Hi! My name is Angela, and I'm 21 years old.
In my senior year of college, the guy I was seeing for three years, broke up with me for another girl.
It was tragic.
FUCKING TRAGIC.
(sad music plays)
C'mon Angela.
Just let me suffer!
I made you hot chocolate.
That's where all the dishes went.
You don't understand, Trish! You've never been heartbroken!
You don't know what it's like!
Bitch, get up.
I am taking you out!
And I'm gonna buy you new shoes and we're gonna get your hair done.
And have you seen the caterpillar on your face?
Do I need to see Priyadonna?
Trish: You need Priyadonna real bad.
(happy rock music)
Trish: HAHAHA! No. No. Angela: Okay, that's what I thought.
Trish: Oh God.
Oh, Angie-Bear, I heard. Are you okay?
Here! Take these.
They'll make you real happy.
Oh. Kay.
(laughing)
So what happened?
Evan's Facebook status said "single" at 7:03 on Sunday and I was like "aw fuck!"
He broke up with me at 8:25!
So how did you not see that shit coming than?!
Raelene: Okay, it's not my place to say anything, but...
He used to flirt with me sometimes, too.
That's exactly your place to say something, Raelene.
You need to get over him and fast! And the best way to do that is to get under somebody new.
That's the worst advice.
Do you have any better suggestions?
Yeah, like, she could learn to love herself. She hasn't been single in 3 years.
Oh my God, what are you? Oprah? I don't understand.
Angela (narrating): Trish was right, it was horrible advice.
But maybe... I needed something out of my comfort zone.
It's time to reclaim myself!
I wanna have a hookup!
Hell yeah!
Okay...
Now when we say "hookup"...
Are we talking like a make-out session or second base?
I wanna fuck!
I just need this so I can think about anything other than Evan.
A pregnancy scare is better than thinking about Evan right now!
Don't even joke. Give me herpes before that.
Herpes are for life.
And so are children.
Eighteen fucking years of herpes!
Okay, so, how do I do this?
Angela (narrating): You know how you get an Uber and within twenty minutes a stranger arrives?
Tinder for a girl is practically the same thing.
Trish: No, that is so adorable!
I'm supposed to get fucked.
Trish: No, but -- Angela: I just wanna get fucked.
Hey, quick question.
What should I put as my bio?
Guys don't give a fuck about who you are.
Um. I hope they do.
And if you're gonna hook up, then you better not give a shit either.
Well... I should at least put something.
Mine says "Chipotle virgin."
But you love Chipotle. You go like twice a week.
Eeexactlyy. So every guy is like...
"Oh my God, let me pop your Chipotle cherry."
Boom! Free Chipotle!
Raelene.
Personal question.
Have you ever been paid for sex?
Let me say this...
What makes a girl wetter than any other guy?
Money.
That's my bio!
They-they're gonna think you're a hooker!
I am so proud of you!
Hehe.
Angela (narrating): Two hours later, I procured a date.
Angela (narrating): His name was Tanner. Age -- 24.
Cute, but not too cute.
Just enough to sleep with and not grow some random-unwaranted-feelings.
Yeah, just never thought something like that would happen to me.
I can't believe that happened!
I was so scared.
Yeah, I would be too!
Well, your...
Your profile was interesting.
Huh?
Um, was that like, a movie quote?
No, it was like, a truth!
Tanner: Hm. A truth... well, um...
Okay.
It's been a nice night with you.
Well!
Maybe we should make it last longer?
Kay. Heh.
This is a nice fucking couch...
Tanner: Here you go, Chardonnay.
Um, it's... it's Angela.
That's the name of the wine.
Oh. Sorry.
I was thinking, maybe --
Angela: You were just setting down your beer...
No, this is much better...
(sexy jazz music rises)
Now, before I disappoint you.
He didn't want to have sex with me.
Oh, thank God.
He was a gentleman, wanted to take things slow. Which sounds nice!
No, don't stray from the target!
How could this even happen, he's not even that cute!
Quick, talk to your other matches.
I'm not going back out there tonight, I'm going to bed.
No, no, no, this is not the plan, Angela. Sex is the plan.
Sex is what will take He Who Shall Not Be Named off of your mind.
Sex will make you happy.
Your pussy is the lock, dick is the key, and it is time to OPEN SESAME!
Wow. You just said that.
I. Just had. A PRETTY GOOD MAKE OUT SESH! I think I can manage.
(sobbing) Oh my God.
You don't wanna have sex with me? I don't care. I can have sex with myself.
I could be -- (chokes on ice cream)
You're not a fucking bird!
I got my eyebrows done!
I paid eight fucking bucks for that!
Movie on Phone: Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want?
I wanna get fucked.
Movie on Phone: What do you want?!
I wanna get fucked!
I don't care. I don't need you. I don't ever need you, ever, ever!
Movie on Phone: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
I WANNA GET FUUUUCKED!!!
(humming "Single Ladies")
(sobbing)
So, which basket do you like?
Shhhh....
Sorry, I'm just trying to understand their "culture."
Yeah, totally.
So what do you do for a living?
Did you just shush me?!
(chuckles)
(sighs) You ever see the one with the dog and the monkey?
No.
Priceless.
What do you do?
I'm still in school.
Cool.
I study film.
Yeah, no. I love film.
I like film-noir! Do you like film-noir?!
Do you know what film-noir is?
It's okay if you don't. A lot of people are ignorant.
Of it. Of like the -- you know.
I think I see the Grand Canyon in this.
Trish: OW!
I am not gonna fuck that guy!
The most snobby, pretentious, piece of shit I've ever met!
God, I needed that after today.
Well, maybe you should stop dating and just get straight to business.
Now I like the way you're talking, Trish.
I can't believe I just said that.
Netflix and chill.
(sexy music plays)
I, uh...
I'll be right back!
Should I pause it?
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Uh, you know, I should tell you, um...
TOM just visited.
Who's Tom?!
My Time Of the Month!
So ya know, there's not gonna be any, you know.
No, no, no, you heard me right?
We should stop.
I'm on my period.
OHHHHHHH. Ohhhhh. That's. What. You. Meant.
Cool. Cool.
Uhhh, nah, nah, nah, NOT COOL!
No sex.
Babe, I'm still totally down.
B-Babe? S-sorry. No!
Wait, do you - do you like... prefer it?
It's more warm actually.
Have you ever. Gone down. On a girl. While she's on her...
Third Date: (laughs) Okay. Mm. Yeah, a little blood never scared me!
AH! I just kissed you and everything!
So we're NOT gonna have...
No.
Sex. Ohhhh.
That's unfortunate.
Can I get a BJ?
GET THE FUCK OUT.
Go. Go. Just go. Just --
I am stuck in your bed, it's very soft.
It's a sign that we should do this...
From the gods.
(ring tone)
Hello?
Tanner: Hey, it's - it's Tanner.
Tanner: Sorry I haven't called, I've been busy.
Angela: It's okay.
But I've been thinking about you a lot recently.
Tanner: I missed you even.
Sorry, is that weird?
No, not at all.
Can I... can I see you tonight?
I have work in the morning.
Oh, that's unfortunate.
But - but I mean... if you come over for a little while, I see no harm.
Okay. I'll be right over.
GONNA GET SOME DICK!
You're developing feelings for this guy.
No! You can't! I refuse!
Maybe just a little third base.
Noooooo!
Just send him. Okay? Yeah? No? I don't know!
Tanner: You alright in there? I can hear you talking to yourself.
Well, shit.
Raelene: Are you having a fun time in the bathroom?
Raelene, are you listening out there?!
Raelene: Yaaaaaah. (chuckles)
Just send him home. Just send! Him home!
Angela: Hey listen, um...
I can't do this. I'm not in the right state of mind.
Alright, I get that, it's cool.
But... but I mean...
If... you want to stay...
You just cuddled?! All night?!
It's perfectly normal to cuddle.
Yeah, but I can't see him again.
I'm ending it now. Back into the real world I go.
(party music)
What's going on here?!
Uh... we're on a date?
Excuse me, I'm - I'm so sorry.
The fuck just happened?
You saw that, right? You saw that?
Do you wanna have sex? C'mon.
Oh my gosh, you weren't supposed to see that.
Okay, we never established what we were.
Um, you're the one who said you wanted to take things more seriously!
No, no, no, I said I wanted to take it slower.
Wait, so you're gonna tell me you haven't been on a date with anyone else since we've met each other?
The girl with the quote about money making her wet?
IT'S A FUCKING QUOTE, TANNER!
Oh, yeah, I have.
Tanner: Angela. Angela: What?
I like you.
But how am I supposed to take you seriously?
I fucked up!
Okay? You fucked up!
We both just equally fucked up!
Who knows, you could've been my god of thunder and lightening!!!
Okay, that's creepy.
It's a pull.
Do you wanna get out of here?
Do you wanna fuck or not?
Trish: What are you doing?!
Angela: What I'm supposed to be doing!
Okay, just hold on.
Just give me a second.
You don't have to do this.
Just let her go, she needs to learn on her own.
No, you can tell a friend when they're doing something fucking stupid.
You don't know if this guy could be a serial killer, or --
Boop.
Thank you for caring about me, but this is for my own good.
Trish: So are you okay?
It didn't work.
Angela: It made it worse.
Even during the sex, he was all I thought about.
That I was doing it because of him.
And if we were still together...
I'd have no desire to be with this guy.
I just feel disgusting now.
You'll get through this.
Now you can move on and focus on you.
And...
(cheesy romantic music plays)
What fresh hell is this?
Angela.
I'm... I'm sorry.
I - I really feel horrible about last night and...
I really want this to work between us.
I know we got off on the wrong foot but...
I think if we try hard enough...
Maybe we can...
We can learn to love each other?
Well, shit.
(cheesy romance music rises)
I was single again within a week.
Did that experience need to happen?
I'd like to believe it did in order for me to get better.
But I probably would've eventually without fucking some random thirty year old...
That I met at a bar. On Taco Tuesday.
That guy had a wife and kid.
And I'm preeeeetty sure I caused their divorce.
Speaking of kids, Raelene just had her first.
She didn't even know she was pregnant until seven months in, she just thought she was getting fat from all the Chipotle!
And Trish. Literally the best friend ever.
I couldn't thank her enough.
As for me... well...
I've been just okay.
And that's the best result I could've asked for.
Until next time, folks!
(phone buzzes)
Evan?!
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