I think you always have a sense of what you are, People often say they have no concept,
for example a teenager has no concept, has no notion of what is, what
if it is from a very small age because has to do with the education they give you, what
that they tell you and you see yourself in other people.
And in my case, she it was my cousin and when you have that shock when I see that everything is
upside down, it was when I went to school, because at home we end up not having great
references, is and is not, but then You get to school and have that separation.
When someone speaks, people soon associate that to a person, "there she feels because
she was playing around with the doll," not only, not only, it is because you feel, you feel that you belong to a
place that does not identify you and you identify what you are in other people and you do not have
opportunity to be what you are.
This is frustrating for a child.
You feel that, and the jokes too, therefore the separation of boys and girls
and there is soon discrimination in children because you're only close to the girls, not
close to the boys
But you have been living like this for many years, because only when it reaches adulthood does it ...
I had an education a little more, my mother a little, maybe afraid of reprisals
that she could suffer from my father.
Until a certain age, I felt that there has been here so much
judgment from my mother, But maybe if my father was closer
other type of behavior but on the other side, a boy has to be a boy
Yes, but my father never had openness and then the psychologists, the
society with the rest of the family, "man-up "and you end up internalizing that and you try to be a man
as a teenager he still have a double life, my mother leaves
I stayed at home alone and there I dressed in her clothes with the clothes
of my grandmother and it was a party.
But at the same time, you have the devil and you have ... the angel, do not do this, you are a man,
accept yourself as such and I do not know what ...
And then you get to a part of your life that is, in the beginning of adulthood
... in which there is such frustration and it begins my homophobia, my transphobia, being
a homosexual man.
I did not accept that men were more effeminate just like the baggage of that I received
throughout "make yourself a man", "men are like this"," women are like that "and so on and so forth...
And there was a certain time already in the of my twenties entering thirties in which
if I was quiet, nothing would denounce me and because then it was such a frustration
too big I did not want to be effeminate and I do not know what....
And all these ...
And then at 38 I did it
Because?
If there was so much homophobia and transphobia internalized, which began to break this
barrier?
I needed to be alone and over 2012, I went to live to Germany and at the end of 4 months
I saw myself in an psychological institute, psychiatric by the way, closed
and obliged to sign a term of responsibility that I could not leave because I thought too much
in suicide, only I never talked about the matter, what have I been there?
I was there around were 5 months and after those times of appointments and so forth, I continued without speaking
because I never thought it necessary do something here, I've never seen myself as
woman, I mean I saw myself as a woman. But it was preposterous, it was a totally
unthinkable.
The doctor put me in another hospital, in another clinic and tells me: "If you do not accept yourself,
then you die! "
But accept me in what?
I never talked about this topic and it started to speak, very subtly, and I did not even realize it
and he began to say, "You have to accept yourself, because if you do not die, you
kill yourself, "
What do I do? What am I going to say?
Where do I go?
I had my first consultation with my family doctor who makes an internal request,
that an internal request is now made, and I've been waiting since January, we're in March
April
And I'm still waiting but I'm be followed by a private clinic, I also
I have no possibility of making the payment, As I can, I'll pay for the appointments
I was unbalanced and now it's starting. to balance and, while it's balancing or not,
people become very fragile.
I think I'm better but I think there are a very big gap because "Take it!"
and then not a psychological accompaniment, there is nothing and the National Health System
It has to work better, in my view.
How was the first time you went out? the street dressed up and dressed as a woman?
It was thus one thing (laughs)
happiness mixed with agony.
I started slowly, I put only the base and a little mascara very discreet brown eyes and then
I started, I got to the point of "Now I want to be me, now there is no going back ", then
the people "but take it easy", I do not have, do not I want to be calm, leave me alone, then
dress up like this and not seen that, look, do not make-up so
And then it was the way around, I walked away, people got away from me a lot but the
others that started to give me a lot, to criticize me because "you are the age you have, you can not
make-up like that and you can not wear clothes like this " and so forth ... and I said then leave me alone,
I want to live it all now, do not I?
It is now that it is experiencing everything, it was 38 years but was not 20, could be in the beginning
At first, I wanted to try everything.
But, for example, I really go outside without makeup.
I still can not, because I still have a beard, I'm still doing the laser, unfortunately
hormonal treatment does not completely annihilate the hair of the beard.
I'm doing it slowly, I have friends of mine. that make me two friends who are paying
for the laser treatment and this is incredible because people normally don't...
We live this way, we are friends, but it's not like this.
When she told me she was starting to go out dressed, I almost
panicked because he was afraid of the prejudice and he was afraid that they would do her harm.
I didn't expect that at that age, with the age she was at the time, what happened that
but then I know it, it's a way to be happy, if you're happy, that's okay,
but, for my sake, I was terrified that I even warned her "do not go out much at night,
you pay attention to the the places where you go to because we we know that there are people who do not accept and
are capable of doing evil "and this is what I was afraid.
My fear, I still have, I still have.
And then it's him and her, he was there in the feminine and in the masculine.
You had to train a lot.
Because it was Miguel and then, suddenly, "Miguel," then "Angela,"
"Miguel "," Angela ".
I told my brothers and then slowly has gone, I have been saying, why do I still say it
to people.
Because I'm talking and saying "my daughter" and people stay like that.
"Yes, I have a daughter now" because she's trans, but it's my daughter,
People sometimes they choke but oh well.
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