Hey Collector, please take a reverse gear?
Sir, this is a one way. You've arrived in the no-entry lane, you take a reverse gear.
Don't argue with me.
I'll hold your promotion.
Please do.
Heyy! Will have you kidnapped.
Please do.
Ayee! Will have you transferred.
Please do.
District Bastar , Naxalite area
Hey, collector! Come home someday.
Hah hah hah hah
Yes, so the collector has to face him.
*sings a song*
Will have to sing it.
And also, be under his nose.
This is the bitter truth of our bureaucracy, for which all across the country, 2 lac kids prepare for UPSC exams.
Infact, in Bihar they say, whoever does not give UPSC, does not belong to his own family.
But this Bihari, got spared of the UPSC exams.
Hello, I am Rabish Kumar.
Delhi's famous Mukherjee Nagar.
The biggest factory in the country to churn out IAS candidates
Which will never shut.
Even the dogs here are scared to pee on the poles, in case an officer comes to inspect.
Look at this Dhaba. Collector's Dhaba.
God knows how many officers here have eaten their stomachs out.
Look at the registers, that have grown fat eating all the loan.
And these eyes have a hope that someday the collector will come in their green lit car and pay the pending amount.
Nobody will come, Rabish ji.
Once, a man starts to serve the country, he forgets people like us.
True, true.
When people start to serve the country, they forget their own promises, leave alone your petty loans.
So tell me this, this Collector's Dhaba, who is it a tribute to?
Me, Rabish ji.
But, you're still alive.
But the collector inside of us, he is dead, Rabish Ji.
I prepared for 9 years.
I used to stay here, at Mukherjee Nagar.
In a room as small as a matchbox and people as many as the matchsticks.
UPSC was our passion, passion!
My debates used to make the biggest of Collectors go bonkers!
I was the Inzamam Ul Haq of Political Science.
I used to kill it at the mains because of my knowledge.
But due to bad English, interviews used to go to the dogs.
And when the last attempt drowned in, I went home, took the IAS out of me, shoved him in a corner
And said
You motherfucker, *stab noises*
Choked him to death.
Okay, killed him.
So after killing him, did you cremate him or bury him?
Ha ha ha, Rabish ji, do not make it a political issue.
See in the Constitution….
Aah, now you're talking like an IAS officer.
So the IAS is still alive. You said that you killed him?
He keeps coming alive at times…Rabish ji… you know, seeing all the camera and limelight!
Hmm, looks like a ____ collector. Dies and comes alive again. Even I watch a lot of Hollywood, man.
So you tell me, when UPSC didn't happen, why did you not become a journalist?
Too many people do it.
I had thought of it Rabish ji, but then I thought that someone will murder me, so I cancelled the plan.
You must know Rabish ji, how they just shoot bullets at the journalists these days.
Even I keep getting a lot of death threats.
Who gives it, Rabish ji?
Don't make it political now.
So, Barkha's Rakhi brother is after my life.
He said, forget Barkha or I will kill you.
I said - My life is Barkha, will you kill your sister now?
After some time, at the Dhaba, plenty wannabe IAS gathered.
Where I spoke to Kamal Sharma, who's been preparing for UPSC since 2 years.
So, I have to become an IAS. Or my family's reputation will be tarnished.
So, my Dad's an IAS. My Dad's mom is an IAS, her husband is an IAS.
Infact, My dad's son's wife's husband is also an IAS.
So tell me, in that case, who am I?
If I give the right answer, will I get to eat the rest of the Gulabjamun?
Eat it all, Sir. I'll get more.
You'll be the wife.
You lost the Gulabjamaun, sir?
I'm an IAS too, right. That's why I am studying.
So, your case is like Rahul Gandhi. If the Family is Gandhi, election runs are mandatory, yeah?
Here, 30 Rupees, Sir.
30 Rupees? Here, take it.
No no no. There should be no corruption and there would be no corruption.
I'll make the country proud, and the Politicians can go and die.
Do not bribe me, civilian! I have self respect in million.
God, this is not bribing, man.
See. It's a Thali for 70 bucks. You gave me 100 Rupees. I am giving 30 bucks back to you.
___________________
___________________
Okay, you continue with this, then.
Hey, please pay, guys.
No no no no. I am not scared of you, you're under arrest.
Sir, this man has been here since 10 years. You know about the UPSC exams?
He wanted to clear it and become a Tax Officer.
He did not clear it, but definitely did go crazy. He also calls himself an IRS officer.
He is so amusing. The days this man is in the Dhabas, we don't make a single penny.
So this man has started a new thing. He doesn't keep the change back, and doesn't even let others to take it.
He's amusing man, next level.
He's crazy but isn't wrong, right?
I saw that the 30 bucks that he gave, you kept it in your pocket, did not give it back to the Owner.
Umhm, that's the tip, sir. Tip.
That's not a tip, that's balckmoney.
Do you pay taxes for it?
Why are you grinning like that?
You know what happens to people who grin like this in the name of tax?
Heh, I don't know.
Ajay Devgn comes to your house to Raid.
He comes home?
He must have already reached. Go, see.
Already there?
Yes, go, run!
Aye, Bunty! Shut this down!
After lounging around outside, when I went to the rooms of the UPSC students,
the drying holed boxers told me that these are not the boys
Wearing jockey and playboy, but these are the future bureaucrats for the country's future.
This is meditation, dude. Your aptitude is your problem.
He is Suresh Kumar. 33.
Has attempted UPSC 5 times, but has never even cleared the prelims.
But he dares to scare the students who have even cleared their mains.
So, what if you've cleared your mains? This is how you'll talk?
And this is your interview face?
And which IAS looks like this, man? Did Aamir Khan have a beard in Sarfarosh? No, right?
And what's that movie where the famous dialogue comes from?
Gangajal!
Yeah, did Yadav have a beard? So, why have you grown it so much?
I will shave it off, but have you seen your beard?
Not done shit in your life but educating other people.
What did you just say?
Let him go, let him go.
Looks like you'll be a very strict officer, eh?
Yes, I'm very hard, Sir.
So, you'd also have a nice hard Goldflake?
Please hand me one.
Oh yes yes, please.
Thank you, ji
Sharing…
So look there and tell us why you want to do UPSC?
To serve the county? To earn fat salary? Or to get a fat dowry, eh?
To stay alive, Sir. I am fro Bihar. Only two types of people can survive there.
One, who has a gun in his house. Second, who has a red light on his car.
So this is your last attempt?
Yes.
If you don't get through, what would you do?
I'll buy a pistol, what else.
What if the magistrate does not give the licence?
Will order it from America. I have heard that you get guns even at the general stores there.
In another room, a wannabe Officer, was jotting down his routine on the chart.
Oh my god, this is a very strict time-table. Even Rajnikanth couldn't follow it.
I'm sorry, sir but I need to sleep.
Where are you going? Stand here.
It says, study constitution?
This I'll follow starting tomorrow. Today, I want to sleep all day long.
Once you start to serve the nation, same old story. Collectorate- District inspection, Political meetings, officer's party.
Don't know if I'll be able to sleep well, then.
So, after the Zombie collector, meet Batman Collector.
And what is this? Resignation or Transfer order?
Oh, no no, this is my previous time-table. Wasn't too strict, so I tore it off.
So, that's about it…
Yes, please, go sleep. Die.
By the way, Nostradamus had forseen that the one who does not study, will make time tables.
So, he just goes to sleep next to you, do you not feel sleepy seeing him?
No, brother, I have kept a conductor.
Conductor?
So how do I explain…
A truck that runs all night, has a conductor,
Whose task is to not let the driver sleep… So likewise, even I kept a conductor.
Confused, you look brother..
Yes, I am confused.
I'll demonstrate. I'll sit properly and tell you how it works.
So, here, I'm reading a book?
*snores*
Aye! You don't have to sleep! Or I'll start driving, okay? So that's that.
I thought he is your fellow student, you're an A1 person, eh?
No no, brother, he's my conductor. He's on salary.
See, tomorrow, I'll also have a big bungalow, 10-12 servants, so I'm just getting used to it..
Officer's party and all..
Yes, yes! All of that..jacuzzi and all, with hot water and bubbles…
So tell me one thing, why are you talking in this Bihari accent, Sardarji?
Now what do I tell you, brother..
While preparing for UPSC, I have to stay with too many Bihari boys, so I picked up the accent all along.
But to tell you the truth, accent picked me up.
*laughter*
So now you listen to Pavan Singh instead of Babbu Mann?
So let me hear you sing!
Yes yes, Sir, definitely.
*sings a song*
Nobody will move, nobody will move! It's a Raid!
Bribers, I will put you behind bars! It's a Raid!
*Sings gibberish*
Tiwari ji, remove the tiles.
Shukla, switch the fan on and see the jewellery fall. Yes yes yes, there it falls.
Yes Tiwari ji, Shukla ji, do what he says.
No, you will not give the orders. I am the Senior Tax Officer here, I'll give orders.
So Senior Tax Officer, where do you stay?
At the bungalow.
Where is the Bungalow?
Upstairs, 1st floor.
And car?
Car? Car, car, car, car. Oh yes, here's the car!
And where is the driver?
Driver sir, here he is, Sir. Where to go, Sir?
Go drop him to the office. Go.
Okay, sir!
What about the gear?
It's an automatic, Sir.
This is crazy, man. Such crazy people, these UPSC guys.
After this, I got to know that IAS, IPS and IFS, takes a lot of hardwork to walk the path…
Which becomes even more dangerous through the night.
And while walking through the night, I met some more people, who are into it with their heart and soul.
Some make their reservations to Dehradun even before the results, and some dream to get posted in their own hometown.
And some are confused with their IPS officer look.
Long conversations with girlfriends, party with friends and a peaceful sleep is sacrificed for all the studying.
Yes, there's too much to study.
Now see, I cracked IIT before this, then I cracked IIM.
After this, I'll crack UPSC and become an IPS officer.
So your life is all about - Crack?
You could say, sir, you could say.
Tomorrow's the final interview. I'm all prepared and confident.
You've also done the 'Break the beard'
I look good right?
You look dashing. The Sardar Khan of the UPSC world.
Hey you, why are you with that sad face? What happened?
What do I say, Sir. Can't figure out what is happening in life.
There is plenty knowledge…sometimes I feel, I don't read the paper, the paper reads me.
Raja Ji, I'll tell you something? Only pain resides in this heart now.
Pain? What kind of pain?
*songs*
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