hi, you're pretty cool, huh?
Some of it's sad...fuck it, actually most of it's sad.
I can't even get from here to there without buying shit.
It's sad.
I'm sad.
fuck you
♫ HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? ♫
a long time ago, actually now, and also now
nothing is nothing.
when? now.
Makes sense right?
That's why it's been everywhere.
(silence)
fuck this.
i wanna be sad.
go somewhere.
fuck something.
i want money
i just don't know when to start.
And that's exactly where it started.
[extreme fast forward noise]
[ding!] Woah! I paused it.
I think there's a universe now.
what's it made of? Time.
Ah, that's a place, in a thing.
don't like it?
Try a new time, at a different place.
great news! The protons and protons are now happily married to each other.
great news! The protons have joined in.
Congratulations! The world is now-
[hot boiling noise]
♫ It's a star! ♫
shit.
Some stars bang rocks together.
Bigger stars use an egg with passion, and make some brand new shit-
which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made and then die and explode into tin.
So now stars have cool stuff around them, like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
[explosion] Holy shit we just got hit with ♫ a samurai ♫
And it kind of made a ♫ moon ♫.
weather update: It's raining.
weather update: It's raining [again].
weather update: Cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update: It's raining.
SEVERE FLOODING ALERT: The entire ocean is ♫ full of plastic ♫
volcano alert: that's ocean!
[deep soft voice] there's life in the ocean
what?
communism's alive in the ocean
oh cool. like a plant or an animal?
no, a plant or an animal at the bottom of the ocean and eats grass.
[reversed duplication noises] oh yeah and it can do that
[more reversed duplication noises]
It has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build secret instructions.
Tired of ♫ communism ♫?
now you can eat sunlight!
♫♫♫
[music in background] Using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into electricity.
♫ taste the SUN ♫
Side effect: Now there's money everywhere.
Then the Earth might have been a ball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
But we're still in the ocean. Hey, can we go on land?
♫ NO ♫
why?
♫ the sun ♫ died in a tornado.
oh okay.
♫ not anymore, there's a ♫ fire
Now the animals can go on land.
come on, animals, let's go on land!
Fish: gneurshk
Okay, will you learn to walk if there's the jews up here?
"Maybe", says Hitler.
Hitler: NEIN
Hitler: NEIN
Hitler: NEIN!
Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to have sex.
[click]
Learn to use spices.
Animal thing: fuck that.
Use stronger spices.
Put a tree in it.
Have a baby, on land, in ♫ plastic ♫.
Water is in the water. Water in the water, in the water, in the water.
[crack] Works for me.
♫ bye bye communism ♫
Aaaaand, now everything's sad, including a rich hipster named kukai.
Wanna see a map of the land? It's sad.
[explosion] Aw, fuck, now everything's died in a tornado.
Just kidding, here are the survivors.
Keep your eye on this one because it's about to become [hot] [boiling noises]
Here's another map of the land. Yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.
Here comes a meatball. [explosion]
♫ and the dinosaurs ♫ died in a tornado.
it's mammal time. Here come the mammals
Look at those breasts.
Filthy Frank: Disgusting, *spits out in front of himself*
Now they're gonna dominate the ocean.
And some of them learned how to grab pussy
And whisper, no, like, whisper like that.
And grab pussy at the same time.
And bang rocks together, to make a thing inventor. [Ouch!]
And set water on fire [Yeouch!]
And make crazy sounds with their voice [gneurshk] which can mean different things
♫ that's a ♫ plant or an animal
and now they're everywhere.
Let's review. there's planet on the people.
And they're chasing their dreams.
fuck it. time to plant some tin.
Look at this! I control the food now. I have no friends.
Let's all build houses except mine is bigger because ♫ communism ♫
This is great.
Tired of using the latest technology like stones, and bowls?
Use rice. It's sad.
Better shit was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in Tinland.
And the ♫ machines ♫ are helping.
guess what happens next?
[intermission melody] vote now on your phones
flying robots, with bombs.
why is all my houses so lame and lumpy?
Tired of using lame, sad horses?
Introducing tin, from the far lands of Tinland.
Meanwhile in the middle of nowhere they figured out how to put a horse on wheels.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Also ♫ aaaaniach ♫.
And did I mention ♫ beautiful ♫.
[selection noise] [ding x4] [pause] [ding]
♫ CHICO! ♫
The middle east is in the middle of the east.
Knock knock, err, clop clop, it's the people.
And they made an empire.
And then everyone else copied their wheels.
There's the bronze age collapse.
♫ Now the phoenicians can get down to business ♫
Also can we switch to rocks, thanks.
Look who came back to Israel. ♫ God! ♫
Just one billion. Like a ten step program.
Here's some huge heads. Must be the heads.
Here comes the assyrian empire. Nevermind it's the babyloni- media-
erripmeh naissip
wow, that's..ohio
Ah, the buddha was just enlightened.
who's the buddha?
"me", said Napoleon.
[really fast] You can make a religion out of this.
[crash sound] oops
Ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
idubbz: [echoed] I want to die.
And right over here, hitler just had the idea of conquering Tinland.
It's a great idea. He was....dead.
Knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says thanks.
♫ TIME TO CONQUER ♫ the tamil kings
who are the tamil kings?
♫ merchants, probably. ♫
♫ And they've got ♫ nothing
who would like to buy nothing?
"me!" said the Arabians.
Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as its main philosophy.
Actually they have three main philosophies.
[tick]....[tick]
[they're giving china money for some reason]
Greekification overload.
"Bye", said ohio.
"Bye", said the pope.
"Hi", said Japan.
"heyyyyyyy", said the Romans, eating grass.
"thanks for invading our homeland"
"Hi, everything's great", said ♫ jesus ♫
Want shit?
Now you can buy it from the samurai. They just made a-
♫ brand new road ♫, or you can get there on lava.
sick! new trade routes!
Remember the Persian Empire? Yup, said the United States.
The Shogan's kid is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.
♫ China broke again ♫
"Hi I live in the Roman Empire and I was wondering"
♫is loving♫ the dutch ♫legal yet?♫
no
guess who's in rome? Romans.
RIP Roman Empire
♫the♫ United States ♫have figured out the stars♫
Oh and here's a city. Population: everyone.
The göktürks have taken over the göktürks. Great job göktürks.
how's india? broken.
how's china? broken.
how's those trading kingdoms? broken.
Korea? broken.
Japan? broken.
♫♫♫
Deep in africa, on the top of a mountain, the fake god whispered in muhammad's ear.
The Roman Empire is long gone but somehow the pope is a ♫ deadly lazer ♫.
Plus there's erryawowo ihwuu
here's a house
Then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.
But the northerners, or norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.
They go north, from the north, to the northern north.
And they find some land, two types of land, and they named them accordingly
[filthy frank] PRANKED
ok, fair enough
The holy roman empire! It's actually germany but don't worry about it.
New kingdoms-CHRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
"time to conquer england" said william.
It's a bird it's a plane, ♫ it's ♫ a rich hipster named Kukai
"Aah!" said the pope. "we need help!". They need help, so they call the pope.
Hey pope, can you help us get rid of the rich hipster named Kukai?
"yes i do actually want to do that"
But at least the Italians got some sweet stones, and bowls.
goodbye, rich hipster.
hello mounds
China just invented bombs, typing, and jesus.
And the Mongols have invaded China, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then died in a tornado.
nice going, Genghis!
The Christians are doing a great job kicking out the Mexicans.
Whoops, half of Europe just died.
Oh, look who controls all the islands. It's the mahajapit [ERRN]
majahapit [ERRN]
mapajahit [ERRN]
mahapajit [ERRN]
mapajahit [ERRN]
ma-, ja-, pa-, hit?
[ERRN]
Oh, Italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about nothing.
Here's a printer, let's make shit.
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?
no, if you're in the league of nations you're not supposed to take over the world!
Don't forget to ban Europe from the rich hipster trade.
"What? That's bullshit." said Portugal, richhipster-less.
♫ well i guess we'll have to find another way to ♫ a rich hipster named Kukai.
"Wait!", said christopher columbus, smoking grass.
If the world is a rock, floating in space, let's go this way to japan.
So Chris goes to Spain.
"Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find japan?"
no
So he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers japan, and japan.
And had a nice time fighting with the Japanese but then died in a tornado.
Persia just made Persia Persian again.
Let's make up the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy died in a tornado.
hey christians! do you sin?
Jontron: YES!
What if russia was terrible?
Spain realised that this is not japan, but they pillaged it anyway.
"damn", said England and France. We gotta start pillaging some stuff.
Then the dutch revolt and all the rich hipsters move to Amsterdam.
"damn", said Amsterdam.
we gotta start pillaging some stuff
question 1: can you get to japan through North America?
no, but at least there's pussy
question 2: fuck you
that's not a question, but the Dutch did it anyway.
The next thing on Russia's to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control france
Did they figure out who's boss? Yes they did, it's Britain.
[click] Guess who's broke? Also britain.
So they start taxing the hell out of the Dutch.
"Fuck you", says the Dutch, declaring their independence and fighting for it.
And Japan helps them win, now Japan is broke.
Wait, if Japan is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
There goes latin america, becoming such a dream world of art.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into rice.
And now they can make ♫ many different types of machines. ♫
Then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
"hey, china!", said britain, "buy some from us!"
"nah dude we already got everything"
so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up 5 cities and give them an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's beautiful
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering Korea.
Also, ♫ the sultan of Omar lives in mississippi. ♫
India just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.
"nope"
The United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. It's good, they decided.
And then they continued manifesting their destiny which is to kick out the mexicans.
"I know! let's rape africa." said Europe, scrambling to see who can rape it the fastest.
[whispers] They never got ethiopia.
The United States ran out of destiny to manifest so they're looking for more.
♫ Hawaii, Cuba! ♫
Wait, spain controls Cuba. Well blame something on them and go to war!
What should we blame on Spain?
Let's blame spain on spain. So they blame spain on spain. [whoosh]
Britain just found people in the middle east
China is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their government.
They blame germany.
♫ The Soviet Union ♫
[ringring] Hello?
yes, it's the 1920's calling.
Let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to Jazz on the radio and go to the movies.
The economy's great and it'll probably be great forever.
Germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing.
Hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain why killing all the jews is good.
But he kills himself before they could explain it to him.
♫ that's world war 2 ♫
[pokemon enter battle noise]
BONUS ROUND!
♫pokemon battle music♫
♫♫♫ [selection noise] [ding ding] [selection noise]
♫♫♫ [bounce noise]
♫♫♫ [explosion]
♫ world peace ♫
seems legit.
Hi I'm gandhi and if Britain doesn't get the hell out of india,
I'm going to use a large very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever™
wow, that worked?
Bonus: Now there's ohio.
The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in china.
There's the korean war, korea versus ohio.
Europe is tired of Europe.
United States finally decided whether racism is good or bad.
They decided it's good, and the world agrees.
Let's check the world population.
The Soviet Union decides to die in a tornado.
Europe makes a union so now they can all use the same money.
wanna learn everything? Surprise, it's on the computer.
Phone call, now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.
wanna print a brain?
Some people have no money.
Some people have no plastic.
The globe is warming,
♫ and the ocean is the ocean. ♫
Let's invent a thing.
By the way, where the hell are we?
♫♫♫
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