I love watching superhero movies and TV shows.
See, to me, superheroes are like an escape.
An escape from the reality of the same old boring daily life.
Superheroes are bigger than real life.
They�re bigger than Susan and Kevin.
They�ve bigger problems than incomplete homework or bad weather.
They�re super.
And the thing that makes them so super, are superpowers.
There�s a shitload, and I mean a shitload of superpowers in the fictional world.
Flying
Strength
Immortality
Shooting webs
Being rich
Being more than one
Being amazing at managing time schedules
Having 10 eyes
Eating stuff
Having a hollow digestive cavity housing a pair of semi-sentient slugs which bore out
of the superhero�s torso and use a powerful enzyme to digest any solid object in their
path at super-speed, transmitting the energy back to their master.
Any-waays
Today I wanted to talk about superpowers, the good ones, the bad ones, the ones I like,
the ones I dislike and all that cool shit.
So let�s talk superrrr.
I sound like a top 10 narrator.
Super strength is the most cliche and overused superpower.
Everybody has it these days.
Most people don�t even actively think of it as a superpower, it�s just a thing that
superheroes have.
A superhero whose only superpower is �being a tough guy� is one boooooring superhero.
And I�m not talking about the likes of the Hulk, he has cool superpowers other than the
biceps and triceps
He can jump really high
He can heal fast
He has that weird clap
He�s green.
I�m talking about this guy.
Luke Cage.
His only superpower is super strength and being indestructible. That�s it.
So, he�s basically a tank.
His superpowers aren't interesting.
He's like one of the henchmen in Power Rangers. He's tough, that�s it.
�Bro bro bro bro bro bro, you wanna know my superpower?�
�No.�
�Broooooooo
-oooo-� �Okay what�
�I� go to the gym��
�...regularly��
�And I take steroi-�
Whenever you look at a superhero, there's always something that stands out in them,
there's always something that makes them unique.
Superman�s got that S thing and his underwear
Iron Man's got his suit
Batman his bat fetish
Spiderman his Spidery thing
Hulk's green
But Luke Cage got nothing.
He's just a male model.
He looks like a rejected rapper.
Look, I�m not trying to be an asshole, but I personally don�t find him interesting.
There's nothing interesting about his powers. His powers are boring.
If he was put in a crowd of a 100 people, he wouldn't stand out.
So according to me, no other superhero should have the superpower of super strength without
any interesting quirks or something that makes them stand out.
In simple words, don�t be Luke Cage.
Flying is another cliche superpower which is extremely lazy and unoriginal if it�s
the entire shtick of your character.
Any superhero with only the superpower of flying is a shit superhero who will probably
never get his own movie.
�member that bird dude? What is he called? Fal, fal, Fallon, fallopian tube, phallic
object, fal, Falcon! Falcon.
The only thing Falcon can do, is fly.
You know who else can fly?
Pigeons.
You're a glorified pigeon.
You can fly? You have the power of flying?
I have the power of booking a plane ticket.
You're a bird. I�m a dude in an aeroplane. You�re not amusing.
Flying is such an impractical superpower.
I guess it works if you have other extra superpowers, but just flying alone as the entire superpower
is shit.
If you�re making a superhero character, and his only superpower, is flying in the
sky, then just keep him on the ground man, your character will be called a clone, that
too of this loser. Not even Superman or something.
If one day an old guy gifts me a pair of wings that enable me to fly, and a knife.
I�ll take the wings, put them on his shoulders, and stab him with the knife.
Did the wings do him any good?
No.
Let me list all the problems with flying.
1. It messes up your hair
2. It's cold as aluminium balls up in the sky.
3. When you're flying, you get air resistance, right?
So, when you're flying, with the air all up in your face, your nose and all would look
smushed and fucked up, so a bird might mistake you for another bird, because even the bird
knows that humans don't fly and flying is an impractical superpower to have.
So it might mistake you for a sexy bird-ess-i guess? and try to have, you know, sex with
you.
What if it tries to have air hump you?
(Whispering) That's fucking weird.
And when the actual bird finds out that her husband's having sex with another person,
they're gonna break up.
And I've seen enough drama movies to know that she's not gonna listen to him going,
"oh it's just a misunderstanding".
You're gonna ruin that little bird's life because of your stupid superpower and your
fucked up face.
But back to this fuckface.
What can Falcon even do?
Best he can do is grab a person, fly really high and drop him on the ground.
By the time he does that the Avengers would've already killed everyone else
Took a couple selfies
Gone home
Done their business
And came back to see the annual festival of Falcon killing a bad guy.
Or he can do this.
Yeah! I'm immortal!
Yeah! I can live forever!
Whoo! I'll never die!
Yay!
Uhhh
Alright, this is getting boring.
Can I just-
-go?
Please?
Anyone?
ANYONE?
Oh fuck this
When you think about it, being rich is kind of a superpower.
If you're rich, then you can easily get anything you want. Be it a loaf of bread, a Buggati
or a superpower.
I mean, that's not even fictional, it's just real life.
Except the superpower part of course.
Oh wait...
You can!
Well, nevermind then. You're even more useless Falcon.
Just look at Batman or Ironman, you think they got all the cool shit they have just
because they�re smart?
Nah man. Stephen Hawking's smart, but do you see him flying a robotic exoskeleton or driving
a car aerodynamically designed to cover a lot of vertical space.
They got this shit because they were rich and had a bunch of money.
So yeah, if you�re rich, then it�s not very difficult to become a superhero.
Fucking rich people ruin everything.
Teleportation, I feel, is the most practical superpower, it has the most uses in the real
world, which does not contain any giant monsters you�ll have to defeat with your super strength
and fighting skills, or any genius villains you�ll have to outsmart through your mind
bending smartness.
The biggest problems you�ll face in this world are traffic, money, satisfaction, dry
spells etc.
And teleportation can solve all of those problems! (Warning: Results may vary)
See, the biggest problem that people face in the real world, is lack of money.
When people think of teleportation and money, they think, �I�ll rob a bank. Then I�ll
be rich�.
Although that may seem like a lucrative opportunity, there are a couple of problems with that idea
that you should consider.
The first problem is: where will you put all that money?
What you can do with your newfound stolen money is, either you put it in the bank and
pay your taxes and try to be a good guy, even though you just robbed a fucking bank.
Or you don�t pay your taxes and be the shit person you really are.
Doing both of those things is problematic.
If you try to put that money in the bank and be a good guy, you�ll be questioned where
you got all that money from.
And your unemployed ass don�t got no income source, does it?
So you�ll spiral into the sink of legal problems and it�s just a shitshow from there.
If you don�t put your money in the bank, you�ll have to put that money somewhere
or the other, so you�ll have to go through a lot of bullshit to put your money somewhere
safe, and I know your lazy ass enough to know that you�re not gonna do that.
You teleport to the fridge rather than walking for god's sake, you�re one lazy piece of
shit, if I�ve ever seen one.
Second problem is that by robbing a bank, you�re gonna hurt your own country�s economy.
And I don�t know if you have a problem with that or not, but I sure as hell do.
If you have this superpower, you should do something super with it.
If you�re gonna do something shit with it (like robbing a bank), then it�s not a superpower,
it�s a shitpower.
But don�t you worry, I look out for my mates, and I have the solution to all these problems.
The solution for all these problems is, you�re not gonna rob a bank.
What you�re gonna do is, you�re gonna start, a travel agency.
If you�re smart, then you already know where this is heading.
You�ll start a travel agency where you will transport people to any place in the world
instantly, at a significantly lower price than any other mode of transportation, through,
you guessed it, teleportation.
You�ll give a trial offer for 1 month where all transport through your teleportation transportation
will be free.
Through this method, you�ll grow a large customer base, which will be pretty much the
whole world.
The only problem with this is, there will be a lot of workload on you since you are
the only one who can teleport.
To avoid that problem, what you�ll do is
You�ll just get in touch with Tony Stark and he�ll figure out what to do, I don�t
fucking know
I don�t have a solution for that yet.
You could put a lot of people in a big room and teleport the room to different places,
and people will drop off to their station, sort of like a lift.
Oh wait, that�ll also take effort, nevermind then, just teleport to the fridge and get
me some food.
Time travel is hands down, the best superpower.
That is not an opinion, that is a fact. And anyone who disagrees can fight me.
Time travel is awesome.
Time travel is the most powerful superpower because you can defeat any superhero using
time travel.
It�s easy, you just time travel in the past before the superhero gets his superpower and
murder him.
Time travel has practical applications too. You can make a shit ton of money in stocks
using time travel.
You can time travel to any time you made a bad decision and fix that decision.
You can prevent your death by Final Destination-ing that shit.
You can be the best goddamn historian in the world.
You can be the best non-fiction storyteller in the world.
You can figure out the greatest mysteries of the world by time travelling to that mystery
and witnessing it yourself.
And the most important, you can Jurassic Park like a boss.
Tell me something better than looking at a bunch of dinosaurs in real life. (Pause) You
can't.
Amazing Slideshow.
So, when I was doing research for this video, I found a lot of weird and quirky superheroes
that I feel like I could make a video on.
So if you liked this video, and want me to talk about more fictional stuff, or movies,
or TV shows, or those weird superheroes, then like the video and tell me in the comments
to make this kind of stuff and I�ll make something.
Cool? Cool.
Anyways, that�s all I had to say about this whole topic.
Now take your muscular bodies and fly away to the immortal rich people.
Or teleport to them, I don�t give a shit.
I�ll go time travel now.
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