Here comes Jim. He's just swell.
You can tell, he does it for the money.
Here comes Jim, tall and trim.
Put your hands together and welcome him.
Let's hear for the Jim Dancers, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, give it up!
The Jim Dancers. Come on, let's hear it.
The Jim Dancers, yeah! The Jim Dancers, woo!
The Jim Dancers all right.
There they go! Give it to them.
Well, good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jim Carrey,
and how are you this evening, all righty then.
I grew up in Canada.
Is there anybody here from Canada?
Now, I used to get really upset, when I told people
where I came from down to Los Angeles.
Because I always got the same response.
"Canada? Wow.
Must've been cold."
Now I just go along with them.
"Yes. Canada.
It was a frozen hostile wasteland.
And there was much work to be done.
If we were to survive the elements
after boring a hole through the ice
to find food,
my good friend Nantuk and I,
would build an igloo
to protect ourselves
from polar bears
and flying hokey pucks.
Then...
then we would drink a lot of beer.
And when Nantuk was ready, he would tell me the story
of the great moose
who said to the little squirrel,
'Hey, Rockey!
Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!'"
Anyway...
Anyway, I'm here tonight and I feel good.
Really good. Excellent. Super.
I just wanna go, go! Go! Go!
I think, those subliminal motivation tapes are starting to make a difference.
Yeah, that's right, I listen to motivational tapes.
Think, I wanna get stuck in this dead end job?
No, sorry, not me!
I wanna do something...
wonderful.
I wanna be one of those gospel singers on a PTL club.
'Cause those guys are just happy no matter what.
I think I saw him on the hill the other day.
I think I saw him when I watched the children play.
But when I opened up my voice to sing him praise,
he ran away.
Ran away.
Far away.
My singing made sweet Jesus run away.
I did not have to wait for Judgment Day,
because my song
made the Good Lord...
Imagine if you could actually be that happy.
That would be powerful, man.
People would be tunneling under the street to avoid you.
"Oh, man...
Is the happy guy still out there?"
"Honey! Looks like I gonna be late again!
No, it's the happy guy.
He's right beside the car, I can't get near it."
Of course, if I wanna to be that happy, I'd have to forget all of my problems.
And the only time I forget all my problems
is when I'm right smack dab in the middle of sexual orgasm.
So I have them as often as I can.
I'm having one right now.
Ever had one of those really smooth orgasms?
Turns you into Elvis.
I think, that's how Elvis got that way, actually.
But that's my only escape. You know.
Sure, I could go on a vacation.
But I'd still be thinking about what I gotta do when I come home.
See, to me,
an orgasm is like...
a mini vacation.
But it's better, because you can't think about anything when you have one.
"Oh man, I'm way behind in the red..."
"My kids need braces.
What am I gonna do?"
And you're right back into the pain of life, you know.
But for thirty seconds, man, you're free.
All you can think about is,
"What the hell am I gonna grab on to?
Gee, I hope, the person I'm with doesn't do anything stupid,
like move!"
You ever been with somebody who wanted to just keep on moving?
I used to keep a brick under my pillow for people like that.
"It's over! Let it go!"
"We won't go out with her again."
That's the only time.
That's the only time I'm really truly free.
The rest of the time, I sit around
and I worry about the stupidest things.
Just stupid things. Ideas.
Like, what would you do,
if you found out your mom and dad went to hell?
Wouldn't it just ruin the rest of your life? You'd be walking around,
"They taught me everything I know.
I even look like them!"
Of course, my mom would drive the devil crazy.
If she ever went to hell.
She'd spend eternity going,
"Something's burning.
I can smell that!"
My mom could always smell something burning, man.
I spent half my childhood feeling the walls for hot spots.
Nine times out of ten it was my father.
See, like a lot of smokers,
his favorite cigarette of the day was that one right after dinner.
You know.
During his nap.
Fun watch him to wake up though.
"Oh god!"
"Drop and roll, dad!"
I just worry too much, though, I don't know.
Maybe there is nothing to worry about, maybe...
maybe, there is no actual place called hell.
Maybe hell is...
having to listen to your grandparents breath through their nose
when they're eating a sandwich.
Get that humming thing.
It's not a meal, it's a struggle for life itself.
"I think, I'll make another one!"
"Noooo!
No...
We'll be good."
Here's a scary concept though.
Getting old...
you can't do that.
You gotta kiss that stuff goodbye, man.
I just wanna keep challenging myself, you know.
I don't wanna become the reminiscing guy,
you know, people run into at bars and stuff.
Can always tell how boring their life is
by how far back they have to reach for glory.
They're like,
"Remember...
remember, how fast I used to be...
when I was a sperm!
I'll never forget the day of the big race.
There were millions of us in the field.
But I beat them all
to fertilize that egg, mister.
Back in the cervix
I was semen first class."
Don't wanna be like that.
See, for me,
for me, Jimmy Stewart is the kind of guy that I'd love to be.
It's very difficult to be that though. You know?
I mean, he is just kinda up here somewhere.
And I just want...
I love him, man. It's a great example
of somebody who's had an incredibly productive life.
Seems like no matter what happens,
no matter how bad things get,
Jimmy Stewart can look at it in a positive way.
"Well, I guess we gonna have ourselves a nuclear holocaust.
Oh, hey, everybody, come on over the window!
Look at that mushroom cloud.
Isn't it beautiful?
And... and the amazing thing to me is that-that something so...
magnificent,
colorful could just...
melt your face right off."
That's positive energy.
You know?
You gotta look death right in the face.
That's what Jimmy Stewart would do.
"Hi, mister Death, you look like you could use some soup."
I'd wanna be like that, man.
Maybe I will be.
Maybe someday after I'm finished singing the gospel
I'll go even further and become
a real holy man.
And I'm not talking about the kind of holy men you see on TV,
those TV evangelists. They are not holy men.
They are just ambitious.
I saw one guy who was so ambitious,
he actually became jealous of the Lord.
You could tell, it came out, half way through the ceremony he said,
"When I was a child,
I wanted to be the savior of the world.
Then they told me that Jesus was the Son of God and I realize
it's all who you know."
Very petty, petty people. You know?
Can't be like that, if you wanna be a holy man.
And you gotta be sure of yourself, too,
when you make a decision, you cannot waver in any way,
you gotta stick with it.
You'd never see Gandhi
during a hunger strike
sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of the night.
"Gandhi?
What are you doing down here?"
"Um,
I thought I heard a prowler...
and I was going to hit him over the head
with this giant bowl of potato salad."
He would never put himself in that position. You know?
And you gotta control your temper constantly, you know.
You cannot fly off the handle at any moment.
You gotta be right in the center.
Jesus was very composed his whole live and right up to the end.
If that was me, I'd be up there going,
"Great! Just beautiful!
You guys are gonna get it.
Wait till my father hears about it."
That'd be a whole different book, man.
Then there are those weird impulses we get constantly. You know?
We have to fight them off every days of our lives.
Those mad little... impulses we get.
And everybody gets them, too.
Like you'd be with a friend.
Could be your best friend in a whole world,
standing about two feet away, talking to you.
You are thinking,
"My goodness.
I could just fire out and hit him right now.
He would never expect it."
See, madness is never that far away!
It's as close as saying yes to the wrong impulse.
But people who stay sane are the people who can make those quick decisions.
"Should I stick my finger into the fan...
or leave the room right now?"
"Should I run the blade of this razor across my tongue...
or just finish shaving and move away from the sink?"
Come on, you're right there!
But you don't, because luckily
most of us have that little voice inside our head, that says,
"Turning the car in the oncoming traffic
is counterproductive!"
Imagine if we didn't have that voice, man.
I wouldn't even be here right now.
I'd be in the shark tank at Sea World.
"He's got my legs, he's got my legs!"
We'd be apologizing till the end of time.
"Hi, how are you?
Sorry, man."
You, guys, enjoying the show?
Wow, excuse me, jeez!
Sorry about that,
just came into my head and I made a decision. I don't know.
It's a...
I hate to turn my back on the audience, I really do.
I think, nine out of ten of the worst impulses we get, though,
are when we are behind the wheel of a car. You know?
That's why I don't think it's a good idea
to carry a gun
in the glove compartment!
'Cause chances are, if it's there,
sooner or later you gonna use it.
Of course, then again, what are you gonna do,
if somebody cuts you off in the freeway.
Just let them go?!
You pretty much have to shoot them, you know.
Otherwise they won't learn nothing.
Or...
say, all of a sudden you have to go on a real killing spree
and all you have is a knife.
Well, after the couple of people your arm is aching.
You have to switch hands
and you look like a girl.
"Stop laughing and die!"
Who needs that kind of aggravation, man?
When there are automatic weapons on sale!
That's why a lot of my friends are taking martial arts classes and stuff like that.
Which I think is a really good idea.
Anybody in the martial arts here?
Come on!
Right now, baby!
Try and penetrate my crab's hands!
"He's a crustacean!
Somebody get some boiling water!"
I think, that's a good idea to know how to defend yourself, though.
I really do.
I just wish the people who took martial arts
would master the technique before they go around showing it off.
Because it's really annoying when they come up to you and go,
"Hey, man.
I just learned this incredible new move in karate today.
But you gotta come at me like this."
Jeez, is there anything I can do to make it easier for ya?
Maybe I can put my head under the back wheel of your car?!
"Hey! I'm a mugger!
Kick me in the groin and I pop my eyes out!"
That's how it goes down in the street.
That's how it goes down, man.
"Give me you money!"
"No!"
"All right, then I'm gonna have to stab ya.
With my right hand in a lunging fashion.
Try to keep your weight on a back leg."
What world is this! What wonderful world!
"Gee, he does it all!"
Of course I don't think
we'd need any of this stuff if we'd just communicate to each other.
Of course, if you wanted to do that,
you'd have to find some kinda language that everyone understood.
Myself, I think that's music.
I happen to love it.
"How am I Supposed to Live Without You" (Michael Bolton)
"What happened to him?"
"I don't know, he tried to sing like Michael Bolton,
something just popped in his head."
That guy tries really hard, doesn't he?
No, he puts a lot into a song, come on!
He is 99% effort, that man.
God, I'd hate to...
I'd hate to go to one of his concerts.
By the end of it he'd have a big bubble on his head.
They want an encore, cut me!
I love the way he sings, I'm just afraid for him, that's all.
Oh, we should open up the parameters,
of the music we listen to, you know?
It really bothers me that the people in this country
don't know about the incredible pop music
coming out of the Middle East right now.
I like to be the one who bring it to the West.
Come on, clap your hands, I'll do it myself.
We don't get to listen to that, do we.
What's going on, man?
It's all about payola, isn't it?
We should try to put ourselves in their shoes.
For a change.
Wake up in the morning.
Pick the sand out of your teeth.
Turn on that radio dial.
"That was 'Hatiba' by Cool Abdul.
Coming up next Libya rap.
DJ Jazzy Mahakhnubar.
And a fresh Rafsanjani.
But first,
a word from our hostage."
"They mean business!
Send more guns!"
Communication.
Hardest thing in the world.
You know, I can look at you, guys, I can communicate to you all night,
but one on one...
I'm terrible.
Just the certain things about communicating that really bother me.
You know?
Like whenever I meet somebody new, I say,
"Hi! How are you?"
Most of the time people hear that, they'll say something like,
"Good, and yourself?"
"I'm fine, thank you very much!"
But sometimes they like to surprise you.
"I've got no dream, man.
I'm all dead inside!"
"I'm sorry, wrong answer, but thank you for playing!"
Man, if I'm worried about something, I don't even leave my house anymore.
Because I know, there is five people waiting out there somewhere
just to ask me that question.
"Hey, Jim!
How are you?"
And I go, "Really good.
Please, look away.
Danger! Danger! Danger!"
I should change the response or something, you know?
"How am I? Jee, I don't know.
Let me check.
I'd like to do a few more tests..."
Thank you.
The weird thing is, though, we've gotten so used to hearing this
"hi, how are you",
that if somebody doesn't say it,
we answer it anyway.
"Hi, Bob!"
"Good, and you?"
And the conversation goes nowhere.
Because all you can here is that voice in your head going,
"He thinks you're an idiot.
He's gonna tell everyone.
Kill him!
Kill hiiim!"
And you have to make one of those decisions again, you know.
See, I think, body language is the communication of the future.
For instance, if you're staying like this,
it means, "Hey, girls!
I'm single
and I have a curvature of the spine!"
You gotta put it out there, you know.
And guys, seriously, the walk is everything.
The walk is the most important element.
If you wanna whole room full of ladies to know what you want
without them getting a wrong idea,
walk into a singles bar like this.
See, this puts out a definite message, you know.
It says, "Listen!
Listen, I could care less, but...
my crotch would like to buy you a beer."
You gotta do something like that, you know.
Believe me,
these days women have heard every line there is to say.
Guys, you gotta get in there with something visual
and distract them.
"Hey, baby!
Come here for a second.
Yeah, you, come on over here.
Listen, uh...
Listen, do you...
do you find it unusually windy today?"
Thank you very much, you guys have been great!
I had a wonderful time, thank you!
Transcribed by Odinokov [ http://odinokov.org ]
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