LEARNING TO LOVE ONESELF By Walter Riso
Audio Produced by CONSEJOS PARA SER FELIZ
Loving oneself is perhaps the most important fact that guarantees our survival
In a complex and increasingly difficult world to cope with. Curiously, our culture
And education are aimed at punishing too much love. There are times for love and decrees
About what is good taste and bad taste. If you decide to congratulate yourself by giving you a kiss, possibly
The people around you even the psychologist on duty) will evaluate your behavior as ridiculous,
Narcissus the pedant. It is badly seen that we give ourselves too much time, we contemplate or we self-
We are rebuked: "All excesses are evil," we are told. Debatable. Some
Excess remind us that we are alive. Our civilization tries to instill principles
Such as respect for the human being, sacrifice, altruism, the expression of love, good
Treatment, communication, etc., but these principles are directed to the care of
Other humans.
Self-respect, self-love, self-confidence and self-communication are often not
account. Moreover, it is considered bad taste to want too much. If a person is friendly,
Expressive, affectionate and thinks more in the others than in herself, is evaluated excellently:
Its name is "dear". If someone disguises his virtues, he denies or
Undermines their achievements, that is, lies or self-punishment, is
Accepted
Not only do we reject honest and honest self-acceptance, we do not care whether it's true or
No, but we enact and reinforce the denial of our virtues. Absurdly, the virtues
Can be displayed, but not verbalized. If you have a good body, you are allowed to use
Thong, miniskirt, or tight pants, but you're not allowed to talk about it. If people
They are self-motivated, so they are right, they produce rejection and annoyance.
This policy of not speaking well of oneself in public, of not being exaggerated in self-rebalancing,
Of not giving yourself much pleasure, of disguising, of great modesty, etc., ends up becoming
In a value that we use too often. The "virtue" of not wanting oneself
To himself in public, extends to when we are alone. When you try to leave the
Excessive selfishness, we have not allowed self-love to enter. If the human being deserves the
Respect that is promulgated for being something special, that should be extended to your own person.
To avoid falling into the insufferable pedantry of the know-it-all, we have fallen into modesty
Self-destructive denial of our virtues. For not being wasteful, we are
Petty Clinical psychologists know that this style of over-
oneself. It is the broth of the well-known and dreaded depression. You have the right
To love you no longer feel guilty about it, to dispose of your time, to discover your tastes,
To pamper you, to take care of you and to choose.
Unfortunately, our mental structure is being formed more on the basis of the evaluation
Other than in self-evaluation, and we become victims of our own invention. Self-sensitization
Has made us forget those times of childhood when everything was shocking and rewarding.
We are too "outwardly" seeking the approval of others) and not
We spend enough time self-balancing and liking ourselves.
Our system of socialization has been more oriented to prevent the affective excesses, known
By specialists as "manias" (inflated self-esteem, too much confidence, etc.), which,
To states of sadness and depression caused by insecurity, self-image and self-concept
negative. Sufficiency and excessive safety produce discomfort. The insecurity
Produces pity. Usually people tend to take sides for the weakest.
Immunity to the scourge of depression is only achieved if you learn to love yourself. As the
Better things, you need a special treatment. You can not allow yourself to be hurt or given
The luxury of self-destruct stupidly.
From a young age we are taught personal self-care behaviors: we brush our teeth,
Bathing, cutting nails, eating, controlling sphincters and dress. But what about the
Self-care and mental hygiene? We are not taught to love, to like, to contemplate
And to trust in ourselves. In addition, although some parents have this as a desideratum,
We lack adequate teaching procedures. Nor are we taught to teach.
The image you have of yourself is not inherited or genetically transmitted. As it
From what has been said so far, is learned. The human brain has a system of
Information processing that allows to store a virtually infinite number
of data. This information, which we have stored in social experience, is stored in the
Long-term memory in the form of beliefs and theories.
In this way we have information of things or objects, the meaning of words, situations,
Types of people, social activities, etc. This knowledge of the world, wrong or
No, it allows you to predict, anticipate and prepare to face what is going to happen. By
Example, if you know a person who claims to be a racist and an active member of the Ku Klux Klan,
You can predict how you will think and act on certain situations. Could you
Anticipate their behavior before a person of color, 10 who thinks about racism and
Its position in front of the traditions.
As you build an inner representation of the world around you, you also build
Theories and concepts about yourself. The relationship you establish with the world not only allows you
Know the environment, but also your behavior in front of him. These experiences of contact
With people (friends, parents, teachers) and things of your immediate material universe develop
An idea of how you really are. The failures and successes, the fears and insecurities, the
Physical sensations, pleasures and dislikes, how to deal with problems, what
They tell you who you are, what they do not tell you, punishments, etc., everything converges and is organized
In an internal image about your own person: your self or your auto-quequema. Can you think
You are clumsy, ugly, interesting, intelligent or bad. Each of these qualifiers are
The result of a previous story, where you have been generating a "theory" about you
same. If you think you are a loser, you will not try to win. You will say: "Why try,
I can not win "or" it's impossible to change "or" I'm not worth anything ".
Humans show the conservative tendency to confirm, rather than to distrust, the
Beliefs. We are conservative by nature, and this economy of thought returns us
Stubborn and taken from our opinion. Once established the belief is very difficult
Change it. We resisted looking at our way of looking at things. If you set up a
Negative autoscale, he will accompany you for a long time if you do not make an effort to modify it.
In short, what you think and feel about yourself is learned and stored in a way
Of theories called self-schemas. There are positive and negative self-schemes. The first ones will take you
To cherish you, the seconds, to hate you.
No one contemplates and cares for a person who hates. Similarly, if the vision you have
Of you is negative, you will not express affection, because you will not believe deserve it. If your self-squeeze
Is positive and you do not feed it, it will fade. Some people, instead of congratulating themselves,
Disguise their joy with a phlegmatic parco: "It is nothing" or "it was my duty". The
Denial of personal recognition is a form of self-destruction.
In the autosquemas four fundamental aspects are interlaced that, for didactic purposes,
I will try to separate. In reality, they merge into an indissoluble whole and form the nucleus
Of personal self-assessment. They can become solid foundations on
Which you can build a strong and secure self, or the main source of self-elimination
And self-price. They are: Self-concept (what you think of yourself), Self-image
(How much you like), Self-esteem self-support (how much you rewards) and Self-efficacy
(How much confidence you have in yourself). They are the four supports of a good ego, or
The four horsemen of the apocalypse. If you fail one, it will be enough for your self-squeeze
Is lame or unstable. In certain situations, if only one of the riders is disengaged, the
"Herd" can follow.
Although negative self-schemas can destroy us, humans show the inexplicable
Tendency to conserve and feed them. The strange behavior of maintaining self-schemes
At all costs can be deadly for your mental health. Depressive people, for example,
Show this tendency to confirm it bad. If they are considered ugly, they neglect their figure
To corroborate its ugliness; If they think they are unintelligent, they fail at the
Examinations; If they believe they are victims, they play the role of martyrs or seek punishment;
etc. This way of confirming negative self-evaluation, behaving as if it really
Outside true, is very common. Social psychologists have called this mechanism, general-
Unconscious mind, self-realized prophecies.
If your selfishness is irrationally structured, you will distort reality. You will feel
Stupid despite being intelligent, horrifying without being, incapable being able and, finally,
You will try to punish yourself for not believing yourself worthy of congratulations.
An interesting aspect to note is that people with problems of self-acceptance
Are too "hard" with self-criticism and "soft" when they criticize other people.
On the other hand, subjects who show good self-esteem are protected by being rather mild
At the time of self-evaluation. An act of self-sufficiency. Who said we should
Be twenty-four-hour goals "By no means am I holding an attitude
Compulsive to deceive oneself? I simply think that sometimes "turning a blind eye"
Against small and insignificant errors or personal defects is useful for health
mental. It is preferable an optimistic position of slight overestimation, a heartbroken attitude
Pessimistic with oneself and a positive attitude toward others. Love begins at home.
TOWARDS A GOOD CONCERN
"Have the courage to be wrong."
HEGEL
Culture has taught us to wear an invisible but painful club with which we are beaten
Every time we are wrong or we do not reach personal goals. We have learned to cast
Blame for almost everything we do wrong and to doubt our responsibility when
We do it well. If we fail, we say: "It depended on me"; If we succeed: "It was
pure luck". What kind of education is this, where we are taught to become
Responsible for the bad and not for the good? Self-criticism is good and productive if
Do it carefully. In the short term it can be used to generate new behaviors, but if
Uses indiscriminately and dogmatically, generates stress and is fatal to our self-concept.
The bad habit of permanently doing "inner cultural revolutions" is
A form of psychological suicide.
Some people, by having an inadequate self-evaluation system, acquire the "vice"
Of negatively speaking all over. Hanging posters with categories
General. Instead of saying, "I behaved awkwardly," they say, "I'm clumsy." They use
The "I am useless" instead of "I was wrong" in this or that thing. Self-punishment has been
Wrongly considered a way to produce appropriate behaviors.
How do you get a negative self-concept? A typical way is through self-criticism
Excessive. Humans use internal standards, that is, internalized goals and criteria
(Learned) about excellence and inadequacy. These standards emerge
Of the system of beliefs, values and needs that we possess. A high self-demand will produce
High and rigid operating standards. However, while it is important to maintain
Relative personal exigency levels, or moderately high to be competent, the "short circuit"
Occurs when these levels are irrational, too high and unreachable. The irrational idea
That I must emphasize in almost everything that I do, that I must be the best at all costs and
Which should not be mistaken, are imperatives that become unbearable. Put of
Absolute way to happiness in goals, is to remove it from your personal domain. So yes
The goal is not reached, the world is over. The poet Runbeck once said: "Happiness
It is not the season to be reached, but a way to travel. "
People who make success a value, who are extremely competitive and handle
Rigid standards of execution, travel poorly. They have mounted the wrong car.
Perhaps happiness is not to be the best seller, the best mom, or the best child,
But to try it honestly and calmly, enjoying it while traveling to the
goal. An exaggerated level of self-demand generates strict patterns of self-evaluation.
If you have strict criteria for self-evaluation, you will always have the feeling of inadequacy.
Your body will begin to secrete more adrenaline than normal and anxiety will interfere with
The performance needed to reach the goals. You will enter the vicious circle of
Who aspire every day more and have every day less.
Irrational standards will make your behavior never enough. Despite your
Efforts, the goals will be unreachable. When you feel incapable, your self-assessment will be
negative. This feeling of ineffectiveness and the inability to control the situation
You will experience stress and anxiety, which in turn will affect your performance away from you
More and more of the goals.
People trapped in this trap become depressed, lose control over
Their own behavior and unfailingly fail. Precisely what they wanted to avoid! For
High, this "no escape" situation, of frustration and uncontrollability, leads them
Self-criticism and self-punishment; They become victims of their own invention.
The consequence of this kind of short circuit blender is the loss of self-concept
And depression. The more you do of "winning" a value, paradoxically more destined
You're missing out.
Sometimes people can show rational goals for an unprepared observer.
However, exaggerated self-demand is measured in terms of the possibilities of each
one. If you do not have the skills or resources to achieve the goals, the aspiration
The simpler it becomes unattainable. In these cases, resignation and objective reassessment
And frank of your goals and resources is the solution. Unfortunately, if we do not win, we tie.
If you are too self-demanding and self-critical, you will use a dichotomous style. This wants
To say, extremes. Things will only be white or black, good or bad. You will see the
Reality with a kind of binoculars where the middle tones, the nuances and the tonalities
they do not exist. "I am successful or I am unsuccessful." Absurd. There is nothing absolute. It all depends
Of the glass to look at. If you apply this binary processing style, no doubt
The catastrophe will come. You will refer to yourself in categorical and inflexible terms,
As ever, always, everything and nothing. These words should be suspended from our
Be considered "bad words". The only thing they generate is confusion and misunderstanding.
Unsurprisingly, if you earnestly desire success, power, and prestige, you will fear
failure. This fear will make you focus more on the bad things that
The good ones, in order to "prevent" the mistakes you so fear. In other words,
You will develop a maladaptive targeting style aimed at seeing in yourself
Only bad. This will lead you to ignore the approximations to the goal, as well as the
Efforts and small ascents that you make in the staircase towards your personal achievements.
If you relate the above to the dichotomous style, then it is clear that such approaches
To the goal go unnoticed: "I arrive, or I do not arrive" "I am, or I am not in the goal".
The worst way to treat you is with impatience and contempt. For wanting to see the tree does not
You will see the forest. Negative self-observation, like self-evaluation and self-punishment,
Generates stress, diminishes performance, mistreats the ego and, in the long run, affects
selfconcept.
The use of extremely rigid, perfectionist and irrational standards increases the
Distance between your ideal self (what you would like to do or be) and your real self what really
You do or you are). The greater the distance between the two, the less likely to reach
Your goal, more frustration and more feelings of insecurity in the face of useless efforts
By approaching the supposed "happiness".
If someone courageously makes the difficult decision to "travel well", the pressure
Is inexorable and cruel. If, in addition, the goal does not coincide with the values
Of the reference group, the level of sanction can actually become intolerable.
Those objectives that distance themselves from economic production are seen as synonymous
Of vagrancy, bohemia or idealism. If we change goals, we are labeled as immature or unstable,
As if stability existed and was a symbol of intelligence. A quick look
To the people who have made the history of mankind shows that some instability
And dissatisfaction are essential conditions for living intensely. Absolute stability
does not exist. It is an invention of those who fear change. The famous "maturity", taken
To the letter, is the prelude to the decomposition. Blind blindly to your own standards
Or external is to restrict your freedom to think. You would lose the ability to make decisions and
Objective criticism. Do not be afraid to review, change or modify your goals if they are a source
Of suffering, even if your neighbors do not like it.
The important thing then is not only to discover that you are self-demanding, but to be able to modify
The standards. To achieve this you can not be too "stable" or too
"structured". You need a pinch of non-sanity (not to mention madness). People
Mentally rigid, self-critical and strict with themselves are normative persons.
They usually lock themselves in a jail made by themselves and the educational environment, whose
Bars are a set of virtues and values that are not always rational, of which they can not
escape. They struggle between good and evil. In general, these subjects are more Papist
Than the Pope. They have placed so many conditions and requirements to move in life, that
The road becomes too narrow and narrow to walk comfortably through it.
They hit with walls of self-criticism and should at every step. Others, however,
They cross a real comfortable and calm highway. The style of "beating" and
Punishment is not precisely the best ground for a self-concept to germinate and thrive
Without feet of mud. Being flexible is, without a doubt, a virtue of intelligent people.
But, as I pointed out earlier, to avoid something that we think is bad, we do
Something worse. By avoiding being a "weathercock", we define a goal and jam (some do
A kind of welding) the rudder to it. Absurdly we sacrifice the right
To change our minds and we are wrong, for the apparent safety of traveling on a route
Unchangeable We mistakenly consider that it is the only and best way to walk by
El Mundo
Like a grotesque cartoon, very self-critical people put on a shirt
Strength to not get mad, and the result, paradoxically, is the psychological imbalance.
You should definitely try to be less hard on yourself.
Saving self-concept
Let's see a guide that can serve to safeguard your self-concept of indiscriminate self-punishment.
1. Try to be more flexible, both with others and with you
Do not use the extreme dichotomous criterion to evaluate reality, including yourself.
Do not think in absolutist terms: there is nothing totally good or bad. Remember that
You must have tolerance for things to get out of the lane sometimes. If you are inflexible
In your things, you will clash violently with reality; She is not total or definitive.
Learn to endure, to personify and to understand your rigidity as a defect, not as a virtue.
Rigid things are less malleable, do not stand too much and break. If you're
Normative, perfectionist, intolerant and too conservative, you will not know what to do with
lifetime. She is not like that. The vast majority of everyday events will give you stress,
Because they are not like you would like them to be. Concentrate for a week or two on the
Nuances Do not rush to categorize strictly. Stop and think if you really
What you say is true. Check your way of pointing and pointing. Do not be drastic.
Find around you people to whom you have already cataloged and dedicate yourself to question
Your lettering. Look for evidence against, discover the nuances. When you evaluate, avoid
Use words as always, never, all or nothing. Do not label people, you included,
With totalities. As a leading psychologist said, it is not the same to say: "Robó
Once, "to say," He is a thief. " People are not "they", they simply
They behave. Intransigence generates hate and malaise. It's time for you to go back
Your rigidity.
to. Let yourself not be so normative. That will not make you a delinquent. If you have five days
To pay an account, pay the fifth, and if there is no legal risk, the sixth or seventh.
Do not always arrive early. Step on the grass Try to scream in a library. Be more
Informal one day, to see what happens.
B. Try not to be a perfectionist. Disorganize your schedules, your rites, your travels, you
Way of ordering things, etc. He lives with the disorder for a week. Fear him.
C. No rotules, nor autorrotules. Try to be benign. He speaks only in terms of behavior.
D. Concentrate on the nuances. Think more about alternatives and exceptions to
rule. Life is composed of shades rather than whites and blacks.
and. Listen to people who think differently than you. This does not imply that you must necessarily
Change your mind, just listen. Let the information enter and then decide.
Remember: if you are inflexible and rigid with the world and people, you will end up being so
with you.
2. Check your goals and the real possibilities to reach them
Do not put unattainable goals. Exert yourself according to your possibilities
And skills. If you find yourself trying to climb some Mount Everest, or change mountains
Or enjoy the ride. When defining a goal, you must also define the steps
Or the subgoals. Try to enjoy, "paladea1" the climb each step, as if it were
Of a goal by itself. Do not wait until you reach the end to rest and enjoy.
Search for intermediate stations. Lose time on this. Write your goals, review them, question them
And discard those that are not vital. Life is too short to waste. Remember,
If your goals are unattainable, you will live frustrated and bitter.
Do not self-observe only bad
If you only focus on your mistakes, you will not see your achievements. If you only see what you see
Lack, you will not enjoy the moment, the here and now. "If you cry for the sun, you will not see
The stars ", Do not be aware of your failures as a radar. Accommodate your attention
Also to the appropriate behaviors. When you find yourself focusing negatively on
Obsessive way, stops.
Do not think badly about yourself
Be more benign with your actions. Fortunately you are not perfect. Do not insult yourself or reprimand yourself.
Keep track of your negative self-assessments. It detects which are fair, moderate
And objective. If you discover that the lexicon to yourself is offensive, change it. Search for qualifications
Constructive Reduce your self-verbalizations to what are really worth it. Exercises
The right to be wrong. Humans, like animals, learn from
Trial-error. Some people believe that human learning must be trial-success.
That's a lie. The cost of growing up as a human being is to err and "screw up".
This universal law is inescapable. Saying, "I do not want to be wrong," is to make a
Tantrum and a tantrum for children. It is impossible not to be wrong, as it is that there is no acceleration
Of gravity. Mistakes do not make you better or worse, just get dressed. Just remember you
That you are human. When we talk about your Self-efficacy we will return to the fear of making mistakes.
Let's recap and clarify. Moderate self-criticism, objective self-observation,
Constructive self-evaluation and having rationally high goals are necessary behaviors.
Very possibly they have collaborated in the adaptation of the human being. These processes are not bad
In themselves, depends on how they are used and where they are aimed. Poorly used,
Rigid, hard, destructive and compulsive way, affect the self-concept. Used properly
Serve as an encouraging guide.
Socially speaking, he has not been taught to make good use of them. We are introduced
Ruthless self-criticism as a value and as the key to success; But possibly
By ignorance, we have not been alerted on its possible consequences. Avoiding
An end, undoubtedly pernicious (poverty of spirit, laziness, failure,
Being "little" and having no goals in life), has taken the pendulum toward the
Another, equally harmful and harmful.
Our culture seems to prefer psychologically disturbed but successful people,
To psychologically healthy but unsuccessful people. However, success here is secondary.
No use if you can not enjoy it. Dissatisfaction with oneself
Achievements and excessive ambition act as an engine, but, because of over-accelerated operation,
Usually burns early. You are a special machine within the known universe, no
The mistreatment Demand yourself, but within reasonable limits. Do not deny yourself.
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