she needs that yeah affirmation yeah and I will not let go until she makes me let
go because I want her to know of my affirmation in my physical connection
with her that's real and it's loving and appropriate yes and it is so important
welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive well
welcome back to the program let's start here let's start with a recap what is
going on in a teenager's brain you compare it to scaffolding which is
polite so what is happening there what's going on
well it's interesting for seventeen years I worked with you they did
parenting seminars and and obviously I knew it'll be different when I am a
parent of a teen myself I always knew that so when we started entering into
those years of having our own teenage girls we began to do research and what
we found was just mind-boggling I mean it literally changed everything it was a
game changer and so what we discovered and for years we would just say okay
yeah raging hormones testosterone all of this is happening and it's going to
create this erratic behavior in your team well what we discovered through
researching neuroscience is that there is a whole pruning that's happening
neurologically in an adolescents brain and this this pruning which is what it's
called this arborization there's this pruning back and there's a
specialization that's happening in the brain and as this process takes place it
literally creates chaos so what's fascinating is have you ever had a house
remodel of some sort your kitchen and it's it's a mess it's there's starts and
stops sometimes that electricity is on sometimes you have to turn it off
sometimes you have the plumbing sometimes it's it's off the same can be
true in an adolescent as their brains are being rewired and and specialized
and so the research that we found literally is changing how we parent our
teens every single day because what we know and what we discovered impacts not
only how they behave but how we parent and so that's what we're excited about
in this resource because it's not just something that we're trying to put out
there and saying hey we figured all this out we have chapter after
we're saying try this today based on this physical reality based on what's
happening we can have greater compassion greater understanding and we can parent
better based on this information well let's get into some of those examples
where you can help your teen through some of those changes what are those I
guess what are those symptoms and then how can a parent recognize that and what
are the triggers for us as parents to do it differently those are great questions
Jim I think it's helpful to use the metaphor of a remodeling as we look at
each of these individual examples because it kind of encourages us to put
the proverbial hard hat on because if you're in a construction zone you know
there may be some nails exposed or some wires that are not put together and so
it allows you to just step back look at things and D personalize them for
instance when your teenager says just leave me alone
think okay I got to put my hard hat on here rather than retaliate when your
teenager says why are you looking at me like that understanding that their
ability to evaluate facial expressions is radically different than that of an
adult helps you to just again take a moment to breathe and think how can I
change my behavior we can't control our teens I know we all want to and
especially ladies I'll just say it to you because I'm a recovering control
freak as a woman we cannot control anyone but ourselves and so as we under
the power of the Holy Spirit are transformed our teens are then able to
see in us that change and they are given the chance to change as well speak
specifically though to be on-site ask lists and respect which we pulled out of
the book don't minimize empathize recognize the loss elaborate on those
because these are the tools that the listeners particularly you mom really
needs one of the things that was really impactful for me was reading that I as a
dad needed to mourn the loss of that toddler yeah so I I had such great times
with my toddlers and it was it was so rewarding so engaging
they're so tender at that time and there's so much reciprocation like you
love them they love you they kiss you you have you throw them in the air and
all of that and for me to recognize as they were they were changing they were
starting to push back they were starting to get aggressive they were starting to
challenge me which just I didn't I wasn't ready for it
I had to mourn the loss of those little princesses and it was challenging I
could say I'm not still completely over it it's it's still hard what's so cool
though is neurobiologically speaking those girls come back they just come
back stronger and different so it's kind of like a tulip you know in the winter
the bulb goes down into the ground and you don't see it and you feel like is
ever gonna flower again and then come the right time there's this reblooming
and it's a beautiful beautiful thing even for the guys out there I mean we
may not want to hear their blossoming butt but it's true I mean if we're using
this analogy of the tulip because it's not that they're gone forever it's just
so hard when it's underground well and again one of the things you speak to is
this idea of ask listen and respect when it comes to teenagers that can be hard
because there's so much going on there the dynamic and we're not prepared as
the construction metaphor we want them to act and behave like we do because we
see them as bigger more mature capable they've got a pretty strong vocabulary
but you've got to remember it's still under construction right so how do you
stop and listen and do all the right things when sometimes with the boys at
least I'm hearing good right we have to stop assuming that we know exactly
what's going on inside of them we assume we make assumptions we assess what's
going on and we jump to conclusions based on our own expectations and
experiences from our past are just even our upbringing and so when we are
interacting with our teens we can jump to the conclusions and we're already
prescribing we're making statements we're correcting we feel like we have to
correct right we're always correcting and adjusting
their behavior and if we're not careful we're just seen as somebody that our
teens want to avoid because we are always prescribing for
them what they have to do differently what they're doing wrong and it could
come across in fact there's research that shows that if we're not careful we
could just sound like the siren that's always going off that's yelling there
they're receiving what we're saying as this we're completely upset with them
and we don't like them yeah well that's so true but let me ask you
the trigger there I'm sure a lot of moms and dads are going ok that that's true
but you know the behavior is requiring interjection on my part maybe it's 20
times a day I don't know so it does sound like a siren so what what is as a
parent is a trigger to say okay step back breath what's so great is you have
at your disposal a wonderful tool and that is the question asking that's why
when you said ask listen and respect in that order because the asking it
stimulates the area of the brain that is least mature in a teenager which is
called the prefrontal cortex now a lot of people have heard nowadays that a
teens brain doesn't mature fully tell the 20s and they've heard about this
prefrontal cortex but they haven't heard that in order to help it mature they can
ask questions asking a question forces the prefrontal cortex to engage think
about how Jesus modeled this on earth he was always asking people crazy questions
man has been like paralyzed for 38 years and he says do you want to be well yeah
you know but we we skip two statements and so we are in the book always
bringing back to whenever you can ask a question rather than make a statement
tell me more about that you know you're teenagers ranting and they expect you to
say stop that instead you say tell me more about it or why do you think that
that occurred or what is in your opinion the best solution they are expecting you
to give them the solution so you asking them to engage their prefrontal cortex
it's like the ace in your hand it really is hard yes it really is key the
question asking I'm smiling ear-to-ear because it's just
like the Son of God he knows how we're created okay
I'll be there and I'm gonna ask a lot of questions cuz their frontal cortex
really needs to do even though is for 30 and 40 year olds I think that's a great
picture in your book you list 26 of the most common scenarios and expressions
that teens use one of them caught my attention again practice I've got boys
which is that could be epic and I think that comes from somebody's life
experience between the two of you or maybe both of you but what is the story
around that could be epic well what we discovered is that in adolescents in the
print brain development there's this hyper rational thinking and so a young
person they can assess danger and they even know I mean we don't want to write
them off and just say hey they're being dumb
their brains are wired in such a way that they can assess danger and they can
basically over estimate in fact they would choose to overestimate the fact
that this could actually be amazing like this who cares I might I might kill
myself but it outweighs that it might turn out to be incredibly epic
so you know I look back and I see my own life and I remember some guys from the
high school football team showed up to this place where I rode motorcycles all
the time and he's like hey can you take that jump over there and I remember
taking off I'm like yeah wait right there
I moved up like it's so relate to this I opened up my Yamaha 125 six sixth gear
wide open and I hit this huge jump and I I remember being completely way over
these guys were there looking back and watching me and almost like an unbelief
and I didn't even think about it until as I was starting to descend and I was
thinking oh I could die and and I bounced off the ground a few times and
luckily I didn't die you stayed on the I
stayed on the bike epic so I think back to those times and I think these are the
kinds of decisions our teens are faced with all the time peer pressure does
impact them and when around other teens there's this hyper
rational thinking that happens and that they do assess and it's important for us
as parents to continue to ask them to think about and to evaluate the
consequences because as we ask the questions they're thinking but when
they're around a lot of other adolescents this hyper rational thinking
can get out of control and even though they know that there can be some serious
negatives they assess it but they'd rather try to be epic let me go this
direction and I think gene particularly my wife has done a great job with with
the boys with developing those friendships that are important speak to
the importance of good friendships how involved should parents be when it comes
to their kids friendships I mean that that is such a fine line and can create
such tension in the the teen parent relationship again it's so great how God
has written his truth into our bodies so let me just talk about the biology
that's happening with friendship because I think this is very helpful God
designed us in the adolescent years to develop our social brain it's being
remodeled just like every other portion of the brain and during this remodel
what happens is that teens sensitivity to peers increases this is something we
can see neurochemically it's really exciting for them and terrifying for us
because as parents we see them sometimes gravitating to people that we are not
excited about them hanging out with even the people that we are excited about
them hanging out with I know you mentioned before the broadcast started
about your wife having a Bible study for your son's they've they've tracked and
tracked with one another for all these years but it's also a grief to see them
want to spend more time even if we love these people when they are - to us so it
was very helpful for me to understand that God designed their brain to move
away from us so that they can ultimately prepare to have their own life and
families that is tough for us to swallow but so important so just like in every
other chapter we break things down into what's happening biologically we call
that bio 101 psychologically psych 101 and then spiritually faith 101 in this
chapter we talk about the social brain and then we talk about its
implications because a lot of parents are really afraid of what we'll call
peer pressure but one of the things we discuss in this chapter is that our
teens don't suddenly do things just because someone else is doing them what
is inside a teen is hooked by things are going on outside so it's always a matter
of getting to the heart what do they believe about friendship what are they
seeing in you are you a gossip are you negative are you a lone ranger and don't
develop your friendships I'm not saying that a parent is the sole source of
example that you are a big one so in this time of change for our teenagers we
got evaluate how are we doing on the friendship front I know for you
gentlemen out there sometimes it's easy to kind of go at things on your own but
your teenage sons need to see you develop good friends your sons need to
see you committed to things and ladies we've got to be good friends in order
for our daughters to grow to be good friends
so obviously the chapter is a lot more than this but yeah the teenage
friendship issue is such a key thing God use well and speak directly to the to
the bad relationship so the parent with a bit more life experience obviously
more wisdom can sniff it out I mean you're the dad you've got daughters so I
can't imagine your friend ohmmeter notably high pace to keep their friends
would that be amazing some parents do feel that they should right well I think
there should be involvement and you should know your kids friends and so we
know it's not control right fluence not control apps absolutely and so one of
the things that we try to do is we have their friends over we invite their
friends over we make sure that we are driving them to wherever they need to go
and we're trying to stay involved and invest and we ask those questions to
engage their prefrontal cortex where we're there there's wisdom and there's
discernment and where often time it's lacking so we ask them what kind of
influence is this person having in your life is it a positive one we don't know
everything that's happening but we want to stay involved and we want to invest
and we want to make sure that we're helping
them make wise decisions yeah I would probably X out some of my kids friends
I'd say yeah I don't really care that you're around some of these but these
these kids I don't know how positive they are
here's something that's heartbreaking and I think a lot of the listeners can
identify with this sometimes church can be clicky and as a youth pastor over the
years and now watching my girls try to integrate into friendship groups in
their their high school ministry it's difficult and let's be honest as adults
adult relationships are difficult and so it's something we have to work at it's
something that we have to continue to to cultivate and mature but when it comes
to our kids we want to stay involved and we want to have influence and we want to
ask the questions to make them think and when needed
we'll say no I I am NOT supporting you spending time with this particular
person they still live in our home and we still need to appropriately lay down
boundaries so engage it don't look the other way
and that's really important that influence you're talking about yeah that
you know some people say oh it's a fine line between influence and control but
we have the Holy Spirit he gives us that discernment we don't have to I mean yes
there are there are hard times in that but I'm constantly just asking for
guidance from the spirit moment by moment it's not just to pray in the
morning and then go on your merry way it's like okay she just brought up this
person that I'm very uncomfortable with what what can I engage with on this that
will help her see the reason that I'm uncomfortable you know it's a very well
yeah it's an ongoing all the time kind of it's work environment that's really
you know where the questioning helps but how would you approach that I role play
a bit with this if for example your teen daughter is you know just spending time
with a boy that you feel there's just something concerning you what kind of
questions would you ask yeah well for instance one of our daughters got
involved at her school with a program where there were a lot of older students
and one of the seniors invited her to go drinking our daughter
was a freshman at this time and I was so grateful she told me but of course I'm
freaking out you know and I said well why do you think this young man asked
you to do that that was very composed inside I was like
Pete the question again because we're all lost in our anger go ahead why do
you think he asked you to go with her and she said well I think he thinks
that's what's fun and I said you know you're probably right if you know do you
know if this person knows God you know and and she said I don't think so so
this is a conversation with my 14 year old this actually happened you know and
we just I to stay as calm as possible of course my emotions right on the surface
so I'm not telling you to just be a stone wall but trying to just go step by
step and finally she came to the conclusion you know what I want to do I
want to start praying for him and I was like thank you lord I mean I'm sure not
every and please don't misunderstand me listeners you know we're not in the
situation where our kids are just Saints and we're you know everything's going
right we can certainly share our struggles and heartaches but in that one
moment it was like thank you thank you that that one conversation went well and
just trying to hold on to that gratitude for what God enables us it's a great
enabling - you're really teaching her I'm assuming she did not go out with she
did not know I tied her to her bed it's giving her the capability to think
through that's outstanding she's at some point and there's gonna be
people invite her to do that stuff and I'm not gonna be there if she has those
questions stocked away where she's I mean just hoping yeah you know again
this is all in the Lord's hands it's not like you have to be perfect parents you
know that's the thing like but I love the question thank you that's great
well we can get real - I mean it in - that's pretty really there's some
difficult things that aren't going as well and we live in a culture right now
that's really accepting of alternative
lifestyles and there's this culture of just acceptance in and I don't
understand it to the way our adolescents are being literally pulled into and and
almost to a dividing place in homes and and there's some real challenges that
we're facing as parents to engage with and understand even people within the
church that are very open and accepting to levels that I would be uncomfortable
with and we're having to continue to have these conversations and grow
ourselves and that's something that we really at the heart of all of what we've
written is all about growing and going on this journey and not checking out and
challenging ourselves to continue to press in and to trust God and pray like
never before that God would help us gear up for the the conversations that we
need to have so it's a challenge there are some very difficult things that we
are facing that that we're having to go back to the drawing board and pray about
and sometimes we don't handle it right and we say the wrong thing and we have
to keep growing and doing the best we can Sam Sam I really appreciate that
because I think that is so true especially if your kids are in charter
school public school private school even Christian school I mean the the culture
is saturating our children with that kind of open approach to God's design
right yeah is and has a teenager is facing this it's something that 10-15
years ago we didn't even imagine it would be like this but even if you're a
homeschooling parent and you go to Target and you just look at the
advertisements or you go to the check stand and there's all these flashy
images on you know magazines and they're proclaiming lies about gender about our
bodies about our even about how we're to operate just on a daily basis with money
and you know everything is just yelling at us
yep literally yelling and one of the difficulties is we need to know the
theology when God has created us man and woman he
created us in His image and when you marry the two shall become
one flesh we've got to really understand the spiritual connotation of that that
God's very essence is put into us for that purpose so that we can declare the
goodness of God in our physical nature in our sexuality emotionally together
the bond of marriage is so much bigger it's the actual image of God in on this
earth for us to see and to experience and I don't think we do a very good job
expressing that to our teenagers you can understand it and it gives them a
framework as to why male and female is so so important to the spiritual nature
that were created in it's a scary conversation but I'll tell you both
Jeremy and I are our desire is to be a home in which anyone can come and
receive love acceptance and grace right that's difficult sometimes but we have
deliberately opened our home to people that maybe some years ago I never would
have imagined being you know part of it yeah being able to be that Christian
family that says we're not the stereotype
we're not haters we are people who love and we have convictions right that is
such a it's a great model for our teenagers that you can absolutely love
people and you can have convictions and follow Christ wholeheartedly without
being a hater it's it's a great thing for our teenagers to see and we need to
equip them in that way and to believe that no one's beyond the reach of God
which I know the Lord knows so Jeremy and Giroux sixth art to the discussion
but we haven't covered all the material I'd like to cover so let's come back
next time and pick up in some of that dynamic of
the team parent relationship can we do it yes all right hey I'm John fuller and
thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and more from our guests
over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well
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