it were any louder I wouldn't be able to focus on
talking because I would just be like listening to the music.
Um, but I kind of just have so that the only thing I'm hearing isn't just my voice, but
I might like actually edit it into the back of the video.
I have to take this [the necklace] off, it's like itching my neck.
It's a really cute necklace, but - this isn't even the original chain that was on it, um,
it's from a different necklace I have, which is also a cute necklace or cute pendent.
But yeah it itches.
I didn't notice that before, like I didn't notice throughout the day but now it decided
to like give me a rash or something.
But what was I saying, oh yeah I was looking up this free music and like, this has really
like improved my mood like before I like started looking it up I was like all sad and lonely
feeling.
Um my dog is like barking at nothing, I don't know.
But I was all sad and lonely feeling, but like after watching this youtuber's vlog and
after - oh he [my dog] is actually just biting his bone - um after watching this youtuber
vlog and after um listening to this music I just like feel.. less bad [laughs] I mean
I still feel lonely like, I just like... ugh this is making me so scared for college 'cause
I'm a senior in high school and like once I'm in college I'm going to - like, I'm not
gonna have friends when I go to college, like none of my friends have the same interests
as me like we've been looking at completely different colleges, like I'm gonna have to
like start from scratch, and that's like really hard for an introvert with like generalized
anxiety [laughs].
But yeah, that's- like it's making me scared, because like, I go to school, where there's
like all these people around and it's good, and then I come home and it's just like silent.
And at the beginning of the week I was like ugh, peace and quiet, yes!
But like, now I'm just like oh my god I just want someone to talk to me, someone to bring
me somewhere so I can just like not be alone!
But, I mean, I kinda have to be at home, 'cause of the dog-o, and the cat-o... and the cat
as well.
Um and yeah, that's like really been annoying this whole week, that like there's no one
else to watch my pets, because otherwise I would like take the bus places, like I really
wanted to, after school today, um go to uptown because I've been wanting to go to American
Apparel, because they're like closing down and they have a 40% of sale, and I've like
never shopped there, but with this sale I feel like I would be able to afford some things,
and like I do like their clothes, and I like that they're made um in the U.S. um, I know
there's been some controversy over like... something, I can't remember exactly what it
was, but like the owner of the store did something, I don't know, but like... like there's no
like pure store.
Like everything that you buy, everything that you do like is going to hurt someone, you
can like be ethically like 100% ethically pure when you're purchasing something because
like that's like the flaw of capitalism and like our society blah blah blah [laughs] I
don't need to talk about that.
But yeah, I wanted to go do that but I didn't because this morning I was like feeling really
anxious and scared because there was like possibly going to be a walkout at my school
today because um it's inauguration day, and I like...
I was like really scared to do that especially 'cause like I knew that none of my friends
would like - mean I would have some friends that would do it but most of my friends like
wouldn't, just because like my best friend like - or one of my best friends is like super
academic... whatever, um so she's always really focused on school, and then I don't know,
I don't have a lot of friends, so that's like the only person that really matters to me,
and then my other best friend is not in town, um she's touring a college or something- or
a college interview!
Anyway, I'm getting way off topic, what was I saying?!
Um, oh yeah I was having anxiety about that this morning so I like gave up that little
dream to go to uptown on the bus 'cause like *that* has been something I have been like
working towards, or like working up to do, 'cause I've been like scared to do it like...
I dunno it's hard for me to like bus places and... like I don't have my license and like
*that's* hard like I never practice driving like I only practice driving like a half hour
max per week.
But I haven't at all this week because my parents aren't here.
[Sighs] I just really want to get my license before I go to college, even though I probably
won't be driving during college- or at least my first year 'cause like most colleges don't
let you have a car when you're a freshman.
But um yeah, so I just gave up on that dream of going to uptown and I was like "I'm not
gonna bring money to school 'cause I'm not gonna do that, I'm just gonna go right home,
or I'm gonna go to the walkout, or something's happening."
So yeah, what ended up happening was that there wasn't really a walkout, or at least
like- there might have been like a city-wide- there was like some walkouts I think- or like
state-wide, but like at my particular school, no one was organizing one so that like didn't
happen.
So I really like could've went to uptown after school, and like I wanted to go there specifically
because it's like a really straight shot like bus ride there from my school and like from
my house too, but like it's just taking the same bus I would take to get home except the
opposite direction.
But yeah I didn't do that so I just went home, 'cause I didn't have money with me.
And I'm thinking I might try to do that monday even though my parents will be home - I don't
know why I'm trying to like do a bunch of stuff when my parents aren't here like I can
do things when they are here like that doesn't matter, it's not like I'm not allowed to do
things.
I mean the left me, a 17 year old, alone in this big house where there's like alcohol
and stuff, but they know that I'm such a nerd and such a loner that like nothing's going
to happen, oh my god.
It's kind of been making me wish that I like had a significant other or something so that
we could like fool around but yeah I'm.. forever alone, that's my life.
What else to I wanna talk about?
[laughs] yeah that's how this video basically started, I basically was like "I'm lonely
I'm gonna talk about it in a video that's super low quality because my- I'm using my
computer's camera and those are always shit."
But I don't have a better camera , like my iPad one is better, like that's what I've
used in the past, but it's just so- like my iPad has like no memory even though there's
like nothing on that iPad.
Like, ugh, I hate Apple products, they give you like no memory and like so many apps that
you don't need are on there.
Anyway, so I'm not using my iPad and my phone's not better, and I don't- yeah, I can't take
video's on my phone anyway because there's not enough memory, except I have like a lot
of things on my phone so that's understandable.
Um, and I have a camera but it's like a camera not like a video camera, so it doesn't have
like the little- like I need to get a camera that has the little like window thing so you
can see yourself, at least to that I can like, you know, set it up so it like sees me right,
'cause I think one time I tried to use it and I had like a mirror and I was trying to
like position it, and I was like taking pictures and then looking at them and I'm like "no
that's wrong" ugh, it's just too complicated, so I'm just using this, event though it's
shitty quality.
But you'll deal with it, my... non-viewers [cringes].
Here I am, looking at the camera- I mean looking at myself again instead of looking at the
camera, ugh, I'm like having a conversation with myself, you know, it's like I wish I
had like a generic like person face like on my screen that I could like talk to, you know,
but I mean I just wish I had someone to talk to, but I don't so that's why I'm making this
video.
Um, like I said, uh one of my best friends is like super busy with like school and stuff
so she is never available, and then my other friend is not in town this weekend, and my
parents aren't in town, and then I don't know what my sibling is doing, I think they're
working or something, I don't know maybe they're not but it's too late to have them come over.
[Sighs] *sarcastic voice* The world is against me!
But like, that's like legitimately how I felt like before I started listening to music and
stuff.
I was like "oh my god" like "why don't I have more friends" like "why this, why that."
And like I still feel that way, but at least I'm like not like in a rut anymore I dunno.
I do wish I had more friends that like I could hang out with.
Like, I have friends at school that I talk to, I have classes with, like we eat lunch
together, but it's not like I can just like text somebody and be like "hey are you busy,
wanna like come to my house and eat junk food?"
like, I mean maybe if I texted that to them they'd be like "yeah!" but like...
I don't think- I don't think so.
I mean, if I were talking to my therapist, she'd be like *weird voice* "I think maybe
they would" or something like that - that's not how my therapist sounds - um but my anxiety's
like "don't do it!
don't initiate hanging out with people!"
And like, I don't *need* to, I don't need more than 2 friends.
[shakes head] yes I do.
Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
But 2 is better than zero right?
At least I have some kind of support system.
Except when none of the 3 people I care about are available, I end up here, alone sad, etc.
I don't know where I'm going with this...
But going back to the topic of like college and this is what it's gonna be like in college,
like I'm so!- oh man I'm not ready.
I haven't decided [burps] 'scuse me.
I haven't decided where I'm going yet, 'cause I haven't heard back from all of the schools
I applied to, but I just- I don't feel like super attached to any of the colleges I applied
to, like I just have this feeling that like I'm gonna regret my decision no matter what
it is - I think my dog just farted, Anyway!
But yeah, I just like... it's really overwhelming, like I shouldn't have to plan out the next
10 years of my life when I'm 17 and don't know anything.
Um, but that's how our society works, so that's my life.
And like, I dunno, I'm trying to enjoy senior year and not like be super stressed about
it, and like honestly this is like the least I have cared about anything like in my whole
life.
Like senior slide is real and it's really- it's really taking a toll.
Like grade-wise I'm like doing the same as I always do, like mostly A's, um, I think
I have all A's and like two A-'s.
And like that's always been who I am I don't know like I've never taken like super hard
classes.
Like, I took a hard class last year which was physics and that like kicked my ass!
And I guess I could've tried harder 'cause like you could retake tests as much as you
wanted - you couldn't see what you go wrong!
But, I don't know, that class was just real hard for me, and I ended up getting like a
C+ one semester, one quarter, and I mean- I know I never got an A, I might've gotten
like a- at the most a B+ but I think I just got like a B. Um, but like this year I'm not
taking any hard classes like that.
I mean my math class is like much harder than it was last year, for me, 'cause last year
I did a lot of the same things I already knew, 'cause I took the like kind of less advanced
class compared to like, some of the other kids that were in my previous class, because
I didn't wanna like over-stress myself, and I don't care that much about ba- math [rolls
eyes] - and I don't care that much about math and like I'm gonna be an english major so
like I don't need that as much.
So yeah I didn't take the hard math, I took like the medium math basically, but yeah it's
been harder this year, but I'm like managing.
But I mean I just did this math project that was like The worst paper I've ever written
in my life, but, I mean I haven't gotten the grade back yet, obviously 'cause like I just
turned it in like a week ago, and it was like this big project, but like yeah that was bad.
What other classes...
Oh yeah, senior year I like wanted to take this computer science class because, you know,
I've been- I wanted to take this computer science class because like coding is a hobby
of mine.
I like make themes for tumblr, which like- a very select amount of people use my themes.
It's like all like Dan and Phil blogs that like use my themes and that's like really
weird like I don't know how they found my themes but like they're like the only blogs
that use them.
But, I'm not mad about it, I guess, I just like, like making themes and I just like post
them and if someone wants to use them awesome, if someone doesn't then like it's whatever.
But I dunno, it's kind of relaxing.
So I wanted to take a class on it before I went to college, because you have to pay for
classes there, but this class has been like harder than I thought it would be- or like,
more stressful is really the case, like it hasn't been very hard and I'm not like- I
don't have like a bad grade or anything, but like right away, like first or second day
of school he [the teacher] was like "this is gonna be like all group projects!" and
I was like "wait what???"
I was like "computer science... you work on your computer... by yourself" like I was not
expecting that, I don't like group work, especially when it comes to coding.
I was like "noooo!"
And I mean I could've like switched out but I didn't really have an alternative that I
wanted to take, so like I've been sticking with it, and like I considered dropping the
class next semester, 'cause this semester ends in a week, but I think I can handle it.
And like, I kinda wanna just like stick with my decision and..
I dunno, my teacher's really routing for my 'cause I'm like one of two girls in the class-
or at least I think so, I don't know everyone's gender identities.
But yeah, like towards the beginning of the year he was like "yeah, I don't know what
girls don't take this class, like it makes me sad!" and he's always like telling me - my,
I don't know if you just heard that but my dog like whined, I don't know why - but yeah,
[A segment of the video was accidentally deleted??]... getting some IB thing, but it's just 'cause
my school offers basically only IB classes, or like the only like higher level classes
available are the IB classes.
And there's like a couple AP classes, but like they don't fit my interests.
And like, I am interested in the classes I'm taking, mostly, but they're all so focused
on like teaching for the test, and I just think that's so bogus like I don't know, learning
shouldn't be about like always talking about this test that you're gonna take like, that
shouldn't be the main motivation factor for like doing assignments and learning and like
studying for things, like I dunno I would really much rather take a class that isn't
like that.
But I mean, maybe that'll be what it's like in college, it's like they won't stop talking
about the final exam, in the same way that my teachers won't stop talking about the IB
exam, but at least with the college classes I will be taking those final exams, whereas
in the IB classes, I am not taking any of those exams, so all of their preparation and
stuff is like meaningless to me.
And that's why I think it's annoying like I have to hear all of this and listen to all
this and sit through all this when it's not applicable to me.
Okay, my dog has to go outside so I think I'm gonna like wrap up this video that's 27
minutes long already.
[to my dog] I know Axel I will bring you out in just a second!
Um, thanks for listening if you did, um I really just rambled for a good half hour.
But, you know, that was nice.
I encourage you, my singular viewer, to also vlogs, and if you enjoyed this video- i mean
I'm gonna tell you to like it 'cause I don't care but like, if you enjoyed this video and
you want me to watch your videos, I might be interested but, no guarantees!
Yeah, I dunno, I don't really have like an exit- like I don't really have an out-ro or
anything either so, bye!
For more infomation >> Silence
No comments:
Post a Comment