Hello, and welcome. My name [is] John Edwards
And I am a certified Gottman method couples therapist and a licensed psychotherapist
[I'm] really excited to bring you the very first episode of the relationship success cafe
so during
These episodes. I will be providing you with tips on how to make your
[relationship] a success
So the very first episode will be the top six reasons
Why marriage counseling doesn't work and you're probably wondering wait didn't he just say [that] he was going to give us
Tidbits of information in order to help us make our relationships better that is correct
But I'm going to tell you
Why one of the most common things that people do to make their relationships better?
Doesn't work and that is marriage counseling. So here are the top six reasons why marriage counseling doesn't work?
Okay, here. We go reason number six
You have a bad marriage counselor. That's right
You heard me correctly [I'm] saying you have a bad marriage
Counselor your counselor was trained in couples counseling or marriage counseling
but he or she is just really bad [at] what they do and
In this case it won't matter
Because they're just bad at what they do just
[with] how there are bad drivers. They're bad doctors. They're bad lawyers
They're bad nurses you have a bad marriage counselor, and if that's what's happening
Couples counseling will not work
reason number five
You don't have a good fit with your marriage counselor
So research is very clear that
the biggest reason that counseling succeeds is because the client likes a counselor and
So if you're having marriage counseling with a counselor or a psychotherapist that you do not like
It is probably not going to work
reason number four
Couples wait an average of six years of having problems before they go get help
That's right six years
Usually around year three couples realized. We're having some problems. We should probably do something about it
Most don't most wait another three years and then they decide
Oh, we should really go get some help, but guess what by the time you get to the couples?
[counsellors] office
Your problems are like
Gangrena, they're really bad
You're in a lot of distress
And then what tends to happen is folks go in and I want to do this much work to save this relationship and so
It doesn't really matter what the couples counselor does
People don't want to work that hard, and so it doesn't really work
reason number three
one member of the couple is not really committed to the process right, so
they go, I'll go to couples counseling because
My partner is the problem and so they go and they say hey everything in the relationship would [be] great if you can fix him
Everything in the relationship would be great if you can fix her the problem
Is that is that it takes two people to have problems and therefore it takes two people to rebuild?
Reconnect and revitalize the relationship. So if one person is there really so that the other person [can]
Get fixed then couples counseling is not going to work reason number
two
One person in the couple has already
emotionally left the relationship
They're probably already seen an attorney
[they're] thinking about
who's going to get the kids they're thinking about who's going to get the dog or the cat and
The only reason they go to couples counseling is so that they can [check] it off on a box and say yep?
I tried it and
They [basically] as my former Korean co-worker used to say
They're saving face
So they're going to [counseling] so that they can tell their friends their co-workers their family
Kids, whoever might ask. Yeah, we tried counseling, but it didn't work
But they were never committed to the counseling process to begin with they were only doing [it] so that they can say
Yes, I tried it and so therefore the couples counseling will not work
okay, let's recap before [we] get to the number one reason reason [number] six you have a
bad couples counselor
Reason number five you do not have a good fit with your counselor. You don't really like your couples counselor
Reason number four you've waited too long you waited a long time and your problems are really really bad
And so you've now decided that you don't want to do that much work
reason number three
One person is only going because they think the other person has all the problems
reason number two
One person has already
emotionally left the relationship and
now we are ready for reason number one as
to why couples counseling or marriage counseling does not work and
Here we go
The number one reason why couples counseling or marriage counseling does not work you?
[are] seeing a couples therapist or a marriage?
Counselor who has zero training or very little training in couple counseling or marriage counseling?
You're probably thinking hey, wait a minute isn't this like number six
Didn't you say [that] number six? Is that I have a bad marriage counselor or we have a bad marriage counselor
Number six the couples therapist or marriage counselor has training in
Couples counseling or marriage counseling. They're just bad at it
This reason the number one reason is that the therapist that you may be seeing has?
zero training or very little training in couples counseling or marriage counseling and
Therefore, not only do they not know what they're doing
They're [also] bad at it because they don't know what they're doing
And so this is the number one reason why couples counseling or marriage counseling will not work?
most of us when we go to
Counseling school whether it's we got to get a degree in psychology or social work or marriage and family therapy we get excellent?
training in
individual counseling however very few programs provide very specific
[in-depth] training for couples counseling or marriage counseling or relationship counseling?
So it is very important that when you select
Your marriage counselor that you be sure that they have received [very]
specific training in
Couples counseling or marriage counseling or relationship counseling otherwise it will not work
There you have it the top six reasons. Why couples counseling does not work?
thanks for watching and I will see you next time on the next episode of
The relationship success cafe. Go out and make life amazing
you
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