Hey guys, swankivy here again with another Letters to an Asexual.
This is Number 45.
And I'm gonna read a relatively old one and also a relatively short one for you today.
And it actually touches on something that I haven't really quite covered in Letters
to an Asexual.
I'm sure that I've covered it in essays and rambles elsewhere, but um, so, for number
45 I'm gonna talk about the concept of, um, reverse psychology.
I got a letter that, in part, told me that they think maybe I'm subscribing to an asexual
lifestyle just because so many people tried to change my mind and now I feel like I have
to be committed to it, and I have to do, um, the opposite of whatever everyone else expects
me to do out of reverse psychology.
So let me go 'head and start reading the conversation to ya.
Um, so this was after I had posted, um, I guess all of the videos in my original asexuality
Top Ten, where I had outlined the top ten most common objections people give me about
asexuality, and this is, you know, predating my whole Letters to an Asexual series.
So, I mean, this is a good while back but, um, it was a response, I think, though, um,
the comments or maybe a private message from those.
So this person was, you know, not entirely ignorant about it, and seemed relatively respectful,
but again, had their own theory about how things have, uh, worked out.
Uh, so, this is what they had to say.
"First I want to say 'Very Interesting.'
I am sad for you, but I do not feel sorry for you.
I think it is too bad you cannot enjoy this part of being human.
I hope it changes for you, I understand you're content in your life, but sex is a nice part
of the experience.
I have a couple of comments and questions, I hope I do not offend you, it is not at all
my objective.
You appear to be a VERY intelligent lady.
I wonder if your lack of interest has anything to do with the fact that soooo many people
tell you that something must be wrong with you.
What I'm trying to say is, you know it is human nature to not like to be told what to
do.
So If I say you're crazy for not wanting to have sex, then your reaction is to dig your
heels in.
Also I wonder if your intelligence is over powering your animal instincts.
Like I said above you come across as out of the norm a smart person, I guess a well above
average IQ.
I can think of no better analogy.
And as I'm sure you know, the most powerful sexual organ in the human body in the mind.
We must let our animal come out.
I know that I have issues that make me uncomfortable in a sexual situation until I am very comfortable.
I have a very hard time just turning my brain off and, pardon the expression, 'getting busy.'
I over think and unable to have a good time, sex is very frustrating and disheartening.
I know my issue comes from my ex-wife and her making me feel bad about sex.
OK one more question I saw in the top 10 that you have had sex, and you did touch on masturbation,
have you ever experienced an orgasm?
This is a very personal question and I understand if this is none of my business.
And do you enjoy sensational touch, like a good massage, I know that these are not completely
related, but if you enjoy a good massage, I personally find it interesting that you
would not be interested in other types of sensational touch.
Again I want to say I really hope I'm not being nosy, or demeaning in this email, I
just wanted to add my comments.
I wish you all the luck in the world, even if you do not ever find your exoticism."
My response: "Hi there, thanks for watching my videos and writing to me.
Quote: 'I am sad for you, but I do not feel sorry for you.
I think it's too bad you cannot enjoy this part of being human.'
I guess you can feel sad for me in the same way I can feel sad for everyone who's never
written a novel.
To each his own.
Quote: 'I hope it changes for you, I understand you are content in your life, but sex is a
nice part of the experience.'
I think of it more like scratching an itch.
It's not gonna be satisfying to scratch your arm if you aren't itching.
Satisfying the urge to scratch is part of what makes scratching great.
There isn't a way for me to deliberately seek out a mosquito to bite me.
It just doesn't work that way.
You can try to get things you want, but you can't make yourself want them.
In other words, 'sex is a nice part of the experience' only if you want it in the first
place.
If you don't, it's not the same thing."
Um, and I will interject here outside of the letter that I have heard from some people
who said, you know, "I didn't really care for it but I enjoy engaging in that with a
significant other," and you know, that's legit, if you enjoy some aspect of it that isn't
really about your own personal pleasure or maybe you found some kind of personal pleasure
that you didn't crave in the first place but found it was great when you decided to go
for it, I mean, that's a thing.
But it's also equally valid to feel that it's just not something that seems like, um, it
would be valuable to you, like, I don't want a relationship, I don't want that kind of
closeness with another person, um, I've never developed a situation where another person
is appealing like that to me, and thinking about the realistic possibility of doing that
with them, um, sort of leans away from neutral and into negative for me.
I just don't feel good about it.
It doesn't seem appealing at all.
Um, so, you know, you have--it's a very personal decision if you wanna make that part of your
life.
It's not just something that you have to want before you get it, I understand that, but
um, you know, that's still a pretty good analogy, if you wanna say, um, that scratching an itch
is very different from just scratching when you don't have an itch.
"Quote: 'I hope I do not offend you, it is not at all my objective.
You appear to be a VERY intelligent lady.'
In general it doesn't offend me if people want to ask questions.
As long as they're polite about it."
And I'll interject here again, um, it really kinda bothers me that this person keeps harping
on me being "intelligent," like, as if if I wasn't particularly smart or something,
then the situation would be different, and that it would be more allowable for people
to tell me what I should want and try to steamroll my will or something like that.
It almost feels condescending.
I--I feel like maybe the person didn't intend that, but the fact that they kept reassuring
me that yes, I mean, you're intelligent, you're smart, I get it, I get it, you, you've probably
reasoned this all out, BUT, listen to what I have to say.
You know, it's like they thought if they didn't reassure me that I'm smart, that I would counter
with this counter-psychology kind of thing that they seem to think is going on, and it's
like, whether I'm smart is irrelevant to this, so anyway.
Moving on.
"Quote: 'I wonder if you lack of interest has anything to do with the fact that soooo
many people tell you that something must be wrong with you,' blah blah blah, 'you dig
your heels in.'
Ah, 'you just want to be different.'
While I respect the power of reverse psychology (and minored in psych myself incidentally),
no, I can say with some certainty that that's not going on with me.
I'm a very open-minded person, but I'm also in touch with myself and I can tell you what
I like and don't like, and exactly why.
If people I trust say something is great, my first inclination is to believe them.
I'm not one of those people who just rebels against anything that's popular or well-liked.
It doesn't make sense, and in fact I tend to get even more irritated at people who do
that than I do at people who follow all the trends, because the 'counterculture' folks
sometimes seem to think they're on a higher level and really enjoy lording that over others.
I don't understand it.
And I don't see what purpose there would be for me to do something in response to or in
spite of what other people want.
It's my life, after all."
And quoting, "I also wonder if you intelligence is overpowering your animal instincts, we
must let our animal come out."
And I say, "I suppose I'm not a particularly impulsive person, but I think I'd know it
if I felt sexual attraction toward someone.
It's not that I'm repressing something.
It's not that I'm logic-ing my way out of lusting.
I just plain don't experience that reaction when I like someone.
I'm not shy or repressed about really anything, so I think just randomly assuming my sex drive
must be smothered by my brain would be a big leap to make."
Quote: "OK one more question I saw in the top 10 that you have had sex, and you did
touch on masturbation, have you ever experienced an orgasm?"
My response: "I'm confused.
I never said anything anywhere about having had sex.
I have not had sex.
I believe I was very specific about that.
I don't know where you got the idea that I've had sex.
(It'd be nice if you enlightened me, please.)
Masturbation isn't something I've cared to do much of.
It's not compelling.
Some asexual people still have a sex drive and like to do quite a lot of this, but it's
just not my thing.
I COULD have an orgasm--my equipment works, if that's what you're asking--but nothing
about it is attached to other people being attractive to me, and nothing makes me crave
it."
And then quoting "Do you enjoy sensational touch," blah blah blah, do I like massages.
And I said, "As long as the person giving me the massage isn't doing it to be gross
(and that HAS happened to me), I do like massages and back scratches and stuff.
The person doing it has to be good at it and has to be gentle, though.
I'm pretty fragile and kinda bony, so I'm easy to hurt, and too many people seem to
think 'massage' means 'try to break her back.'
I tend to get a little uncomfortable if the person gets too close to me and ends up breathing
on me or something.
I don't like other people breathing on me."
And quoting, "I wish you all the luck in the world, even if you do not ever find your exoticism."
And I said, "I think I might need your help with understanding the usage of 'exoticism'
in this sentence.
Hope I've answered your questions in a satisfactory way!"
So that wraps that up.
Um, it's not the only time I've ever had somebody suggest that it's all about intellectualism
and my logic overpowering my animal instincts, so to speak, but um, this is a relatively
rare one.
Um, but uh, at the same time, it tends to go hand in hand with if you're at all, like,
intellectual or you write a lotta crap online like I do, people will interpret that as evidence
that you're very cerebral, and that that goes hand in hand with not being in touch with
your body for some reason.
And you know, I'll agree that I'm pretty cerebral, I mean, sometimes to my detriment, I guess.
I live in my head more than in the outside world, it's true, you know, and I don't consider
that to be shameful or a fault of mine, it's just, I guess, um, I'm a little more introverted,
a little more inwardly directed than most people, so I think about, um, my inner world,
I guess, more than um, maybe most people do.
Um, I guess I can't be sure of that, but um, you would think that for a person who spends
as much time in their head as I do, that I would notice if there was any spark of interest
of this sort.
And people like me are also usually very curious, like, we're--we're a curious lot.
And um, I wouldn't say that it necessarily goes hand in hand with, uh, seeking novel
experiences but there is at least usually an intellectual curiosity that goes with being
an intellectual or cerebral person, which, you know, I'm--I'm not saying that with any
value judgment on it.
I'm not saying it as, um, like a way to, uh, put myself above anyone, but you know, there
are some people who are, they focus a lot on, uh, analysis and whatnot, and I am definitely
one of those people, so um, but yeah, we tend to be curious.
We tend to be very interested in carrying out experiments in our lives, and finding
an objective answer, and um, in my case, um, that has been true in other aspects of my
life, but this is not something that I've ever been curious about because, um, of how
sure I am that I feel the way that I do.
And how you experience attraction is quite variable between people and very individual.
So it tends to be an incredibly subjective experience, and I don't value "objective"
over that in the world of analyzing sexual behavior or sexual attraction.
I don't need anyone to prove that they feel the way they do or that they've experimented
to anyone's satisfaction before I will default to respecting whatever they wanna be called
or however they wanna be seen, so I really wish that people would not write me emails
like this, even though it was relatively respectful, um, because there were several places in there
where the person said stuff like "we have to let our animal out" or "I wish that you
would change."
And to what benefit, uh, would those changes be?
That's what I wanna know.
Why--what is it to you?
What is it to anyone that I change this.
Um, they seem to think that I'm lacking something that if I was not lacking, that my life would
be enriched, but I really wonder whether they ever think about how my life is, uh, diminished
by how much time and attention I have to put into, uh, having my personal convictions and
my personal interests questioned every time I talk about what my experiences are.
Um, so, whenever anybody comes at me with these kinds of questions, uh, with a clear
agenda that they want me to change, they wish I would change, they think I'm not having
the "full human experience" if I don't, I question that, because I don't really think
it's about me.
It's about them thinking they know what "the" objective human experience is and what it
should include to be considered full and satisfying.
And they perceive that I'm missing a part of it that if I would consent to include it
in my life, my life would be enriched, but uh, they really need to mind their own business.
So, that's where I'm gonna end this and thanks for watching.
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