to be an agent of influence is to be
someone who was receiving from God on a
daily basis because you won't take the
risk if your happiness your sense of
security your sense of well-being
depends on what your husband thinks
about you at any given moment I would
say his desire is for the the woman to
become God centered first so that she
could really be an agent of his love
toward her husband
welcome to the focus on the family
broadcast helping families thrive hey we
did mention last time went into some
depth this idea of changing your husband
versus influencing your husband give us
just a quick recap so we can reset with
new listeners today what that concepts
about I believe the difference is that
when you think about changing your
husband you're only gonna be happy
based on something he does influence
focuses on what you do
partnering with God to be a positive
influence to be a nurturing influence
and by example calling your husband to
become the man that God created him to
be as a husband as a father as a son as
a friend as a worker in God's kingdom in
fact Gary there's so much great content
in your book loving him well I didn't
get to this last time and I wanted to
it's a quote I hate quoting back to the
author of a book but let me do it on
page 36 you said this what if your
husband's faults are God's tools to
shape you what if the very thing that
most bugs you about your spouse
constitutes God's plan to teach you
something new Oh seriously Gary that is
so stinking convicting you had to come
up with that huh well and it goes beyond
marriage to how God can give you the
perfect kid that knows exactly what
button to push and in law or somebody at
work and and the main thing is learning
again I can't change those around me but
I can be changed by interacting with
those around me now I do think there are
destructive relationships that I need to
walk away from but often the ones that
most frustrate me point out one of my
own weaknesses because I'm contributing
to the problem and I want to be stronger
I want to be wiser I want to be a
redemptive influence but I look at
relationships are like practicing none
of us have arrived none of us are
completely mature none of us are
completely christ-like and so when we
interacting with a difficult person some
with our spouse saying okay I'll give
myself a b-minus there but here's what I
did I think next time I can get a B+ and
so you're just looking at that God
is growing you as you learn to deal with
your spouse and those around it's such a
great lens to view it through it takes
you out of bitterness which is not
healthy and it puts you in a different
position it's okay what is the Lord
teaching me in this tough moment in fact
again you mentioned a scripture that you
know we breeze through and you have
captured it to say no focus the light on
this it's James 3:2 where it says we all
stumble in many ways and you mentioned
the book how that kind of revolutionized
how you thought about this why how did
it revolutionize your thinking I have
probably talked about that verse 40
hours of my lifetime if I were to add up
all the marriage seminars and the books
I've put that in it's been in every
marriage book and in blog posts and
whatnot and it's still I forget everyone
will stumble in many ways it says all of
us stumble in many ways there's no
exception nobody gets to Mary the fourth
member of the Trinity that person
doesn't exist and we know that
intellectually but sometimes in our
hearts we resent it we say okay Lord I
know my spouse has to stumble why does
he have to stumble in that way or why
can't she stumble in this way and so we
think how much easier it would be and
and I just point out to somebody you
know what if you married someone else
they may not stumble in this way but
they're gonna find another way to
stumble because the Bible says we all
stumble in many ways one thing that
Bible says so clear there's only one
hero in Scripture and that's Jesus I
mean every major character David he
wouldn't qualify as an elder in any
Baptist Church that I know of when
people read his history and it is true
and Moses I mean every one of them Peter
and every one of them has these things
that just make us cringe and God is bold
enough to say he's still a man after my
own heart
yeah and I would say two wives can you
look at a man who stumbles as David
stumbled and have God's heart to say man
he blew it here he blew it there he
stumbles here he's still a man that has
my heart
that's that's the tough thing but that's
the supernatural grace of God we need to
realize that we need to receive that
grace some more that I know how God
gives me grace I can give grace to
others if I haven't got it that I live
by grace that I make myself the hero God
loves me because I don't do that
God accepts me because I've learned not
to do that then I ask the same of other
people but when I accept that Jesus is
the only hero and the Bible Jesus only
hero today I've received grace I'm just
so much more likely to give grace and
Jim I know people what people expect to
pass her to say but for me I can't love
my wife and others well if I'm not
spending time at the beginning of the
day receiving affirmation from God and
that really does point us toward the
disciplines that allow us to do that and
one of the things you encourage women to
do is to form their heart towards their
husband's through prayer now that can be
hard to do when you're feeling this
emotional separation when you're feeling
and tagging antagonistic toward your
husband I mean really how do I pray for
a guy I really don't like I know I got
to love them but I don't like him right
now so speak through that how that is so
fundamentally important that you have a
time of prayer for your husband just you
it doesn't have to be with your husband
yeah
probably better if he's not there but
speak to that discipline and what is
gained through prayer for your husband
first let me talk about the danger of
prayer if you go into prayer with a list
of your husband's weaknesses and spend
20 minutes ringing God about how this
has to change and he's making you
miserable you're gonna come out of that
prayer sick in your heart toward your
husband it doesn't really help and I'm
never I'm always mindful when I'm
talking to God about my wife I'm talking
about his daughter I've never forgot I
have two daughters so powerful to thing
and it's just like okay god I'm talking
about your daughter and I know you love
her and know you get it but it just
changes my attitude
takes changed my approach now on the
positive end let me use an analogy for
my wife one of her favorite things to do
Saturday morning she goes to this huge
farmers market six dollars for a dozen
eggs but they're happy chickens right
and they have videos that show that they
live happy lives so so every Friday
night I have to go to the ATM machine
and and get cash because I walk behind
her carrying the food and chilling out
but but she takes great joy oh here's
some grains
here's good healthy meats and and and
here's some I mean she just loves
gathering all these things because it's
what she's gonna serve everybody that
comes to her house and me and her for
the next week and if we viewed prayer as
going to the farmers market hmm Lord
remind me of the strengths that my
spouse has that I've forgotten and so
before I pray for my wife I listen to
God about my wife remind me you know the
grace that you've shown her remind me of
the evidences of your work in her life
and I'm just sort of like gathering
things and then remind me of why life is
difficult for her right now help me see
the challenges she faces so I'm going to
God not just to change her but to
understand her give me the supernatural
understanding of why my wife's life is
difficult why my wife might be dealing
with this why my wife might be facing
this and so then I'm trying to gain
God's affection for my wife I'm trying
to gain understanding of my wife and
then I can go okay how do I help
influence her and affirm her in a
positive way and usually what it means
is I've never had God say so these are
the five things she needs to change
it's usually one thing where God says
why don't you help her grow in this but
you're supporting her to move in this
direction honey I want to I think you've
got so much stress in this area what if
I do this so that you can have that and
so I come to her as one who wants to
help her and nurture her not with the
list of five things that she's failing
me she's failing god she's failing her
kids and why don't you just retire
I mean you'd never say that last word
but that's what she hears Gary I'm a
really am intrigued by the what you're
saying right there and I'm thinking that
for men so much of our life is tied up
in work yeah and there are probably a
lot of wives who don't hear much about
their husband's work there's a whole
part of their life that is kind of
hidden
how can she enter into that as she prays
and then just day-to-day get to know
that aspect of his life when I was doing
research for this book so many of the
most common disagreements between
husbands and wife aren't disagreements
between Jill and Peter or Shanice and
Antoine they're disagreements between
the male brain and the female brain yeah
for a male to talk about his
frustrations neurologically it's painful
it's like it's not even like a deep
tissue massage I mean it's like a
painful chiropractic thing where a
doctor is wrenching something and it
hurts for the female brain for whatever
reason talking about it receiving
empathy is soothing and healing and she
feels better now just because something
hurts me doesn't mean I shouldn't do it
my wife wants to be a part of my world
and I have to open it up but it helps
her give me a little bit of grace when
do we do it is it best at the end of the
day maybe on the weekend maybe on
vacation you're trying to figure out
things or maybe in a certain environment
where you can create it but just just
have some empathy that it's great that
you want to be in his world but if a guy
feels grilled it is painful for him
neurologically to share with you it
doesn't mean that he doesn't love you it
doesn't mean doesn't want you in his
world he might just be reacting against
the pain I I flinch if somebody's making
me hurt even if I don't want to flinch
Gary I want to kind of keep going a
little deeper in this brain chemistry
area because God's created us and it's
in that context sometimes we put at War
science and biblical truth over time
science continues to prove in this
material world that the scripture is
accurate but it is it's this weird thing
that the Lord decided okay to make you a
little more selfless
I'm gonna give you two different ways of
approaching a problem and it drives us
crazy right right here's the thing I
would say and I hope women will take
that I'm gonna try to say this in this
gentle way as I can
God knows I've people said in most of my
books sacred marriage I'm harder on men
than I am on women or whatnot but this
is one area where I feel like sometimes
women are disappointed with their
husbands for being men I said you
married a man and God made a man in a
certain way and this whole notion of
nature and nurture modern neuroscience
has blown it apart one researcher has
talked about how between the third and
six month of an unborn baby's life
hormones begin to shape the tiny brain
long before it's nurtured that male
brain is being hit with testosterone in
a way the female brain isn't and you hit
on one that mr. fixit mentality where
men and women just think differently now
we men need to learn how to respond to
our wife's pain in a way that it's more
nurturing but I do think wives need to
understand what's going on because
they're looking at their husbands as
uncaring when in fact their husband's
thinking there they are caring let me
explain this one of the most common
frustrations of women in marriage is
that they'll share a problem and the
husband immediately says here's how we
fix it and that's not what she wants
because in her brain she expresses
empathy by marrying a person's distress
and concern because she clicks toward
what they call the MNS form of emotional
processing what that is is that she
shows concern by mirroring it back I
hear you I understand even facial issues
yes I mean everything within her that's
how her brain is registered to express
empathy a child with a boo-boo oh you
got a boo-boo I can see jeans face the
male brain expresses empathy by a
process that scientists call cognitive
empathy which means we're motivated to
stop the problem we want to stop what's
causing your pain and to stop what's
causing the pain we don't have time to
show empathy right okay you
giving me the information I know I'm
gonna go shoot you I'm gonna stop it now
that's not what most wives want but I
say that's where you go to your
girlfriends and your sister and your mom
or even your daughter to get that but
your husband is expressing concern by
trying to fix the problem now for the
men listening here's what I found to
deal with this divide I've learned
because this is what expresses concern
to my wife when she expresses something
that's really bothering her that's not
the moment for me to fix it that's the
moment for me to say man I'm sorry and
to draw her out and then that oh yeah I
see that and and to be curious she feels
loved when I show empathy and more
curiosity not stop talking it's usually
tell me more but then I come back later
in the day at least two hours I've been
thinking about this I've been praying
about it what if we did this then she
just seems more willing to receive it
because she felt heard but what I want
wives to hear is this because I know a
lot of wise sometimes you feel this with
your sons yeah you have an adolescent
son and he's hurting and you want to
smother him you want to hug him or kiss
him and he pushes you away and you know
how that hurts because you're thinking I
want to show you I care and he won't let
you care why doesn't he love me yeah
that's how she interprets it why doesn't
he love me that's exactly how your
husband feels when he's trying to stop
your pain and you resent him for it he
feels like he's giving you a hug it's
his neurological form of a hug and
you're rejecting it you don't want your
husband to feel bad for wanting to show
empathy he is showing empathy he's just
showing it in a different way so for the
men listening let's learn to show
empathy and curiosity and for the women
listening but don't discount the male
version of showing empathy if we would
just understand the way our brains work
instead of resenting each other we can
work toward each other God made us as
complements I'm glad the world has both
forms of brain we want the people who
say I really care that you're hurting
but I'm thankful for the people that
says
yeah but I can fix that right you know
the one where you've got going right now
and she's coaching me on this it's my
ability to finish her sentence I'm
fixing the end of her sentence because
she'll say you know the other day would
and she'll go into a story and then
she'll struggle for that word I'll say
to do this to do that and she finally
said let me finish my sentence it is a
struggle for me that's my fix-it
mentality let me just move it faster let
me move it away we are so similar I'm
thinking one of the scripts I have
running these days is just be quiet
don't ask anything just let her process
because Dena likes to just throw it all
out there and talk and I get lost
sometimes in it has been helpful for her
to know that if you'll just shorten
things up or let me let me just pare it
back to you what I think you're saying
it's so much more beneficial to the both
of us but it's it's not it's hard work
on both parties to understand that's how
he's wired that's how she's wired yeah
and to respect God's design that we just
the natural human tendency is if
somebody's different we think they're
worse we look down on the different
because men are different than women
women fault men for being different when
you think about it put it in a medical
procedure if you're going in for a
medical procedure you want one person
with great bedside manners boy this must
be painful yeah we're gonna be there
everything's gonna be okay don't worry
but when it comes to the surgeon I don't
care if he or she even talks to me my
son had surgery with this brilliant
surgeon it was this asian woman he had
to have his hand worked on she goes
here's my first thing if this works this
is what I want to do if that doesn't
work I'm gonna do this and here's the
third thing but this is the first I
thought man I'm so glad she's working on
my son and she got a done I just want
confidence I want somebody to fix his
hand after he's done he wants somebody
to say can I get you ice how are you
feeling you know patting him on the
shoulder I'm glad there are both kinds
of people in the world and so marriage
is about that men are different than
women and that's by God's design and
Gary you said this but we sometimes it's
a I don't mean this disrespectfully but
it can be a bit of a throwaway comment
that of course men need to
learn to listen to their wives but what
does that look like practically for us
how do we how do we stop trying to fix
it
and how do we lean in and and really do
that what's the what's the teaching for
us here look I feel like a bit of a
hypocrite because we're I'm three
decades so for three decades into my
marriage and I'm still really trying to
learn it I think I'm getting a little
bit better but for me I have to learn
not to go with my natural reaction when
you get the urge is back yeah okay this
isn't the time to solve it I'm going to
try to if somebody's bothering or
something's happening but its first okay
but I found Jim that helps me is tell me
more and so I've just found from my wife
to feel cherish I want to be curious I
want to draw out instead of give me the
Reader's Digest version which never
makes her feel loved the conversations
over at that point right right instead
of giving me the Reader's Digest version
I want to make time for the amplified
version so I can really hear if I ask
more questions and but but even then I
had to learn now why does that hurt you
I think I'm being curious and she thinks
that's a challenge so it's really
learning to read your wife and just say
lord help me with my words to show her
that I really care about this hey Gary
before we say goodbye
we've talked about the importance of
prayer for your husband making sure that
you're rooted in God's Word let's end
with a scripture for that wife who is
struggling what can she hold on to today
to begin her journey with her husband
and loving him in a different way it's a
familiar verse Jim but I think it will
change the way we look at our marriage
Philippians 4:19 says my God will meet
all your needs according to the riches
of his glory in Christ Jesus my God will
meet all your needs according to the
riches of his glory in Christ Jesus we
go to God first to receive we go to our
spouse primarily to give that doesn't
mean there aren't legitimate things we
want to receive from our husband but it
starts with receiving first from God
Gary great to have you with us
your focus thank you thank you hey I'm
John fuller and thanks for watching get
more info about focus over here and more
from our guests over there and be sure
to subscribe to our channel as well
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