I'm tired I'm cold I don't know what's happening to me good
morning vlog oh I'm so tired usually when I'm no matter how tired I am I can
like yep peel myself out of bed and like be awake
but today is not that day today I will - it's almost noon ish and I've already
helped dad take the car to the shop sit because we had to have another car and
then we went to school and dropped off my refund papers and whatever and like I
don't know celerity was drawled withdrew the drop what's right withdrew from my
classes I didn't have to fill out this other paper but then they thought I did
then we spent some time in the admissions office and blahdy blahdy blah
and then he went to his treatment and he talked to them yesterday about the
processing of my treatment and it is
insurance has accepted or whatever that's called my admission for the
treatment is they haven't not prosper yeah processed my ID IG papers or
whatever yet for this new doctor but they processed it for the other doctor
and then when I was driving today when I parked at the car place which luckily
like I was only one to parked in that area I forgot to put the car in park
which is becoming a more and more common thing for me like I just forget and then
I try to get out and luckily my car won't turn off with the car and park
like or without it being in park so good job curveball and then I got honked out
on my way home but I don't even know why I got honked at rude and so I wear this
romper a lot and today I eat normally and fine with hang
on I'm trying to unbutton it um I'm normally I'm fine with this remember
and don't have problems with this tag like I don't know why this tag doesn't
bother me because it's kind of soft no it's not soft that's the total lie but
it usually just doesn't bother me and today I can like not get over the
fact that it's touching me so I might change and then eat breakfast lunch dish
breakfast in the NOI at lunch kind of late today and then probably
take a nap I'm really tired I'm so tired I was trying to work on a crocheting
project but I can't grip the needle so then I rubber banded it to my hand and
that still wasn't working and then I drank lunch I'm just really tired but I
don't want to take a nap because then I'm worried that I won't be able to
sleep tonight but I'm tired I'm cold I don't know what's happening to me I
can't remember if I already said this yesterday what so tired but my EMT fees
office called and I don't need to take more antibiotics right now because the
leg nasal swab things they did came back negative so we just gotta wait until the
12th of October for when I go back to have another CT and scope of my nose and
that and then we'll see what happens from there because I thought that that
meant that it's a swap came back negative that oh the fevers and the nose
thing was reciting or it connected but then my dad told me that they could
still be connected and that's why he thinks that I will eventually need sinus
surgery because the stuff is just stuck in my head that sounds really gross but
it's true like it can't come out of my nose and it can't go like down my throat
or anything cuz I don't know and then I don't even know
how that works because food can come out of my nose perfectly fine food seems to
find its way from my mouth to my nose and out very fun much fine but maybe
this stuff is just not get there I don't know and I don't even know if that when
that happens if that travels through your sinuses or if it just travels
through like the part where air travels through but doesn't air go into your
Sciences life questions no I haven't moved I was planning on moving to the
couch or something to film this but that's a long way away that's like a
whole 30 steps no no I'm kidding I'm just tired but okay so it was I think
yeah was yesterday when I filmed the video talking about it was a part of a
video but about like the grief of chronic illness and like that person I
used to be I I've been thinking about this like I don't know if it's healthy
too well it obviously is just gonna happen that grief is like who I used to
be and the plans for that person that I used to be but then I mean I've been
like talking about deleting my like the Instagram that I have all my friends and
family on everything but then I was me is it healthy to like let go if the
person I used to be and like a lot of things that I used to do is that me
because that was a really big part of my life but then there's a lot of pain that
comes with that part of my life there I was in being all that time and a lot of
the time I just didn't say anything about it because I thought like there's
nothing physically wrong causing the pain which there was things wrong it's
just we didn't I didn't know what to like how to describe what was happening
I've been thinking about like is it healthy for me to just side like to it's
not like to end that part really but just like no not like cut ties with that
part of my life because a lot of people that were part of that before life are
part of the life now but that doesn't mean that would be
cutting ties with them it just be like closing down that part of my life a lot
of them memories and things I had because I feel like that's a step in
accepting the new life that I'm living but I've taken great strides and
accepting Who I am now like the body and living in nail as opposed to when this
first started I was like no okay well that was like the four or five years we
were like oh there's nothing wrong but there was there were signs from like the
time that I was born there have been signs that things were just a little off
example as a baby I didn't eat they thought I needed a feeding tube but my
parents were like no we will get this child to eat
Kim ran full circle like 17 16 years later or something that I stopped eating
again but that's beside the point another example I was two or three and I
didn't grow for an entire year like that is not normal for a small child to just
not grow there's been things like that like I dislocated my shoulder when I was
13 like just locate it and couldn't get it
back in so I just like lived with it well I couldn't get it fully back in it
obviously wasn't just like out there but I couldn't get it full of back in the
bruising the bruising to the point where I've I think it was four times when I
was younger that I was questioned for child abuse like where they start asking
you questions about like oh how is your relationship with your family and all
that because they see in the bruises and they're like oh and how'd you get this
bruise I'm like I fell they're like but really how did you get that that kind of
thing that happened four times the reason why I've been thinking a lot
about that like is it healthy to let go of that person who I used to be or is it
not it's because I've like there's this one quote that I heard about I don't
know what exactly but it was something about how suffering is the time
between where you wanted to be and where you are or something like that the
person who you wanted to be in accepting the person you are obviously it's not
healthy to deny the person that I used to be because that person belts me into
belt a lot of the parts of me of Who I am today but at the same time it's
obviously not healthy till I keep chasing that because what's in the past
will never be now but that's for everybody so I'm in this place right now
where I don't know whether I should keep like maybe just somewhere in between is
the best place to be for this whatever I don't even know if this is an example
but like back on my last season our gymnastics and stuff
I was I was no longer competing on my competition team which I went back to
visit well I went back for somebody else's retired her retirement which
sounds only funny cuz they're really on but retirement it'd be a few months ago
now and that dude okay brought up a little bit of like emotions and stuff
that came that it stemmed from things from back then but I ended that I ended
like competitive gymnastics like teams embedded mastics on a like it was a
really good thing that I was ending that time in my life because a lot of like it
was just causing a lot of pain and things and it was a very gradual thing
like at the beginning of summer it kinda known that things probably weren't gonna
keep on and then we are Jim had this thing called work week so the whole gym
is closed and they they like fix everything that's wrong with the gym so
that way just like at the beginning of the summer and so then we took off that
week and then my family we went my family went out of town or something and
so I took off like two weeks at that time and then I came back for like a
very short amount of time and then we went on vacation I think again and then
this is the summer that we went to like New York and everything so then the very
next week after that vacation so I took off like four
weeks right in the middle of the summer and then one day we came back that's
when we decided like that was the end so it was very gradual like I didn't just
go like cold turkey one day I just like when I came back I didn't just like quit
I went back to practice for a little bit and like I was seeing that things
weren't gonna be really working out then that freed up more time for me to try
other things so then I tried cure which was not my thing but I tried it for a
year now I might be going I at least have plans to go back and watch my high
school team which is so after I quit competitive team gymnastics our high
school star gymnastics so I would compete every year for like a month and
a half for them and it was really fun it was like much much less than tents like
we had our routines and like they're just fine routines and stuff like the
varsity team we made up around and then the JV team they did the like compulsory
routines that you do in competitive gymnastics and so I I had I called it my
dragon routine in my tailor select routine I did I would just give the
coaches there because both of them had the same starting pose and so I would
just give them a disc and I feel like surprised me and so some days I would do
my dragon routine which is to the song this is Berk from how to train a dragon
or I would do my welcome to New York my Taylor Swift and like that was really
fun and 7:00 and then like beam it was like my really really cheesy dancing and
like you do like cartwheels and handstands and jumps and turns and stuff
it was like really simple stuff but that I mean I did get to compete out the rest
of the season but I don't know if going back is gonna bring hard emotions to
deal with because after I competed that less than a week later is when things
went bad well things were going bad during that same time and so like we
could just kind of just let me like take it easier in practice because I could
already do my routines like my routines hadn't changed for years a month or so
like right is practice got started things started going like real bad in my
body but I was like I'm gonna stick this out and in less
than a week after our last competition link I went into the hospital for two
days and then we came and they were like I think you're good like we go home and
then I went in for almost a week after that just because things were going so
bad and as people say thrown into the deep end yeah that was that for me and
so I don't know if going back it's gonna cause me to feel like cuz I really want
to go and support them but I'm like scared it's gonna be too hard on me
because last year when we would go back I would always like me and my mom we
would go watch and stuff but at that point I was like mentally not here they
had their last competition the week I came back from the eating hospital thing
and I was like gone like there was nothing going through my head at that
point because I was so emotionally drained from that hospital trip Billie I
couldn't even like process everything but now and then on top of that is it
even safe for me to drive there which I guess I'll deal with that with like when
I decide whether I want to go or not because my we had bigs and littles on my
team that yours at my last year and my little tent she is an AOA junior she's
the same age with my brother yeah they're junior so um she texted me and
was like hey would you want to come and like watch it I was like yeah for sure
and then after I sent that I was like
cuz now I'm like mentally and emotionally processing everything that
is going on in the past two years so that's why I got like really down a few
weeks ago no that was last week last week like my mom called my doctor and my
doctor gave her the crisis line like that's how bad things got and so like I
don't know if I want to do that or not but on a brighter side of things my
parents are getting me and Jess tickets to go to Kelly Clarkson because she's
coming to our city and I'm really excited because a few years ago five
years ago or something I went to Taylor Swift concert and like she wanted the
same concept we didn't go together cuz I went with my
cousins but that was really fun and then like last year jested invited me to go
to Taylor's left with her but I like wasn't in a place where I really like
wanted to go out again and like do things because I'm still nervous about
going the Kelly Clarkson concert because of being around so many people and the
sounds and lights and oh my gosh I'm like I'm gonna take like all my I can't
hear you phones but my zebra earphones just to help muffle the sound a little
bit because I don't know I get like really like overwhelmed by sound really
easily and it's fun worse lately like I can't and then i when that happens I
just like shut down and I'm just like but I'm really excited to go because I
just recently I've been loving Kelly Clarkson Evan listening to music more
since I can't really I wasn't able to like follow books very well and I still
I don't know I don't know if I would be able to follow a book very well right
now but I haven't tried again since I was all compelled it's not like I'm not
compelled now so I would say hopefully I do something with my family too but I
probably won't and so today's vlog has pretty much been me thing on my to
zebras here's my pal that zoo saw was left at the hospital
I haven't done this of you look hot see I look hot see like I drew the Melton
and Buddy and she's going right Patsy
such a nut oh wait I'm sure everybody your one trick
kamikaze lusk ready Bonnie hey Bing Hey I didn't even say things before you got
up okay clear let's see Bing Bing oh we almost broke
Marty pal well I haven't taken a shower you have I can i vlog good night mom
say good night nothing see what the look say bye nope no interest okay bye was it
out let them is it out nothing
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