(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Copyright Able 2017
Men don't like talking about their feelings or admitting that they're weak or that they need help,
but mental illness doesn't discriminate.
And all three of us have suffered in our own ways.
(SOLEMN MUSIC)
We think we're staunch, and we think we can fix everything and handle anything, but we can't.
At some point, no matter how tough you are, how strong you think you are,
it's gonna get you.
We don't know how to have a conversation. That's what I see as half the problem.
If everyone's able to be honest, you know, say when they're a bit vulnerable,
say when they're hurting,
say when they're sad,
yeah, the face of Aotearoa will be totally different to what it is.
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, kia ora. Ko Matetu Mihinui tenei.
Um, known him since we were at kohanga and through to primary school,
high school, and then kept in touch, you know — stayed close throughout all the years.
Uh, that's, uh,...
Donald Trump. Nah, it's Wharekahika Clarke. Um...
Slash — Hulk. Slash — The Hulk.
Known him all my life. We've done everything together.
Just the mental health stuff, I was the first one that got a bit wayo'd there.
And I thought that'd be it,
and then when this fulla started having his troubles, um,
I suppose that's when it, sort of, I felt a bit of, yeah, a responsibility to...
help and awhi and that sort of thing.
For a lot of men, a lot of Maori, it's the hardest thing to do,
is to ask for help when you're, you know,
in a dark place or depressed and wondering when you're trying to make sense of things.
And just having that person that's in that field of expertise, I guess,
you know, I— I could trust him.
(REFLECTIVE ACOUSTIC MUSIC)
I'm a father of six — most of the time — wonderful children.
I'm married to my wife, Courtney Mihinui.
I'm from Rotorua. This wharenui is Wahiao,
my tipuna whare. My iwi's Tuhourangi-Ngati Wahiao.
And I was born and bred here in Whakarewarewa Village.
I suppose I was a cheeky little fulla.
Inquisitive. Always asked, 'How come?' and 'why?'
Being in a small community, everyone, sort of, looks after everyone.
My aunties and uncles and that are just like parents at home.
You know, if I look back at it, I'm probably a little bit unparented, I suppose.
I never knew my father. I remember asking my mum one time when I was young.
She said something, and, um,...
yeah, it was like Donald Duck or something like that, you know?
Telling a little kid. And I wasn't stupid.
And when she lied to me, that's when I outlashed. It wasn't always the best thing.
I just had that inquisitive mind, left to run rampant.
Yeah, I started doing things and trying things.
(CURIOUS MUSIC)
People would say I was mischief, no ears, but I don't remember that.
I remember being Superman, Batman, all in one. (CHUCKLES)
My culture's really important to me. My whanau, even more important.
And I was brought up with my nan, and she would talk to me. She would teach me.
My nan was really into her culture and her reo.
My parents are separated. There's still a close relationship.
My whole family, we're really close.
In all honesty, I've only opened up to maybe one or two people.
My mum's one, and Mata's the other.
Having a relationship after 10 years and when kids are involved come to an abrupt end...
and with no understanding or no reasoning
and you've given so much commitment to trying to better a stable future for your kids,
you know, to come to such an abrupt end, it hurt.
It was— That's enough in itself to make someone lose their mind.
I felt like experimenting.
I started to use cannabis like that. It was a daily thing.
Drinking till, you know, the sun comes up the next day.
Yeah, quite often during the week too, not just on the weekends and that.
Oh, eventually I became spiritually bankrupt.
I had nothing left.
I started to think what the world would be like without me, and that was 15.
It sort of started from there.
By the time I turned 17, I was paranoid about things,
and I ended up in Middlemore Hospital. Uh...
when I came to, I think it was about a Tuesday or Wednesday,
and talking to the doctor, he asked where I was, and I didn't know where I was.
The room was a bit different. I thought I might have been in a psychiatric ward by this time.
Stayed clean for about a week or two and started using again. Um, I was unwell. I was sick at the time,
and my mind was getting worse,
but I couldn't sleep, and I ended up staying awake for five days.
On the fifth day, I was probably the sickest I've ever been. Um...
Absolutely paranoid.
And then I started thinking of ways I might, uh, kill myself.
Where I fell over and might have stuffed things right up was when I
would've come across as a threat to my ex-partner and she felt threatened,
that she had to get the police involved.
I needed to be heard.
I had some police officers go to her job, make sure she's safe, take her away.
because they were scared that I might have done—
well, they thought I was capable of maybe physically harming her, which I wasn't.
I'd never do anything to hurt anyone.
Then I was hit with, um, a protection order against her.
Then I was hit with a parenting order, which meant that I couldn't see my kids.
That's when everything changed for me, where as soon as the kids got involved...
I haven't really talked about it, eh, to anyone else,...
(SOBS) not being able to see my kids,
which was, um, the case,
then all the orders served against me.
And that's when I lost it.
That's when, um— That's when I went all suicidal, and I attempted more than once.
I ended up ringing my ex and saying goodbye.
And she found me, rung an ambulance, and... (INHALES)
I remember ringing Mats just to say, 'Get to the hospital.' And then I woke up three days later.
I was angry. It wasn't gonna work.
Yeah, my auntie, uh,... yeah, she— she...
she called me, and she went and told my uncle and... (INHALES)
he came in, uh, a bit freaked out, I think, too. And he asked me what I was doing,
and I just dropped on my knees and sort of gave up.
And he came and, sort of, picked me up and that and gave me a hug and said,
'Oh, I think we might have to go and see someone, eh, boy.'
Uh, yeah, well, ended up in the psychiatric ward that day.
While I was in there, a doctor told me, uh, to look out of my room into the open lounge area. Uh...
and he said, 'Do you wanna end up like the rest of these fullas out there?'
So a moment of clarity, and, uh, 'Yeah, I don't wanna end up like this.
'This is not how it's supposed to be.' And I just, sort of, really dug in deep
to, uh, do what was necessary to get better.
You're scared of what people will think. You're scared of everyone.
You don't wanna go into public.
And then it was too much. I had another fight with my ex.
And then I...
I was prepared to do it again, but I didn't.
On my way to doing what I had planned, I just heard a voice, you know?
(AMBIENT MUSIC)
I went and sat at the urupa with one of my ex students, which is my principal's daughter,
and out of all the people that were ringing me, family,
I only replied to them, because I knew they'd understand.
They text to say everyone's worried. They were worried.
They had rung the police because they didn't know what to do.
At that point, I must have rung him 20 times,
and my wife, Jenny, she would've rung him probably as many times.
I went, sort of, looking for him, looking for his car,
seeing if I could find him in some places that I thought he might be.
Um, Jenny was doing the same.
And then eventually — and I don't know why — he answered her call.
Um, and he said that he was sitting at the cemetery with my daughter.
So the name of this urupa's kowai, we're sitting next to one of my, um...
one of my ex students who passed away, lost a battle to cancer.
During the time I was a little bit lost in the separation with my ex
and I felt I had no one to talk to, um...
I felt, um...
a kind of, like, you know, soon I'd end up in a place like this.
It was the changing point.
It was when I decided that, um, I'd never let anyone hurt me again.
You know, it was when I let it all go, screamed at the top of my lungs,
decided that this was it, that I had to make it on my own,
and that I couldn't look back; I could only go forward.
This is where I accepted a lot of things...
and just let everything out — all the emotion, all the hurt.
(SOLEMN MUSIC)
People are often surprised when I say that the day Tara died was not the worst day of my life.
Um, the day that I found out her prognosis and the kind of tumour she had,
that was the worst day of my life.
(SOLEMN ACOUSTIC MUSIC)
And that would be closely followed by the first day that we saw the tumour on the computer screen
and realised that that was a really, really bad place to have a tumour, right in the middle of her brain.
Do you wanna come and play? Come and play with us.
There was a bunch of hard days when she was sick and suffering.
They were the hardest times. And seeing the kids really upset, they were the hardest times.
Are you ready?
I suffered from anxiety for quite a long time after she passed.
Didn't wanna answer the telephone at work,
just in case there was a problem that I wasn't ready to cope with, kind of thing.
Is it a packet of chips?
(LAUGHTER)
I'm sorry. I'm not very smart. What are you drawing?
That's pretty well passed now.
I had a, you know, really good conversation with my oldest daughter, Hannah,
about why we were filming this, and she wasn't really aware that I had suffered from depression.
I mean, she was probably aware of my mood or how flat I was at the time,
but she wouldn't have known what sort of label to put on that.
In the kids' category? Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
Now a few years on, three years on,
um, I know that I'm not all healed, and I never will be.
Um, but I don't suffer from depression now.
Shall we sing that song that Matua Whare taught us that we're gonna sing at your auntie's wedding?
Yeah. OK.
I don't have really low moods. I don't have uncontrollable emotion swings for no reason
that I was having throughout her illness and the months afterwards.
# Ka waiata
# ki a Maria,
# hine i whakaae.
# Ko te whaea,
# Ko te whaea
# o te ao, # o te ao. #
Yayyy!
So beautiful.
(REFLECTIVE ACOUSTIC MUSIC)
My connection with Whare and Mats has been a real positive in each of our, kind of, stories.
They've got a much closer kind of brotherly relationship, the two of them,
which they've shared since they were kids.
That real close relationship is really important to them.
I know that.
(UPLIFTING ACOUSTIC MUSIC)
When I went to drug and alcohol rehab,
that's where I started to learn the things that were gonna get me better.
I started to learn and understand what was wrong.
Oh, this will be lunch.
Follows morning tea. (CHUCKLES)
And then I came back after that year, got home and actually felt strong enough to live here.
MasterChef.
Within a month, my hapu and not need to drink and do drugs,
I was a little bit stronger to be able to do that...
and, um, got into the mix of things.
I started to learn that I wasn't that bad person that I'd come to believe.
And I could change that with the help of other people.
Far.
Padlock, bro. Padlock.
(LAUGHTER) (CLICKS)
Any greens? We don't need greens, ow.
Ah, yes. You look at it on your plate.
(GIGGLES) Spinach. What's the other—? Silverseed. Silverbeet.
Silverseed. You don't even know the same, ow.
Over there.
(EXHALES) Bread.
There were a lot of people that were there for me, but I didn't realise how much I meant to others.
(EXHALES) Hurry up.
There was a lot of people that, yeah, turned up, but you don't, sort of, think about all that.
I needed to be a better person cos of the field that I work in.
Ow, did we put some potatoes in? Down the bottom.
You know, you can't be the sort of person that works with children.
So I had to, one, change my ahua and how I was thinking, not just for myself but for my own two children
and then for what I do in work.
Mean workout at the gym. Think it might be a bit rubbery, eh.
This is where I would come, quality time with my grandmother and my koro.
Yeah, so I've always kept being in touch with this whenua.
So, yeah, this is Ohorongo — Ohorongo Bay, Tarawera.
This is our little hidden-away paradise. (CHUCKLES)
I like to think of myself as a positive role model for these kids, humorous.
I like to make them think that they can come out of their shells and be themselves
and aim for the skies and reach for the stars and be anything they wanna be.
Ewwwww!
And that's my job to try and make them succeed and feel that they're capable of doing that.
(LAUGHS)
So, this is my boy, Whetu, and my daughter, Tanika.
Whetu's 8, and Tanika's 12.
Um, yeah, these are my two little kids, my munchkins. I love them.
Love them to death. (SINGS, STRUMS ACOUSTIC GUITAR)
# Te aroha. #
I love singing. I love kapa haka. I play the guitar with these kids.
The kids are building their confidence, and they're achieving, you know?
I— I do everything I can for them.
(VOCALISES)
(FINISHES SONG)
(WHARE PLAYS ACOUSTIC WAIATA)
50. 100.
So, I've been involved with the school for approximately six, seven years.
I've got, uh, 22 of my class, they're the senior school of Horohoro.
They range from 10 to 12 years old, year six to year 12. They're a great bunch of kids.
So, the first thing we're gonna do this morning is we're gonna do a bit of writing, OK?
Yeah! Yah!
I feel that they've now got someone that cares for them and is in front of them every day,
wanting to do the best and doing a lot for them.
Whaia e koe te iti kahurangi ki te tuohu koe me he maunga teitei.
Hmm.
What I went through, knowing what I know now, you don't want anyone to, sort of, go through that
and being able to feel comfortable enough to talk to someone is really important.
I really emphasise to my children, you know, that if they need to talk to me,
if it concerns anything, it doesn't matter what it is — even if it's a little niggle —
that they're welcome to come and talk to me about it.
We've got a really close-bond relationship.
One, two, three. (ALL CHEER)
OK. Run, run, run. Run, run, run, run! Hey, hey, hey!
(REFLECTIVE MUSIC)
I work for the Bay Of Plenty District Health Board.
Part of the mental health and addictions team and regional Maori health.
Yeah, nah, I'm situated in a court house, and I do drug and alcohol assessments for the court.
Started out as a pilot, then, uh,...
yeah, they made it full-time.
Hardest part of my job is sitting there, day in, day out, listening to our people getting locked up,
um, our people going away.
Families getting torn apart. I know that, you know, it's part of the job.
People do naughty things sometimes, and they go to jail.
But it's not easy to sit there— sit there, day in, day out, and watch that with your own eyes.
My MO in life, really, being on the kaupapa,
is, um, trying to help other people if, uh...
if I can.
Um, get lots of call-outs, lots of off-the-book stuff,
uh, to help my whanau members. If I can help them out, then I will.
Something I'm getting used to, learning how to do things a bit more balanced.
Oh, we're late!
I told you to wait!
Oh, this fulla rung up and he said, 'Oh, I've entered us into this competition.
'It's an eight-week challenge at the gym. You're on the team.'
And I didn't really have much of a choice.
1001! 1002! 1003!
And I think it was actually a good thing for me, cos usually if I think about losing weight or anything,
I wait for the motivation and start trying to get excited and get into it,
and it lasts about three days, and then...
you'll start watching TV.
Go three. (GRUNTS)
Well, I'm still there. I haven't missed a session yet.
One. (EXHALES SHARPLY)
One. (EXHALES SHARPLY)
One, two. (EXHALES SHARPLY)
We're the muscliest there anyway. But, um...
I must be the heaviest in our class, though, eh, ow?
Cos those other fellas are skinny. Yeah.
I'm tired. You're tired? Yeah.
Like, straight up, for years, me and this fulla been talking about,
'Oh yeah, that's us. Get abs.'
If we had've started when we first were talking about it, like, 20 years ago,
we would be abbed up. (BOTH LAUGH)
Ripped up.
All it's ever been is a conversation, so we needed someone to actually do it, put it on paper,
get us there.... (WHISTLE BLOWS)
...and do it.
CRACKS UP: Hopefully it gets easier.
Probably be easy by the time we finish.
(BOTH GIGGLE) Stop! Yeah! Disqualified.
So, how much do you weigh, then?
I'm not sayin' that on TV. (LAUGHTER)
Because it's been a little while since I've had my experiences, uh, I've learnt from that.
I've learnt the, um...
Yeah, I've got a lot of learning out of it.
And learning how to do things differently. Just trying to do things on a daily, sort of—
on a daily basis to make sure you don't end up in a situation like that.
And I suppose it's the same for you fullas too.
At the end of the day, we're still blokes and we still give each other heaps
and hassle each other at the gym or in general or real life and at school and whatever else,
but it's just about knowing, actually, that Whare knows that if he was really struggling
that he can trust me.
He's always willing to, 'OK, what do we need to do? How can I help?' You know?
These two guys, you know, are probably the only ones I'll open up to,
because they've— in the past, they've moved mountains to put me where I am today.
Well, anyway, for me, I get to deepen my respect for these fullas.
I'm learning to appreciate them in other ways and what they do
and what they do for their families and all that.
To show some strong Maori men doing that and talking about that,
it's good as a— you know, a middle-class white professional to do the same thing.
But, you know, sitting alongside you guys and say, you know, we've all come from different places
but we've been through similar things and we've done similar things to, kind of, work through it.
(VIBRATO GUITAR NOTES)
I think if I can help in any way I can, I try to.
I feel it's my responsibility to, having had the experiences I've had
and being able to come out on the other side.
I don't know. If I can give hope to someone that they can get well,
I'd live a pretty cool life, I think.
When people do ask you for help, you have to take them seriously.
Just say, 'Oh yeah. OK, bro. Oh, what shall I do?'
You have to take it seriously, because you only get one chance.
And if that chance is lost, you're gonna wish like hell that you had've listened.
If ever I need any advice or guidance, you know,
he's probably one of the closest people I can go to.
I've just got a big heart, caring for— yeah, caring for each other.
He's always there. Always got my back. I'd like to say that I have his back.
But I know whenever he needs anything or if he asks, I'm always there.
Oh, uh, I'm speechless, cuz.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Just, uh... (INHALES)
you're one of a kind. PLAYFULLY: Brothers.
(CRACKS UP) One of a kind.
Captions by Jake Ebdale.
www.able.co.nz
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
Copyright Able 2017
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