fun has always been a huge part of our relationship I always say she married me
for two reasons one because I'm brutally handsome the two because I was funny so
one of those is not true so I have to keep the funny thing up and I got to
keep that game down welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families
thrive they welcome ted Nancy to focus on the family well thanks for having us
now in the answer you're not the co-author here so I got to ask you is it
as easy as Ted makes it out to be
he did he did let me read it as he's going no but he did want to be authentic
and I said yes this is true and this is these are things we've really actually
done yeah and it's a good thing and I love Ted what you've done here with that
subtitle particularly marriage is easier than you think we do tend to make it
difficult why you know I think we've been convinced that a group of PhDs
which are great have the answers to marriages somehow the average Joe and
Sue have to extract those answers right and I've had many friends their
counselors and psychologists who say you know we've just forgotten a lot of the
basics like being kind and so then working with married couples for a long
time and worked at a church for 10 years and we would have these events once a
quarter and we would just talk about one thing we don't walk away with just one
thing and so we would always do that out of God's Word and the whole night would
be based on that and I kept hearing myself say over and over this may not be
easy necessarily to live out but it is easy to understand you know why would
God make the gospel you know really really complicated and make marriage
complicated God's made the gospel clear and how we love each other is clear
being kind is just it's the self-control and dying to self because sometimes I
don't want to be kind and I don't want to blow that off eyed I want to say
something snarky but I don't because I'm just trying to be kind but there is you
have to make that choice it is and how have we found
the the tool to be able to do that speak to the wife because listening doesn't
mean practically when you're upset your husband and something is irritating you
and he's not aware of it and that makes you even more upset and should know my
goodness why doesn't you know that irritates me and what do you do as a
mechanism to back up and say okay I'm not gonna let my flesh have the victory
here I'm gonna do what the Lord would want me to do I think before we just
used to let it go and it would get ugly and I I think we just got tired of that
to go why it just gets so gross and ugly why are we treating each other like yes
why that's why we let it escalate to that where it is just yuck and so I
think I think we made micro moves back I don't think it was just some big
revelation one day of being a little kinder a little more gentle with our
words and then just watching how we responded to each other and it's just
evolved into I think a general sweetness and kindness most days yeah and that's
somewhat trained for the benefit of the listener let's roll the clock back let's
talk about how you met and how you got married and kind of that background
because many people will connect with your story because you're your if I say
this in the most complimentary way typical you fell in love you were
attracted to each other talk about those days and then getting married and
looking the other way with these things and then eventually the irritations pile
up yeah so we dated for like six weeks right and decided we were gonna get
married and then I moved across the country we were living in Alabama at the
time I moved to California and so we don't tell singles our story a lot
because we don't want them to emulate that you need to decide to get married
after six weeks God works in mysterious ways certainly does and we thought we
were the special couple that we were gonna have no issues whatsoever we kind
of feel sorry for everybody else because they didn't have what we had we had some
older couples going you need to watch out for this this could be a problem
we're late mm-hmm I feel sorry for them that's never gonna
happen right and then we got married and Wow
but we look back and we felt like we were having like these great moments of
Awesome mixed with these moments of awful and I couldn't just I couldn't
figure out how those two things worked out because we would have some great
moments oh absolutely loved hanging out we're really close to the beach it was
great but then we had all these moments we're awful we'd get any silly fights
that you know I always say silly fights can cause serious damage right and so we
were like nisa we just let it go and but let it go not like hey we're not gonna
talk about it like let it go we're just gonna say what we want to say and so I
think what we've learned is is to pull that back but we learned kind of the
hard way God put some great couples in her life to kind of show us the way we
always say we don't have an excuse to have a bad marriage because we've always
been surrounded by great people doing marriage doing marriage well it's so God
allowed us to be exposed to some great stuff it changed us yeah Ted in that
context though you could be surrounded by great people but you don't listen to
them absolutely so how do you keep your heart open to those great words of
wisdom when people say hey watch out you know the thing that was amazing to me is
we had been married about four years and we started traveling with a big ministry
that was doing events in arenas and so they had every marriage guru in the
country up on stage and here we are fighting in the green room a good time I
mean if you could see a video of us in the beginning to now and we're not
perfect but I would wish our marriage on anybody know because we're perfect but
because we thought we've come so far we've just learned some pretty basic
things right that changed everything so that's what we're passionate about it's
going okay because people feel so flooded when their marriage is in
trouble right they feel so flooded and they feel
so confused they feel like it's so complex and a lot of times just these
small simple things can make a huge difference
now Ted mentioned being you know at a speaking event and you're fighting in
the green room that would be one of those graphs moments that it kind of
ugly and then we had to go on stage and be funny and charming
like we liked each other we weren't speaking about mirrors we were doing
scenes of conflict which we were great real because they weren't so much acted
as reality I think I think people connect with that I mean one of the
difficulties we have particularly in Christian leadership is there's other
people on the stage may have been going through the very same things you were
going but they hit it better so why do we do that especially as Christians why
do we try to project perfection when brokenness is what draws people to the
cross I remember one time when Ted was speaking and when he was working at the
church and one of these marriage events and we've always I don't even know if we
had a discussion about it but he's always been transparent and we always
have about just struggles and all and I remember someone came up to me after it
and was like I can't believe you let him tell stuff like that and I've never
heard that why wouldn't I I mean like what it what's the benefit to me or to
anybody else for us to hold our our negative stories to ourselves I mean it
it serves no purpose I feel like especially if you can have you can learn
from them and others around you learn from them I think that's the context in
which they share in the book your best us you mentioned these areas of conflict
in your early marriage you tended to lean on humor did the humor cover things
up or was it an important part of making it better I think I don't think we use
humor to cover up I think we used humor to rescue ourselves sometimes it's a
good thing yeah it was kind of repair Tim's jobs and so we would start
laughing I would make fun of the LAT last fight fun has always been a huge
part of our relationship I always say she married me for two
reasons one because I'm brutally handsome and two because I was funny so
one of those is not true so I have to keep the funny thing up and I got to
keep that going oh and he still tells stories that he's told he still makes
you laugh well since we were first married and
I'll go oh please tell that again how critical is that to have humor in your
relationships I think it's huge I think it's huge
it's it's the joy it's what we had when we were dating that's what drew us
together I mean no one says when they're dating Oh dad I just met the most
amazing girl and she's completely passive aggressive I can't wait to get
together to work that out you know they got together because they loved being
together and having fun so just to continue that because sometimes couples
stop that and so I just I think it's huge it's what brings joy into the day
because you keep it light yeah what about in terms of temperament and
wiring you know what if - and forgive me engineers have senses of humor I get
that but just for illustration sake what if two engineers are married and there's
just not a lot of expressive humor in that relationship well the reason we
call the book your best us it's because I feel like a lot of times as Christian
leaders will paint this picture perfect pedestal couple right and we want
everybody to aspire to be like that and I think that's way more creative than
that I think he's painting different stories every marriage is completely
unique and so we encourage couples don't be a version of someone else just be
your best us that's where they came from you engineers may have engineering humor
like for them that's funny to them it doesn't have to be funny to anybody else
but the two of them but I think the thing is what are you doing to keep joy
in your relationship what are you doing to keep it light are you smiling at each
other like what what are those things you know we can take things so so
seriously we think we have first world problems a lot yeah you know we talk
about all these things being so difficult we're like oh wait a minute
that was total first world problem and then we'll laughing it's key how do we
how do we in our marriages how do we stay away from the complaining trap like
that first world problems you know and you're just complaining to one another
sometimes about each other other times about your circumstances I think that
phrase for us has been the thing that phrase has stopped us in our tracks many
times it's been more helpful for us probably in the complaining space than
anything because it sounds so silly coming out your mouth when you and if
you ever travel outside the country you try to keep those memories in your mind
to go don't say that I'm frustrated because the wireless doesn't work in the
far end of our house right that's that's crazy yeah what are those triggers for
you give us an example in your marriage of complaining nothing to having
teenagers makes you maybe makes you aware of when they complain of how silly
things sound because and it just we say this a lot since we were 17 well even
since we got since we've been married I mean I just think back back in those
early years I've just not being grown-up yet and then maybe it didn't hit till 40
but like to go we've grown up and just what's important what is that silly to
complain about it sure is maybe when we first married we would have complained
about it or got our feelings hurt or made a big deal about it but that's a
line we use a lot alright let's get to it you develop four key habits for
couples who want to experience a strong and healthy marriage everybody just went
okay what are they you get they got their pin and pin your repaper down
they're ready to go all right number one serious fun and we have definitely
touched on that the importance of humor love God first I think fundamentally
this is it and sometimes our experiences become wax our our habits become wax
praying together reading together it's true for Jane and me sometimes we just
go through seasons where we're busy it's a terrible excuse but speak to that
issue of keeping God first and how do you do that one of the things I think is
a little bit of a paradigm shift in terms of what we've been teaching
churches and leaders and couples is a lot of times people see their faith is
impacted with only the two of them are praying together doing devotionals
together for us we feel like if you can along with God by yourself if you become
the best version of who God wants you to be by yourself that you're God makes us
a spouse we can never be on around you know what did Jesus say you know the
love the lord your with all your heart soul body and mind
then love others and I think there's something to be said about the order of
those two things that when I am filled up with you God wants me to be I'm I'm a
spouse that I could never be before I mean the Freeth of the Spirit describe a
pretty great spouse and so we feel like a lot of times couples are trying to get
all these relational needs met from each other you know and what a lot of us are
living in communities of two and so we're trying to get all these needs met
by you know what people used to get met in a village but also only the needs
that God can meet you know there's a classic movie Jerry Maguire where he
says you complete me and I think a lot of people think that that's what
marriage is supposed to be and I think God didn't never design or supposed to
complete us he wants to complete us and that won't fully happen till heaven
yeah and it's well said Nancy from a woman's perspective though those those
needs are there they're real the emotional needs and a lot of husbands
struggle meeting those how do you set your expectations in such a way that Ted
can actually meet those expectations that you have for and you know speak
again to a woman's heart we laugh at our house I am I have far fewer words than
Ted does at home we he's more the talker but I think I've seen this shift of him
of just being careful with my heart hmm that that we were talking this morning
before we came and he that has just been the shift what does it look like for you
what I think the way he responds to me even when I'm doing something that I'm
sure is quite frustrating even the way his facial expressions there's not a
roll of the eye there's not a there's not a shake in the head how do you fight
that desire to win to be right whatever it might be when you could give a little
smug look that proves your point I mean it's so human to do that how do
you how do you overcome that yeah so I grew up in a very demonstrative family
and so people wake they loved each other hard but they are also
fight hard and so it was just everything was pretty dramatic and there was lots
of expressions and I've watched how tender her heart is she is very very
sensitive her mother talks about the fact that she is very very sensitive so
I know that look that she's just that little girl grown up and I have to be so
careful with her how do I fight it I think it's back to spending time with
God I think it's back you know having the Holy Spirit do things that I can't
do out of my flesh because my flesh wants to roll my eyes my flesh goes I'm
right she's wrong right and the Spirit of God in me says you be careful with
her heart because I have entrusted you to her and we have been through some
really hard things where she has just served me so well we've become closer
than I ever dreamed that we could be right and how can I not be careful you
know the Bible doesn't have a lot of verses on marriage but one of us two men
is you know do not be harsh with your wife and she said to me before she goes
I don't like it when you use your work voice don't come home with work voice
and so I've had I've had to learn you know drop that at the door and I've
heard a man say one time his wife said I want you to talk to me like a woman and
not a man and so I think it's just those simple things to go and this is one
we're passion about what we do you can choose not to be harsh any longer with
your wife well you can have those moments absolutely go and apologize
saying I'm working on it but people can choose how they treat each other and
that's the thing because I just get so frustrated I can't help from getting mad
but yet they have great control at work great control with perfect strangers I'm
convinced me a marriage that's in trouble right now if they would treat
each other as well as they do their co-workers with that amount of respect
the way they listen consideration that their marriage would do a 180 and you're
touching on that very next thing which is that love and respect component which
we've done a lot of broadcasts on but I mean that that's true a woman needs to
feel loved and generally and and that man needs to feel respected and your
you're illustrating that what about the power of the wedding vows I mean these
are things we say and often unfortunately we forget that commitment
that we made before the Lord right why are the wedding vows and remembering
them such a critical thing you Solomon reminds us about you be intoxicated by
the wife or your youth we've heard that to go wait a minute you made a promise
to this young lady we married when she was 23 and I was 25 so we were we feel
like now while we were kids but I still promised her in front of her family in
front of her friends that that they could trust me with her forever and not
you know so many people say we've just changed of course you of course you have
I hope you have in this many years but for us we say marriage is not about the
big day it's about the everyday mmm in this country last year we spent seventy
two billion dollars in wedding ceremonies and I've been one year in one
year that average is thirty thousand dollars per ceremony and I broke the
internet because I can't find one stat on what people actually spend on their
marriage and so we say it's not about the big day it's about the every day
it's about what we call micro moves that marriage aren't made up of the grand
gestures they're not made up of great vacations if that were the case you know
celebrities would have incredible marriages they're about these little
moments these micro moments and we say the combined total of micro moves equals
the condition of your marriage I like that it's so true and that's a good
thing for us as married couples to remember and for those that hope to be
married someday these are the right things to concentrate on Ted it seems
that love and respect is one of the most difficult attributes to get down because
we fight so often in an ungodly way or we discuss things in an ungodly way
let's put it that way if you don't fight what is perhaps one of the greatest
lessons we can learn in this area of love and respect right for us we've
created an exercise along with people way smarter than us about to discover
what are we really fighting about because you're really not fighting about
you know that that he got home ten minutes late you're really not fighting
about the role of the eye you're you're you're talking about something deeper
you're talking about wounds you're talking about things that trigger each
other and so one of the things that we've seen with the book that's been the
most helpful is this how do we take this cycle of love and respect when we're
doing it wrong and start doing it right and really just that starts with
discovering here's what I'm really winded here's where our spouse is really
wounded and here's a different way to respond and that for us has been massive
right and that's the feeling Nancy you're saying that Ted really cherishes
or guards your heart yes response and I think it was just an yes and
understanding to go why is she sensitive why is she why is
she responding that way when I yeah didn't really say anything yeah because
their negative response is mine would be to get defensive and hurt would be to
withdraw so the more she would withdraw the more defensive that I would get and
in being defensive I was communicating to her that she didn't measure up and by
her withdrawing she was saying to me that I was defective that was our
woundedness huh because it's deeper than that we brought those wounds into
marriage and we were that for us was so huge that I know that when I get
defensive one I'm never going to win by getting defensive I'm never gonna win a
fight by trying to win but that's when I protect her heart just to go stop just
stop talking dead but in that regard Nancy you had to learn I would think so
don't let me fill in the blanks you fill him in but you had to understand that
and somehow had to communicate that you had to understand that so you wouldn't
in some ways verbally attack him so he would become defensive right and start
the cycle right we were trapped in the car actually these would I like to say
that I am NOT a marriage expert I'm a marriage guinea pig and so this was we
were I was driving we were trapped in the car and he's like I got some
questions for you and that's how it usually starts and so he launches and
he's asking questions and it evolved into this of where's the woundedness and
it was a calm moment if we'd have been in a fight it would have been horrible
but in that calm moment of nothing's on the table we're just talking no
energy no it was just flat it was easy to talk about and then the next time
there was a fight it played into my head of going oh when we were in that calm
moment this is what we were talking about this is and now I'm I'm feeling it
now I'm feeling it living out now what are you gonna do well I get so relate to
that because some things out of your control you can't be responsible for I'm
thinking of kids kids again in that marriage discussion when kids are doing
things you don't want to do and the spouse is saying hey how come you didn't
do this to prevent that behavior you're going I don't think me doing that would
have prevented that behavior because he's his own person sure and he's
responsible to God for that behavior and I'm his dad but you know I can't own him
and you understand that a few times absolutely and I think that
defensiveness it does come up because you don't know what to do and for men
particularly when we can't fix it we're in trouble
because now we feel inadequate we feel like we're not up to the task and we're
in trouble that's another phrase that it saved a million fights as our house as I
would say to her you want me to fix this or fill this and every woman listening
right now it's just gone oh we know the answer it's filled this which to a man
makes zero sense time right but for her it makes perfect perfect sense tell me
to fix this or fill this probably 95% of the time she'll say you know fill this
or what I'm just gonna have to respect what does that mean to fill it I think
it's to be there to listen to say I'm sorry and that you know even I have to
constantly constantly fight the inclination to fix it I mean I am
sitting me the three point fix-it plan I don't I don't save you I think that's
the good heart of him man is he really does want to rescue and save his wife
and and go there and so I have to fight it the whole time internal dialogue for
me is like don't say what you want to say I'm so sorry which to a man makes no
sense this is basic marital advice and you've done a great job in your book
your best us and Nancy I think you've provided great
color commentary here thank you as the mini-pig of marriage not the expert yes
it's so refreshing that both of you talk so openly about where you were at where
you've come from and the lessons that you've learned hey I'm John fuller and
thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and
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