Jake Paul's Therapy Session
Jake, why don't you tell me about your mother? Last week you described her as
"Lit, fam!" Were you burned as a child?
Jake! Jake! Why don't you tell me about your neighbor situation? If you-- if you
shoot another t-shirt cannon at me! I swear to god! Now it says here you were
born in 1997 which is described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders as "Tooo Young." How do you feel about that? How does that make you
feel? Jake? You can be-- You can be honest
with me. And you can open up-- if you... *cough* I chose the wrong profession....
Now, Jake, um, let's talk about your raping... sorry I misread that! It says "rapping," but, y'know
either/or in your case, am i right?! Oh you're-- you're dabbing. I get it
It's funny you've made a brand out of doing a gesture that
temporarily hides your face. It's almost as if your subconscious shame is finding
a way to manifest itself. It's like if it wasn't this then it would be, I don't know
growing a beard, or wearing thick-rimmed glasses, or projecting! yeah yeah no that
sounds about right. Jake Paul, you said in a recent video, "Do not conform to society and let
the money pile up." But that's kind of contradictory, don't you think? Because we
live in a capitalistic society, so really you're just as conformist as anybody. In fact
you could argue that a true act of rebellion would be to live your life
with elegance and decency in an effort to, you know, sort of have your own
spiritual growth-- *fart* You just farted in my office?! You
just farted in my office. Oh, you're, yeah, aha... that is a good one!
I'm sorry, Jake, but I am actually going to have to raise your rate at some point,
because it's-- okay... that should cover it.
Okay, Jake Paul, let's switch things up! Let's play some Mad Libs! Okay? "You are all that is wrong
with [noun]" It's a person, place, thing or an object, Jake!
It's a person, place, thing, or an object! Or an idea! Like love or a sports car--
You know what a noun is! Jake Paul? You KNOW what a noun is, okay, but I'm not
going to get angry at you, because I know that only validates you and gives you
boundaries that you probably lacked in your childhood, so what I'm saying is
it's totally finally you don't know what a noun is, and we'll skip the Mad Libs.
Jake, a recent top comment on one of your videos says, "[indiscernible nonsense]...
[more indiscernible nonsense]
[poor grammar, low-IQ Jake Paul fan gibberish]"
So it seems the gumshoes are on to you! You have a lyric in one of your raps where you say
"We the future, we'll see you in the past!" which is great because I actually
am trained in Rorschach tests and, as you know, that statement definitely has no
objective meaning, so you just tell me what you think it means, and we'll go
from there! Do you hate your father? Or are you
trying to be your father? Either is okay. It's all to get the attention of your
mother, or a mother figure-- you know, okay! Okay! You know what, that might have been
a little much! That might've been a little much. I think you might not be ready for that yet.
Let's start a little bit lighter. Let's do some "free association" okay? So I'm
going to say a word and then you just say whatever comes to your mind, okay?
There's no wrong answers. you can't mess this up. All right?
Here we go... "Merch." ...oh my god. you're getting an erection.
Okay, Jake. That's incredibly uncalled for all right? This is a professional environment.
I understand you have hormones, but let's try to keep your mind out of the gutter, all right?
Let's keep going... "Lena Dunham."
Oh, my god! ANOTHER erection! You don't know who Lena Dunham is, do you?
Yeah, that's what I thought. You just heard a female name... because 1997...
as I was saying. Full circle! When criticisms are thrown at you, oftentimes your fans [the Jake Paulers]
will say something like, "Um, who are you?!" which implies that fame as a precursor
to valid criticism and that fame somehow justifies your actions, so my question to
you is: do you know what "precursor" means? No, Jake Paul, "precursor" is not the thing you use to click around on PornHub.
You know, it's interesting, Jake Paul. Many depictions
of your generation in the media would
suggest that intersectional feminism is incredibly ubiquitous, but you actually
fly in the face of that. In a sense, you're sort of this reincarnation of the
brute, idiotic Neanderthal, only instead of clubbing squirrels, you're just buying
sports car after sports car and then plowing over squirrels throughout your
neighborhood, which makes sense as to why your neighbors would be so upset with you! Because
their roads have become rivers of blood!
And now you're snoring. I know you can hear me. Everyone is against you, all right? And that's mostly because--
open your eyes, Jake! There you are. It's mostly because you truly are terrible.
Everyone is truly against you. The haters you have, Jake, actually are correct in their hate.
But they can't properly articulate what's bothering them, but I can. Because I'm a professional.
Yeah, I mean that's a starter. That's one reason right there.
You protect yourself from the pain of the haters by making sure that you stay mediocre.
People do this all the time! Some people make crappy rap songs.
Other people hide behind sarcasm and intellectualism. Everyone is afraid of
showing their vulnerabilities! And that's fine, as long as you don't want to grow, and you
want to instead remain stagnant. But I'm telling you, Jake!
If you choose not to grow, your fans will. And your numbers will drop.
And isn't that the scariest idea of all? Even scarier than when your mom lit you on fire. God, I'm good!
As you stay the same, your fans are going to get older and there's gonna be a back
door to your brand. Then other people are going to come in and they're going to
find the next hottest thing that's not going to be you, but it's somehow going
to be worse than you. So, I don't know, what are people going to be into that
could possibly be worse than you? Maybe actual, violent terrorism, instead of the
mental terrorism that you inflict upon people's sense of tact and decency on a
daily basis! I'm telling you, Jake, you need to grow, okay? I've seen it happen to all the greats....
which means I'm sure it can happen to the shits. *Jake Paul farts*
You-- you farted after I said, "shits"? Haha! That's actually really funny. All right okay fine! *dabs*
You know I'm a Jake Pauler, dude! you know I'm a Pauler! I love you, dude!
You know what? You're hilarious. Like it or not, Jake, as society continues on the
trend that it's currently on, there's going to be even more and more room for
f*ckboys like-- Jake? Jake?! Jake! We HAVE to pay attention. We have to pay attention here.
Okay? Otherwise, you won't retain anything-- Jake? Jake!
All right, listen. You're harmless, minus your raps. Those are actually... that's an
incredibly destructive thing to do to people around yo. But besides that, you're
a good guy, and beyond that, you're more than anything a monster of our own design.
Jake Paul, here's my advice to you, and I think you you should take this advice
because you're paying me four thousand dollars a session even though I only charge two hundred fifty.
You keep doing you, man! Okay? You were made by my generation which
split human beings into two moral categories: good and bad, even while
insisting that other areas, like sexuality, spirituality, and gender, are
entirely fluid. It's like, we forgot-- Jake! Jake! Jake! We forgo,t in our attempt to be
inclusive, that being inclusive also means including vacuum... vacuums of talent
...and black holes of charisma, such as yourself. You, in essence, Jake Paul, are a metaphor for
all of life itself. You are unabashed emptiness. And I think that's beautiful.
And in that sense you are actually... a true maverick.
I didn't want to tell you this, because I didn't think you were ready for it. And to be honest... I'm still not sure.
Because you're such a unique case. I'm writing a peer-reviewed article about you
that I'm going to submit to the Journal of Psychology.
I truly believe you are the next stage of human evolution: a being so transparent
and empty that you reflect back your haters' emptiness. My god, Jake Paul, you're incredible.
Jake? Jake? Hey, listen to me.
I'm trying to tell you: You are my favorite client, and I believe that you are the
next step in human evolution. Do you understand what I'm telling you?
How many edibles did you have before you came in here? Okay, and how many fingers were you just holding up?
That's what I thought. I think our, uh, time is up here today, Mr. Paul.
Thank you so much. Absolute, wonderful breakthroughs! Thank you for all of this.
If you could do me a favor and-- sure, yeah-- yep. If you could
just send in Logan Paul? Yeah, sure. Listen, I think I saw Logan drinking out of the fish bowl, so...
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